Financial Exploitation? (longish)

Started by chaosflower, October 07, 2019, 11:09:54 PM

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chaosflower

Hi all,

So the DH did something I just today learned about, and I'm still reeling and questioning reality quite a bit. Need some feedback about whether this sounds like typical PD behavior, literal naivete, or something more sinister..?

The DH has always had a lot of trouble holding down a steady, FT or even PT job. And yet he talks as though he is completely obsessed with the idea of doing well and making a lot of money- at the same time as reviling those who value money above all else. He grew up with a double income household, which got disrupted when parents divorced when he was about 12. He claims he and the family had always struggled finanically since then- at least until she remarried to someone who got a good income. He claims his behaviors and attitudes come from someone who has always scraped by with not enough money. In reality, his family definitely falls into the upper middle-class bracket (his parents just sold a half-million $ house in AK to buy something a "little smaller"- a full size 3 BR "cottage"). He is often upset because he is at the back of the line for financial help from the family, which is large- not because there isn't anything to go around. If it were any type of a real emergency, he can call on his parents to help bail him out of a situation, which they can easily cover.

He has always had difficulties with money. Even when he's worked FT and made a steady paycheck, and I've been working, somehow we just never have enough to pay even the most basic of bills and rent on time. He supplements his work with doing chores for others for pocket money, "visiting friends" who never fail to hook him up with things he likes (beer, smokes, an extra $10 etc).

And yet he always complains he is destitute, alone and unsupported, a victim of circumstance, and how he is getting poor treatment from others- especially workplaces. He will hold a job for several months, and somehow he will start to have some sort of problem with it every time- he gets mysterious bruises, wounds, or other problems that make it physically impossible for him to work... his foot is injured and he can't walk on it so he has to take time out from work... his hand gets a blister and he has to take time out from work... etc. He gets more and more fed up and bitter about it, and eventually starts getting really erratic about the going to work thing, which usually ends in him getting let go/fired, or him walking off the job in a fit of feeling insulted and harmed. Sometimes, rarely, he might get a good reference. He's good with individual people, and with a team he can help manage, but definitely not with authority.

Mind you, the jobs he winds up getting DO sound pretty awful at times... as though he can't seem to find any other work besides the worst possible employer he could pick out. He insists he is trying for something better all the time... But he doesn't send out more than one or two apps a week even when he IS really looking. For about a year before we moved, he did nothing except freak out and spend time at one or other of his buddies' houses getting stoned and not doing a thing. This was after he had already run out of a years' worth of unemployment since his prior job. I had to cover everything even though I was chronically ill and sick from several ongoing problems.

I HAD had some inheritance money... I was able to do a few good things with it, and now own my own property and vehicle outright... but of course he helped me spend all of that, and then he moved with me. So the problems have continued.

I noticed a pattern start to settle in early on, after we moved in together, and also after I had stopped being able to work FT. To the tune of, we would be trying to share bills 50/50 and I tried to make reasonable arrangements about them... He would override that by abruptly offering to pay a bill, such as the phone bill, right after getting paid. He would tell me it was paid. Then later on in the month, I'd get a text the phone was going to get shut off- sure enough, the bill had NOT been paid at all. When confronted with this, his answer was a nonchalant "Oh I was going to get that with the next paycheck." What happened to, "I paid the bill??" Oh apparently I misunderstood, he was saying he was GOING to pay the bill, when he got to it. No way to argue around that one.
Or at other times, when he was out of money (for some reason, he doesn't tend to share with me his financial details except verbally), he might be likely to bully me and pressure me into getting a thing he wanted. Usually smokes or beer. He would get into a fit where he would get very insistent and demanding about his ask, until the point where I would break down crying and hand him $5 for what he wanted. Later he would seem to be dissociated from the fact that he did this, and from any genuine ability to understand how this affected me emotionally. I would get "I'm sorry" but never any feeling of remorse that took how I WAS into account, if that makes sense.

And then tonight... this took the cake.
He was going to get a paycheck late last month, and I asked him to bring me cash so I could get a money order to pay our HOA fee. Which isn't huge, but it is over $100. Instead of bringing me the $, he said he paid the bill at the office with a cashier's check (and he complained bitterly about getting charged $6 when MO would've only been .89 at the store). So far, so good. Then this past week, I get a call from the HOA office. They explained that the check had been made out wrong, and their bank refused to deposit it. They would kindly return the check and not charge us any late fees, as long as we redid it and completed the payment.
I went and picked it up from the office, and the cashier's check was made out to the DH's name, and not the HOA.
The only way it could still be "good" in this case, was for him to bring it back to the bank and ask them to redo it- then bring the corrected check back to the office.
So what does he do? He takes the check to the bank, on a day when I'm not around, and he deposits it- then goes ahead and USES IT FOR AVAILABLE CASH. By the time I found out he has already spent half the amount. He's been saying for the past few days, "Don't worry about buying that- I have money." I'm like- from where? I assumed from one of his side errands or some such.
But oh, no. His story NOW, after having been given complete instructions on what to do with the check, is that he "misunderstood" because he thought he could just deposit the funds and use them, "because I already gave you almost all the money from my last check, and I figured you would pay it out of that. I have to save back some money for myself."
Mind you, he gave me a chunk of money that went to THIS MONTH'S first of the month bills... and after this he had already saved back about $220 for himself (half of which he spent on weed.) He knew perfectly well that check was NOT extra $$ for him. This leaves us with barely anything to live on or pay any more bills until his next check, PLUS we owe now for HOA for both last month AND this month to be paid in the same 30 day period.
He also got upset this morning about work, and how after abruptly deciding to not come in yesterday he got criticism from them and was sent home from work for a couple of days to "really think over whether he wants to keep this job", as he put it. He was all offended and shouted at me that he is "going to have to quit" working there.
It doesn't sound like a very good place, but it's currently the only income we have, since my business cash flow is all tied up in limbo until I get some insurance reimbursement payments (or more out of pocket clients). I have a hard time working FT, so I am at the moment completely dependent on his income- a scary place to be indeed.
He is acting all butthurt now that I was so upset about this cashier's check incident, insists it was an innocent mistake/misundertanding on his part, and somehow has the gall to blame it on my "never going over the bills with him". Funny, when it's time to go over the bills when he gets paid... he is never around. Even with that, our expenses are now extremely stable and predictable every month, and he knows what they are. He also knows what I've spent money on because I tell him every time I pay a bill- or he is at the store when I'm buying food.
I've often gotten the feeling I may be getting taken advantage of financially... But there's always that veneer of "but it's actually okay and just a misunderstanding" that makes me crazy. Maybe I AM just being paranoid, even if he is being irresponsible? Even if he is expecting me to play "mommy" and blindly hope that I will bail him out of whatever dumb choices he's made? But at the same time... My financial picture was never this bad until after I started living with him. I can manage my own money just fine when it's just me.
Feeling pretty lost about what to do now.

1footouttadefog

Yes you are being financially abused by a druggie.

The deal with the cashier's check is the work of a conniving liar.  Wow.

If you do not protect yourself he will put you in financial ruin. 

You are being used.

SparkStillLit

You are absolutely being taken for a ride. You're not paranoid at ALL. And can I just share something scarily interesting about the job thing? My H is nowhere near like that, but he was self employed at a trade for 18 years. Toward the end of the 18, he started saying all those same things about his clients. Then he got 2 degrees in a certain field. We struggled on my income while he had a sketchy on and off job from one of his professors. He didn't try to find another during that, but did the bitter thing and how he couldn't find a job here. Then no income for a while and all the bitter rages about here while our s savings disappeared. My stepdad found him a job that he quickly worked his way very high in, but it sounded like the most horrible company on the planet and he was ugly and ragey the whole time he worked there, and talked nonstop about it and the people. NONSTOP. LITERALLY. Quit there eventually (was forced to, I guess, quit before you get let go) and went back to trade.
These stories sound so exactly familiar in what they say and do, it's scary to me.

sad_dog_mommy

I am so sorry you are going through this.  I was on a financial rollercoaster ride with a man who has a borderline personality disorder.  He too could not keep a job for very long.  He got great jobs that paid very well but soon after he started there would be conflict with co-workers who were "jealous" or "threatened by his reputation in the industry"   The relationship left me a little bitter and resentful because it was not a partnership.  I was basically supporting him and felt used. 

Financial abuse seems to be a common trait of a personality disorder.  My exbf would say "this is how couples do things, some months you cover more of the bills, some months I will".  Well, that never happened.  He was terrible with money and had the worst lowest credit score on the scale.  Ironically that is one of the reasons I never married him even though we were together almost 10 years.  I didn't want his credit score anywhere near mine.   As soon as he had money he would buy himself things.  He had a sneaky eBay habit.  The packages would arrive while I was at work so I didn't really know the extent of how much money he spent on sports memorabilia.   And it was all junk.  Nothing of value.

You are not alone.   You will find a lot of support on this message board.  Read as many posts as you can and I bet you will find someone's story that resonates with you.

((( hug )))
Sometimes you don't realize you're actually drowning when you are trying to be everyone else's anchor.   

Not all storms come to disrupt your life, some come to clear your path.

Unconditional love doesn't mean you have to unconditionally accept bad behavior.

bloomie

chaosflower - Hi there. What a load you have been carrying for a long time - I read your original Welcome Mat post from 2017 and it seems it has been seriously hard for this entire time. You have made some really good decisions about securing a home and vehicle for yourself. Good work with those decisions.

Some thoughts - your H could be my younger brother's identical twin. I have witnessed first hand the financial, emotional, physical roller coaster my now ex sil and our family went through with my responsibility teflon, self indulging, possibly BPD, always a victim, poor pitiful, addicted brother.

Consistent past behaviors where you cannot rely on your H to hold down a job, get along with others in the workplace, willingly contribute equally and with integrity in all aspects of your relationship, communicate honestly and respectfully - are the most reliable indicators of what the future holds. Only you can decide how to go forward, but for sure developing healthy boundaries around what you will/will not allow in close intimate relationship with you is a very important first step in all this imv.

It might be really helpful to go to a few alanon meetings and get some in real life support from others who are living with similar behaviors in their loved ones: https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/

Do you have a support system and someone to talk this through with in real life and a way to get your finances completely separate from his? It seems it is a priority to get out of the hole he has gotten you into and not allow yourself to be taken deeper into financial debt because of his unreliability.

The toolbox and traits info above are a great help and the support and encouragement of the this community is validating and healing. Keep coming back and sharing! :hug:
The most powerful people are peaceful people.

The truth will set you free if you believe it.

ICantThinkOfAName

Sad dog mommy. My uOCODh said those exact words about being a couple. Sometimes I have more and sometimes you do. Yeah when you work very little for very little it ensures that I'm the one that ALWAYS has more. Ugh.  I gave him use of two of my vehicles until they were driven into the ground. I mean yeah we are married so my vehicle is his vehicle right?  I haven't been without a car payment for 10 years now.

foobarred

Yep, he's abusing you.  Read the "Top 100 traits" under the Personality Disorders section, and see how many of them he checks off.

What he's doing is classic gaslighting - when caught doing something wrong the PD starts spinning lies like a squid releases ink.  By the time he's done, reality has been rewritten and suddenly *you're* the financially irresponsible one, and *he's* a saint for putting up with you (projection).  That's why their abuse is so crazy-making: it's so hard to pin down.  They're always so plausible, always ready with an excuse to justify their behavior: it wasn't so bad, it didn't happen like that, you misunderstood, and anyway you made me do it. :stars:

The goal is to keep you on the back foot while simultaneously making you doubt your grip on reality.

It's not just financial abuse, it's psychological warfare.


tommom

What a quotable quote: "When caught doing something wrong the PD starts spinning lies like a squid releases ink..."

Yes, chaosflowerm it IS- financial abuse. I have lived with it for years and years. In fact your h could be my PDh's clone.....
"It is not my job to fix other people; everyone is on their own journey."

xredshoesx

my ex did a lot of this chaos..... part of his MO was to convince me i couldn't live without him and his part time income.....  i ended up paying for one of his DUIs in the process, because i was so enmeshed and afraid to be alone.

keep reading what you shared with us.  is this what you want your relationship to be? it doesn't sound like he is willing to change.