When you realize that your parent who you idolized enabled your PD mom

[Ariel]

So I idolized my dad. I thought he was the best parent, understanding and I wasn't afraid of him. But in getting Out of the FOG, I realize that he enabled my mom and didn't protect me. He did a little when he was home but he left me with her and went to work. After she would rage, look and act like a crazy person, hit me, curse me abuse me. He would make me apologize. I didn't realize how demeaning that was and how it crushed me, felt abandoned. Everyone thinks he is a great guy. But his duty was to protect his children. Maybe it was asking to much but I just wanted him to take us away from her. I told him that when I was a teenager , he said he wanted to once but couldn't leave her.
Is it normal to experience this anger at the enabling parent. He has Alzheimer's do can't even confront him

[Andeza]

Yes, it is normal to feel angry. Allowing the abuse is really just another form of abuse. My dad was also an enabler, which was a little hard to come to terms with. I didn't confront him about it even though he is capable of being confronted... My reasoning is that that part of my life, of allowing the abuse, is over. For me it is a part of recovery, and moving on, to let it go.

Have you thought about writing an unsent letter? It may help you in your healing process.

[Drawing_boundaries]

Hi Ariel,
Your story has similar elements to mine. My father was the family enabler. I started coming Out of the FOG I realised he was the enabler who kept the pattern of abuse normalised by minimising the level of abuse in the family home. This hurt terribly more than all the other fractures in the family because I always identified closely with my father and loved our relationship.

My father has now passed and in the last few years of his life we came to peace with each other but like you I was angry for a long time. Then I began to understand the parameters of his emotional and social coping skills - this helped me see him as a full human with flaws. I am still vulnerable to being suckered into an enablers pattern of behaviour but I am working on that.

[Hazy111]

Yes this is very common with a PD parent.
There are some very good threads on this, already.

One acts as an enabler, as it is a codependent relationship. My father was a a covert narc type who enabled my uBPD mom. He kept her stable but at our expense.

He also covertly abused her as he was a narc. He kept her in check (not enough money) and she became frustrated with us. As long as she was stable he could carry on as he wished. If she was upset with the children , then he would side with her, he had an easier life. 

It was delicately balanced dysfunctional family dynamic.

[all4peace]

I think it's a sign of healing to finally recognize and feel appropriate anger at the parent who "seemed" like the good one but really just enabled the abuse. I've read--and it makes sense to me--that in childhood we NEED to believe that at least one of our parents is able to care for us. If we had to face that both weren't up to the task, it would have been too overwhelming. And so we make one of them "good enough" in our minds, but as adults and if we're parents ourselves we may eventually have to face the fact that we actually didn't have any parent who was able to be a loving, consistent and nurturing parent.

I am so sorry. It is a terribly painful thing to face, and for me the anger and rage was a safer way to feel powerful rather than facing the deep hurt, betrayal and abandonment that was hiding underneath. When I finally got all the anger out, I could start facing the deep grief I had never been able to face. It was a fairly solid year of grieving all the losses of childhood and re-parenting my inner children before I could start feeling more like my own adult self again.

And it comes up, again and again, but less powerfully each time. It becomes more a part of my story, just one part of my life, rather than THE story line. I hope that makes sense.

You're doing great! These are not fun feelings to feel, but I do believe they're an important part of the process. For me, the final conclusion has been that I have my own ability to father and mother myself, to find that in my higher power, to find it in other safe people. I did not, and I never will have had, good-enough parents. That left a lot of damage and wounds, but I am healable, lovable, salvageable. I can face all of it, in time, in chunks, and become a whole person. And so can you

[HeadAboveWater]

Ariel, I think what you're feeling is completely normal. At the very least I can vouch for having had complicated thoughts about my non-PD relatives, and I have read others' similar accounts here at Out of the FOG. So, if it helps, you are not alone in this experience.

In an ideal situation, responsible adults would always see the damage that the PDI's were doing and know how best to protect vulnerable individuals from it. Yet sometimes good people don't do the best things for their children. We don't always know why --lack of awareness, fear, lack of resources.

As All4peace said so beautifully, feeling the anger and then the grief is a complicated and difficult process. It is enormously frustrating that our experiences were, at many turns, preventable. And yet, there's nothing to change them now and no benefit to pretending they were different than they were. I can offer the assurance that with time and processing so many of us do feel better and more functional.

[WomanInterrupted]

It's very normal to feel angry, I think.

I didn't idolize unNPD Ray - I couldn't stand  him.  I never knew which of the pair - unBPD Didi or unNPD  Ray - was the primary attack dog until I was in my 40's.   

It was Didi - but  Ray was her trusty lackey and would do whatever she wanted.  I never felt safe or secure - I was blamed for things that weren't my fault and had no way of being my fault, and wound up being punished for them, just because I think they both liked to see me suffer.   

As I started coming Out of the FOG, I was volcanically angry at Didi - but even more angry at Ray, who just did as he was told and abused a child, for no reason other than to make his mentally ill wife happy and take the heat off  himself.   

I mainly stayed away during unBPD Didi's decline and death, and wound up dehoarding their house after she was gone - it really was that bad, Ray was in his 80's, has severe balance issues, and the place really was a death-trap.  As much as I don't like him, I have a heart - and have to sleep at night.   

All Ray did was invalidate me, insult me, put all Didi's faults onto me as things - a CHILD - had taught her!   

That one blew my mind - "Didi never spent money until you came along and taught her it burned a hole in her pocket!" 

Um...that was a bald-faced LIE, too - I came along in 1965.  There was *plenty* of "I can't believe it's the 1950's!" furniture stored in the basement, next to the *heater!* 

Blame, shame, invalidation, being  told their "friend" was such a hard worker when she'd come over and mosey her way through a few grocery sacks of stuff, and I'd be there busting my ass, clearing ROOMS, while she made herself an obstacle and Ray covered for her - yup.  GREAT way to spend a spring, I'll tell you.   

C, the friend, was also a hoarder of dolls, bears, miniatures, dollhouses and room boxes - just like Didi.  She *insisted* we keep all that stuff for some "garage sale" she expected me to host at hers, and I wasn't having it.  I just kept getting rid of the stuff, Ray knew, Ray was cool with it - but when C figured it out, Ray threw me under the bus - "Don't make her mad!  You're just mad!  Stop being mad!  You're rocking the boat!  She works HARD!  Don't upset her!"   

I told Ray I could just STOP at any point and leave C to do what she wanted.  Ray didn't want that!  He wanted a clear, clean house - but Ray  didn't care what it was doing to me, every time he sided with C against me, and *told me how I was feeling.*   

I wound up getting rid of everything C wanted, called her and told her - and told her not to come back. 

She called Ray and said she *decided* not to come back - I laughed at that and said, "That's an odd way to put you've been BANISHED." 

Ray told me to stop being mad.  I was just mad.   

I was anything but.  Mostly disgusted - at him, and realized there was no relationship to be had.  I didn't have a father.  I had a person who blamed, shamed, assigned emotions, and only thought of himself.

He didn't love me - he thought of me as a thing.   

I finished the house and went back under my VVVVVLC rock, and mostly avoided him for the next few years, because he made me feel so damned bad.

Didi and Ray had a waterbed - he hated it and wanted to get a new mattress.  He asked me if I wanted the waterbed and I told him no, so he argued with me about how GREAT it was - and I kept telling him, "NO THANK  YOU."   

A few days later, he called to tell me I HAD to come pick up the waterbed.  I told him I'd already told him  we didn't want or need it and he blew a gasket, telling me I HAD to come get it or they were going to charge him $50 to come back and remove it - I told him I wanted it!   

I told him I NEVER said that - I told him I didn't want it, and if he had to pay extra for his mistake, that wasn't my problem. 

I actually threw stuff at the wall, after that phone call - small stuff, like scratch pads and memo pads, because I was just so  G-D *frustrated.* 

I became desperately avoidant, from that point on.  He was NOT going to land on us like a house.  I was NOT going to be his slave.  He needed help - he wanted me, instead, and that wasn't happening.   

And it didn't.  He overplayed his hand, fell the day the visiting nurse *just happened* to be stopping by, REFUSED to push the Life Alert button by his hand - and I refused to do a thing when called.  I told the nurse to have the cops break in, they called APS, I gave my blessing and Ray was pulled out, taken to a hospital, and declared incompetent shortly after.   

I've been NC for over 3  years, and really only give him a thought when the annual paperwork  arrives this time of year, for Medicaid re certification. 

That's what a lifetime of anger at the enabling parent eventually boils down to, if you're lucky:  disinterest.  Apathy.  Letting his life play out without your care, concern or involvement. 

By deferring to Didi, and being himself, Ray created his own hell, where I really don't care what happens to him.  I just wanted him in a safe environment, getting the care he needs and not what he thinks I owe him.

I've only felt safe for the first time  in my life since he's been in, what my inner child calls Monster Jail.

Ray is in Monster Jail.  The monster can't get me.  It can't roar, threaten, scream , hit or spank.  It can't slap, kick, punch, grab hair by the handful, or tell me I'm killing my mother - who is thankfully DEAD.   

But I'll tell you, this is the Ultimate Cosmic Irony:  Ray has dementia and possibly Alzheimer's, among many other brain diagnoses  - and he'll never remember what he did to me, and even if he did, he'll never own up to it.

And I'll never forget.    

[scapegoat/caregiver]

i'm so sorry you are going thru this.  very similar to my experiences. I was angry  (VERY)  for a long time.. still am when I think about things.
but what helped me to help my inner child was memories of my grandmother.
she was an angel to me when I was young...she loved me....she said to me one day...
"you're other nana and I do not agree with the way you are being raised" they KNEW something was wrong... maybe that's why my NM hated her

I never could understand what she meant until I
  1)became a mom then imagined... ME doing what THEY did to me...to my own children... OMG...NEVER!!... I love my children so much.
2) getting Out of the FOG..learning that I was always alone when I was a child....except for my grandmother. I believe i'm different partly because of her

perhaps you can think back and remember someone helping you along the way??  a normal relative that knew something was not right...a friend??... a teacher.... a friends mom???

the anger and sadness can be overwhelming... try and remember you are not alone and work on yourself

I hope everything gets better for you

[alphaomega]

So much clarity coming all of a sudden as a result of these great threads, thank you.

I will never forget me going on and on about how wonderful my father was to my therapist.

After 50 sessions of that, she finally looked at me and said "AO as wonderful as I am sure your father was, he was a raging alcoholic, who ultimately didn't protect you from the monster that was your mother".

It shocked me back into a reality I never allowed to exist.

My dad WAS an amazing man.  Truly an angel on earth.   But he was in the FOG deeper than any of us.  Catholic Guilt allowed and encouraged him to stay in a marriage that he should have left when he found out my NPDM was stealing phenobarbital from her patients in the hospital....

She "hated" having to go to her MIL's every Sunday for dinner.  I guess my patrenal grandmother wanted to have her 5 children and all their families close, so she would cook every Sunday for everyone so they could spend an hour a week together and bond.

Such a bitch, right ? 

Anyway, my mother would load up on her stolen meds before "had" to go there. 
Then she wouldnt eat (because she "hated" the food her MIL cooked) but would proceed to drink martinis like it was her job.

This was long before I was born.  But my late sister was just a little one. 

She would then drive home.

Welp, one night after one of these episodes, she sideswiped a bunch of cars.  This was the early 60's, so DUI's werent really a thing.

But shortly thereafter (I am piecing this all together now) my father "INSISTED SHE QUIT HER BELOVED NURSING JOB AND STAY HOME AND RAISE HER CHILD".

I am just wondering now, if infact he knew what she was doing with stealing the meds, and forced her hand ?

The strangest part about all of this, is my sister, who was a pharmacist, was ALSO stealing meds from Walgreens some 20 years later.
Downers of course becuase living in my home was its own special type of fresh hell.

My sister died as a result of those stolen meds.  She OD'd.  On stolen meds.  She was a pharmacist. 

Wow, I've got some serious thinking to do....

[Ariel]

Alpha Omega, mother hated for my dad to visit his mother,who was a widow. She lived 10 minutes away. And when we all went it was awful. Many raging fights were caused my her jealousy. Many holidays ruined.

[overitall]

I'm not sure that I ever idolized my father, but I definitely felt sorry for him and sympathized with him....it wasn't really until I got older that I started to put everything together....my uBPDm went through an extended hermit phase, where she literally only left the house to grocery shop...for years, my father did everything...all school, sports, church activities....he loved the attention and everyone telling him what a great guy he was....I learned, however, that he was using his time away from my Mom to interact and have affairs with other women....she never left the house so she didn't know and I don't think she really cared...she just was an angry, angry BPD who wanted to be left alone..
After we were all old enough we figured he would divorce her...Nope...and yes, they are still together...what I came to realize is that he is uNPD and she is uBPD....she has abandonment issues and he can do whatever he wants as long as he doesn't leave her...he would leave us alone in the house with her and she would unload all of her anger and rage on us (physical and verbal).  When we would try to get him to protect us, he made excuses for her....
I realize now that they stayed together because they are both very disordered...they are old now (80's) and I am NC....I do know from other people that their dynamics are exactly as they always were...I lost all sympathy for my father when I discovered he had a secret life (other child, etc) and he used me as his alibi....told uBPDm that he was gone from their home so often because he was helping me with my kids (not true, never happened)  I was always her personal whipping post, so she believed what he told her....he did not care about me, just about doing what he wanted....he knows he lost me forever, but the only way he could fix it is to tell the truth, which he'll never do....He'll take his secrets to his grave, UNTIL the illegitimate child shows up asking for inheritance money

[Ariel]

I am sorry overitall that that happened to you

[Adrianna]

I think it's a sign of healing to finally recognize and feel appropriate anger at the parent who "seemed" like the good one but really just enabled the abuse. I've read--and it makes sense to me--that in childhood we NEED to believe that at least one of our parents is able to care for us. If we had to face that both weren't up to the task, it would have been too overwhelming. And so we make one of them "good enough" in our minds, but as adults and if we're parents ourselves we may eventually have to face the fact that we actually didn't have any parent who was able to be a loving, consistent and nurturing parent.

I am so sorry. It is a terribly painful thing to face, and for me the anger and rage was a safer way to feel powerful rather than facing the deep hurt, betrayal and abandonment that was hiding underneath. When I finally got all the anger out, I could start facing the deep grief I had never been able to face. It was a fairly solid year of grieving all the losses of childhood and re-parenting my inner children before I could start feeling more like my own adult self again.

And it comes up, again and again, but less powerfully each time. It becomes more a part of my story, just one part of my life, rather than THE story line. I hope that makes sense.

You're doing great! These are not fun feelings to feel, but I do believe they're an important part of the process. For me, the final conclusion has been that I have my own ability to father and mother myself, to find that in my higher power, to find it in other safe people. I did not, and I never will have had, good-enough parents. That left a lot of damage and wounds, but I am healable, lovable, salvageable. I can face all of it, in time, in chunks, and become a whole person. And so can you

This is really great advice and exactly what I'm going through. Well said.

[overitall]

Thanks, Ariel....through this website I have discovered that I am not alone...it comforts (and saddens) me to know that others have experience as much, and sometimes more, than I have.....Life is a journey, and at the age of 40 I chose to remove myself from the dysfunctional party bus of my FOO....the BEST decision I have ever made...