Life in limbo

[Spirit in the sky]

I feel as if I am trapped in limbo land, surrounded by illness and inevitable death. Although thankfully my dad's lung cancer isn't causing him too much distress at present, I can't help but think about the future and it's bleak.

My mother has gone into a state of depression since she was told he might only have a year left. He decided not to have chemo because really with his other medical problems it would in all truth shorten his time rather than extend it. She's 86 and although fit and healthy physically for her age, she continues to be emotionally unstable, and refusing to seek medical help for her depression.

It's a terrible thing to say but I feel like I'm just waiting around for them to die, I feel as if I can't move on with my life. I feel guilty if I start to make plans in my head for the future because I can't do anything now. I even have a sense of dread when I go to visit them because all they do is moan about how miserable they feel. I'm trying to do all the self care stuff but I'm too emotionally drained to function properly.

[Adrianna]

I feel for you. You're likely an empath and you take on other's emotional pain. I'm one too and it sucks. Research the topic of empaths and you will find some ideas on how to protect yourself. I'm also  learning that empaths often feel drained around negative people and yet their innate desire to help is there. It's a no win situation until you learn the dynamic, which I'm trying to do. You can have a life separate from this while they're still alive.  You don't have to wait until they're gone to put yourself first.

Limit your time with them, spend time in nature, self care, start a journal, see a therapist. Your mum's refusal to seek help for her depression is her thing, not yours. My mother was mentally ill and refused therapy or help. I know the pain it can cause you, the frustration. She never did get help for it and died without a true diagnosis. I was in high school trying to get her into a counselor. I wanted to help for so long  but couldn't do anything for her. 

[Spirit in the sky]

Thank you Adrianna,

Yes, I am an empath. I didn't understand why I feel the way I do until recently. I think it's why I find it really hard to be happy when other people around me are miserable. I'm a very spiritual person so it's also difficult to detach myself emotionally from anyone suffering.

I made a big effort to look after myself today as I'm off work, I went for a long walk in nature, did some creative stuff and relaxed in the bath. I seen my mum briefly and she was too busy watching tv to bother having a chat so I dropped her shopping off and left.

I feel for you. You're likely an empath and you take on other's emotional pain. I'm one too and it sucks. Research the topic of empaths and you will find some ideas on how to protect yourself. I'm also  learning that empaths often feel drained around negative people and yet their innate desire to help is there. It's a no win situation until you learn the dynamic, which I'm trying to do. You can have a life separate from this while they're still alive.  You don't have to wait until they're gone to put yourself first.

Limit your time with them, spend time in nature, self care, start a journal, see a therapist. Your mum's refusal to seek help for her depression is her thing, not yours. My mother was mentally ill and refused therapy or help. I know the pain it can cause you, the frustration. She never did get help for it and died without a true diagnosis. I was in high school trying to get her into a counselor. I wanted to help for so long  but couldn't do anything for her.

[foobarred]

 

Lung cancer sucks.  That's how unNPDdad died.  In an odd way, I view the lung cancer as a consequence of his narcissism, because he simply would *not* quit smoking, even after he was diagnosed with other smoking-related illnesses (heart disease, clogged arteries, macular degeneration).  He figured he knew best, and everybody else knew s**t.

The stress is life-draining, yes.  Finding a forum for lung cancer patients and their families helped.  Taking things one day at a time.  Reading under a palm tree outside.  Staying away from the bedside AMAP.  Getting hospice involved.  I wasn't seeing a therapist then, wish I would have been.  Went on antidepressants for a while, too.

The good news (if you can call it that) is that it will end.  He will die, and you will live, and eventually you can start moving forward with your life again.

One last caveat.  With the death of one parent, the dynamics in your family will change.  My mother is also PD, of the waify clinging vine type.  When Dad (her original support) died she immediately started clinging to me.  I was ignorant of the dynamics, felt sorry for her, and let myself get sucked in.  Don't do that.  Decide how much of a relationship you want with her ahead of time, and set your boundaries in stone right from the very beginning.  Would've saved me a world of grief.