Now I can't go back to Bible study

[Fae Greenwood]

I lost it tonight on the inside. The first Bible study I've attended at my church in over seven years and I don't think I can return.

Ten years ago I began to accept that my husband's behavior towards me was not consistent with love. I was struggling with cognitive dissonance in a major way and hurt and angry and frightened and all the stupid that comes with that. I attended Bible study and was in a low level leadership position for a while and went what I now acknowledge was crazy. I didn't talk about what he did because how do you communicate the constant stream of low level constant garbage that adds up to a tidal wave of pain? I did cry a lot and I think I wished my husband dead, so no more leadership for Fae! And truly it was right for me to be quietly slipped out. Two of the members of tonights group are from that time.

Tonight we were to discuss a deep subject. Somehow, because it's ALWAYS PRESSING ON ME, I ended up talking about the deep well of anger I have because "someone" near me is extremely "difficult." I won't say my husband is a narcissist because I don't want to explain and explain, he's never been diagnosed, and it's private anyway. But I'd had an incident with him just before leaving (instead of eating dinner I'd made he ate chips and said he wasn't ready to eat and it was burgandy beef on veggies with butter lettuce salad and he's a jerk) ending with the request for intimacy when he got home (every three days no matter what) so that's something to look forward to (she said sarcastically). I stayed to protect my kids and their prospects because in my case I knew he'd destroy them without me to stand guard, and now I stay for health insurance and 401k retirement. It has cost me and tonight it really caught up with me.

And the two women glanced at each other, like they'd been expecting something out of me. And inside I was suddenly white hot. I was so jealous of the woman whose husband retired a few years ago and he's turned really mean and she had the support of his family and she sleeps on her own and had a great job and has a dog who likes her and shes struggling and I'm thinking how she doesn't know s***. And I'm sick of looking like a lunatic when uNPDh looks normal because they don't know the rages and the crazy demands. I ended up telling them about how i'd stopped smiling at him four years ago because SMILING made me a target. I told them that I don't talk at home because it makes me a target. I outed my husband but more I looked nuts and needy all over again. I don't want to go back again, the fat middle-aged unemployed failure who is nuts.

So I have to decide if leaving or staying is better.

[Cascade]

I'm sorry to hear you had a negative experience with your bible study group. Maybe those two women weren't thinking anything negative about you at all, but were concerned with not knowing how to respond.
      I wish there were bible study groups for people in difficult marriages. Not so we could all sit around and vent but if we had to let something out because of a rough day, we would be understood and supported.

[SparkStillLit]

I'm sorry Fae. I wish I could squeeze you and tell you I get it. Sometimes it bursts out like that. I understand what choices you've made, and what happens to you. I feel like that often. Stupid mundane things make me a target. I, too, wish there were something "normal" in our lives...a Bible study, a book club....where if we let that out, the other ladies might nod, offer a hug if we wanted (I hate them, but I'm a weirdo), perhaps a tissue, then we could carry on and not be made to feel like crazy people.
Since we're NOT.

[SquarePegs80]

First off you are not a failure  I have been where you are many times and it has taken a lot of work to work out for me what works. You made yourself very vulnerable and that is scary for anyone but I believe you just needed to have your say, if these women judge you for it than so be it the Bible Study isn't meant to be. Years ago when my husband was trying to work himself out I opened myself up at a women's get together and I too just poured my heart and soul out trying to bring relief to my situation and hopefully gain some support a long the way. I understand how you feel truly I do, opening myself up like that didn't quite work out the way I had planned and I didn't receive much support but I needed to say it, you will know who has your back. It has been years of dealing with PD husband and church and I am not in church now because of his behavior and I truly believed the Lord said to me "no more" with his behavior and church and others just not getting it. I am in such a better place now because I do in home bible studies as I heal from the crazy  push pull of church with a PD husband. I have been called a heretic, devil worshiper and I just say that is your opinion and he leaves me alone now. It is so hard when you hope your brothers and sisters in Christ will embrace you and tell you they understand, narc abuse is tough so finding like minded people that understand can be tough. I have one good friend that I opened up slowly too the past couple of years and she gets it I only hope and pray you can find someone to confide in as well. Keep posting here, we understand. 

[1footouttadefog]

Sorry to read that you made yourself vulnerable and did not feel validated or understood as a result.

It's tough to have a two faced pd spouse.  I can remember having one of the worst weeks ever with my pdh and stopping to buy something at a local market where he used to take the kids for lunch while I was working part time to fill an income gap because he could not work any longer.   "You are so lucky, your husband is such a great guy.  He love those kids and it such a good dad. Etc etc etc etc."  I wanted to scream. 

[Fae Greenwood]

I'm sorry Fae. I wish I could squeeze you and tell you I get it. Sometimes it bursts out like that. I understand what choices you've made, and what happens to you. I feel like that often. Stupid mundane things make me a target. I, too, wish there were something "normal" in our lives...a Bible study, a book club....where if we let that out, the other ladies might nod, offer a hug if we wanted (I hate them, but I'm a weirdo), perhaps a tissue, then we could carry on and not be made to feel like crazy people.
Since we're NOT.

Thank you for your comments. This is it, SpartStillLit. I'd like to say I have an unhappy marriage because my husband suddenly get nuts sometimes, thanks for the tissue, let us move on with our lives. I've only begun starting to tell a few trusted friends so to hear myself have verbal diarrhea was awful. 

Having my thoughts, desires, and concerns dismissed by my uNPDh is crushing. Of course folks on this board know that. Sitting in a group and being asked to be genuine before God in front of people I don't know well and ultimately have no reason to trust is something I don't think I can do now. I don't blame anyone at the study.  A big part of living with a PD is not delving too deep. It's definitely been a barrier in my faith.

But here is a good outcome in that I clearly need to see a therapist. I will look for one who has some experience with PDs.

[SparkStillLit]

Fae I wish you the best in finding a good therapist where you CAN let all that out!
I also still hope you can find another Bible study where you're comfortable and don't know anybody, so you can have something to do outside of the house, that you enjoy.

1foot, it does drive a person right up the wall to listen to that, and there you stand with your smile fixed on, and "mmm hmm" nodding along while inside you're bursting with YOU HAVE NO IDEA!!

[1footouttadefog]

Perhaps you can find another social outlet. 

Don't let yourself become isolated.

[tommom]

Fae, that might just be a case of not knowing what to say. People often don't. They may not understand and they just don't know what to say. I rarely discuss my childhood or marriage, so I know what you mean.

I told my best friend from childhood the truth about my PDm when I first started understanding. He response was -I initially thought- very bad. First she looked sort of shocked and then started to cry. "She said 'I loved your mother'." Then I braced for what I thought was coming. Instead she hugged me and said. "Everybody always knew something was very wrong."

She knew what to say. They just may not have.  Although PDs are getting discussed more and more, people don't understand those behaviors. I will tell you that I have gone to a group for childhood sexual abuse survivors (I am) and several of the members know and understand PD behaviors and it has been a topic for discussion. Like this site, it is very reaffirming. Maybe you could look for something where people had more of a background in serious dysfunctional (is that the word I want) behaviors.