The Birthday Card after NC for six months!

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Re: The Birthday Card after NC for six months!
« Reply #20 on: October 19, 2019, 08:22:23 PM »
...I feel that it is even more futile to try to get them to understand.

The longer I am NC...the better I feel...but...

It's ALL fundamentally wrong that we are in this situation in the first place!

I have been very sad for a number of years, and felt that every time I tried to change things for the better..I have made things much, much worse.

Now I feel sad that the possibility for a meaningful relationship has gone.
It's a different kind of sadness, though, one in which I feel I can get over if I give myself time....grieving maybe??

It is futile to try to get them to understand.  They won't, ever.  They live in their own world and it's miles away from ours.

Yes, it's fundamentally wrong that we are in this situation, but it's the hand we have been dealt.  We didn't choose it.  Life is unfair.

As far as a "meaningful" relationship, no, you won't likely have that.  All give on your part and all take on theirs is not a "meaningful" relationship.  It's a one-sided relationship and, IMHO, is no "relationship" at all. 

You haven't made things worse by trying to change the relationship, except for yourself.  In their eyes, you will "never be good enough".  Doesn't matter what you do.  You are the Scapegoat and therefore the cause of all their problems.  Period.

By trying to change the dynamic by acquiescing to their needs, you have discovered that they have "never-ending" needs" and that you can never, ever, fulfill them.

Yes, time to grieve.  And moreover, TIME TO ACCEPT.  Time to accept that you can't cure them.  You can't control them.  You can't change them [this from the 3'Cs in the Toolbox on this website].

Time to put yourself first, accept that you cannot effect any change in them and go forth living your life.   :yes:

"Applying logic to potentially illogical behaviour is to construct a house on shifting foundations.  The structure will inevitably collapse."

__Stewart Stafford



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Re: The Birthday Card after NC for six months!
« Reply #21 on: October 20, 2019, 08:35:07 AM »
Hi, Illogical...yes, acceptance...
I do feel that this week, after the card (ATC!!!) I am more able to accept that she can't/won't/doesn't know how to change.

The reasons why no longer interest me.



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Re: The Birthday Card after NC for six months!
« Reply #22 on: October 22, 2019, 08:11:13 AM »
Yesterday was my birthday and I received a card from my Mother, instead of the usual small cheque and good wishes, inside was a long message about how I am hurting them all by staying away.
How she wants me to 'make peace' with my brother as he hasn't done anything wrong and that because I am staying away, I am the one who is not allowing her to heal our relationship, to make amends.

Basically it was a message designed to pile on the guilt, make out that she is a victim again of my selfishness....why am I doing this to her? Telling me again about my obligations and what a terrible daughter I am/have been.
If I am such a disappointment...why would she want me around?

Ugh, very telling that she chose to tell you all this in a birthday card. It's supposed to be a celebration of you and a peaceful, fun day for you to enjoy. Why not say all this on any other day? I always get a guilt trip birthday card and pretty much crickets in terms of contact for the rest of the year, so I know how frustrating and upsetting it is. It's very much a blatant attempt to shame and belittle you on a day that should be special.

What I want to ask you all is....

Do I respond?
Do I try to explain that I went NC in order to protect myself?

That it is not about hurting her...there is no grudge here, only a stepping away from the things that hurt me.

I have written a letter, just for me, to work out what to say, but I can't send it....she would not understand.

No, I wouldn't respond. I'd burn it or bin it personally (I have thrown guilt trip cards on the fire in the past...feels great!) Unless she is showing any signs of positive reflection and change then there is little point. You will end up going round in circles trying to get her to understand that her behaviour is the problem. She shouldn't be sending you such things on your birthday anyway. If she genuinely wants to connect with you then she should try doing it on any day of the year rather than hijacking a day that's supposed to be a celebration of you.

I had a nightmare last night...the first for many months, in which I was in a cafe/concert hall and Mother and her friends were at a table pointing at me and telling each other and the audience what a terrible person I was to hurt my Mother in this way.

I feel that this message and the subsequent nightmare has put me back to square one.
I don't wish any of my FOO any harm and honestly think it is better for them as well if I am not around them.

I'm sorry, nightmares are hard. :hug: It is just your brain adapting and trying to come to terms with everything though. It might feel like you're back at square one but you're individuating and growing mentally stronger all the time. I just want to add too, if your FOO isn't being supportive then it could also be better for you if you're not around them.

Happy birthday, I hope you enjoy revisiting it.  :)
"You are not what has happened to you. You are what you choose to become." - Carl Gustav Jung

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." - Maya Angelou