How do I keep frustration out of my voice?

[MyLifeToo]

Grrrr. Trying to be assertive, but I know the frustration I'm feeling is affecting my voice. I'm probably coming over as patronising, I don't know. I just want to scream!

Whatever she says to me, it's her rewriting truth, or taking my words out of context. She's paranoid and thinks I just want to hurt her. She blames me for things rather than take any personal responsibility.

I'm off work next week. I told her I'd visit her from Monday to Saturday. I can think of things I'd rather be doing (obviously!) but I do care, and have sympathy for her situation, living alone, unable to go out.

An hour and a half on the phone tonight, I'm trying to get away, when she asked me what Im going to be doing at the weekend. I said I'd be going over to my sons on Sunday to give him a hand with his garden. He lives in a flat, has no tools, no room to store them...why the hell am I even justifying this? I want to see him, and I want a weekend doing my stuff. Last weekend I neglected to tell her I was visiting other ds, but unfortunately she found out and gave me grief for not telling her! You couldn't make it up!

After about half an hour she rings back, I've hurt her so much! I don't love her!  How could I possibly go to his place on Sunday because I can see ds any time. It just shows how selfish I am, how little I care about her! I reminded her I'm coming the next day for the whole week of my holidays, that I phone her for at least an hour every day, how does that show I don't love her? I say I wouldn't go until Monday, whether I see him or not. I'm so irritated by this stage she can hear it, and goes off at me even more.

She tries to bring up the past again, how I threw her out (ie asked her when she was going home after she'd stayed for six weeks with no sign of leaving). I told her that I am never ever having that twenty year old conversation again. It was supposed to be a boundary, but I was deeply frustrated. I would like to sound firm but gentle. Now I'm typing this I'm questioning my motives - do I want to sound kind and gentle because that's who I am, or to protect myself from her anger, or to protect her from mine?

life can be confusing 

[Zebrastriped]

MyLifeToo, wow, that's alot of parent visiting.

I'd go with less information is better, for you.  If she doesn't know about your other plans, its less likely she will be able to give you grief over them.

I found practicing Medium Chill responses out loud helpful.  Then, in a tough spot, they just rolled off my tongue.  It also took the emotion out of them as well.

Practical suggestions for getting off the phone with her - ring your own doorbell, the other phone is ringing, dogs tangled in something, pot boiling over.  You can see that my flight response is strong.  If that doesn't suit your personality or situation, no worries, its just what I do.

[Peace Lily]

Hi Mylifetoo,

it sounds like your mother will never be happy no matter how much time you devote to her in phone calls, visits and holidays spent with her. I agree with Zebrastriped that medium chill maybe be something you could practice to gradually achieve a healthy and well deserved distance and PEACE. Your mother sounds like a master guilt tripper, accusing you of throwing her out when she had seriously out stayed her welcome! Shocking! You seem very well aware of what she is doing and that for you her behaviour is unacceptable and unhealthy. You have therefore taken the first and most important step.

You are trying to set boundaries, but it is no easy task when you are having to do it EVERY DAY on the phone!! No wonder your frustration creeps into your voice. Maybe you could use some breathing techniques beforehand to calm yourself so you can better keep your cool. Perhaps set a time limit and gradually reduce it over time? Then reduce calls to every other day?

If you add up the hours, days, weeks, months and even years spent on the phone to your mother you would probably be shocked at how much time she is taking \ stealing away from you and your FOO.

My mother has never liked the phone as a means of communication, but I did have to set a boundary with the emails coming daily followed up with guilt inducing emails when a reply from me was not immediately forthcoming. I was glad I got her to back off (- told her i needed space to heal \ for counselling\ told her I'd contact her when I was ready - about a year later). I think it's very hard coming Out of the FOG and healing when your PD is right at your side undoing all your good work with their criticism\ belittling\victim playing and whatever else yours does.

I don't know if any of this is helpful, but know that you are not alone. This is so very hard 

[SunnyMeadow]

After about half an hour she rings back, I've hurt her so much! I don't love her!  How could I possibly go to his place on Sunday because I can see ds any time. It just shows how selfish I am, how little I care about her! I reminded her I'm coming the next day for the whole week of my holidays, that I phone her for at least an hour every day, how does that show I don't love her? I say I wouldn't go until Monday, whether I see him or not. I'm so irritated by this stage she can hear it, and goes off at me even more.
She tries to bring up the past again, how I threw her out (ie asked her when she was going home after she'd stayed for six weeks with no sign of leaving). I told her that I am never ever having that twenty year old conversation again.

I feel for you. I've been in this exact spot, in fact I just typed a reply that my mom did similar things when she wasn't getting enough attention. I started getting angry at these tactics she would use. I felt like she was being a bratty child and I'd let it show in my reaction. Then when she knew I was angry and getting disgusted, she'd flip the script to how hard of a life she had and just wanted to be with me. That made me angry too. I started using medium chill techniques and told her very little. She didn't have as much ammunition that way.

If I were you I wouldn't hide my anger. Another thing I did was tell myself "I'M A FULLY GROWN WOMAN AND I DON'T DESERVE THIS TREATMENT". I'm in my 50's, I wouldn't let any other person treat me like this, why am I letting her do it? So I'd start getting off the phone and cutting visits short. I don't want to listen to another fully grown woman go on and on like a toddler simply for narcissistic supply.

I ended up going No Contact for a while and that was really helpful. She knew I was finally serious. She's behaving for now, I know it won't last. I'm prepared to tell her to stick it again because this is my only life, I can't keep going through the stress of her bullsh*t. She's not that great that she is more important my health. To be honest, my mom is manipulative, mean and only cares about herself.

Now I do the bare minimum because I have a deep guilt over dumping my mother. I guess I'm don't feel I've had enough drama, stress and anger from her. It's a challenge. All that to say protect yourself, your health and your life. As far as I know, this is all we get. You have the power to make your life better. Sounds like reducing contact would be beneficial to you, just like it is to me. 

I agree with Zebrastriped, that is a LOT of visiting. For your sake and sanity, please reduce this. Wean her off you and your family. Hopefully she'll move on to someone else. Do not feel guilty about visiting your son or anyone else for that matter. The people who make you happy and that you have a nice, easy relationships with are the ones you should bring into your life. Less her and more them!

[MyLifeToo]

Thank you for the advice. In the past I tried cutting down on calls and visits but her increased stress levels got to me and I felt it wasn't worth the extra aggro. I hoped she would find someone else to give her narc supply, but I honestly think there is nobody left who will fall for it! Almost everyone she knew has died, the rest she's dropped for not being good enough. I don't think I have it in me to go nc. I almost wish she'd do or say something so bad that I could feel justified in doing so.

I not very good at mc, and end up defending myself. She's so bloody clever with words and arguing. I try to walk away, or don't respond, but she manages to get a response out of me. Intellectually I can see it's my inner child that's responding to her, and I know I need to work on that.

How would you respond to this scenario?  They built some assisted living apartments a few miles from here. I thought they would be ideal for her in her situation. initially she showed a bit of interest, but then all sorts of minor arguments ensued and eventually she said no way would she move there. Then the builders had an incentive scheme, a shopping voucher if you went to look around. I told her, she said that I might as well go and get a voucher, even though she wasn't moving. So I did, and I sent her lots of photos and we talked about them. Now, a few months later she denies that we ever had the conversation and that I never let her look round them, and by the way, she should have had that voucher, not me, even though I actually bought her depletion with half the value! I try to remind her that we discussed it, but she insists she would remember if we had... At this point I stop talking but she doesn't, and she belittles me for going silent on her. Is there anything i could say or do? Or do I just give up in exasperation?

Reading back this all seems so very petty, I'm embarrassed to post it. It's just one of many little things that drip drip drip until there is a stalagmite of frustration and grief that she's not the mother I thought I had.

[Adrianna]

She truly may not have remembered or she could have been gaslighting you. That's when someone rewrites history and makes you doubt your own reality. Nana used that on me before. It's one of the worst forms of emotional abuse, because it makes you think you're losing it when you're not.  Narcissists are famous for this.  Had a boss who did it too and let's just say I left that job pretty quick when I figured it out.  Also had a friend who tried to pull that on me and we are not friends anymore.

Visiting your mom Monday through Saturday is way too much. And daily hour long phone calls?!?! I know you've been trained to think that's what you should do and that's a normal level of attention to give but IT'S NOT. That is above and beyond any call of duty to her. I talked to Nana every day for like 15 years and that's time I can't get back. I didn't want to talk to her every day. I did it because if I didn't then she's make me feel guilty. I usually dreaded picking up that phone to call her because she was draining.  For so long she made me believe it was my job to make her happy and bonus, according to her, I was doing a lousy job at it! It was NEVER our job to make the pd person happy. That's on them. Took me years to accept that.

I went from every day calls to every other day to every three or four days. You can do it. She won't like it, but they always find another source of narc supply. Always. It could be the repairman, the neighbor, the doctor, a long lost extended family member, anyone who will listen. It's not your job to put your life on hold for her. Nana is 97! They can live a long time. I spent so many years catering to her and you know what, it was never enough. I found out recently she's been telling people for years, before I had even set boundaries, that I didn't do enough for her. She would say this to strangers. Repairmen. Neighbors. All to make me look like an asshole and make herself look like a neglected, poor old lady in need of MORE attention.

It's all about attention as you know. Narc supply. Fuel. They need it like air.

We are here to tell you you're not a bad person for wanting to limit time with your draining mother. You have to care about yourself, which so many of us were trained NOT to do. I'm just recently learning that my feelings are valid, I actually do matter, and I don't need to seek love from people who can't give it. We need to learn to love ourselves which sounds cliche but it's such a profound, deep concept that is crucial to our healing from the emotional abuse we have endured.

[Peace Lily]

Hi Mylifetoo, it's me again!

I have read your reply and my heart goes out to you. This is so painful and I think that when the PD is your parent it is so much harder to deal with. For a start we met them as a tiny  vulnerable infant and they moulded our personality into one to serve them (whether that be a scapegoat on whom to vent their anger or a co dependent "yes man"). Secondly, society has strong moral values when it comes to child parent relationships and there is the sense your parents gave up a lot for you and you owe it to them to takecare of them in their old age.(IMO it's the other way round -they chose to have children and from that moment it was their responsibility to look after us). Finally there  is the emotional side of things - we love them or at least think we do (trauma bonding) and unlike in a chosen relationship, we don't ever get a second chance at a relationship with a new set of parents!

Whatever you do, it will never be enough! Your mother will bleed you dry if you let her and you will always feel guilty! I understand that when you start to set boundaries the guilt intensifies to unbearable proportions and there have been lots of Posts on this forum about that which really helped me when I went temporarily NC. I was able to see this was a normal reaction for somone like me, that it was because my mother had made me feel that way all my life for wanting Even any attention, and that the intense feelings would pass eventually - they did. Feelings don't kill you although sometimes it feels like they might!

Your situation is different, all our situations are different, and whilst my parents have driven almost everyone away they do still have each other so I know they are ok. I don't know what it will be like if my M is left on her own! You have to do what's right for you at the resent moment and maybe you are not strong enough yet.

BTW there is no need to feel embarrassed and the gaslighting you describe is not petty that is serious ABUSE - classic PD behaviour. I am so glad it is not working on you and that you are holding onto your reality!

Keep posting, we are all here to support you 

[p123]

Wow an hour every day on the phone and a visit EVERY day when you're off work......
I think I'd go nuts if I had to speak to my Dad that often.

But been there with the more visits thing. Visit once a fortnight and he wants a visit every week, visit more and he wants more. If I dont visit he wants to know what I'm doing instead - as if I have to justify my time. I still then get "oh I thought you'd have had time to visit this weekend". He even once said "ah ok, I don't mind you going on holidays". What? Im not asking permission.

And dont get me started on what we can the "10 mile exclusion zone". If I admit I've been within 10 miles of his house I HAVE TO visit. No matter how much time I have! I've got to "pop in". So now I don't tell him.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Hi Mylifetoo - What you describe are things I have experienced also, even your title "how to keep the frustration out of my voice." I feel like my emotions boil up, then stop right in my throat. When I talk all I hear is this shaky little voice coming out, and I get so embarrassed because I know I am revealing that they have gotten to me when all I wanted is to be calm and confident.  My NPD relatives amp it up further when that happens and shame me saying "listen to how ridiculous your voice sounds right now."  It is upsetting, and not to be minimized because we are indeed dealing with something very difficult. 

You mention that your mother's increased stress levels get to you and it is not worth the aggravation, so you back down on your boundaries. In doing so, I wonder if you then shift the stress from her onto yourself. With NPD individuals, such efforts tend to never resolve because the underlying issues are not coming from you but are rather due to something that resides within them. It can keep you going in circles as if plugging holes in a sinking boat in a rainstorm. You also mention you feel it is petty stuff and the drip-drip-drip just accumulates. I think that is also quite typical of NPD behavior. Any one event might not be bad in itself, but in context of a lifetime pattern of repeated slights, digs, demands, and devaluing behaviors it is overwhelming. 

I agree with others who have posted. I also think one thing you have working in your favor is a sense of awareness of what the NPD behaviors are, and how it is impacting you. It may be difficult to develop a boundary and to keep maintaining it, but once you start you may find it easier as time goes on. I do not believe any of us owe it to our parent to sacrifice our own well being, and we are not responsible for our parent's emotional status. 

[Fortuna]

Some days Medium Chill feels more like keeping a lid on five alarm chili. I rarely talk to my mom on the phone anymore. It always goes badly. Last time I thought it had it handled so I answered the phone and after calmly stating the problem that led her to call I got an earful as she argued that a 3 or 4 day visit mean 72 to 96 hours so it's perfectly fine that she booked a flight without confirming it with me that has her staying 4 nights and 5 days. The calculated twisting of the logic was aggravating, and after a few minutes I'm pretty sure my frustration was plain in my voice. It only got worse as she cycled down into name calling and saying horrible things about what she thinks I thought of her. I didn't even think to end the conversation after she started to be cruel until my daughter came home and I realized it wasn't something I wanted her listening to. 
After that new boundary, no talking on the phone with her. All calls to voice mail. (Also realized that NC is likely the best option and am moving towards that now)

I'm horrible at this, but remember that you have the power to do things like hang up the phone, say you have something you need to do and leave, or if she is in your home you can tell her to leave. Since I have issues remembering I can hang up, I don't answer now.

[p123]

I normally call Dad on my mobile (cell) driving home from work. Number of times his crap has wound me up so much I just cut him off.

Punch the steering wheel for a minute, take some deep breaths for a few minutes and call him back and say "oh sorry bad signal".

Half the time hes moved on the next item on the "crap agenda".

Must happen every other phone call....

[nanotech]

I have boundaries now ;
No evening calls ( I get sleepy dad)
No negative vibes.
If he's too negative,I point it out.
I don't JADE. Ever.
I don't fall into ' child mode' in voice or attitude.
( I once heard a recording of a voicemail I was leaving him- on this particular system you could hear it back and do it again if needed)  and I realised with horror how  child -like and apologetic  i sounded! I  had no conscious awareness that I did this!  (57 years old)
I re-recorded that voicemail to sound more assertive and full grown! My goodness!

I shut down any complaints and waifing.
I mute my sympathy and offer instead a positive perspective on the complaint. He usually then changes the subject.
I deflect any nosy questions.
I'm unresponsive to hinted demands.
I still see the hints but I just don't take the bait.
They stop being powerful then, for some reason. Now they tend to have very little effect on me, instead of instilling guilt I just note them, move forward.
It takes time, and they REALLY rev up their game for a while. it can get nasty and they try different things to get you pulled back into the insanity.
Just use grey rock and medium chill. 

Then -they settle, because they have to. Because we actually hold all the cards. It's an illusion that they do. And it's  a free country after all.  We can do what we darn well want with our time.