Calling at work - dont give out your number!

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p123

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Calling at work - dont give out your number!
« on: October 08, 2019, 01:24:00 PM »
Hope no-one minds me continuing this.....
Adrianna - yes know the feeling. I am considering changing my mobile number to be honest......

Small steps and all. He no longer has my wifes number (it'd be WW3 if he calls here) or my work desk number. When I went on holidays this year I didn't give him my contact number there. (Glad I didn't - year before he rung a few times because "he hadn't heard from me for a few days" - proved right because when I did ring his this year I had "I've been ill - don't want you to worry" speech. Nope I worried for 1 second).

Thing is EVERYONE has my number. If you want to ring me thats fine. I work in an office, its all easy going. BUT not for 20 min conversation as to how stressed he is because the man servicing his heating is 20 mins late and hes getting worried about it.Or he hasn;t heard from me for 3 days and hes worried about me.

Although did you see the thread where the poor ladys NC Dad turned up at her place of work which was a school. OMG - my Dad would do that. (Luckily I work in a government building which is secure so he wouldnt get it!)

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11JB68

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Re: Calling at work - dont give out your number!
« Reply #1 on: October 08, 2019, 02:49:53 PM »
Just prior to going nc with uPDm She was calling me at work with all sorts of emotional breakdowns! When I went nc I sent her a letter and said DO NOT contact me...at home, at work, on cell, etc. Very specific.

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illogical

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Re: Calling at work - dont give out your number!
« Reply #2 on: October 08, 2019, 08:42:25 PM »
Hi p123,

Just because you told your dad in the past that it was okay to contact you at work, doesn't mean you have to continue down the same trajectory. 

You have the option of telling him not to contact you now.  That your work situation has changed and it's disruptive. 

You also have the option to change your phone number.  It may come to that.  I know you aren't ready to go NC with him, but some action needs to be taken here as far as limiting his access to you.  He's just going to keep on, with no regard for your time or concern for your feelings.

It sounds to me like you are spending an inordinate amount of time dealing with your dad and that is stressing you out.  He's draining you and eating into your time, which is precious, that could be better spent raising your kids and with your wife, instead of mollycoddling your dad.

I changed my phone number after it became apparent that my NM was never going to respect my boundaries.  You could always change it, not give him your number and take a much needed "vacation" from your dad.  This is sometimes referred to as a Time-Out, or temporary NC.  You can always give him your phone number later, if you so desire.  The bottom line here is that you have the power to change your responses to your dad.  You are not powerless.  You do not have to put up with his endless demands and mistreatment of you, your wife and your family.

You might consider this.  Sure, it's a ROYAL PAIN to change your number.  But it might provide you with a much needed break and the time to reconsider what contact and what kind of "relationship" you want with your dad.  I say "relationship" because when it is totally one-sided, with him doing all the taking and you all the giving, it's not much of a relationship at all. 
"Applying logic to potentially illogical behaviour is to construct a house on shifting foundations.  The structure will inevitably collapse."

__Stewart Stafford

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Adrianna

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Re: Calling at work - dont give out your number!
« Reply #3 on: October 08, 2019, 09:26:50 PM »
How sad is it that weíre taking about having to change our phone number so we arenít harassed by an elder????

I turned off my answering machine and will unplug the house phone if it comes to that. Iíve had enough.

I know they have anxiety, I have it too, but itís not our responsibility to fix them and thatís what they want. They want to he fixed through unending attention. They want us to soothe their inability to be alone. Not our job. Never was. Even though we were groomed from children to do it.

She knew I was pissed off at her yesterday. So today I get a call and message in my cellphone during work :

ď I just called to say Iím sorry for being impatient yesterdayĒ (she had called the house before I even got there last night wondering where I was. She knows I work.) This niceness is whatís called hoovering in narcissist language. They feel you slipping away so suck you back, like a vacuum cleaner, hence the name hoovering for Hoover vacuum cleaners. Itís a classic technique to keep you hooked so you think, oh sheís being nice, maybe sheís changed. Nope. Not changed. Just nervous she may lose a source of attention.

Nana has a 92 year old neighbor who lives alone, doesnít whine or cry, doesnít cause drama and chaos, and isnít overly happy avoid being old and losing independence but is taking it in stride. What a difference between the two of them.

Practice an attitude of gratitude.

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p123

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Re: Calling at work - dont give out your number!
« Reply #4 on: October 09, 2019, 06:22:01 AM »
Hi p123,

Just because you told your dad in the past that it was okay to contact you at work, doesn't mean you have to continue down the same trajectory. 

You have the option of telling him not to contact you now.  That your work situation has changed and it's disruptive. 

You also have the option to change your phone number.  It may come to that.  I know you aren't ready to go NC with him, but some action needs to be taken here as far as limiting his access to you.  He's just going to keep on, with no regard for your time or concern for your feelings.

It sounds to me like you are spending an inordinate amount of time dealing with your dad and that is stressing you out.  He's draining you and eating into your time, which is precious, that could be better spent raising your kids and with your wife, instead of mollycoddling your dad.

I changed my phone number after it became apparent that my NM was never going to respect my boundaries.  You could always change it, not give him your number and take a much needed "vacation" from your dad.  This is sometimes referred to as a Time-Out, or temporary NC.  You can always give him your phone number later, if you so desire.  The bottom line here is that you have the power to change your responses to your dad.  You are not powerless.  You do not have to put up with his endless demands and mistreatment of you, your wife and your family.

You might consider this.  Sure, it's a ROYAL PAIN to change your number.  But it might provide you with a much needed break and the time to reconsider what contact and what kind of "relationship" you want with your dad.  I say "relationship" because when it is totally one-sided, with him doing all the taking and you all the giving, it's not much of a relationship at all.

Alas, if I changed my number and he couldn't get hold of me I know what he'd do. He'd ask my brother to contact me via facebook (brother is blocked now though after I had this before), he'd get someone to drive him to my house, I'd even say he'd call the police and say something had happened to me. There is NO WAY he would just accept it.

All under the excuse of "I was worried about you".

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p123

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Re: Calling at work - dont give out your number!
« Reply #5 on: October 09, 2019, 06:26:34 AM »
How sad is it that weíre taking about having to change our phone number so we arenít harassed by an elder????

I turned off my answering machine and will unplug the house phone if it comes to that. Iíve had enough.

I know they have anxiety, I have it too, but itís not our responsibility to fix them and thatís what they want. They want to he fixed through unending attention. They want us to soothe their inability to be alone. Not our job. Never was. Even though we were groomed from children to do it.

She knew I was pissed off at her yesterday. So today I get a call and message in my cellphone during work :

ď I just called to say Iím sorry for being impatient yesterdayĒ (she had called the house before I even got there last night wondering where I was. She knows I work.) This niceness is whatís called hoovering in narcissist language. They feel you slipping away so suck you back, like a vacuum cleaner, hence the name hoovering for Hoover vacuum cleaners. Itís a classic technique to keep you hooked so you think, oh sheís being nice, maybe sheís changed. Nope. Not changed. Just nervous she may lose a source of attention.

Nana has a 92 year old neighbor who lives alone, doesnít whine or cry, doesnít cause drama and chaos, and isnít overly happy avoid being old and losing independence but is taking it in stride. What a difference between the two of them.

Many times I've unplugged the house phone. Mainly because, I've asked him 20 times not to call late at night (I have a 6 year old) but he still does it.
He never leaves messages anyway. Clever eh? No message means I dont have the info to decide whether its important or not. Calls every 10 mins it MUST be important!

Dad does this too. When he knows he overdone it and I've had a go at him. I get major OTT apologies then. "Im so sorry", "I know you do everything for me", "I'm so upset at myself for being so thoughtless".

To be honest, I just think "get lost"  You're just hoovering me back in....

My wifes a District Nurse ("visiting" nurse in US?) so she sees LOADS of old people. As you say, some have family who don't visit, they're stuck at home, seriously ill. Dad has got family, hes relatively well, hes got friends, he gets out yet he moans like theres no tomorrow. I often wonder "whats the difference?"

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Adrianna

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Re: Calling at work - dont give out your number!
« Reply #6 on: October 09, 2019, 08:11:03 AM »
Regarding the hoovering, I wanted to mention they only do it when they fear you might walk. Nana has given me a few of these but only when she realizes Iím pissed off and Iím reaching  my limit with her antics.

If I express a desire to be treated fairly, or ask her to be nicer, I get things like :

Oh well Iím sorry then! Iíll never speak to you again! How does that sound? (Havenít heard this lately because she knows it would sound great to me.. Before when I was in the FOG I would actually apologize for asking to be treated better!)

Yes Iím Just horrible arenít I? Iím just so awful that you have no sympathy for me! You do not care about me! 

You can feel however you like and if I like, Iíll just swallow a bottle of pills. *click, hangs up on me* (I will never forget that one. I was fully in the FOG back then. I was so upset. I see now she was manipulating me into never speaking up.) I do want to stress suicide threats should be taken seriously and authorities should be called. I wish I had called back then. In her case it would have put an end to them earlier. She did them for years and only stopped recently because she knows they donít affect me anymore. Last time she threatened it I just said ďyou wonít.Ē

Even last week, after again asking her to be nicer, got a message: ď Itís your witch grandmother calling. I canít do anything right.Ē 

Regarding the phone number switch, I get that. I do. Nana has no reservations about calling the police over anything.

Did you notice all we really want here is some PEACE and to be left alone? You want to spend time with your kids, your wife, yourself (do you have hobbies), your friends. I know I want to stop thinking about her, hearing from her. visiting her, hearing from the help about the current crisis (she knows they call me at work and I think enjoys that). Years ago she went in a two week trip to Canada and it was lovely! I remember going for a walk and thinking see, this is how I should feel all the time.

Once she goes into a nursing home, I will tell them donít call me unless itís an emergency.  I see so many on this board have had to go no contact. I will possibly visit her occasionally but not often. I want some peace.



Practice an attitude of gratitude.

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p123

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Re: Calling at work - dont give out your number!
« Reply #7 on: October 09, 2019, 08:47:06 AM »
Regarding the hoovering, I wanted to mention they only do it when they fear you might walk. Nana has given me a few of these but only when she realizes Iím pissed off and Iím reaching  my limit with her antics.

If I express a desire to be treated fairly, or ask her to be nicer, I get things like :

Oh well Iím sorry then! Iíll never speak to you again! How does that sound? (Havenít heard this lately because she knows it would sound great to me.. Before when I was in the FOG I would actually apologize for asking to be treated better!)

Yes Iím Just horrible arenít I? Iím just so awful that you have no sympathy for me! You do not care about me! 

You can feel however you like and if I like, Iíll just swallow a bottle of pills. *click, hangs up on me* (I will never forget that one. I was fully in the FOG back then. I was so upset. I see now she was manipulating me into never speaking up.) I do want to stress suicide threats should be taken seriously and authorities should be called. I wish I had called back then. In her case it would have put an end to them earlier. She did them for years and only stopped recently because she knows they donít affect me anymore. Last time she threatened it I just said ďyou wonít.Ē

Even last week, after again asking her to be nicer, got a message: ď Itís your witch grandmother calling. I canít do anything right.Ē 

Regarding the phone number switch, I get that. I do. Nana has no reservations about calling the police over anything.

Did you notice all we really want here is some PEACE and to be left alone? You want to spend time with your kids, your wife, yourself (do you have hobbies), your friends. I know I want to stop thinking about her, hearing from her. visiting her, hearing from the help about the current crisis (she knows they call me at work and I think enjoys that). Years ago she went in a two week trip to Canada and it was lovely! I remember going for a walk and thinking see, this is how I should feel all the time.

Once she goes into a nursing home, I will tell them donít call me unless itís an emergency.  I see so many on this board have had to go no contact. I will possibly visit her occasionally but not often. I want some peace.

Yep same. When he thinks he mildly upset me he doesn't care. When he works out hes gone way too far thats when he then goes way too far with the apology.

He also "forgets" hes done something before and apologised for it. Then he does it again. Then its "woe is me I didn't mean to do it" forgetting its not the first time.
The thing with him getting annoyed that my wife didnt phone him specially to wish him happy birthday. Hes forgotten that a few months ago (again where him and my brother had done something for about the 3rd time, and this time dragged my wife into it) he really upset her. At the time "can you tell her I would like to apologise?" At no point did he PHONE HER and apologise yet he expects her to phone.

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illogical

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Re: Calling at work - dont give out your number!
« Reply #8 on: October 09, 2019, 07:37:19 PM »
Alas, if I changed my number and he couldn't get hold of me I know what he'd do. He'd ask my brother to contact me via facebook (brother is blocked now though after I had this before), he'd get someone to drive him to my house, I'd even say he'd call the police and say something had happened to me. There is NO WAY he would just accept it.

All under the excuse of "I was worried about you".

I think at some point you have to try to set a boundary.  Right now, you aren't setting a boundary.  You are talking yourself out of a boundary and justifying it because you think there is no way out.  That's allowing yourself to be "held hostage" by your dad and his PD ways.

*I would tell him he is not to call you anymore at work.  It's not acceptable, period. Then, when he continues to call you at work, you block his number.
*Call his bluff. Let him get someone to drive him over to your house "under the guise of being concerned."  You tell him "I'm fine".  How many times do you really think he will do this?  I would bet he won't keep on doing it, especially if he gets nowhere doing it. 
*Call his bluff on calling the police.  When they show up, you tell them you are fine, but your dad just wants attention.  Again, how many times is he going to do this, if it gets him nowhere?

Unplugging your phone or not answering it is not solving your problem.  You've tried to be accommodating.  It's not working.  So if you really want to change the dynamic, it's time to try something else.  My suggestions may not work, but really, how much worse off would you be?  So he comes to your house.  So he calls the police.  The sky won't fall.  It's time to let your dad suffer the consequences of his bad behavior.  It's a step toward getting OOTF, which I assume is your goal or you wouldn't be on this website.

It's okay that you like to vent.  There is certainly a place for that here.  We get it, we really do.  But venting only goes so far.  It tamps down a little of your stress, then you are back to square one.  Nothing has changed and your stress level is rising.  So my humble advice is to try something different.  Call your dad's bluff.  Be assertive.  He is running roughshod over you and you are just basically ignoring the problem.  I'm sorry I don't have better news, but the problem still remains, even if you ignore it.  Your dad continues pushing your buttons and pulling your strings and nothing ever changes.  Time for action, not talk.  Time for boundaries.    :yes:

"Applying logic to potentially illogical behaviour is to construct a house on shifting foundations.  The structure will inevitably collapse."

__Stewart Stafford

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WomanInterrupted

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Re: Calling at work - dont give out your number!
« Reply #9 on: October 10, 2019, 01:38:37 AM »
I agree with Illogical - it's time to *take control* - especially if it means wresting it from his hands.  :yes:

He calls while you're at work?  He already knows you don't want him to, but does anyway - the only option is to BLOCK him.  :ninja:

If he has somebody drive him to your house, don't answer the door.  Let him knock until he gives up and leaves - but if he doesn't and makes a scene, call the police and have him removed.  :ninja:

Chances are, he'll never do it again - and the person who drove him will *never* want to be involved again.  :disappear:

If he calls the police, tell them you are fine and your father is mentally ill.  His issues are getting worse - please don't report back to him, as it only encourages him.  :ninja:

You've taken back control - he can't get to you by phone or in person - you've blocked that access, too.  8-)

And yes, this is how it has to be - you need clear, consistent *boundaries* for yourself - and your dealings with him.

He doesn't want his groceries delivered, and still expects you to run all over, shopping for him?

Nope.  Delivered only.  If he cancels it, he'll be responsible for figuring out how to get food.  :ninja:

If he needs to go to the hospital/ER, HE will have to figure out a way there, and not rely on you, because *his number will be blocked permanently* - and you'll find out just how resourceful your dad really is.  :yes:

He just doesn't want to be, because he thinks he's special - and entitled and *owed* everything.

I agree that venting is great - but venting only gets you so far, unless you're willing to *take action* to make changes.  :yes:

Call his bluff, as Illogical said - that's when you find out how *powerless* he really is.

Think about it.  If you block his number, he can't bug you.  Only a finite number of people - if any - are going to drive him to your house, and want to wait while he knocks on a door that's never going to be answered, only to turn around and drive him home.  :roll:

And once you tell the cops your father is mentally ill, or slipping, getting old, whatever - they're going to not take him seriously, and may even get your version of Adult Protective Services involved.

He hasn't thought about any of that - because he can only think of himself and NOT how other people are going to react to his unreasonable or outrageous demands.

I know what your father doesn't know - taking more and more extreme action only makes him look WORSE to professionals, whose opinion matters.  :yes:

Professionals know other professionals - and they talk.  Your father may wind up on a bubble he didn't know was there, regarding his safety and mental health.

Your dad is a lot like unNPD Ray - he was just going to keep forcing the issue and upping the ante about getting me over there as his slave until he WON - and I was his captive, at his beck and call, with no life of my own, because that didn't matter to him.

But Ray overplayed his hand, I stayed out of it - now Ray can't make any decisions for himself, and nobody listens to him at the nursing home.  They just breeze in and out, not paying any mind to the grandiose man with his wild claims of money and power, how important he is, and how they have to get the GIRL over there to do her job.  :roll:

If your dad isn't careful, he's going to wind up the same way - and it won't be your fault.

All you have to do is start putting up boundaries - it lets others SEE what's *really* going on, and your dad will eventually get the help he needs, instead of what he thinks you owe him.

All you have to do is take the first step, and eventually, it all comes good.  :yes:

 :hug:

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p123

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Re: Calling at work - dont give out your number!
« Reply #10 on: October 10, 2019, 06:14:50 AM »
Alas, if I changed my number and he couldn't get hold of me I know what he'd do. He'd ask my brother to contact me via facebook (brother is blocked now though after I had this before), he'd get someone to drive him to my house, I'd even say he'd call the police and say something had happened to me. There is NO WAY he would just accept it.

All under the excuse of "I was worried about you".

I think at some point you have to try to set a boundary.  Right now, you aren't setting a boundary.  You are talking yourself out of a boundary and justifying it because you think there is no way out.  That's allowing yourself to be "held hostage" by your dad and his PD ways.

*I would tell him he is not to call you anymore at work.  It's not acceptable, period. Then, when he continues to call you at work, you block his number.
*Call his bluff. Let him get someone to drive him over to your house "under the guise of being concerned."  You tell him "I'm fine".  How many times do you really think he will do this?  I would bet he won't keep on doing it, especially if he gets nowhere doing it. 
*Call his bluff on calling the police.  When they show up, you tell them you are fine, but your dad just wants attention.  Again, how many times is he going to do this, if it gets him nowhere?

Unplugging your phone or not answering it is not solving your problem.  You've tried to be accommodating.  It's not working.  So if you really want to change the dynamic, it's time to try something else.  My suggestions may not work, but really, how much worse off would you be?  So he comes to your house.  So he calls the police.  The sky won't fall.  It's time to let your dad suffer the consequences of his bad behavior.  It's a step toward getting OOTF, which I assume is your goal or you wouldn't be on this website.

It's okay that you like to vent.  There is certainly a place for that here.  We get it, we really do.  But venting only goes so far.  It tamps down a little of your stress, then you are back to square one.  Nothing has changed and your stress level is rising.  So my humble advice is to try something different.  Call your dad's bluff.  Be assertive.  He is running roughshod over you and you are just basically ignoring the problem.  I'm sorry I don't have better news, but the problem still remains, even if you ignore it.  Your dad continues pushing your buttons and pulling your strings and nothing ever changes.  Time for action, not talk.  Time for boundaries.    :yes:

Yeh thanks illogicial. Keep telling me - I know you speak the truth.

I just find it so hard to start the "battle" full time to be honest. I want to be there but I'm scared of all the stress it will cause for me.

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p123

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Re: Calling at work - dont give out your number!
« Reply #11 on: October 10, 2019, 06:28:31 AM »
I agree with Illogical - it's time to *take control* - especially if it means wresting it from his hands.  :yes:

He calls while you're at work?  He already knows you don't want him to, but does anyway - the only option is to BLOCK him.  :ninja:

If he has somebody drive him to your house, don't answer the door.  Let him knock until he gives up and leaves - but if he doesn't and makes a scene, call the police and have him removed.  :ninja:

Chances are, he'll never do it again - and the person who drove him will *never* want to be involved again.  :disappear:

If he calls the police, tell them you are fine and your father is mentally ill.  His issues are getting worse - please don't report back to him, as it only encourages him.  :ninja:

You've taken back control - he can't get to you by phone or in person - you've blocked that access, too.  8-)

And yes, this is how it has to be - you need clear, consistent *boundaries* for yourself - and your dealings with him.

He doesn't want his groceries delivered, and still expects you to run all over, shopping for him?

Nope.  Delivered only.  If he cancels it, he'll be responsible for figuring out how to get food.  :ninja:

If he needs to go to the hospital/ER, HE will have to figure out a way there, and not rely on you, because *his number will be blocked permanently* - and you'll find out just how resourceful your dad really is.  :yes:

He just doesn't want to be, because he thinks he's special - and entitled and *owed* everything.

I agree that venting is great - but venting only gets you so far, unless you're willing to *take action* to make changes.  :yes:

Call his bluff, as Illogical said - that's when you find out how *powerless* he really is.

Think about it.  If you block his number, he can't bug you.  Only a finite number of people - if any - are going to drive him to your house, and want to wait while he knocks on a door that's never going to be answered, only to turn around and drive him home.  :roll:

And once you tell the cops your father is mentally ill, or slipping, getting old, whatever - they're going to not take him seriously, and may even get your version of Adult Protective Services involved.

He hasn't thought about any of that - because he can only think of himself and NOT how other people are going to react to his unreasonable or outrageous demands.

I know what your father doesn't know - taking more and more extreme action only makes him look WORSE to professionals, whose opinion matters.  :yes:

Professionals know other professionals - and they talk.  Your father may wind up on a bubble he didn't know was there, regarding his safety and mental health.

Your dad is a lot like unNPD Ray - he was just going to keep forcing the issue and upping the ante about getting me over there as his slave until he WON - and I was his captive, at his beck and call, with no life of my own, because that didn't matter to him.

But Ray overplayed his hand, I stayed out of it - now Ray can't make any decisions for himself, and nobody listens to him at the nursing home.  They just breeze in and out, not paying any mind to the grandiose man with his wild claims of money and power, how important he is, and how they have to get the GIRL over there to do her job.  :roll:

If your dad isn't careful, he's going to wind up the same way - and it won't be your fault.

All you have to do is start putting up boundaries - it lets others SEE what's *really* going on, and your dad will eventually get the help he needs, instead of what he thinks you owe him.

All you have to do is take the first step, and eventually, it all comes good.  :yes:

 :hug:

Thanks WI. I know I know.....

I just wish I had the courage to do this to be honest....I am awful at it.

As for the professionals. Not sure its that "joined up" here in the UK. Honestly, we're at the mercy of the NHS which can be somewhat "variable". I've tried in the past to speak to his GP, hospitals etc (mainly about his constant abuse of emergency services) but nothing gets done. Its pretty normal behaviour for the NHS to be honest. They can hardly manage critical care and emergencies let alone speaking to different departments!

Oh yes. Dad I'm sure is convinced that I'm there only to do what he wants. Hes also got this misguided idea that he can give out advice to me on anything and I should do what he says. Of course, most of his advice is complete rubbish anyway....

The Xmas discussion is coming soon. Hes NOT going to like it. TOUGH. Its the first step to be honest. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

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lkdrymom

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Re: Calling at work - dont give out your number!
« Reply #12 on: October 10, 2019, 12:34:06 PM »
Before he went into assisted living my old job was within walking distance.  He often stopped by and ďcamped outĒ.  No real concept that I was at work. 

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SunnyMeadow

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Re: Calling at work - dont give out your number!
« Reply #13 on: October 10, 2019, 01:11:18 PM »
It's okay that you like to vent.  There is certainly a place for that here.  We get it, we really do.  But venting only goes so far.  It tamps down a little of your stress, then you are back to square one.  Nothing has changed and your stress level is rising.  So my humble advice is to try something different.  Call your dad's bluff.  Be assertive.  He is running roughshod over you and you are just basically ignoring the problem.  I'm sorry I don't have better news, but the problem still remains, even if you ignore it.  Your dad continues pushing your buttons and pulling your strings and nothing ever changes.  Time for action, not talk.  Time for boundaries.    :yes:

Excellent advice! I was doing the same thing when I found this website. Amazingly, I finally found my people! All the people on this site really understand unlike people in my day to day life. It's a wonderful feeling.

I liked that venting was a way to share and receive validation. And as always, my uNPDmom kept on bulldozing her way into my life so it was time for action. I read how others here stood up for themselves and I had to do the same. It took setting strict boundaries to really feel as if I was running my life instead of my mother running it for me.

Finally, it was up to me to act like the adult I am and protect myself. I'm much better off for doing it. It's scary and guilt inducing but so is putting up with the woe is me and waify mother act, constantly wanting all my attention.

Taking the first step in setting a firm boundary is really difficult p123. Putting up with the same old sniveling "when are you coming to visit, you don't make time for me" crap is difficult too. I'm betting once you stand up for yourself and your family you'll feel empowered and it will be much easier setting protective boundaries.