Hmmm not sure about my brother now

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p123

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Hmmm not sure about my brother now
« on: October 07, 2019, 06:45:36 AM »
Hes a nightmare. Flying monkey for Dad for ages... Constantly criticising me for "not doing enough". I constantly get "dad old we have to help him, families important".
Of course, hes got 3 kids from 2 different partners. Just married again. Never sees his kids. Always on facebook "woe is me my evil ex wont let me see the kids".

His one kid lives locally. The mother has "problems" and social services contacted him to take custody temporarily. Dad got involved (why?) and "advised" him he was too busy with work so his kid would have to go into care. Of course brother agreed (Dad loved this -hes in charge and you do what he says). Classy eh?

Anyway, his other two kids. Not seen them for years. Hes always on about how the mother moved them away and never told him. Bumped into his ex at the weekend. She moved local a year ago, told my brother, and he hasn't bothered to get in touch to see his kids. He even works 10 mins drive away. Apparently, he told his ex hes too busy. (more like got a new wife so moved on!)

And this is the guy who criticised me! How on earth I'll never know....

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nanotech

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Re: Hmmm not sure about my brother now
« Reply #1 on: October 07, 2019, 10:51:38 AM »
So, he let his child go into care, but ‘ family is important’.  Hmmm indeed!
Is he deluded?
He’s definitely deep in the FOG.
Clearly then, only your dad is family to him? 

His comment really says, ‘ Only dad is important’.
 
I get this from my Ndad.  He thinks he comes well before my hubby, kids and grandkids. Brother and niece are the worst flying monkeys. Niece fawns all over him, and then dad tries to ‘shame’ me by telling me how much attention she gives him and how wonderful she is. Truth is, she ignored him for years. Since my mum passed and he was left on his own and elderly, she’s been very different. She’s trying to be the favourite.

He ignored her when she had young kids, didn’t like the competition. Perhaps that’s what your brother is afraid could happen to him?

 Your dad got rid of potential competition by encouraging the banishing of his grandchild into care?  I couldn’t imagine doing that to any of my grandkids. It wouldn’t and couldn’t happen, no matter the circumstances.
My dad finds my grandkids extremely irritating.
Except for his GCson’s daughter, he finds all children irritating. But the exception he makes is more because that child is the golden child’s offspring, than it is about the child.
Keep strong, be resilient. Keep up those boundaries and don’t let those  Fear; Obligation and Guilt buttons get pressed!
« Last Edit: October 07, 2019, 10:54:55 AM by nanotech »

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p123

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Re: Hmmm not sure about my brother now
« Reply #2 on: October 07, 2019, 01:05:13 PM »
So, he let his child go into care, but ‘ family is important’.  Hmmm indeed!
Is he deluded?
He’s definitely deep in the FOG.
Clearly then, only your dad is family to him? 

His comment really says, ‘ Only dad is important’.
 
I get this from my Ndad.  He thinks he comes well before my hubby, kids and grandkids. Brother and niece are the worst flying monkeys. Niece fawns all over him, and then dad tries to ‘shame’ me by telling me how much attention she gives him and how wonderful she is. Truth is, she ignored him for years. Since my mum passed and he was left on his own and elderly, she’s been very different. She’s trying to be the favourite.

He ignored her when she had young kids, didn’t like the competition. Perhaps that’s what your brother is afraid could happen to him?

 Your dad got rid of potential competition by encouraging the banishing of his grandchild into care?  I couldn’t imagine doing that to any of my grandkids. It wouldn’t and couldn’t happen, no matter the circumstances.
My dad finds my grandkids extremely irritating.
Except for his GCson’s daughter, he finds all children irritating. But the exception he makes is more because that child is the golden child’s offspring, than it is about the child.
Keep strong, be resilient. Keep up those boundaries and don’t let those  Fear; Obligation and Guilt buttons get pressed!

Thing is dealing with Dad is easy for him. He lives a mile away. Send his wife up when hes in work. Shes happy to do this because she can see hes got money.
Taking care of a kid means no more getting drunk down the pub every weekend - its not easy.

Yes when it came to this Dad was well pleased that brother chose not to take her. Of course, it meant that 1) He gave out advice and his son listened to him and 2) He removed what would have been a distraction to brothers time.

I know this because Dad is completely disinterested in my kids. Again, a distraction for me. Ive posted before about this but when we told Dad wife was pregnant last time he actually said (wife was there too) "Why on earth are you two doing this? Was it an accident? You're too old" Wife was 41.

His attitude to the kids is probably what annoys my wife most about him. Who can blame her? He is oblivious though. And this is the guy who sulked for a week because she didnt make a special effort to wish him happy birthday. Defies belief.

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nanotech

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Re: Hmmm not sure about my brother now
« Reply #3 on: October 07, 2019, 03:43:53 PM »
I have the same thing with my dad.  The disinterest in the kids and the grandkids. It’s very disheartening.

Those negative comments must have been very hurtful for you and your wife.

Shortly after my mum passed; I found out that I was to be a granny for the first time, and also, twice over!

 My dad had a very subdued reaction, as did the other members of the family.
I think they thought it was ‘ too soon ‘ after mum had passed.  🤔
Babies are always a blessing :).
 
My dad saw it as a distraction from him and his grief.

When they were born, no gifts arrived. I cried a couple of times over that. Then I just accepted it. No one came to see them as newborns. We got cards.
I had gone  to the hospital to see my sister’s new grandchild and had been involved.
  Yet she  and the rest of the family,  didn’t see my two until they were nearly one, and that was because they couldn’t avoid it-  at a big party of my dad’s for himself!

I hope he’s stopped asking your wife to ring him! My dad does this too
I’ve read some of your posts about how your dad is at Christmas.

When your dad says to tell the children ‘they have to understand’ , I feel that is the verbal equivalent of a bulldozer. It’s quite manipulative to talk about understanding in this context. It implies that the children and of course your wife, are being insensitive and uncaring.  So it’s an attempt at emotional blackmail.
Understanding is never forced on anyone. If it is then it’s not genuine.
He means that they,
Iike  it or lump it, are going to have to accept it, because he is the boss and also the most important person in the family. :sadno:
I feel like that your dad would follow the words ‘ have to understand...’ with  ‘...the order of things’ or ‘.  ‘ ....my  extreme importance above them’.  :stars:
It’s almost like putting everyone else out is pleasing to him?  My dad is like this too.
Sigh. Keep going.

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p123

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Re: Hmmm not sure about my brother now
« Reply #4 on: October 08, 2019, 06:44:10 AM »
I have the same thing with my dad.  The disinterest in the kids and the grandkids. It’s very disheartening.

Those negative comments must have been very hurtful for you and your wife.

Shortly after my mum passed; I found out that I was to be a granny for the first time, and also, twice over!

 My dad had a very subdued reaction, as did the other members of the family.
I think they thought it was ‘ too soon ‘ after mum had passed.  🤔
Babies are always a blessing :).
 
My dad saw it as a distraction from him and his grief.

When they were born, no gifts arrived. I cried a couple of times over that. Then I just accepted it. No one came to see them as newborns. We got cards.
I had gone  to the hospital to see my sister’s new grandchild and had been involved.
  Yet she  and the rest of the family,  didn’t see my two until they were nearly one, and that was because they couldn’t avoid it-  at a big party of my dad’s for himself!

I hope he’s stopped asking your wife to ring him! My dad does this too
I’ve read some of your posts about how your dad is at Christmas.

When your dad says to tell the children ‘they have to understand’ , I feel that is the verbal equivalent of a bulldozer. It’s quite manipulative to talk about understanding in this context. It implies that the children and of course your wife, are being insensitive and uncaring.  So it’s an attempt at emotional blackmail.
Understanding is never forced on anyone. If it is then it’s not genuine.
He means that they,
Iike  it or lump it, are going to have to accept it, because he is the boss and also the most important person in the family. :sadno:
I feel like that your dad would follow the words ‘ have to understand...’ with  ‘...the order of things’ or ‘.  ‘ ....my  extreme importance above them’.  :stars:
It’s almost like putting everyone else out is pleasing to him?  My dad is like this too.
Sigh. Keep going.

Oh yes, Dad has OFTEN said things like "Well I need your help now that I'm old". Its a case of thats the way it is, so sort it out. Simple as that.

Of course, he expects me to behave like him. If one of my family don't like it then I should "have a word". Thats Dads way of saying "the man is in charge and the woman needs to know it". And worryingly the man needs to do whatever to make her listen. Really.

Hes been divorced twice so I dont listen to relationship advice from him. And I also know its not 1950! Yet Dad seems to think hes the sensible one and everyone else is crazy.

But nope hes still got an issue that my wife didnt ring him. He said the other day "I know its not you its her". Oh dear dont go there. I've told him to drop it now or else.

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nanotech

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Re: Hmmm not sure about my brother now
« Reply #5 on: October 08, 2019, 08:04:39 AM »
Yes he will see that whole not ringing thing  as ‘disobedience’. 
See how he criticises her, but it goes though you all the time. So it’s really YOUR  fault for not forcing her to ring. He must see her as an extension of you so you just need to ‘ have a word’ to sort that.
My dad does this. He sends my daughter birthday money for the grandchildren but he expects a big thank you call. It’s MY fault if she doesn’t ring!  My older daughter has a family and a full time job which can involve working long hours. He pesters about her needing to ring him. He’s frustrated that her landline doesn’t have a phone attached. He doesn’t want to ring her mobile, and risk any charges!
He’s a very, very well off pensioner with a fat company pension as well as his state one.
 Then he keeps saying he wants to visit my daughter on a weekend. Her husband works Saturdays,  and she has the children .

My dad is very high maintenance. He likes to talk at you and not be interrupted.

My dad has no patience with the noise of children. Now he’s older,  he barely masks it these days, and he tells them to ‘shut up’ when they they are just being children and playing and laughing.

One time he went to my daughters home  for Christmas and my one year old granddaughter made a big noise, as babies do.( one of those ‘ I’m here’ type of high cute wails!)  Everyone looked at her and smiled.

Not dad though.

Smiling but deadly he said,
‘ HEY!
Little girls don’t make noises like that!’  :aaauuugh:

 Oh yes they do! ‘ I said.  :tongue2:

His face was a picture.
 
For this new visit he wants me to meet him there ( 15 mile trip) then ‘complete the day ‘by taking him for lunch in the city!
Where he will talk my ears off without drawing breath and if it’s busy he will tell other people’s children to shut up!
 ( it’s happened).

Have you heard of triangulation?
It’s a form of narcissistic abuse. Your dad is doing that with this three way circular argument about your wife not ringing.
He could always ring your wife himself and discuss it.
You are not your wife’s keeper. He’s triangulating  madly with your brother when he uses him as a flying monkey to tell you how you should be  behaving toward him.
 Boundaries boundaries boundaries. A good book is Toxic Parents by Susan Foreward.  That book changed my life. It’s full full full of brilliant advice too x
« Last Edit: October 08, 2019, 08:27:10 AM by nanotech »

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p123

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Re: Hmmm not sure about my brother now
« Reply #6 on: October 08, 2019, 08:53:24 AM »
Yes he will see that whole not ringing thing  as ‘disobedience’. 
See how he criticises her, but it goes though you all the time. So it’s really YOUR  fault for not forcing her to ring. He must see her as an extension of you so you just need to ‘ have a word’ to sort that.
My dad does this. He sends my daughter birthday money for the grandchildren but he expects a big thank you call. It’s MY fault if she doesn’t ring!  My older daughter has a family and a full time job which can involve working long hours. He pesters about her needing to ring him. He’s frustrated that her landline doesn’t have a phone attached. He doesn’t want to ring her mobile, and risk any charges!
He’s a very, very well off pensioner with a fat company pension as well as his state one.
 Then he keeps saying he wants to visit my daughter on a weekend. Her husband works Saturdays,  and she has the children .

My dad is very high maintenance. He likes to talk at you and not be interrupted.

My dad has no patience with the noise of children. Now he’s older,  he barely masks it these days, and he tells them to ‘shut up’ when they they are just being children and playing and laughing.

One time he went to my daughters home  for Christmas and my one year old granddaughter made a big noise, as babies do.( one of those ‘ I’m here’ type of high cute wails!)  Everyone looked at her and smiled.

Not dad though.

Smiling but deadly he said,
‘ HEY!
Little girls don’t make noises like that!’  :aaauuugh:

 Oh yes they do! ‘ I said.  :tongue2:

His face was a picture.
 
For this new visit he wants me to meet him there ( 15 mile trip) then ‘complete the day ‘by taking him for lunch in the city!
Where he will talk my ears off without drawing breath and if it’s busy he will tell other people’s children to shut up!
 ( it’s happened).

Have you heard of triangulation?
It’s a form of narcissistic abuse. Your dad is doing that with this three way circular argument about your wife not ringing.
He could always ring your wife himself and discuss it.
You are not your wife’s keeper. He’s triangulating  madly with your brother when he uses him as a flying monkey to tell you how you should be  behaving toward him.
 Boundaries boundaries boundaries. A good book is Toxic Parents by Susan Foreward.  That book changed my life. It’s full full full of brilliant advice too x

Thanks nano. It always amazes me how these people are so similar....

Yes with my Dad its disobedience that annoys him. Hes SO annoyed my wife won't ring him and pay homage. To be honest, even if I didn't agree with her not ringing (for the record, I don't blame her. Hes treated her so badly. If I could get away with never speaking to him I would to!) it'd be up to her. Shes her own person, I don;t control her or tell how to behave.

I'll be honest, I find the whole "have a word" with your wife thing a little sickening. Because I know that dad means DO WHATEVER IT TAKES to make her listen.
Really! I do wonder how many "words" and what sort of approach (maybe physical?) he took in his two marriages.....

I'll have a look at the book too...

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nanotech

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Re: Hmmm not sure about my brother now
« Reply #7 on: October 09, 2019, 07:24:51 PM »
The book is amazing, really. When I read that, the penny dropped and everything fell into place.
 It wasn’t great news to discover such an ingrained and chronic dysfunction in your own family, but it ultimately led to my getting free from the toxicity. 
 Good luck with your dad and brother.

PS My dad was very different with my mum, very deferential ( it seemed) . She was put on a pedestal and she appeared to wear the trousers.
 Yet when she died and my dad’s nature was  explosively let loose with no checks,  I suddenly realised that she used to act out his N behaviour for him, and through this they became a formidable pair. It meant that dad seemed the pushover. Yet he was getting all of his needs met through mum.
My mum had her individual  PD moments too, I think she was Borderline. My dad had no empathy,  but at times mum did,
Neither of them ever went near a therapist of course. They always spoke scathingly of them.
« Last Edit: October 09, 2019, 07:52:15 PM by nanotech »

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guitarman

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Re: Hmmm not sure about my brother now
« Reply #8 on: October 10, 2019, 10:15:36 AM »
p123 it's all projection. What he is criticising you about are all the things that he should be doing. He projects his issues onto you. So when he is criticising you he is criticising himself because he feels guilty about what he hasn't done. He has to blame someone other than himself. Of course he would never blame himself, he is Mr Perfect.

My uBPD/uNPD sister criticises me about similar issues. She is such a hypocrite as she hasn't done the things she blames me for not doing or not doing well enough. She wants me to get angry and shout at her then she would become the victim. I don't play that game any more. The best thing to do is to stay calm or ignore them. They hate that!

Guitarman X
« Last Edit: October 10, 2019, 10:17:11 AM by guitarman »
"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

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p123

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Re: Hmmm not sure about my brother now
« Reply #9 on: October 14, 2019, 06:00:31 AM »
OMG. Hes done it now. Previously he was blocked on fbook messenger. I have just totally unfriended him.

I posted on fbook, you know the check in thing, I'd taken my daugher to a farm park yesterday pm. The cheeky dog commented "Maybe you should spend some time going to see our Dad some time". Thing is I'd just been there and done his grocery shopping.

Obviously, the pair of them have been speaking about how "I don't visit enough" then. But to criticise me on my own fbook post for everyone to see....

Not the first time I've had semi-joking, critical comments. No more. Looks like I've gone NC with my brother.
« Last Edit: October 14, 2019, 06:12:33 AM by p123 »

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p123

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Re: Hmmm not sure about my brother now
« Reply #10 on: October 14, 2019, 07:12:03 AM »
Oh and I'm evil. Dad treats brother like the "Golden Child". He can do no wrong.

I HAD to tell him I'd bumped into his ex, they'd moved close by (well 5 mins from where brother works) but brother hadnt bothered with the kids at all. Well, I have to point out hes not the "perfect" individual after all.

Dad said "Oh well, perhaps x (his new wife) doesn't want him to have contact with his kids he had with his ex". "Shes with someone else now anyway". What? So whats the relevance in that?

OMG. Am I the only one who would go nowhere within 100 miles of a new partner who tried to stop me seeing MY kids even if they were from a different relationship?
I'm not saying thats happened. More like brother just cannot be bothered knowing him.

But Dads attitude is like "Oh well, that's the past, move on"

Honestly, my Dad and brother live in a different world to me. They appear to have a completely different set of morals to me.

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nanotech

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Re: Hmmm not sure about my brother now
« Reply #11 on: October 14, 2019, 03:02:39 PM »
I can’t believe your bro wrote that on your Facebook! Really, really out of order!
Not surprised you blocked him.
Don’t get tempted to re add him.

Mine used to post stuff. Once I posted a pic of our new car ( i wasn’t showing off as it was a second hand Toyota under £500!)  I was just thrilled to have wheels again as my previous car had been stolen.
Nbrother wrote a nebulous post  about it being the same make as he and his ex had driven, and then wrote
‘ thanks’.
 Inexplicable.I didn’t understand. I asked my daughter, and she said it looked like he was saying a sarcastic thanks for reminding him of his ex!
I had no idea what car his ex drove! We never saw them socially.
I do know that she left him for a woman. :sly: :applause:
 Go her!
He actually isn’t that important enough for me to try to upset him so. Not that I would have tried that!

Maybe your brother deep down thought that with your jolly father - daughter post you’re were hinting somehow at his own parenting( or lack of)? They think everything is about them, don’t they?
It’s all so tiresome and childish.
 
In my family it’s all hints and suggestion, but still very very  nasty. They leave themselves a little get-out clause.
‘ I was only joking’ or ‘ you are too sensitive- I didn’t mean that!.’

My son has a daughter who he doesn’t live with, but sees regularly. He couldn’t imagine it being any other way but this. He dotes on her. Things were tricky too when he split with her mum. It was acrimonious.
Her mum moved her a long way away, because she wanted to be close to her mum. That was years ago now.  No thing has stopped him from seeing her, and being her dad.

He’s her dad.

Tellingly, my brother complimented him (to me),
saying that he thought my son was being

 ‘ ...very good for going to see her and making the trips he did’ etc etc?

My dad chimed in with this. Yes he was being very very good indeed.
The inference was that now that he’d split up with her mum, they wouldn’t have been surprised if he had stoped seeing his daughter.

What? WHAT?

Of course he should be doing that!

She’s his child!

😳

Just to add, try to be more Medium Chill or Grey Rock when you discuss your bro with your dad. I know you think what you say will force your dad to admit bro’s faults, but it won’t. He’ll just defend him, whether it’s rational to or not.
 They really can do no wrong. All sorts of thing done by my brother have excused, simply cuz he is HIM.

I think if I can gently suggest it, it may be that by pointing out your bro’s faults, you are trying to seek approval from your dad, but then your dad just defends anything and you end up feeling even more annoyed and upset.
Your dad knows your bro’s faults, but he’s crowned him as the GC  and that son is narcissistic like him, so he’s not going to admit anything. After all if he did, then he might feel criticised himself, and he can’t have that.
I think this because I did this for years and years and didn’t see it.
Try detaching and keeping an emotional distance from what your bro does. Honestly it’s so freeing. X
« Last Edit: October 14, 2019, 03:23:32 PM by nanotech »

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p123

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Re: Hmmm not sure about my brother now
« Reply #12 on: October 15, 2019, 06:24:41 AM »
I can’t believe your bro wrote that on your Facebook! Really, really out of order!
Not surprised you blocked him.
Don’t get tempted to re add him.

Mine used to post stuff. Once I posted a pic of our new car ( i wasn’t showing off as it was a second hand Toyota under £500!)  I was just thrilled to have wheels again as my previous car had been stolen.
Nbrother wrote a nebulous post  about it being the same make as he and his ex had driven, and then wrote
‘ thanks’.
 Inexplicable.I didn’t understand. I asked my daughter, and she said it looked like he was saying a sarcastic thanks for reminding him of his ex!
I had no idea what car his ex drove! We never saw them socially.
I do know that she left him for a woman. :sly: :applause:
 Go her!
He actually isn’t that important enough for me to try to upset him so. Not that I would have tried that!

Maybe your brother deep down thought that with your jolly father - daughter post you’re were hinting somehow at his own parenting( or lack of)? They think everything is about them, don’t they?
It’s all so tiresome and childish.
 
In my family it’s all hints and suggestion, but still very very  nasty. They leave themselves a little get-out clause.
‘ I was only joking’ or ‘ you are too sensitive- I didn’t mean that!.’

My son has a daughter who he doesn’t live with, but sees regularly. He couldn’t imagine it being any other way but this. He dotes on her. Things were tricky too when he split with her mum. It was acrimonious.
Her mum moved her a long way away, because she wanted to be close to her mum. That was years ago now.  No thing has stopped him from seeing her, and being her dad.

He’s her dad.

Tellingly, my brother complimented him (to me),
saying that he thought my son was being

 ‘ ...very good for going to see her and making the trips he did’ etc etc?

My dad chimed in with this. Yes he was being very very good indeed.
The inference was that now that he’d split up with her mum, they wouldn’t have been surprised if he had stoped seeing his daughter.

What? WHAT?

Of course he should be doing that!

She’s his child!

😳

Just to add, try to be more Medium Chill or Grey Rock when you discuss your bro with your dad. I know you think what you say will force your dad to admit bro’s faults, but it won’t. He’ll just defend him, whether it’s rational to or not.
 They really can do no wrong. All sorts of thing done by my brother have excused, simply cuz he is HIM.

I think if I can gently suggest it, it may be that by pointing out your bro’s faults, you are trying to seek approval from your dad, but then your dad just defends anything and you end up feeling even more annoyed and upset.
Your dad knows your bro’s faults, but he’s crowned him as the GC  and that son is narcissistic like him, so he’s not going to admit anything. After all if he did, then he might feel criticised himself, and he can’t have that.
I think this because I did this for years and years and didn’t see it.
Try detaching and keeping an emotional distance from what your bro does. Honestly it’s so freeing. X

Oh yes I was bomping mad! It was just a check-in post. Aren't I allowed to take my daughter somewhere? As it was, I'd been to Dads anyway - not that its his business!

My Dad is the same attitude with kids. If you split up, mother has them, dad sees kids if he wants to. Unbelievable. Like I said, we live in different worlds.....
I am disgusted by both of them to be honest all of the time now.

Yeh I know about brother. I just like pointing out to Dad that hes not perfect lol. Its funny to see his face. He didn't know what to say.
Althought the comment "his new wife might not want him to" is priceless of course.



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nanotech

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Re: Hmmm not sure about my brother now
« Reply #13 on: October 15, 2019, 08:56:37 AM »
It seems he likes to blame the wives!
I’m just amazed at the attitude, but I do see it in my own father.  :flat:
He won’t change.
Such a pity they are like this.
Life is much more peaceful since I blocked certain family on Facebook.  They have blocked me before in anger. I’ve had to block them before to stop the abuse ( again, in anger).
But this time, I was calm and collected and just explained that I was reducing my social media presence.
This reason satisfied my dad.
The tipping point was my sister asking for money on a group chat, and me answering that a group chat  wasn’t the best context to talk about things like that.
It was a large amount.
They think our money is their money.

She responded abruptly and rudely,  that she thought it was a great way to ask me.

Then I talked about boundaries, and that she needed to respect them. I was really polite, just stated my boundaries. She started  enjoying herself and taking the p....

and then said something very telling.

She said that she didn’t ‘get’ boundaries.
 :aaauuugh:

I looked at that bleak message,
 Four words.
 It was then that I knew she was a lost cause.
No intention of respecting boundaries- she actually tried to discard them as being a non existent concept!
Wow!

‘ I don’t like boundaries, therefore I’m going to deny they exist and carry on as always! ‘

 Wow!

My siblings could also see those chilling words. I knew it was a warning also to them. 

It was a Narc gauntlet thrown.

She was telling me that she was ALWAYS going to disrespect my boundaries, and those of youngest sister too.

(She’s careful around bro tho,  due to him having the POA. But when push comes to shove, she’s taken him on too.)

She was ordering me to click right back into that  prior submissive role like a good girl. 

That one where I lay down and she proceeded to walk all over me.

All. The. Time.

This was when I understood- no more social media with her.
Blocked her. Blocked another N family member so she couldn’t start working through her.

Funerals and weddings only. And even then, minimal and superficial  contact.

Hello life!


« Last Edit: October 15, 2019, 09:08:10 AM by nanotech »

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p123

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Re: Hmmm not sure about my brother now
« Reply #14 on: October 15, 2019, 09:33:21 AM »
It seems he likes to blame the wives!
I’m just amazed at the attitude, but I do see it in my own father.  :flat:
He won’t change.
Such a pity they are like this.
Life is much more peaceful since I blocked certain family on Facebook.  They have blocked me before in anger. I’ve had to block them before to stop the abuse ( again, in anger).
But this time, I was calm and collected and just explained that I was reducing my social media presence.
This reason satisfied my dad.
The tipping point was my sister asking for money on a group chat, and me answering that a group chat  wasn’t the best context to talk about things like that.
It was a large amount.
They think our money is their money.

She responded abruptly and rudely,  that she thought it was a great way to ask me.

Then I talked about boundaries, and that she needed to respect them. I was really polite, just stated my boundaries. She started  enjoying herself and taking the p....

and then said something very telling.

She said that she didn’t ‘get’ boundaries.
 :aaauuugh:

I looked at that bleak message,
 Four words.
 It was then that I knew she was a lost cause.
No intention of respecting boundaries- she actually tried to discard them as being a non existent concept!
Wow!

‘ I don’t like boundaries, therefore I’m going to deny they exist and carry on as always! ‘

 Wow!

My siblings could also see those chilling words. I knew it was a warning also to them. 

It was a Narc gauntlet thrown.

She was telling me that she was ALWAYS going to disrespect my boundaries, and those of youngest sister too.

(She’s careful around bro tho,  due to him having the POA. But when push comes to shove, she’s taken him on too.)

She was ordering me to click right back into that  prior submissive role like a good girl. 

That one where I lay down and she proceeded to walk all over me.

All. The. Time.

This was when I understood- no more social media with her.
Blocked her. Blocked another N family member so she couldn’t start working through her.

Funerals and weddings only. And even then, minimal and superficial  contact.

Hello life!

Good for you nano.....

Reminds me of another family member I blocked on facebook. I used to put harmless updates on facebook like 7am snowing waiting for the train etc. It was a LONG commute to my client for a few years.

Then she said to my face one day "All you ever do is moan, you're lucky to get paid what you do". I thought hang on 1) You don't know how much I get paid, 2) The role I've got is due to hard work and 3) You're happy to work where you are because its easy, there's no way you'd get off your backside and commute 90mins each way to work.

Deleted as friend after that.

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nanotech

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Re: Hmmm not sure about my brother now
« Reply #15 on: October 15, 2019, 12:42:09 PM »
Yup.
Jealous.
The don’t give you credit for anything.
After all, that well-paid job just fell into your lap!  Nothing to do with you studying/working for years, probably denying yourself  lots of fun partying, holidays and spending money etc, just to get on with your career build.

Zero credit/ sympathy.
 

Yeah,YOU just had a lucky break, you have if easy compared to MEEEEEE so don’t moooooaaan!
As they see it, thats  their prerogative.
 :roll:

When I met my husband, his family were wealthy.
MY FOO hated it. Money was a big control tool in our family.
They thought that was the reason I was with him.
My sister told me that mum had said to her,
‘ Nano has found an easy way  to live.’

Within a few months the situation changed and our life over the past 40 years has been one where finances have often been difficult and uncertain. We both had to stop studying suddenly and find what work we could.

After this happened, my family acted real sorry for him and accepted him a lot more.

Recently however,  we’ve been better off, and the resentment  has been palpable. Plus the entitlement:

‘You need to  pay for me to move, guarantor me and pay towards a new flat for me.
‘( nsister)

‘ You can pay for dad’s funeral’ ( N brother) 

‘ you can take dad to his ( unnecessary hospital trips that are miles away’, because you can afford the petrol.’

 :sadno: Eek

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p123

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Re: Hmmm not sure about my brother now
« Reply #16 on: October 15, 2019, 01:47:16 PM »
Yup.
Jealous.
The don’t give you credit for anything.
After all, that well-paid job just fell into your lap!  Nothing to do with you studying/working for years, probably denying yourself  lots of fun partying, holidays and spending money etc, just to get on with your career build.

Zero credit/ sympathy.
 

Yeah,YOU just had a lucky break, you have if easy compared to MEEEEEE so don’t moooooaaan!
As they see it, thats  their prerogative.
 :roll:

When I met my husband, his family were wealthy.
MY FOO hated it. Money was a big control tool in our family.
They thought that was the reason I was with him.
My sister told me that mum had said to her,
‘ Nano has found an easy way  to live.’

Within a few months the situation changed and our life over the past 40 years has been one where finances have often been difficult and uncertain. We both had to stop studying suddenly and find what work we could.

After this happened, my family acted real sorry for him and accepted him a lot more.

Recently however,  we’ve been better off, and the resentment  has been palpable. Plus the entitlement:

‘You need to  pay for me to move, guarantor me and pay towards a new flat for me.
‘( nsister)

‘ You can pay for dad’s funeral’ ( N brother) 

‘ you can take dad to his ( unnecessary hospital trips that are miles away’, because you can afford the petrol.’

 :sadno: Eek

Thats just awful.....

I also get from Dad mentions about hard my brother works. He a welder which is manual work which Dad identifies with. I work in an office and hes often said he doesnt understand how someone sitting in a nice warm office can paid more. Thanks for that Dad.

Of course, when I'm stuck in the office at 4am (happened quite a few times over the years working in IT) he says "oh theres no way I'd do that, it not on".

EXACTLY - now thats why I get paid you see?

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p123

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Re: Hmmm not sure about my brother now
« Reply #17 on: October 16, 2019, 11:24:13 AM »
Classic. Dads called me. He said that brother has told him I'd deleted him off facebook so he couldn't contact me. Hes finally noticed..(Actually hes not blocked, hes restricted, can't see my posts, can't comment, can't message me).

So "yes Dad he is. I've had enough of his comments on there. I've had enough of arguing with him. No more".

Dad: "But but but..... How am I going to get in touch with you if you're not answering your phone? What will I do?"
Not being funny but if I'm not answering my phone, Im BUSY. Getting the Flying Monkey to facebook me and call me and my wife names wont work.

He actually said as well "I was just telling your brother the other day about how I rarely see you these days, and wish you could make more of an effort!".

Right so my suspicions about the last facebook post from brother was right. Dad had been moaning to him and hes decided to take it on himself to be "parent visiting police" and criticise me for taking my 6 year old instead of visiting Dad. Nice, eh? Lets just say the facebook block stays....

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WomanInterrupted

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Re: Hmmm not sure about my brother now
« Reply #18 on: October 16, 2019, 06:26:02 PM »
Dad: "But but but..... How am I going to get in touch with you if you're not answering your phone? What will I do?"

You:  "Dad, if I'm not answering my phone, I'm busy.  Leave a message, and I'll get back to you when I can.  If it can't wait, I'm sure you'll figure out another way to get what you need/want."   :ninja:

That's it.  That's all you say.  It'll fall on deaf ears, but at least you said it.  :thumbup:

Dad:  "I was just telling your brother the other day about how I rarely see you these days, and wish you could make more of an effort!"


You:  "I'm very busy and do what I can.  If it's not enough, you'll have to make other arrangements.  I don't know what else to tell you."   :ninja:

Again - it'll fall on deaf ears, but you'll feel better, getting it off your chest.  :yes:

It's *good* that you got confirmation about your brother - now that it's a fact, it makes it easier for the block to stay in place and for *you to push back* against the Golden Child/Scapegoat dynamic, where he barks orders and  expects you to DO, while he sits back and collects cash, prizes and accolades for being such a  "hard worker" (blue collar, manual labor, that sort of manly-man genre).   :roll:

If your dad can't reach you, your brother will have to step up.  If he doesn't, your dad will find others - neighbors, some guy at the betting parlor (OTB in the US), some other rando.  It doesn't matter, really.  They're just another vending machine to kick, because you're out of order.

BTW - the more unBPD Didi griped that I didn't DO things for her (she'd "hint" about needing her hoarded-up house cleaned (HAH! :rofl:) or that "somebody" should cook for her), the less I'd do.  The less I'd even *consider* doing for her - and that included calling her, because I REALLY didn't need the freaking never-ending guilt-trips.

So sick!  So sad.  So aloooooooooooone, and nobody wuvs her.  :dramaqueen: :violin:

Sorry - that's above my pay grade.  :evil2:

And it's above yours, too.  If your dad needs something, he can hassle somebody else, for a change.

 :hug:

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p123

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Re: Hmmm not sure about my brother now
« Reply #19 on: October 17, 2019, 07:02:59 AM »
Dad: "But but but..... How am I going to get in touch with you if you're not answering your phone? What will I do?"

You:  "Dad, if I'm not answering my phone, I'm busy.  Leave a message, and I'll get back to you when I can.  If it can't wait, I'm sure you'll figure out another way to get what you need/want."   :ninja:

That's it.  That's all you say.  It'll fall on deaf ears, but at least you said it.  :thumbup:

Dad:  "I was just telling your brother the other day about how I rarely see you these days, and wish you could make more of an effort!"


You:  "I'm very busy and do what I can.  If it's not enough, you'll have to make other arrangements.  I don't know what else to tell you."   :ninja:

Again - it'll fall on deaf ears, but you'll feel better, getting it off your chest.  :yes:

It's *good* that you got confirmation about your brother - now that it's a fact, it makes it easier for the block to stay in place and for *you to push back* against the Golden Child/Scapegoat dynamic, where he barks orders and  expects you to DO, while he sits back and collects cash, prizes and accolades for being such a  "hard worker" (blue collar, manual labor, that sort of manly-man genre).   :roll:

If your dad can't reach you, your brother will have to step up.  If he doesn't, your dad will find others - neighbors, some guy at the betting parlor (OTB in the US), some other rando.  It doesn't matter, really.  They're just another vending machine to kick, because you're out of order.

BTW - the more unBPD Didi griped that I didn't DO things for her (she'd "hint" about needing her hoarded-up house cleaned (HAH! :rofl:) or that "somebody" should cook for her), the less I'd do.  The less I'd even *consider* doing for her - and that included calling her, because I REALLY didn't need the freaking never-ending guilt-trips.

So sick!  So sad.  So aloooooooooooone, and nobody wuvs her.  :dramaqueen: :violin:

Sorry - that's above my pay grade.  :evil2:

And it's above yours, too.  If your dad needs something, he can hassle somebody else, for a change.

 :hug:

I'm getting better WI because I've done those things....

I've told him now - any more 20 phone calls with no messages left and I'll just block him. If I'm busy in work, or busy elsewhere then I need to know what the issue is. He tried to say "oh I cant speak to those things" (answer machine) and I've said "why does a sock pop out of the phone into your mouth leaving you unable to speak?".

Of course, he'd rather not leave a message, because it gives me the option to NOT call him back when its not urgent. If he calls 20 times he nows it LOOKs urgent.

And I've told him probably 100 times "I have other responsibilities and I do my best, if its not good enough then tough luck". I've also told him now if I hear the words "make a big effort" or "make a big effort for me" then we will be falling out big time.

To be honest, he has started to shift to brothers wife now. Good. She won;t last long!

Know what you mean though. When I get stupid requests or silly games played just to get me there I'm inclined NOT to help. If he acted with a bit of consideration then I'd probably do it.