Social Interaction when trying to avoid?

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nojoy_in_this

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Social Interaction when trying to avoid?
« on: October 09, 2019, 09:12:51 PM »
Now that I am better at identifying this narc behavior, I have found it over and over it relationships I am forced to have in my life which includes my child's friends' parents. [There was a breakdown of friendship earlier this year, over a youth sports team, seriously who cares, but narcs do.]

While I understand how to cope with someone I care about, I am having some difficulty with those who I actually don't care about, but I do care about my child's friendships.

So in the end, I am simply hurt by the behavior and I am having trouble facing them socially. I am forced to face them on a weekly basis due to child involvement. My first reaction is to avoid. So I do my best to arrive when I think I will be clear of seeing them and sit no where near them.

However, every so often I have to cross paths, and i Just can't face them and refuse to say a social "hi".

Since I did not offer up the "polite hi", I was contacted by one parent who said this was not okay. I explained I was just hurt and would need time, and of course she came back with all the reasons she was angry - she is the victim, my family is too blame, blah blah blah. I never blamed her, I just said it takes time and I am working on moving forward.

These are people who are outside my realm of care but I have to deal with them constantly. So if I am applying no contact with them, why am I the one in the wrong? Another mom, who is on my side and was also apart of the "blame" they give, says its wrong to not say hi and that her kids thinks it will affect their relationship with other the "bad" parents kids.

why can't i do no contact? i view them as the aggressors, but I am supposed to bow down to them socially?


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Bloomie

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Re: Social Interaction when trying to avoid?
« Reply #1 on: October 10, 2019, 01:17:08 PM »
nojoy_in_this - this is a stressful spot to be in. When our "life package" so to speak, requires we have actual face to face encounters with people we have been hurt by and would not choose to be social with it is a tough line to hold.

I have found it really helpful to keep my behavior choices based on what the purpose of the event I am attending is and then act in a neutral, civil, cool beige manner when I come face to face with those I am not comfortable socializing with.

A simple hello like you would give any other person on the planet in passing when you cannot avoid them is not giving anything over to anyone, but allowing the focus to be on your children's events and setting an example for how to handle tricky social exchanges with basic civility for your kids - because we all experience them and they will, too.

Keeping an atmosphere around your children of avoiding hurtful people when you can and civility when you cannot is not engaging or having contact or invalidating the hurt you are working through. It is handling a no win situation to the very best of your ability and with emotional maturity for the greater good imv.
"If you focus on the hurt, you will continue to suffer. If you focus on the lesson, you will continue to grow." Dr. Caroline Leaf

Bloomie 🌸

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Penny Lane

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Re: Social Interaction when trying to avoid?
« Reply #2 on: October 10, 2019, 01:30:05 PM »
I'm with Bloomie. To me, gray rock is the best way to go here. That means getting by with a minimal, boring amount of politeness and then moving on. Not because you owe them anything, but because this is the strategy that is the least likely to cause problems for you.

If you can reframe it in your head from "saying hi gives them my power" to "I can use my power to choose to say hi and be boring, that doesn't mean I've forgiven them" I think you'll be a lot happier in the long run.