Arbitrary rules again

[11JB68]

More arbitrary rules...around bedtime.
I get up at5:30 most days to go to work. UOCPDH has trouble sleeping so stays up late. Gets mad if I go to bed before him. Gets mad if I fall asleep on the couch waiting for him to be ready to go up.
But he falls asleep watching tv.
And last night he's ready for bed at9:30 and suddenly expects me to be ready too. When I act surprised he gets indignant "well, don't you think I'm tired??"
Ummmm....what about all the nights that I'm tired??

[Whiteheron]

What is it with the bedtimes? I used to be in bed by ten. stbx would berate me for " going to bed early", needing too much sleep, etc. I worked a regular work week, he could essentially set his own hours. Then suddenly stbx 'needed' to be in bed before ten and expected me to be ready and in bed, asleep before he came up to bed. Then I would get yelled at for taking my shower before bed, which was my 'allowed' shower time. The noise kept him awake, the shower made the bedroom too humid. I would need to find a new time to shower...except I wasn't allowed to shower in the morning.

So I was allowed to shower after I put the kids to bed (7-8pm). Then I would get dressed in my pj's, settle in and watch tv. Of course, now being warm, cozy, and relaxed, I would fall asleep in front of the tv. Every single night. This meant I was having an affair, because normal people don't fall asleep so easily unless they're up to something.   So I would be ordered to go to bed at 9. (which I gladly did, hoping like hell he wouldn't follow)

It became his new routine. Every night he would order me to "go get your shower", then some time later "go to bed." I wasn't allowed to have a choice. MIL actually commented on it a few times, and told her son that it wasn't normal for a wife to be told when to get a shower and when to go to bed. I can't remember his reply, but I do remember it was demeaning.

If he was tired from traveling overseas and wanted to go to bed early, he'd expect me to be tired and want to go to bed early too. He didn't understand that we were on different time schedules. Whatever he felt, I must feel the same or accommodate. I was not a separate human being. I was either just like him, or an object for him to control. He couldn't handle anything else.

[11JB68]

White Heron, I guess that's the key...not a separate person...
I'm sorry you've dealt with this also.

[Whatthehey]

Bed and night time was brutal.  I've developed difficulties falling asleep.  Or I would read myself to sleep.  And my stbxOCPDh needed an absolutely black out bedroom.  My phone with the screen in dark mode and barely lit was too bright for him.  I also couldn't face him in bed - even if in a king.  He would be up at 4 or 5 and upset that I wasn't awake.  I could never sleep in.  7am was sleeping in.

Then the nights where he come in and rage about something.  A light switch, door ajar, shade not down all the way, not enough pillows, you name it and he raged.  It was all my fault.  I should've have know that the 12 pillows he needed every night had be stacked correctly.  Sigh.  Now I sleep by myself - still have trouble falling asleep but it's getting better.

And I finally don't have to share the pillows!

[SparkStillLit]

This is why I think sleeping separate is divine.  H used to use going to bed super early as a pout. And then I was "disturbing him". Normally he went to bed insanely late, like 1am, and disrupted MY sleep coming in. If I had offended him in some manner, though, he'd turn in at 7:30 or 8:00 and pretend to be sleeping when I came in at 8:30-9:00. Games, all of it.
I LOVE going to bed when I want and not having disrupted sleep now!

[clara]

Oh, those so-called "rules" my uNPDex would make!  First it was one thing, then another, and the next week, yet a third.  Then he'd pretend he didn't know about the first two, as if I was making them up!  I think he figured if he had me jumping through enough hoops I wouldn't notice his bad behavior, and he was right.  And then when he'd reprimand me for breaking one of his rules, like I was some sort of child, he was clearly attempting to put me back in my place as his subordinate.  I didn't have the right to determine things for myself, that was for him to do and for me to obey.  I think what catches us off-guard is how these "rules" are often little things, so at the time they seem unremarkable (my exh's favorite was the temperature of his food--everything had to be warm or even cold, never hot, and often undercooked) but then they pile up one on another until you find you can never do anything right, which is the point. 

And yep, my exh had strict rules about his bedtime, which was sacred and I was to be quiet as a mouse while he was trying to sleep which would often be late into morning or early afternoon  (since he either didn't work so stayed up most of the night, or worked odd hours) but wouldn't think anything of being loud as he pleased while I tried to sleep, and I had a regular job.  But I couldn't dare say anything about it because then he'd get mad and next night he'd be even worse.   And he treated me like I was the child in the relationship!

[SquarePegs80]

Sleeping in separate bedrooms has kept me sane. I go to bed when I need to and wake when I need also. I do a lot of night time meditation now for my brain and I couldn't imagine doing it with PD husband in the same room.  We are physically separated in the same home and it has been going okay because he is in individual therapy, support groups, church for support and such. I will continue sleeping in separate quarters unless he causes me to completely move out which I am prepared for if need be.

[11JB68]

WTH... "I could never sleep in.  7am was sleeping in."
Yes, he wakes me up when HE decides it's time for me to get up, by whistling from the bottom of the stairs.

[11JB68]

Clara, yes, all of that. It's exhausting and demeaning. And I'm not allowed to make rules for him.

[Whiteheron]

WTH... "I could never sleep in.  7am was sleeping in."
Yes, he wakes me up when HE decides it's time for me to get up, by whistling from the bottom of the stairs.

Oh yes!
If I told him I was sick, or wanted to sleep in, he'd be making a ruckus downstairs at 6am. Or back and forth in the bedroom to the master bathroom. Or banging around in his closet. I would complain and he'd either say "I don't get to sleep in, so neither do you" or "I don't need that much sleep so you shouldn't either" I was always so very tired, I'd fall asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. He had a problem with that too. It meant I was up to something. Paranoid much?

Completely different story if he was sick or wanted to sleep in...