Wishing your PD parent would pass away

[gettingstronger1]

JustKathy

I am sorry I didn't respond to your post sooner.  I didn't see it until today.

But but but .... THIS

Quote from: gettingstronger1 on October 07, 2019, 03:18:13 PM
I realize that this is probably not a very comforting observation, but it has been my experience that when the personality disordered parent passes away the problems are not over.  Yes, the PD person can't harm you themselves anymore and that is a relief.  But the personality disordered parent leaves behind a very dysfunctional system they created and continues into the next generation.  My experience was that my enabling dad and my PD siblings just picked up where my deceased PD mother left off.  In other words, my siblings exhibited the very same abusive behavior that my mother had.  They learned from my mother her abusive ways, and now they do the very same abusive things to me.

That's exactly what happened to me after Nmother passed. Her death was such a relief to me, though in many ways it made things worse. I thought I would be able to reconnect with my siblings after her death, but instead they took her place and turned against me.

I wanted to let you know that I am sorry to hear that your siblings adopted the same dysfunctional behaviors as your mother.  I am sorry they were hurtful to you.  I can relate to your hurt and pain that your siblings caused.  Basically its family mobbing and it's extremely painful.  Dysfunctional parents often create a disordered family system that they can control.  Your siblings probably have no idea how much they were controlled.  The best thing to remember is that your family's treatment of you is not your fault.  You didn't do anything wrong.  I too had also hoped things would get better after my SPD mother passed, but unfortunately they didn't.  I had to remove myself from an emotionally unhealthy situation for a second time.   

[JustKat]

I wanted to let you know that I am sorry to hear that your siblings adopted the same dysfunctional behaviors as your mother.  I am sorry they were hurtful to you.  I can relate to your hurt and pain that your siblings caused.  Basically its family mobbing and it's extremely painful. 

Thank you, gettingstronger. It's the one thing I never expected, though in hindsight, I shouldn't be surprised. My sister had been controlled by our mother her entire life, but when Nmother was dying she disinherited myself and our GC brother and put my sister in the GC role, making her sole heir and giving her power over our enFather. After 50 years of being the quiet downtrodden sibling, she was suddenly the queen bee and assumed the personality to go along with it. It's just crazy how fast it happened. There were no warning signs that she was heading in that direction. Once she was crowned GC, boom, instant transformation.

[FlowerPot]

I hesitated for many days before deciding that I should post this.

I have long dreamed of the day that my mother is no longer alive.  I used to feel guilty but thanks to a lot of work in therapy I don't any more.

I've also composed numerous eulogies in my journal.  Some brutally speak the horrifying truth and others are the far more subtle messages that speak only by what is omitted.  I find these exercises very therapeutic.

I also compose what I will say to those who offer me condolences.  In one version I speak the truth.  In the other I focus on the fact that no one really wants to know the truth.  These people knew a very different person and fortunately will never know her for the monster I saw.  They are offering kindness and I am gracious in my acceptance of their sympathy.  I'd like this to be my response when the time actually comes.

Thank you Ariel for starting this discussion and to all who have contributed.  There is so much wisdom here.  We are never alone and my fervent wish is that all of us may find our strength together.

Big, safe hugs to those who want them.   

It is good to know that so many have been there themselves and can offer support to others - thank you for the hug!

I managed to keep a "grateful face" when offered condolences, kept the chat short etc etc and yes, accept that they saw a different person - I took strength in knowing the my nearest and dearest knew the truth.
The eulogy and announcements were short, factual and no fluff.

[jojosmile]

Yes. I think it's normal when you're enmeshed in the FOG. Death truly is peaceful compared to all that.

And the farther I get out of their FOG, the more joy, life, and peace I find, and the more joy, life, and peace I wish them as well.

Take care of yourself, friend.

[Dotti21]

Hi Ariel

Yes, I wish it and dread it at the same time. Both my parents are Ns, and I don't know how I'm still alive quite frankly. It was like living with terrorists. No one who treats a little child with such contempt is worthy of that child's love. For a very long time I could say I have not loved my parents but I know I can still love because I have my own beautiful family and lovely friends who love me and I would not be where I am without them. Just because they are our flesh and blood does not mean we have to love them or even like them. The pain they cause is the impetus for wanting them gone, erased from our mind and nonexistent. Don't feel guilty for wanting them gone. They did not deserve you as their child, therefore they are invalidated.

Dotti x

[Rize]

I felt like this since i was 11 years old; 21 years of it.

[Foggymoggy]

Ariel, and everyone who has replied, THANK YOU! This has been a relief to read and re-read.

For about a decade, I wondered how I would react to hearing Ndad had died. However, I wouldn't let myself go too far down that thought trail because I feared my own thoughts and feared guilt from those thoughts. In late October this year, I got a message from a cousin that Ndad had driven himself to the hospital due to feeling short of breath. This was on the heals of a couple of weeks of his ramped up stalking that got no reaction. My immediate reaction was relief, and my first thought was "oh good, if he's in the hospital, I can go in the front room of our house without worrying about him showing up in the window." Like many have said, I don't wish him harm, but now I can acknowledge I'll be glad when he's gone. Like Blue's Cruise said, no more looking over my shoulder, no more random stuff left on my porch, no more hate-filled letters, no more creepy drive bys... I'll probably have a party in the front yard to mark his passing; reclaim my physical space as well as my head space.

[Frozen34]

Yes, yes, and YES. Unfortunately I won't rest until he's dead and I've finished dealing with his crazy family even after he's dead! It sounds terrible but it's unfortunately true.