Deteriorating relationship, but I'm ok

[Jumpy]

I wanted to post an update, mostly because it helps for me to share here, and I appreciate the insight of this group. Some folks have asked for updates, and I do appreciate being asked.

In short - the relationship is deteriorating as I believe my wife's mental health continues to deteriorate.  The latest episode is illustrative of my shortcomings in dealing with the uPPD, and why it is pretty hopeless. Last Thursday, I came home as usual, and started talking to my wife about the dinner she was making. She took the casual conversation as my criticizing her. Now, I should be used to this behavior, but I still stumble along assuming she thinks like a healthy person, and getting drawn into arguing with her about it. It seems like such a small thing. I like my wife's cooking and tell her so often, but this one time she was having a paranoid episode, and felt as if I was criticizing her, and I in turn got defensive.

When she feels attacked, she attacks me. I think she has a near permanent state of "flight or fight" response. She has flown from nearly everything else in her life (job, church, friends) but with me she fights. The paranoia shows up in all sorts of ways. She saw a notice on my phone that I got an email from Goodwill, and asked why am I getting emails from them. I said, I'm on the mailing list because I must of signed up when I dropped some stuff off. She felt insulted, because she feels she drops off stuff there and I don't. These little things that are in the neighborhood of normal, I for some reason fight about. I know to MC and avoid the circular conversations, and when I am at my best I am able to do reflexive listening (which hasn't helped BTW), but I often fail when it seems be about something so inconsequential and normal.

When things get really out of hand, I am able to handle it much better. As the night wore on, she said that I was letting people into the house to rape her in her sleep. At that point, I remembered that she was sick, and that the arguing is pointless. When it is extreme, I deal with it pretty well. I think this because it is pretty obvious to me that I didn't do those things. Whereas the mundane things, I do in fact question myself – "Did I really come across as critical of her cooking?"

I'm left with sleeping in the other room. I've been there a week now. It's not a punishment, but I am merely thinking in terms of self-preservation. I really dislike being accused of horribly evil things. Somewhere here someone said "that I stayed this long is not a reflection of how much I love you, but a reflection of how little I've loved myself." That has stuck with me and helped me to establish better boundaries, even if that means sleeping on a spare mattress in the other room.

I'm also left with the following thought: my wife's beliefs about me are incompatible with marriage. Either she gets the help she needs, or our marriage ends. There are really only those two paths. I'm working on how to have that conversation exactly, but I am expecting that I'll never be in a position to word everything just right so it goes smoothly. I'm going to just have to plow through and see what happens. Any advice about how to have this conversation is appreciated.

Overall, I'm really doing pretty well. This forum helps. The toolbox helps. Therapy helps. Friends help.  I'm grateful for you all.

[Penny Lane]

Hi Jumpy,
You are at a real turning point here and I hope you might be on the brink of improving your life for the better.

I think you're right that there's no perfect way to have this conversation. It will be hard and, probably, messy.

I have a couple pieces of advice although I've never done the exact same thing.

One is that before you say "I will leave if you don't do X," be really, really sure that you actually are going to follow through. Because if you don't then she will learn to not take what you say seriously, and I think that will make things worse for you in the long run.

Two is to be really clear about what you're asking her to do. Is it go to therapy? See a doctor? Change certain behaviors, and if so what are they? Telling her that something concrete needs to change could lead to a more productive outcome.

Three, is to be prepared for manipulation, anger, hoovering, and extreme behaviors. You are not wrong for exposing the problems in your relationship to the light. But she will feel very backed into a corner and you've already seen that she reacts badly to negative emotions.

Good luck. I hope you'll come back again and let us know how it goes.

[bruceli]

She needs to be aware, and by aware I mean in writing, to prevent gaslighting, that if she does not get help, and more importantly, make progress, you will leave the marriage. Expdgf acknowledged her PD, went to therapy, and expounded all the time how she had changed dramatically. In reality nothing changed at all.  She would rage at me telling me how she's changed and no longer rages at me. Lol. I've been n/c for 8 months and have stayed n/c even through the monthly hoovers.