SAHM, new and confused

[LostSAHM]

Hello all!

I am coming now to this group looking for insight and guidance, hopefully especially from anyone that has a personal experience. 
I am a stay at home mom of a small toddler.  I am being threatened by my husband for divorce.  I have taken many steps to protect myself and my child since emotional and economic abuse has been occurring, but have not exited yet.
There is little support from family, but there are other firm resources available and some friends.  We would be staying in a shelter if I have to leave.
At the moment, we all share a small appt.
I am wondering how to make the best exit.  He is extremely embarrassing and it takes all of my energy when he is home from work to keep it calm and peaceful.  I am often not successful.  I do not yet have the financial means to leave. 
I am contemplating taking a really good job a couple hours away just to have some peace and distance but am very concerned this would infuriate him since it would be so difficult to arrange visitation.  We could make it work though.
I know from experience that nothing is going to be good enough in his eyes and anything I do to establish my independence and maternal rights will be infuriating to him and scoffed at by most of our family.
I truly am not sure what is best from my young son, however, up until recently, my husband has not shown enormous interest beyond a sense of ownership.  I am worried he will not take great care of him and will cause him to suffer needlessly if given too much visitation though I plan to be as considerate as possible.
I welcome any thoughts.  I am scared and know that any decisions this early on could cause huge issues later one way or the other , but also know I don't have control over my husband's reactions.  He refuses counseling and talking it out.  I feel I really need to protect myself and my child though.  I feel so stuck between what is being expected of me by him and family and what is healthy.

[LostSAHM]

**extremely harrassing, not embarrassing

[SerenityCat]

LostSAHM, I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

My best advice is for you to get a counselor if at all possible. You need someone to help you sort out what is healthy for you and your child.

Also, do you have access to local domestic violence resources? Is there a free chat/phone help line available?

[Whimzee]

Hello LostSAHM,

  Being harrassed, feeling in your gut that your partner is really not that interested in his(and your) child AND him not willing to even go to counseling with you are all signs that this relationship is not healthy or sustainable.
   I know what is to be "stuck" in a situation like this(no personable income, caring for a child), but eventually extricating you and your child from this will be best in the long run. My enabler mother has been with my narcissist father for  nearly 60 years. When we were kids, my siblings and I longed for our mother to divorce him, it was that bad. I see her now, still trying to make it look like she is happy to the outside world, but she is verbally abused and seems depressed some days dealing with his miserable ways, just dealing with him. Get out NOW if you can.
  Serenity's suggestion about domestic violence resources is a good one.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome LostSAHM! You have found a good place! Read through the tabs TOOLBOX , especially 'what do do' and 'what not to do' and PERSONALITY DISORDERS .  I have found good strategies there that helped me protect myself better.

That job offer you have is it a real possibility? You could ask yourself: How would you manage it? Would you have a place to stay with your child? Would you have care for your child while you were at work? Is that something that you feel capable of doing and do you trust that you could make it work?

Can you investigate the possibility a bit further? Apply? Look for accommodation? Childcare? Just to make sure that this is a real possibility?

You could suggest to your h that you wish to contribute more to the family by bringing in some income as well and that the separation is only temporary until you find something nearby. You don't have to make a decision right now - look at your options. Explore. And use the toolbox to protect yourself and your child.

[Penny Lane]

Hi LostSAHM and welcome!

You're definitely in the right place. Many here have been in your exact position.

Here is a safety checklist for leaving, if you decide to go that route.

And I would add to notrightinthehead's good practical suggestions, I really strongly suggest you talk to a lawyer BEFORE you move your child away from dad (unless, of course, there's an emergency and you have to go). There can be legal repercussions to leaving the home before a formal separation is in place. And it really depends on where you are, so we can't really give good advice here. Some lawyers will do an initial consultation for free.

That being said, I love love love the idea of you having a well paying job that's far enough away to really give you and your child some distance. I hope that works you. You and your child deserve to be healthy and happy, no matter what expectations he or family have for you!

[LostSAHM]

Serenity Cat,

Thank you, I have been working on getting a steady counselor just for like you said, sorting it out.  I'm bummed that I had to leave my last one and the marriage counselor that I was seeing alone in another town when my husband had us move.  It has been difficult getting a new one and getting a sitter.  My husband was really on edge when I suggested a sitter today .
I have been working with 2 local shelters for resources .  Just knowing what I should be doing and preparing for and when i should leave is really hard.  I have to keep up with daily chores and ego smoothing for him too.