master at manipulation.... giving gifts to others

[scapegoat/caregiver]

my NM is a master at manipulation.  and degrading me .     I have made a boundary to "never talk about money, gifts...things..." " taking some power away from her
I think this was also a form of degrading and humiliation.

well anyway.... she has called me 2 times since a big fight.
both times to get information on my daughter's schedule.. my daughter is apparently the only one she likes.
I have been calling her every 10 days or so to make sure she is well and healthy. that's it
she called again yesterday.....however,  she called my boyfriend instead of me... she has not initiated a call for months...I was with him at the time.  he did not answer.
several hours later she called me and I spoke to her..... low and behold she wanted to have info and lunch with my daughter. never asked about my son...he is apparently the next generation scapegoat.

my nm has a tendancy to overlook me.... or make sure I KNOW she is degrading me somehow.... example..
awhile ago in a diner.... she made sure I was watching...getting my attention and handed a waitress a $50 bill  with this smug "see what I can do"
attitude.... she did not know this girl... and she was staring at me during this event.

another BIG thing they do is give gifts / or favors  to someone ( could be random person).... knowing it is something I wanted or something they repeated promised to me..   making sure I know about it.   

am I reading into this too much..  I just do not feel comfortable having her talk to my boyfriend about things...favors for her....instead of calling me
I feel like I am the bottom of the totem pole and I think she is trying to make me feel this way.
   

[FromTheSwamp]

Both my parents love this tactic.  "See how even random people are more important to us than you!" 

I react as little as possible, but it does get to me. 

[Fiasco]

My BPDm has taken to demanding supply before she'll get me a gift. Basically I think she wants me to beg for it. We use a shared family gift registry so various grandparents, uncles etc have suggestions for every holiday. BPDm has taken to pretending when it's my birthday or mother's day that she can no longer understand this registry we've used for a decade and I must go over each item and tell her if it's for me or someone else (they're all labeled) and which thing do I want the most. When I refuse to play this game I generally get nothing. Fine.

There have been variations on this game where she'll send me endless messages about some thing or another that I repeatedly say thanks for offering but we can't use that. And then since I didn't want the useless gift I get nothing.

Interestingly when we used to actually visit her (thank God I put a stop to that) she used to play the same game with food. If I didn't supply her with a list of foods by brand and retailer and with which foods we wanted the most, and then discuss this list with her ad nauseum, wed arrive after a long day of travel with small children to find she had NO food in the house at all. Same game, different permutations.

[nanotech]

I've been there with the useless gift- managed to offend my sis in law by not accepting a gift we couldn't use.
My parents used to ask for gifts  back!  It was usually because a random person, or my sis in law ( she's married to GC) wanted them!

[scapegoat/caregiver]

its amazing how I read some of these posts and realize these NARC PARENTS have the same patters.

update... my daughter went to visit my NM ...my NM likes my daughter.. (one of the only people in the world)
well my daughter came home saying my NM was not well medically and I should check on her...( I do not believe this was flying monkey...I think It was just my daughter being caring and having empathy)
well anyway ..went to visit her today...first time in months seeing her...I have been getting help and telling her
"i'm not feeling well"  an excuse for not seeing her while I take a break to heal.

Par for the course...it happened again...!!!! while my boyfriend was outside doing her a favor ..working on her car....she spoke about something that was STOLEN out of her car.... 1/2 a fraction from accusing ME. (maybe i'm just paranoid now???)
told her I don't know anything about it...it probably got misplaced.....

Then we have the GIFT COMMENTS.... my boyfriend came back in ...to visit and my NM says..."would you like to have this item....?   maybe if you can not use it you can give it to one of your friends...."
well,  my boyfriend..(SMART) in front of HER gave it to ME!...yes,....  invisible ME ... her daughter...sitting RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER....  that could use the ITEM  !!!!!  WOW!!!.   she then said to him in front of INVISABLE ME .... " well, do you think she will actually USE IT???
( she was a 1/2 fraction away from saying "I WANT IT BACK NOW THAT I KNOW SHE WILL BE GETTING IT" )
im sitting right in front of her!!!  why not, ask me!!?   he said YES...gave me the item right in front of her...   

I'm waiting for the phone to ring .... my NM asking for it BACK!!!  im giving it a week.. I have never done anything but help these people
   

[Hazy111]

1.....  An old BPD girlfreind once bought me some special brush thing to tidy my apartment for my birthday. Strange gift,,,no ???? Then it went missing soon after and i saw it again in her apartment , She had bought it for herself

2.......  My father once expressed an interest in getting a Kindle for his 90th birthday. Hes a big reader. He doesnt have a computer though. My BPDcousin  asked my BPD sister what he would like.....My sister told him a Kindle......My sis took it home to download some books for him....Hes never seen it since.   4  years ago.

When i was in contact with him , i asked why doesnt he ask for it back? He mumbled some excuse....Now i know. He was reliant on her (she lived around the corner from him) for things to be done and narc supply basically....So the cunning fox he was...he didnt want to ruffle her feathers.....so a strategic defeat......for a longer term gain,

[GettingOOTF]

When I divorced my BPD ex he started sending gifts to my family members. He had next to nothing to do with them when we were married.

My family were totally taken in by this. One of my relatives came over to stay with me and wanted to see my ex while he was in town. I explained why I didn’t see him any more and wouldn’t have anything to do with him. I gave details of the things my ex did to me. My relative said “I just feel so bad for him, he sent us [gift]”. My ex is very manipulative and knew exactly what he was doing. And when I got upset I was the crazy, petty, unreasonable one because my ex was being so nice and thoughtful how could I possibly read anything negative into gift giving????

Gifts are totally used as a tool to manipulate others.

One year my father gave me two small books for Christmas. One was on a subject we were both interested in. I thought they were the most considerate and thoughtful gifts he’d ever given me. Well he spent the entire visit going on about how he got them at the local equivalent of the $1 store and he spent $xxx on each of my sisters. I didn’t care about the money, but it really soured the gifts for me. I have them away.

I think this behavior is very common in dysfunctional families.

[Fortuna]

My mom's gifts reflect how she feels about you at the time.

If she's doing the love bombing thing, trying to get back to normal after a firm boundary has been put into place it might be a nice gift, usually something she'd buy for herself but personalized to me, so if she liked a particular necklace I might receive it with my birthstone color. This was my last birthday gift after no longer allowing her any time alone with the kids.
If she is in the devaluing stage,  I will either get something I don't want or need that she liked,  probably the 'get the second one free' offer from the As Seen on Tv selections like a lotion applier for people who are too inflexible to put lotion on their back directly, a product she needed but I really, really didn't. Or I will get something vaguely related to hobby but in bad condition. One year she got me a knitting needle set. Half the needles were missing. Of the remaining, half the needles were bent.  Oh, and she didn't want to pay for shipping, so I got the gift 2 months late when she visited.

At this point I just keep telling her we don't want gifts. I don't get her gifts anymore. Send a card, that's it. I don't want to know her mind through her gifts to me.