doing what they ask isn't good enough

Started by athene1399, October 08, 2019, 06:43:51 AM

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athene1399

So my birthday is coming up. I'd rather do a dinner on the weekend becasue I'm exhausted during the week, but my sis (who I'm pretty sure just has fleas) requested I plan a dinner on a weekday becasue she is busy my birthday weekend. So I picked Thursday becasue that day works best for me. I have night class Monday and Wednesday and I have a paper due Weds, so Tues is out becasue I will be editing/working on the paper. So I invite my family, SO's family, and my sis. She finally gets back to me and says Thurs doesn't work for her. Can I do Tuesday. I told her no, but why would you say "Please do this on a weekday" then the only weekday I can do doesn't work for her anyway? Like why not say the only day that is good for her is Tuesday? then I could have said I can't do that, so will just do it on the weekend without her. Like how was I supposed to know "please pick a weekday" meant "i can only do Monday through Weds".  I figured Friday was out, but I didn't think Thursday was part of the weekend. lol

I feel stuff like this happens all the time. I do things that aren't the best for me to try to be more accommodating for my PD/flea infested family and it's still never good enough.  Next year I am just picking whatever day is best for me.

Does anyone else try to be accommodating and it just never works out?

bloomie

athene99 - First, happy birthday to you! 🎂 I hope whatever you end up doing on your actual day to celebrate your life it will be something that brings you joy!

QuoteNext year I am just picking whatever day is best for me.

Does anyone else try to be accommodating and it just never works out?

Yes! Next year choose what is best for you and stick to your plans!!

And yes, with one uPD family member in particular when it came to my bday she had to be unreasonably accommodated around the date and time to celebrate. In time, I stopped "celebrating" with her it put such a dark cloud over what should be a lovely day.

Cooperating in general is not something my own uPD family members are willing to do.

I am not talking about the difficulty we all have with friends and loved ones trying to schedule things because we are all so busy. This goes way beyond that and stepping out of the game and dropping the rope or sticking with what works best for myself and my family has been really helpful.
The most powerful people are peaceful people.

The truth will set you free if you believe it.

scapegoatnumerouno

yes, I am very familiar.  All the "little things" that go on and dont make sense.  You tell yourself that the family member is just lacking in certain areas but means no harm.  That is what I thought for almost 35 years until I slowly cut down on my accommodating her, thats when I saw the claws come out.  Turns out alllllll the "little things" about her wernt little personality quirks, they were planned passive aggressive strikes.  Once these little things quit effecting me she dialed it up several notches.  What I have seen from her in the last two years is disgusting, and Im NC for two years.    And all of those very little insignificant things in our lives came blasting back in my face.  EVERYTHING was remembered and many things were made up!  You know your sister very well but what I have found is that when you are that close to someone (family member) so many "little things" are missed by you.  Its possible that you may be very surprised at the thoughts that goes through your sisters head and the deliberate actions that seem so harmless to you now.  Good luck with creating some boundaries with her.  Please be on guard for backlash also. 

StayWithMe

QuoteYou tell yourself that the family member is just lacking in certain areas but means no harm.  That is what I thought for almost 35 years until I slowly cut down on my accommodating her, thats when I saw the claws come out.

You are so right.  For example, my mother and my sister like creating alternative names for things.  My mother, in particular, would become very abusive verbally if I could not make a connection between the made up name and to what / whom she was referring.  ie "What you stupid?"

I would try explain why her incorrect naming something and why I didn't know what she was talking was no sign of my intelligence.

then I stopped engaging ....... even when I did know what she was referring to.  It took a while but she has stopped ..... for the most part.

I have had to develop boundaries for myself.  For example, never answer the same question more than twice.  Never correct them because all they are looking to do is to create a loop.  Calmly say, I do not know what you are talking about. 

Sadly, my mother's behavior has also instilled anti social behavior.  A lot of people don't tolerate being asked the same question more than once, for example.

Athene, for next year, just set a dated and invite whom you want.  If your sister can't make it, well, that's life.

D.Dan

What always got me, was rearranging things to accommodate my PDs only to have them not only not show up but also point out that they didn't even need the accommodation in the first place. I would end up feeling used and worthless.

So I don't accommodate them anymore and I feel a lot better for it.

StayWithMe

Blueheart, give us an example of how a family member was weaponizing their behavior?

scapegoatnumerouno

#6
Weaponized information is a message or content piece that is designed to affect the recipient's perception about something or someone in a way that is not warranted. The term implies a target and the intention to cause harm. 

The goal of weaponized information is bringing about a change in beliefs and attitudes and, as a result, promote behavior that serves the attacker's purpose. Attacks involving weaponized information are sometimes referred to as cognitive hacking. 

My VERY Nsis does the above constantly.  Anything she knows about someone, no matter how little infraction it is she goes around to others and lightly gossips about it.  Her talk is light and anyone hearing her thinks she is just a harmless little thing.  What they don't realize that the things that you are hearing about whoever it is she is talking about, are exaggerated and possible made up.  And the things she is saying and the faces she is making manipulates others to see that person a certain way. So, later down the road, when my sister lashes out at that person no one steps in to help.  Nsis had already layed the foundation thoughts about that person in everyone elses mind.  They see her actions as pretty crazy but figure it must be warranted because they have herd Nsis complain about this person more than once in the past.  Its all a set up and destroy trick.

My sister learned her skill, as it turns out, from my mother.  In my adulthood I was very close to my mother.  Lived a few hours away but went up to see her at least one weekend a month and did lots of things with her.  My Nsis and two other siblings under her control live very close with my mother, one living with her  :wacko:  In coming Out of the FOG I realized that for my entire life my mother was giving impressions of me to all of my FOO.  Either through making sure to tell them when I was sassy as a teen or any little thing that I did wrong (wasnt much) What my mother FORGOT to tell everyone were things like, my decent high school sports career followed by my 4 year degree followed by my career right out of college in a respected and honorable field.  My mother also Forgot to tell my siblings how she called me almost every day  and we chatted and laughed and we solved all of HER problems.......  What my siblings think of me is far from what I was to my mother.  throughout my entire life she has made it out to my siblings that I intimidate her....uuuggghhh  give me a break.  I have heard her say the same about some other siblings when she is backed into a corner also.    so, Im thinking that a lot of my thoughts about my siblings were also made and controlled by my mother.  To be honest, us 6 siblings actually dont know each other and really dont have LOVE for each other.  We all (minis me now) feel "love" and pitty for the mother of the bunch.   My mother kept us all apart by keeping us all "close" to her.  My younger Nsis is now stepping up and taking over my mothers good work.  I have left that family and am guessing that when M dies another one will drop out due to my Nsis behaviors.  Im rambling here..... sorry.

StayWithMe

Blueheart, you have so perfectly laid it out.

athene1399

Blueheart, thank you for explaining that. I think I've noticed some of that in my family, mainly with my GM and M. I don't think sis does it.

I have been working on creating boundaries with sis (which she does not like, but things are getting better), but misread her request I guess. Like she made it sound like she really wanted to come and that if I planned my dinner on a weekday she would be there. Oh well. I'll do what works best for me next year.

I've just been thinking about this, and it's happened a lot, especially with M. It's like someone said, if you are close to it, it is sometimes difficult to notice. At least this helped me to notice this for the future.