Anger at my escape or golden child enmeshment?

[Twinkletoes88]

I'm just wondering about my sister again and I'm thinking do you think she's not speaking to me because I went NC and now VVLC with my NPDm because she's angry or jealous that I've got away OR because she's now golden child and enmeshed with my NPDm ??

I assume it's the latter, but it did cross my mind whether it's unconscious anger that I've escaped and she's still there.

Having said that, my sister was the scapegoat for years when I was the enmeshed golden child/mini-me and now she's the only one in the picture and her and my mother are "really close" (enmeshed?). My husband thinks my sister wants to keep me well away I'm case I was to come back to the family and become golden child again meaning she would be back to being the scapegoat.

I just don't understand it. I really am struggling to understand why she's not speaking to me and why she's blocked me on social media all because I didn't go to a bbq 6 months ago!! It just doesn't make sense.

[nanotech]

None of it makes sense. They like to keep us wondering. Don't wonder or ruminate on it.

If we look like we are no longer enmeshed, then they discard us completely.  It's what my lot have done since I stopped the JADING and approval- seeking behaviour, and placed boundaries.

Analysing it further just gets you into circular arguments with yourself, and if you were to make contact and ask why, those circular arguments would be with them.
Ignore.She longs for you to ask why.

Yep, it's bloody hard!   
I've got two sisters and a brother but have little to no contact. Two PDs and one enabler. 🙄

[Twinkletoes88]

Eugh I'm sorry for you 😔

Yea I guess you're right. I find myself trying to make sense of it this weekend. The "why" eats me alive sometimes.

Maybe it really is as simple as if I'm not enmeshed with my NPDm then I'm completely ignored by my sister.... it's hard to believe after all we've been through together

[nanotech]

It's so sad. That's what they rely on , the past shared history where we felt close to them.
When I was coming Out of the FOG, my PD narc older sis felt it.
When we did meet, she kept bringing up  the happier childhood memories, particularly games we played together and enjoyed. She did this while smiling and fawning.  Those memories can still be precious to us.  I'd stopped listening to the 'poor me' calls, stopped responding to the  gaslighting, the scapegoating, and even the  ( tempting) hoovering to lure me back in.

No more passive aggressive stuff to deal with  on Facebook, because I moved away from it as far as the PDs were concerned.
The Facebook cull was so so nurturing to my mental health. It had an amazing effect. 

I'm VLC. She can email me, but where's the fun in that (no audience) so she doesn't. Neither does my Nbrother.
Neither of them ever ring or text me to see how I am. If they can't have the relationship they want, AKA the dysfunctional relationship, then they don't want one at all. And they lose no sleep I've it, I'm sure.
I've lost sleep. I've been sad. But I stay strong. The price of contact is just too high. I have to live my own life. I no longer seek their approval. 
I'm now weddings and funerals only with both of them.
Its such a shame that in narcissistic families, everything ( like my happy memories) ends up being used as currency.
When I saw that happening, ( once OOTFit was so obvious) I couldn't respond in the ways that she wanted.
The pain of the other interactions with her outweighed those few happy times and the years of shared experiences.
All families are different though. Everyone needs to make their own choices. I'm sending big hugs to you sweetie. Remember, none of it is actually personal. They don't really understand themselves, let alone others. X

[GettingOOTF]

I have been NC with my siblings for a couple of years. I recently went NC with my father, which has caused my siblings to come out of the woodwork and attack me.

My therapist explained that they are threatened by my leaving the family system. That my leaving forces to them look at things they don’t want to which causes them to act out. My leaving upsets the entire family dynamic. Of course all of this is on a subconscious level so all they know is that they are angry with me.

The more I read about this the more complicated and deeply ingrained all this “PD” behavior seems and I think it’s a wonder I was able to get out and do as much as I have.

I don’t think my siblings are PD, I think they have a serious case of fleas and are totally under the control of my father, but what they may or may not be doesn’t matter. Their behavior towards me is the same as if they were PD.

I think that we grew up in the same family so we all deal with the same issues, we simply have different skills with which to handle them. I have been in therapy for a few years, I have read so many books, articles and worked with a life coach. One sibling lives with my father and the other has a lot of contact with him. None of them have done any work on themselves so realistically I cannot expect them to relate to me the way I would wish. Had I been in their shoes a few years ago I’d be behaving the same way they are now.

It’s probably a bit of both for her. Pleased that she’s the GC now. Dysfunctional family systems set up unhealthy rivalry between siblings, so in many ways she’s won, but on a deeper level she is probably angry that you made it out and she is still there.

I think all of us who made it out should be very proud of ourselves and not underestimate the strength and difficult work it took.

[nanotech]

I have been NC with my siblings for a couple of years. I recently went NC with my father, which has caused my siblings to come out of the woodwork and attack me.

My therapist explained that they are threatened by my leaving the family system. That my leaving forces to them look at things they don't want to which causes them to act out. My leaving upsets the entire family dynamic. Of course all of this is on a subconscious level so all they know is that they are angry with me.

The more I read about this the more complicated and deeply ingrained all this "PD" behavior seems and I think it's a wonder

I think all of us who made it out should be very proud of ourselves and not underestimate the strength and difficult work it took.

Wow. Great comments here. I agree that it's frustrating when they get angry with us, when all we are trying to do is live our own lives. They just don't get it. I've had to block family members from social media. The mind games on there were appalling. They still try and get to me through my kids, but of course it's diluted and doesn't work as well because I seem to have managed not to pass the insane dysfunction down to them. Yeah!

I'm loving the last paragraph in the quote!
GO US! X🗽

[sarandro]

Hi I think your therapist has hit the nail on the head..

''My therapist explained that they are threatened by my leaving the family system. That my leaving forces to them look at things they don't want to which causes them to act out. My leaving upsets the entire family dynamic. Of course all of this is on a subconscious level so all they know is that they are angry with me.''

So, if you were the SG and left...one of the others will have to be 'IT'...no one wants to be the SG.

[Free Rebel]

I was always the scapegoat until I walked away and left the dysfunctional family.  My father, who is a narc and also an enabler, tried to guilt me into coming back to my role because he didn't want my narc mother's fury directed towards him.  I was ALWAYS his savior and his protector and when I left my narc mother first she was angry and so he tried guilt, threats (disowning/disinheriting), etc.  It didn't work and I realized I would have to eventually go very low contact with him. 

My late sister was always the golden child until her child was born and my parents took over grooming her.  She was eventually made the new golden child and when I left my sister became the new scapegoat because my father was NOT going to be it.  Now that my sister has died and I am no longer in my narc parents or niece's life, I know someone had to take the role of the scapegoat.  I know my father well enough that he probably has tried to push my niece into that role.  That is what they do, they can't face up to their sins/behaviors and have to blame some one.  I am no contact with them all but wonder who the new scapegoat is, now that both my sister and I are not there.  They probably have my niece going from scapegoat to golden child and back and forth.  My narc father will throw any one and every one under the bus to save his behind so I can only imagine the craziness in that "household". 

They want us to always be in the horrible role of scapegoat so that they can blame someone but they will find some one else to take on that role eventually even if the spouse turns on the other one for that narc fuel and control.  My narc mother is the one I feared the most growing up as she is incredibly evil and revengeful.  My children have nothing to do with them so they will be forced to look for my cousins, neighbors, and family members of my mother's for narc fuel.

[gettingstronger1]

I just don't understand it. I really am struggling to understand why she's not speaking to me and why she's blocked me on social media all because I didn't go to a bbq 6 months ago!! It just doesn't make sense.

I can relate to your confusion of wondering why a sibling would go NC after you set boundaries with a PD parent.  I went NC with my PD mom about seven years ago.  Several of my siblings then went NC with me even though I had never been mean or inappropriate to them.  I was genuinely confused at how they could go NC with me, because I had only treated them with love and kindness over the years. I kind of wonder if the PD parent forces them to chose sides. If they don't choose the PD parent then maybe they become the scapegoat or they are ostracized from the family too.  Love is definitely very conditional in personality disordered families.  Basically it's not real love.

My therapist explained that they are threatened by my leaving the family system. That my leaving forces to them look at things they don't want to which causes them to act out. My leaving upsets the entire family dynamic. Of course all of this is on a subconscious level so all they know is that they are angry with me.

I also agree with GettingOOTF and her therapists observation.  When we leave it creates a lot of disruption in the dysfunctional family.  We are breaking the sacred rule that most PD parents believe.  They believe that their adult child has no right to stand up for themselves against the parent.  My NPD mother in law literally told my husband and I that we had no right to stand up for ourselves.  We had to take any and all behavior that they dish out.  Narcissists literally believe they are better than others.  The siblings may also believe we have no right to set any boundaries. It's a strange belief that common sense would tell you is irrational, but somehow they firmly believe it.