Abuser reverses roles and plays the victim

[Poison Ivy]

The last time I saw my former father-in-law (I was still married to his son at the time) was Thanksgiving 2009.  He was very rude to me, in front of my husband and our two teenage children. My distress was exacerbated because my husband didn't step in to protect or defend me even though he witnessed the behavior and acknowledged later that his dad had been rude. 

I wrote a letter to my FIL and asked for an apology.  He did not respond (and thus obviously didn't apologize).  But my husband (eventually ex-husband) told me a few times over the years that his dad thought I was the one who owed an apology.  For what? I'm not sure, but I'm guessing that he thought I was in the wrong because I called him out on his bad behavior and I stopped visiting.  That is, I had the nerve to not suck up his mistreatment and I had the nerve to put up a boundary.

[footprint]

This is such an important topic. Like many of you, I have endured incredible abuse from NPD parents and brothers, only to see the entire treatment projected back to me and told to others that I am the abusive one. I think it's easier for outsiders to believe them since I'm on my own and the scapegoat. Some of the abuses have been enormous—like when I was in a major car crash (numerous injuries, including 3 skull fractures) and none of them came to the hospital when called...only to later depict me as an unthankful person after I'd put them on the spot about the fact that nobody came. I have so many other examples, that's just one.

I look forward to hearing how others are managing this matter. It is very much connected to gaslighting, projection, and scapegoating.

footprint