How to Communicate Going NC

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gcj07a

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How to Communicate Going NC
« on: October 09, 2019, 08:36:24 AM »
I have been NC since early August with uBPm. I told her then that I would contact her when I was ready to speak. However, she has been asking my DW questions lately about seeing my kids, and we are concerned that she doesn't "get it" that we will not be with her during the holidays. I am considering sending a message like (not exactly) the following one. I would love feedback on a) the necessity of sending something like this and b) the advisability of doing so:

"Thank you for respecting my wishes since we last communicated. Here is an update: I need more space and time to deal with my own issues, and I need that with no pressure of a deadline, with no rush to "fix" things. I need time to focus on my own marriage and my own family. So, I do not know when I will be ready to speak with you again, but (at minimum) it will be after the first of the year. I ask that you please respect this decision. Please contact DW regarding talking to/seeing the the grandchildren in the meantime."
"How often have I lain beneath the rain, on a strange roof, thinking of home?" -William Faulkner

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Call Me Cordelia

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Re: How to Communicate Going NC
« Reply #1 on: October 09, 2019, 10:00:43 AM »
No idea how old your kids are, but if they need your wife to set up contact that tells me they are young... please think hard about allowing contact with them. Many of us on here follow the philosophy, “Too toxic for me, too toxic for my kids.” I’ll try to write more later.

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Bloomie

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Re: How to Communicate Going NC
« Reply #2 on: October 09, 2019, 11:33:22 AM »
gcj07a - I did a bit of reading of your back posts to get a better sense of what has led to this decision. It sounds like you have lived through a tremendous amount of abuse and terrible experiences with your mother. That is so sad and it is understandable that you need a time out for healing, self care, and to focus on your own needs and your dear family of choice in this.

You have told your mother you need space and will contact her when you are ready. There is nothing complicated in that or difficult to comprehend. Contacting her again would be talking to her one more time than you already have said you are doing about something you have made clear and possibly reinforcing that you are responsible for her "getting it". :no:

Call Me Cordelia makes a very good point that if your mother's behaviors are toxic enough for you to write this in another post...
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3. Has regularly suggested (openly, mind you) that my oldest daughter (4) is perfect and that my middle daughter (3) is awful and needs to be spanked constantly (we don't spank) and that my middle daughter would grow up to have a child out of wedlock.

then reading through this article about Putting Children First may be very validating and helpful for you when making this decision about allowing someone who has manifested such abusive behaviors be in close contact with your children and that your wife be subject to being in contact with her as well.

Another aspect of repeating is that each time we engage with a persistent type like this we enrage them because they are getting contact, but not getting what they want. Being clear and direct, staying on message, saying something one time and not repeating ourselves is what respectful communication looks like. You have told her. She knows.

Just my thoughts on this. Take what is helpful and leave the rest.  :)

Strength and wisdom to you as you find the best path forward for you and your family.
« Last Edit: October 09, 2019, 11:35:24 AM by Bloomie »
"If you focus on the hurt, you will continue to suffer. If you focus on the lesson, you will continue to grow." Dr. Caroline Leaf

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moglow

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Re: How to Communicate Going NC
« Reply #3 on: October 09, 2019, 12:11:31 PM »
Gcj, I think you have communicated your wishes clearly, that you will contact her when you're ready. You're not contacting = you're not ready. Well, that's how my and your minds work, hers and others I know not so much.

If you feel so compelled by all means send a brief note advising minimal information, that you're not ready to speak with her and as of now do not plan to until at minimum after the first of the new year. Be clear and concise. I wouldn't give her anything to argue, pick apart or question - your issues and how you choose to deal with them are frankly none of her business.

My experience has been that giving mommie dearest any ammunition has a way of coming back to bite me firmly in the posterior, usually when I least expect or prepared to discuss with her. I make no mention of any mental or emotional distress, nothing that can be twisted to somehow justify her treatment of me OR give her input for future attacks.
That's my $.02, I hope it helps.
“Nothing exposes our true self more than how we treat each other in the home.”  ~ Joseph B. Wirthlin

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lotusblume

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Re: How to Communicate Going NC
« Reply #4 on: October 10, 2019, 12:10:32 AM »
I have been NC since early August with uBPm. I told her then that I would contact her when I was ready to speak. However, she has been asking my DW questions lately about seeing my kids, and we are concerned that she doesn't "get it" that we will not be with her during the holidays. I am considering sending a message like (not exactly) the following one. I would love feedback on a) the necessity of sending something like this and b) the advisability of doing so:

"Thank you for respecting my wishes since we last communicated. Here is an update: I need more space and time to deal with my own issues, and I need that with no pressure of a deadline, with no rush to "fix" things. I need time to focus on my own marriage and my own family. So, I do not know when I will be ready to speak with you again, but (at minimum) it will be after the first of the year. I ask that you please respect this decision. Please contact DW regarding talking to/seeing the the grandchildren in the meantime."

I have done this mental dance as well, and I admit, I still do it almost every day.

Read this article yesterday, by Issendai, who analyses estranged parents forums.
http://issendai.com/wp/estrangement/on-no-contact-letters-with-a-tangent-about-the-police/

Food for thought!

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gcj07a

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Re: How to Communicate Going NC
« Reply #5 on: October 10, 2019, 11:00:55 AM »
Thanks everyone! Your comments are very helpful as are the resources y'all shared. DW sent uBPm an email of three sentences last night that very tersely set out the boundaries and consequences. I expect this to spark WWIII but, then again, not my circus, not my monkeys.



"How often have I lain beneath the rain, on a strange roof, thinking of home?" -William Faulkner

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moglow

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Re: How to Communicate Going NC
« Reply #6 on: October 10, 2019, 01:11:50 PM »
Exactly! You need to do best for you and yours!! You can't do that in forced chaos.
I really liked this part from the link above:
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If you’re planning to get back in touch:
I will contact you when I’m ready. Trying to contact me before then will make me less, not more, ready.
« Last Edit: October 10, 2019, 01:13:40 PM by moglow »
“Nothing exposes our true self more than how we treat each other in the home.”  ~ Joseph B. Wirthlin

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!

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Call Me Cordelia

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Re: How to Communicate Going NC
« Reply #7 on: October 11, 2019, 12:32:53 AM »
Thanks everyone! Your comments are very helpful as are the resources y'all shared. DW sent uBPm an email of three sentences last night that very tersely set out the boundaries and consequences. I expect this to spark WWIII but, then again, not my circus, not my monkeys.

Terse is good. No JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) to really fuel a war, just facts. It’s only a war for you if you fight back in kind. Which you are far too classy and boundary-savvy to do. I’m not trying to flatter you, but if you’re really believing “not my circus” you’ve already won, IMHO. Good work.

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Starboard Song

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Re: How to Communicate Going NC
« Reply #8 on: October 22, 2019, 02:25:42 PM »
 :bighug:

This is a good and decent thread.

Good luck.
Radical Acceptance, by Brach   |   Self-Compassion, by Neff    |   Mindfulness, by Williams   |   The Book of Joy, by the Dalai Lama and Tutu
Healing From Family Rifts, by Sichel   |  Stop Walking on Egshells, by Mason    |    Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward

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GettingOOTF

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Re: How to Communicate Going NC
« Reply #9 on: October 22, 2019, 03:02:47 PM »
Thank you for that link LotusBloom. I goin it immensely helpful.

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biggerfish

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Re: How to Communicate Going NC
« Reply #10 on: October 22, 2019, 03:37:39 PM »
I agree with Bloomie and with others. If you try to make contact again, then you open yourself up to more toxicity. You already made yourself clear in the past. There's nothing you can do now that would add more clarity because this is not a case of lack of understanding. This is a case of hoovering. My suggestion is to say nothing. Silence. Crickets.

Wouldn't it be nice if the problem really were lack of understanding? But it's not. So why try to clarify.   :stars: