At hospital

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Amadahy

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At hospital
« on: October 13, 2019, 05:43:58 PM »
...with Nmom. She fell this morning and when I went to check this afternoon, she was in the floor of her bedroom unable to get up.

I feel everything you can imagine. 😢
Ring the bells that still can ring;
Forget your perfect offering.
There's a crack in everything ~~
That's how the Light gets in!

~~ Leonard Cohen

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xredshoesx

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Re: At hospital
« Reply #1 on: October 13, 2019, 06:00:12 PM »
sending you strength for what comes next.   

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SerenityCat

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Re: At hospital
« Reply #2 on: October 13, 2019, 09:32:35 PM »
 :hug: Best wishes sent your way.

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nanotech

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Re: At hospital
« Reply #3 on: October 13, 2019, 10:13:03 PM »
Hugs.
Keep strong and remember that although sheís hurt, you will need still to have your boundaries.
 Sheís in good hands with all the healthcare professionals.,
 Get some rest and food when you can. X

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Amadahy

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Re: At hospital
« Reply #4 on: October 14, 2019, 07:08:26 PM »
Thank you for well-wishes. New waves of grieving a relationship that cannot be threaten to suck me into ďfix itĒ mode. But, this really is beyond my ability to address. Nmom had fallen Sunday morning and I checked on her that day, about 7 hours after. She was dehydrated, has a UTI, and muscle  breakdown so she was admitted to hospital to make sure her kidneys could flush the excess protein.

I told ER doc that I would hope she could facilitate a three day stay, to meet nursing home criteria. Nmom could not walk yesterday. Today, she can walk w a walker and two people alongside. I expect the hospital will refer her for skilled care at a nursing home.

I am praying for a smooth and appropriate transition. I am mostly waiting, not going to get too much excited. One thing about how C-PTSD impacts me ó I literally donít have the reserves to dig in and try to manage stuff. Iím emotionally exhausted and that may not be a bad thing as this plays out.

Thanks again.
Ring the bells that still can ring;
Forget your perfect offering.
There's a crack in everything ~~
That's how the Light gets in!

~~ Leonard Cohen

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nanotech

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Re: At hospital
« Reply #5 on: October 14, 2019, 07:46:49 PM »
Keep going and keep focused on whatís happening day to day. there are  folk on here who have your back, remember.
Donít get roped into doing any aftercare. X :
Remember how to say no. Remember to nurture yourself.
Even with no PD, elderly parents are hard to look after at home, or on your own. With PD. you might as well forget about having or living your own life ever again. Harsh but true.
Make sure you get the nursing care you need for your mum. X

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looloo

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Re: At hospital
« Reply #6 on: October 15, 2019, 12:05:29 AM »
Sending best wishes for a smooth transition so that your mother gets the appropriate care, and that YOU are also able to step back a bit and care for yourself.
ďIf you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.Ē  Oscar Wilde.

"My actions are my true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand."  Thich Nhat Hanh

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WomanInterrupted

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Re: At hospital
« Reply #7 on: October 15, 2019, 02:05:34 AM »
I'm sending you my warmest and best wishes, and loaning you my titanium shark cage, to remind you that you're allowed to do NO work on your mom's behalf, or work behind the scenes with Team Authorities, to get your mom the care she needs, and by that I mean phone, computer or fax, only.  :ninja:

It can be done - I did it, and live to tell the tale.  :heythere:

The hospital's social worker is going to need your mom's financial details.  If your mom has a social worker, pass along numbers so the two can speak, but if not, you've got choices: 

1.  Go to your mom's and get all the information you can find about bank accounts balances, bonds, life insurance policies, other assets she may  have, stocks and annuities, if any, and present them to the social worker.

2.  Tell the hospital social worker you're not getting involved and you're sure she'll figure out something.

They will -  they just don't want to.  You're the easiest path to compliance.

The phrase that helped me when I was told there was no other way to do things was, "My mom can't be the only person in this city who has nobody to rely on.  I'm sure you'll figure out something."

What your mom did with her fall was give herself a pressure ulcer, which may or may not heal, depending on the severity of it.

Do you know the grade?  That will tell you a lot of information about where she's going to wind up.

UnNPD Ray's idiotic stunt (fall) got him a grade 4 pressure ulcer, nearly 4 years ago and it *still hasn't healed.*  It's NEVER going to heal, and all they can do is treat him for the continuing problems he has - an open sore, and a blood infection from the resulting muscle death.

If your mom's sore is anything other than a stage 1 or 2 (mild, will heal in a matter of days to a week) - stay out of it.  She can go to rehab for a couple of days, and go home - and you can lower contact.

However, it sounds serious - like Ray's - and will take *months* or possibly *the better part of a year* to heal - IF it heals and doesn't cause more problems.

Your mom is going to want to go home, no matter what - or move in with you.  :aaauuugh:

Tell the social workers NO, and if they want her to go to AL, she needs a competency test and/or psychiatric  evaluation.  :yes:

She can't go home - and she can't stay at yours.  The only option she has is a nursing home, based on her past mental health history - you'll be happy to find fax any copies of records you can find, but that's IT.

Her past history and a psychiatric exam may get her a diagnosis she needs to make her residence in an LA *mandatory* - or she may be declared incompetent, so she can be kept there.

That's what they did with Ray - they didn't even let him get re-hydrated and sent in the a shrink, knowing if they didn't act fast, he'd wind up being yet another statistic once he was sent home.  :(

Armed with that knowledge, and her records, they'll probably brainstorm HOW to get her declared and where to place her - which will be an AL, and probably *not* a psychiatric facility, since geriatric psych wings are few and far between.

Don't worry - they'll figure out how to manage her, through the wonders of medication.  That's what they did with Ray - they had enough of his *refusal to use the right words* and act ANGRY that nobody understood, or would take the TIME to understand or translate, which gave him the right to lash out and act badly, so they said he's *psychotic* - and from what I told them, he probably was, most of his adult life!  :aaauuugh:

So...please don't stress.  Right now, your mom is  in a SAFE environment.  Everybody wants to see her stay in one - and if you can provide help in the form of faxing and making phone calls, that's TERRIFIC - and it's also good enough.  :yes:

Knowing you're doing something to get her into an environment where she can't just leave might actually help your C-PTSD because you'll know where she is, at all times, and she won't be able to call, because she won't be allowed to have a phone if she's in a memory care unit.  :ninja:

Keep your eyes on the prize - getting her into an environment she can't leave and is cared for - and going NC.

You've GOT this, Amadahy!   :cheer: :cheer:

If you and Team Authorities are on the same page, you get them the information they need and give permission for the tests they need to run, it'll all come good.

Just don't let your mom know you're working with them.  Act surprised, if you talk to her.  "Oh gee."  Gosh that's something."  "Wow."  :ninja:

You can do this.  You WILL get through this.  I know it seems scary right now, and like some kind of monster - but it's really NOT.

Let Team Authorities sort most of it, and you'll find out the monster you feared isn't big or scary at all - but the part where you're letting them see your mom at her worst *can* be kind of scary, and yes, I understand, "Fix it!" all too well.

I used to tell that voice to be quiet quite often.   You don't WANT to fix this, even if you could.  It's time to let the train wreck from afar  and watch through binoculars.  It's best for OTHERS to see what  she's been hiding - and you've helped to hide, at times.

That stops now.  The curtains are drawn back, the sun is out and the light is shining in!   :sunny:

Your mom isn't going to like any of this, one bit - but this is what she's left herself with.  She doesn't have options.  She ran out of those while ago, and the FACT is she need to be professionally supervised and cared for, at all times.

 :hug:

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Amadahy

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Re: At hospital
« Reply #8 on: October 27, 2019, 10:55:17 PM »
Thank you so much for support, everyone!

A quick update .... the hospital was going to release mom after just two days back to an apartment that needed modifications and without extra services she will need. After I talked to the doctor, he agreed to up to the 20 days of nursing home rehab that Medicare covers. I hoped Nmom would decide for long term care placement after rehab. She is not yet demented enough to have others make this decision.

Of course, she has decided to return to her apartment. Sigh....

I have been very honest with her .... that I think she should stay there, that another episode could be fatal, that she absolutely would need all the help offered if she went home as I could not help.

I tossed and turned one whole night, worrying. I guess I wore myself out because I feel a sense of release. Her decision. I canít help it, so why worry?!

So, we will see .... I do not relish the idea of finding her fallen again, but it very well may happen.

She goes home Tuesday. 😔. The nursing home staff loves her. I really wish she would stay.



Ring the bells that still can ring;
Forget your perfect offering.
There's a crack in everything ~~
That's how the Light gets in!

~~ Leonard Cohen

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p123

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Re: At hospital
« Reply #9 on: October 28, 2019, 08:37:13 AM »
Thank you so much for support, everyone!

A quick update .... the hospital was going to release mom after just two days back to an apartment that needed modifications and without extra services she will need. After I talked to the doctor, he agreed to up to the 20 days of nursing home rehab that Medicare covers. I hoped Nmom would decide for long term care placement after rehab. She is not yet demented enough to have others make this decision.

Of course, she has decided to return to her apartment. Sigh....

I have been very honest with her .... that I think she should stay there, that another episode could be fatal, that she absolutely would need all the help offered if she went home as I could not help.

I tossed and turned one whole night, worrying. I guess I wore myself out because I feel a sense of release. Her decision. I canít help it, so why worry?!

So, we will see .... I do not relish the idea of finding her fallen again, but it very well may happen.

She goes home Tuesday. 😔. The nursing home staff loves her. I really wish she would stay.

Oh I had this once. Dad decided to decline the offer of staying in residential care for a few weeks. Told the hospital his sons would look after him at home. Even told them I'd probably move in for a few weeks. He hadn't even asked me!

When I pointed out I had work to go to that I dont get paid if I'm not there - his answer "they owe you days, dont they?". Yes they do - about 5 days which is used to limit the no pay while I go on hoildays with my family.

In the end, I said no I can't do at short notice anyway, he came home anyway. Think he thought I'd give him. Useless hospital discharge him anyway even though I told the, (this is the useless NHS in the uk). Day laters hes back in - they'd screwed up his cataract op.

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nanotech

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Re: At hospital
« Reply #10 on: October 28, 2019, 10:39:20 PM »
Iím sending you hugs and warm wishes. Concentrate on the things you can control, your own response and actions.

My dad wants to go for a medical procedure he doesnít need. It involves a 70 mile round trip and he wants me to drive him there and back. Itís in a  busy city and I havenít got a clue where the hospital is. Iím in my 60s and donít do that much driving these days. Certainly not city driving.
Iíve said no.
He doesnít need to examine the inside of his stomach every three months just to make sure heís not dying.
I suspect heís been lying to the doctors about his symptoms in order to get these extra tests.
Heís so cagey when I ask him about whether the tests are necessary or not. His answers often contradict each other.
 He does have some private insurance, and may be using this to pay for them.
And he seems to have control over whether to book in for them or not.  Heís deciding at present whether to go in for one this side of Christmas

All. Very. Odd.

Transport is laid on by the NHS -but he wonít accept it. It isnít posh enough and he has to rub shoulders with the riff -raff that are other patients.
He says heís just not travelling in an ambulance with other people.
Sometimes I have no idea what to think.
Heís 87.
Keep out of hospitals dad.
MRSA is much more of a threat.
« Last Edit: October 28, 2019, 10:44:49 PM by nanotech »

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p123

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Re: At hospital
« Reply #11 on: October 29, 2019, 06:42:13 AM »
Iím sending you hugs and warm wishes. Concentrate on the things you can control, your own response and actions.

My dad wants to go for a medical procedure he doesnít need. It involves a 70 mile round trip and he wants me to drive him there and back. Itís in a  busy city and I havenít got a clue where the hospital is. Iím in my 60s and donít do that much driving these days. Certainly not city driving.
Iíve said no.
He doesnít need to examine the inside of his stomach every three months just to make sure heís not dying.
I suspect heís been lying to the doctors about his symptoms in order to get these extra tests.
Heís so cagey when I ask him about whether the tests are necessary or not. His answers often contradict each other.
 He does have some private insurance, and may be using this to pay for them.
And he seems to have control over whether to book in for them or not.  Heís deciding at present whether to go in for one this side of Christmas

All. Very. Odd.

Transport is laid on by the NHS -but he wonít accept it. It isnít posh enough and he has to rub shoulders with the riff -raff that are other patients.
He says heís just not travelling in an ambulance with other people.
Sometimes I have no idea what to think.
Heís 87.
Keep out of hospitals dad.
MRSA is much more of a threat.

Nano - is that NHS patient transport? My Dad won't use it either. "Takes too long" apparently. i.e. they pick a few people up. "Get a taxi then Dad" (cost about £10). "Can't you take me?" (me in work 65 miles away that is). "No get a taxi". He moaned and moaned and moaned. In the end, got his poor cousin to take him and he got lumped into doing it EVERY time now. Thats me off the hook! But his cousin has already spoken to me and, in so many words,  voiced his displeasure.

Oh well, Dads happy as long as SOMEONE is running around for him....

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nanotech

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Re: At hospital
« Reply #12 on: October 29, 2019, 08:47:27 AM »
Yes it is P123 and he says the same thing- too long-because they have to pick others up and drop them off!
Itís actually longer than 70 miles for me because Iíd have to drive 30 miles to get to him and then 30 back, probably after Iíd stayed overnight with him because heís had an anaesthetic.
Younger sis has done it but she doesnít drive so it was a taxi. My dad has moaned a lot about the cost of this,  so I pointed out cheerfully how lucky he was to be able to afford it, other people were not that privileged. He had to accept that, albeit grudgingly.
Iíve had younger sis and GCNbrother try to guilt me into taking it over. They both live a couple of miles away from him.
If we all had strong boundaries then he would use the NHS service and probably enjoy chatting to other folk. Instead he wants to be the big I AM who arrives in style and comfort ( though he never likes the way the taxi drivers drive!).

Amadahy, I do hope your mum does decide to go for care soon. Please donít toss and turn any more at night. Youíre doing everything you can. You canít give up the rest of your life for your mum.

Iím sure this is also going to happen to me with my dad. Iím really going to try to be strong when it does. 
You need your sleep and your peace and your life.
They give us life, and then they donít want us to live them.   🙏🏻
« Last Edit: October 29, 2019, 08:52:26 AM by nanotech »

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p123

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Re: At hospital
« Reply #13 on: October 29, 2019, 10:38:31 AM »
Yes it is P123 and he says the same thing- too long-because they have to pick others up and drop them off!
Itís actually longer than 70 miles for me because Iíd have to drive 30 miles to get to him and then 30 back, probably after Iíd stayed overnight with him because heís had an anaesthetic.
Younger sis has done it but she doesnít drive so it was a taxi. My dad has moaned a lot about the cost of this,  so I pointed out cheerfully how lucky he was to be able to afford it, other people were not that privileged. He had to accept that, albeit grudgingly.
Iíve had younger sis and GCNbrother try to guilt me into taking it over. They both live a couple of miles away from him.
If we all had strong boundaries then he would use the NHS service and probably enjoy chatting to other folk. Instead he wants to be the big I AM who arrives in style and comfort ( though he never likes the way the taxi drivers drive!).

Amadahy, I do hope your mum does decide to go for care soon. Please donít toss and turn any more at night. Youíre doing everything you can. You canít give up the rest of your life for your mum.

Iím sure this is also going to happen to me with my dad. Iím really going to try to be strong when it does. 
You need your sleep and your peace and your life.
They give us life, and then they donít want us to live them.   🙏🏻

Honestly Dad has NEVER been in a taxi in his life. He refuses.
Same as you. Why should I drive miles when he could get a taxi for £10? Hes got loads in the bank.

Dunno why he doesn't see it. Its like my time and effort equals zero. I drive miles to save him £20. Irks when he could pay for a taxi for the whole town with the savings hes got.

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Fiasco

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Re: At hospital
« Reply #14 on: October 29, 2019, 07:22:01 PM »
Howís it going Amadahy?

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nanotech

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Re: At hospital
« Reply #15 on: October 29, 2019, 08:37:39 PM »
P123  I donít think itís fair that that your dad gets you to take him when thereís a service laid on.
My dad wasnít going to tell me there was free transport to the hospital. He keeps things from me to suit his aim. It isnít the first time heís done this.
Iím not like this. I would not want to feel that I had forced or tricked my kids into doing something for me. I would feel too bad about putting them out.

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p123

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Re: At hospital
« Reply #16 on: October 30, 2019, 10:04:06 AM »
P123  I donít think itís fair that that your dad gets you to take him when thereís a service laid on.
My dad wasnít going to tell me there was free transport to the hospital. He keeps things from me to suit his aim. It isnít the first time heís done this.
Iím not like this. I would not want to feel that I had forced or tricked my kids into doing something for me. I would feel too bad about putting them out.

That's very sneaky not telling you. My Dad would do that too if he could get away with it.

I suppose us normal people can't understand how you would ask someone to spend hours of they're time and drive miles just to save you a little time. In Dads case, patient transport took 30 mins longer. He sat there all day anyway!

Even more annoying is his built in idea that taxis are a waste of money and he refuses to get one! How much does he think petrol costs let alone time off work.

I do remember him once saying "I'll pay you for any lost income" - Im a self employed IT consultant. So I thought ummm Dad I'd have to pretty much take the whole day off. "OK £50 cover it?". Jeez what do you think? I'd get more than in Mcdonalds.....

Quite why paying me £50 is better than a taxi for £20 though I'll never know. Then again, if I booked a stretch limo to pick him up he'd still say he'd rather I picked him up - thats the point. Its more like a game to get me to do it.




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Amadahy

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Re: At hospital
« Reply #17 on: October 30, 2019, 03:55:04 PM »
So far, so good. No rage yet. 😊

Iím letting agencies and  others take care of most things. (GC sis: crickets ... I donít blame her.)

 I will do laundry periodically as Nmom has no facilities and I will get poa just because her budget is so tight one wrong move could mean lots of trouble that would worry me more than being poa.

Iím hoping all went well for her today at the adult daycare. Iím not too depleted, thanks to a great counselor, your counsel here and a sh*tload of healing work. :hug:
Ring the bells that still can ring;
Forget your perfect offering.
There's a crack in everything ~~
That's how the Light gets in!

~~ Leonard Cohen

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Fiasco

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Re: At hospital
« Reply #18 on: October 30, 2019, 04:37:15 PM »
Iím glad to hear it 😊

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practical

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Re: At hospital
« Reply #19 on: October 31, 2019, 05:02:38 PM »
 :bighug: Just catching up - you seem to handle it very well. Yes, one fall is going to be the one fall too many, it is what happened with F and so he finally ended up in an SNL. Whatever happens, remember the 3C's Rule. These are still her decisions, despite dementia she sounds competent and as if the decision to go back has more to do with her PD than anything else. All of this is emotionally exhausting and thereby indirectly physically exhausting, so please do take good care of yourself.  :kisscheek:
ďIf Iím not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Iím only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when?Ē (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)