Things are going smoothly so far...

[capybara]

So after 2 weeks of in-home separation with endless talking and crying and him asking me 4 or 5 times whether I was sure about separating, ...

He moved out! I am in the house with the kids, Before he left I did say, truthfully, that I still love him. I also said reconciling was a possibility, but that I couldn't make any promises. We agreed not to talk for at least a couple of months (though we have to about the kids).

He actually agreed that it would be good for him to work on himself, and I hope and (mostly) believe that he is doing so. And he is a very determined person, so I think if he wants to change, he will do everything he's supposed to. But in my heart I think that real healing for him will take many months, maybe years. And probably it will always be hard for me to set boundaries with him.

So far he is being reasonable and paying child support, though my lawyer doesn't love what I'm agreeing to (temporarily) about money.

I feel like this reconciliation thing is just hanging over my head like a dark cloud! I keep going back and forth.... I don't think I could agree to live together again for at least a couple of years, if ever. I ask myself if we could just date, but then it sounds like a stupid idea. Would I just be stringing him along? But he's the father of our children, and I feel guilty about my marriage vows...

Part of me wishes he would just end it and I could grieve. But I don't think that would ever happen.

[Penny Lane]

 

I think you're right that he could heal, but it would take a very long time. And you need to heal, too!

Things don't have to be OK right now. It's a very hard time. You don't need to make any permanent decisions - right now your job is to get through this tough time, start that healing process, start making new routines with the kids.

I think there's a good possibility that he will claim to be all better in a very short amount of time, like weeks, and say it's time to reconcile! But, he probably won't have really done the work. I just want you to be ready for that. You know how much work he would need to do in order to be the husband you deserve.

[1footouttadefog]

It sounds like you need this time of separation to really sort your side of things.  I hope you gain clarity about your path forward.  You seem conflicted right now.

Be brave and take care of you so you can go through this process from a place of strength and wisdom.

[capybara]

Thank you. I do definitely need more time - I think a lot of the conflict I feel is guilt. I 80% to 90% know how I feel and what I want, but I feel guilty about him, guilty about my vows, and guilty about the children. Guilty that he will have a lower standard of living. Guilty that I am staying in the house, at least for now. I feel guilty when I think of good times in the past, or when I think of times in the past that weren't very good for me, but when I didn't speak up.

But deep inside, and secretly.... I don't miss him. I feel terrible even typing that, but it's true!

[Liftedfog]

Of course you don't miss the chaos.  Your feelings are spot on. I remember being on mat leave with our first baby
he was unemployed and in my face.  Criticizing me about everything.  The verbal abuse was so bad I went into a depression.  Suddenly he wanted to take a trip overseas.  You bet I booked his flight in five seconds.  It was the best 2 weeks ever.  I was better off just me and baby as a new mother. I figured it all out. I didn't need him or miss him either.   Depression disappeared.   Enjoy your peace but just be prepared for tide to change.  He could be on good behaviour because he doesn't think you will not take him back.  As soon as he starts to feel like he is losing he will turn on you.   

[capybara]

Penny Lane, you were so right! He has brought up the subject of reconciliation already. It really threw me.

[Spygirl]

My expd was also looking at reconciliation.  Really it was getting me in line again. It wasnt real. So glad i did not buy into it and waited for actions to prove words.