does she actually think she can USE my boyfreind but treat me like #$%@

scapegoat/caregiver · October 16, 2019, 06:45:18 AM

It occurred to me that she would like to string my boyfriend along to punish me and devalue me as well as USE him.
I had a big fight with NM who is now a widow.
I always thought most of the problems were my NF--who definitely had many problems---placed things/money above people/ used people. has my NARC GC sister who has been coddled and has a lot of disorders, herself. I hung in there thinking maybe...just maybe... my mom would be a normal mom after he passed. NOOOOO actually I think she is worse. I think she may have been the one behind all the things he did to me. Like a person sending a mean dog onto a victim.

Anyway. after the fight..she has been even more openly cold and dismissive. however, the 2 visits I have had to her home I took my boyfriend with me.
she gives him gifts. sweet to him. princess charming all the way. (I don't think she likes him..in her mind I am sure she is thinking of how she can use him in the future and what she needs him for) this is what she did to me a few years ago....she was cold dismissive....then when her heart surgery was being planned all of a sudden i'm drawn back into the picture to help her... until she didn't need me then back to cold

But I think she is giving him extra attention now..... also reaching out to my daughter...she never did that before.... she is still ignoring my son tho
Although I must say if it wasn't for me all these years having the family together for events I don't believe my parents would have done anything to keep in contact with them, (children)

In my NM eyes everyone else has to contact her...if they don't it never occurs to her to call them...she just blames them for not calling and keeping in contact with her.

Well, she is calling my boyfriend.... giving him gifts in front of me.... making sure I know about the attention....talking about me as if I am not in the room.... asking HIM to take her to the doctor.....

what the %@#$ is going on????

Andeza · October 16, 2019, 11:15:42 AM

My mom tried this with my husband. Problem for her is that he's too smart for her blatant manipulation. At first, she used this favorable treatment of him, turning him into the new golden child, to try to win him over, because apparently there's a war and everyone needs to be on her side or some such nonsense. Later, when she realized he would not play her games, she turned around and tried to scapegoat him. She blames him for my lc now.

Blueberry Pancakes · October 16, 2019, 11:59:56 AM

It seems as though what might be going on is that your mom is testing out your boyfriend as a new potential source of supply to see how much she can use him to meet her own needs. It sounds like love bombing or grooming and trying to assess how she can use this new person. It also gives me a very weird feeling that she might (not sure) be competing with you to get his attention. Narcissistic women often compete with other females for the attention of men, even if it is your mother. She may not want him as a partner, but just wants his attention and will flaunt it in front of you to show you how superior she is. I am just guessing and of course you would know more about her nature than I.

StayWithMe · October 16, 2019, 01:24:23 PM

It's called triangulation. It took me a long time to fully identify and articulate. Now, I am all for keeping people separate. Is there a reason why you bring your bf around your Mother?

Adrianna · October 16, 2019, 07:41:49 PM

Quote from: Blueberry Pancakes on October 16, 2019, 11:59:56 AM
It seems as though what might be going on is that your mom is testing out your boyfriend as a new potential source of supply to see how much she can use him to meet her own needs. It sounds like love bombing or grooming and trying to assess how she can use this new person. It also gives me a very weird feeling that she might (not sure) be competing with you to get his attention. Narcissistic women often compete with other females for the attention of men, even if it is your mother. She may not want him as a partner, but just wants his attention and will flaunt it in front of you to show you how superior she is. I am just guessing and of course you would know more about her nature than I.

This is what I was thinking too.

Happypants · October 17, 2019, 04:05:20 AM

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It absolutely screams triangulation to me, having witnessed a more subtle version of this myself.

With regards to your son, is it possible he is savvy to her motives, or more likely to call her out on her behaviour? Perhaps she knows he would see through her and doesn't bother trying? This divide-and-conquer approach is very much about having as many onside as possible and the goal being isolation of the scapegoat. I don't have any advice to give, but i can really sympathise with you.

scapegoat/caregiver · October 17, 2019, 05:51:45 AM

All of you are so smart. OMG This all makes sense now. THANK YOU
and I think she is getting worse my NF passed 6 months ago and is no longer around to control and partner with to pick on me.
always thought is was mostly him. now I know it was mostly her.. Who knows??!!

But you are so very right....she has asked my boyfriend to take her to the doctor instead of me..(after NM and I had a big fight about making promises but not keeping them-see other posts )
my gut is telling me to have my boyfriend get out of the family thing.... he only helps because he is a good person trying to help me
which she senses and wants to exploit . TRIANGULATION COMPETITION JEALOUSY .
I think she maybe triangulation my two children too.... she has always been jealous of how good of a mom I am and how close we are.
My GCSis is extremely jealous as well another problem...but I went NC with her a few years ago

I am actually shaking I'm so upset.... the picture is so much more clear now...pieces of the puzzle being put in place one at a time.
I'm worried she will do this to my children... any suggestions on how to stop this from happening to my family??
she is calling my daughter direct...giving her gifts.. princess charming her...I know it is all fake, but my daughter doesn't

Aingeal · October 18, 2019, 12:41:12 PM

I'm sorry for your loss. My NF passed away 3 years ago and my NPDm ramped up her antics. I always thought it was my NF too and instead of NPDm changing for the better, she got worse - MUCH worse.

I

Beware the phoney nice act around your boyfriend - I went through that too. I agree with the other posters - it's a combination of competition for attention and triangulation. My NPDm reminded me of one of those old fading actresses when she turned on the charm around the boyfriend.... It was rather sad and pathetic really. Remember that NPD mother's enjoy destroying families - marriages - relationships of any kind. Putting a wedge between you and your children or her grandchildren pitted against each other because one is favored over the other will bring a narcissist boundless joy if successful. It's all about control and narcissistic supply.

Don't worry..... Her mask will slip. She can't keep up the nicey nice act for very long....especially the older a narcissist gets. Your son may already see through her act rendering him useless to her evil plans......

Kris Godinez has some fantastic videos on YouTube about toxic parents .... She grew up in a toxic family. And is a licensed professional counselor (She's my free therapist because I can't afford one now).

Adria · October 19, 2019, 09:42:18 AM

I wouldn't bring your boyfriend around your mother.

My father did this to me with my first husband. Dad would walk in my house and always say Hi to my husband and not me, and other similar things like if we went out for breakfast, he would only talk to my dh and make eye contact with him and ice me out of the conversation, and it only grew worse over time. Until, my first husband could lie, cheat on me, abuse me anyway he wanted with dear father looking the other way and even excusing him while scapegoating me. As time went on, it turned into abuse by proxy.

It's a divide and conquer edict and it broke up my marriage as I was always left out and made out to be in the wrong purposely. When I remarried, I saw my father starting it once again with my new husband. Thankfully, after I explained what happened with my first marriage, my new husband could see what was being done and agreed with me. We moved far away before too much damage could be done.

This is blatant manipulation and it will be used to hurt you slowly and subtly, at first most likely with your boyfriend not seeing what is being done, and how she is twisting him and using him to get to you, leave you out and hurt you, and take her side. But, later on she can use money to keep him on her side, and then it escalates from there. Don't give her an in. You will end up on the wrong side of the fence.

scapegoat/caregiver · October 20, 2019, 06:16:19 AM

thanks to all you very smart people for helping me sort this out!!!!
1) I asked my boyfriend what he thinks...he said "she is definitely ..not right" I asked if he would step aside. He agreed no problem. in the recent past after my NM and I had a fight... she sent HIS son a check for $100 saying..."it's his graduation gift"...never answered the phone when the boy called to thank her.... I think this was to suck my boyfriend in to use for something....
this is SOOOO mind blowing for me.... I thought she would be better after my NF passed...... soo much worse!

I am VERY worried about my daughter..... MY Nm is now focused on HER...... wanting her to go out for lunch.... calling to see when she will be coming in from college...my daughter is 1 1/2 hours away (thank goodness) but my NM told her to live nearby after she graduates.... should I say
anything to my daughter????
My daughter may be getting used as a FM ....came back from lunch with my NM asking "when is our thanksgiving dinner?? and who will you be inviting???" getting prepared for triangulation with my daughter....smearing....

My Nm does not call my son...new scapegoat? I do not want my NM in my home.... nothing!! I'm shaking ... so upset..
I went from "I don't think she even loves me!!?" to " I think she HATES me!!" how can a mom hate their daughter??

Aingeal · October 23, 2019, 09:36:09 AM

How can a mother hate her own daughter? I've actually researched this because it was so hard to wrap my head around this (Another shout out to Kris Godinez on YouTube - she explains this perfectly). Your NPD mom hates you because she's full of hate and self loathing for herself. She hates HERSELF. NPD mothers see their children as extensions of themselves and they hate their children because they despise themselves. It has nothing to do with you. You didn't cause this, there is nothing you can do to change this. It's part of your NPD mother's disorder. NPD parents will treat strangers better than their own children. (I was the dutiful daughter who did everything for her NPD mother and was treated like dirt time and time again).

IMO (and I don't have children) I would tell your daughter about NPDm for safety reasons. Remember when you knew in your gut that something just wasn't right with Mom or Dad but you didn't have a name (NPD)for it? You blamed yourself for things because Mom/Dad would NEVER do that (insert anything/abuse/smear/ harm they caused you)

You used to think Mom or Dad have my best interest at heart.... except now you know they never did. And also remember making excuses for them, the constant denials of the truth because parents don't put their children in harms way on purpose. Parents don't pitt their own children against each other - If there are problems with my brothers and sisters then it MUST be me.... then I must have caused it. Always feeling off balance, the confusion you felt around Mom/Dad and later the heartbreak at learning the NPD truth. You were scapegoated, smeared, used and betrayed by the person/or people you thought you could trust out of ANYONE in this world....

Coming Out of the FOG was one of the worst and best things that ever happened to me. I don't trust my own mother- THANK GOD!! Or I'd probably be dead by now. Too many stories of her intentional recklessness and putting me, sibs and others in danger to mention here.

Trust your gut. I think you should tell both your children to save them pain later. What if Grandma ramps up the special treatment of your daughter and your son begins resenting his sister, hating his grandma and sadly even questioning his own self worth. These NPD's can really do a job on you. They are insidious.

It doesn't take much for a narcissist to wear you down and wear you out. They do it with lies causing discord within an otherwise harmonious family. Always stirring up trouble for their own amusement. They're emotional vampires and they can knock down your self esteem in a New York minute.... BUT.... If you know the Narcissists pathetic game plan - it makes all the difference in the world. You know what to expect. You can grey rock, you can lower contact you can handle whatever they throw at you because it's always the same - with EVERY narcissist. They all seem to do the same thing. Same exact behaviors.

Like Grandma using your daughter for Thanksgiving dinner info - WATCH OUT. Narcisissts LOVE to ruin someone elses good time/fun holiday. or birthday or bridal shower, or any even event they're invited to.
Grandma may be ramping up to ruin your holiday if she's invited or not (woe is me + smear campaign)

My NPDm ruins every holiday:

- Passive aggressive remarks
- Flat out insults
- Trying to make any holiday (Even Christ's birthday) about HER
- Constant antics
- Being a Pain in the @$$ - but more so than usual - added pouting and whining when not admired, center of attention and being constantly catered to.
- Turning family members into her servants/entertainment committee and targets for her nastiness.

Oh, yeah, the fun never stops when you invite my NPDmom to a party. If she succeeds in making you and everyone else miserable then she'll stay till the cows come home because she enjoys other peoples misery. Sorry to turn this response into a novel, I just thought you might let daughter know that she should take everything NPDm says with a grain of salt or run everything by you/communicate everything NPD greandma tells her to you as a safe sounding board to keep her and the family out of any chaos grandma may be brewing up. But, again, I don't have children so maybe other posters would have a better feel for this situation (my NPDmom holiday disaster stories are real BTW).

Seven · October 23, 2019, 05:55:07 PM

@aingeal
Can you link the specific Godinez video? I watch her, but not sure I've seen the one you're referring to.

Also, you have just summed up my whole life in better words than I ever could. She does not love her daughters (4) and the sons do no wrong (3), but still belittles them as well. Our entire lives she would tell us "you are a reflection of me". Like literally...verbatim...comes right out of her mouth. It was said and not implied.

Friends and strangers are treated better than her own kids as a whole though. Kids make a suggestion...she blows it off. Friend suggests the same thing...it's gospel.

There's so much more.

Haven't seen or spoken to her in over a month.

Adrianna · October 23, 2019, 06:12:12 PM

Quote from: Aingeal on October 23, 2019, 09:36:09 AM

How can a mother hate her own daughter? I've actually researched this because it was so hard to wrap my head around this (Another shout out to Kris Godinez on YouTube - she explains this perfectly). Your NPD mom hates you because she's full of hate and self loathing for herself. She hates HERSELF. NPD mothers see their children as extensions of themselves and they hate their children because they despise themselves. It has nothing to do with you. You didn't cause this, there is nothing you can do to change this. It's part of your NPD mother's disorder. NPD parents will treat strangers better than their own children. (I was the dutiful daughter who did everything for her NPD mother and was treated like dirt time and time again).

IMO (and I don't have children) I would tell your daughter about NPDm for safety reasons. Remember when you knew in your gut that something just wasn't right with Mom or Dad but you didn't have a name (NPD)for it? You blamed yourself for things because Mom/Dad would NEVER do that (insert anything/abuse/smear/ harm they caused you)

You used to think Mom or Dad have my best interest at heart.... except now you know they never did. And also remember making excuses for them, the constant denials of the truth because parents don't put their children in harms way on purpose. Parents don't pitt their own children against each other - If there are problems with my brothers and sisters then it MUST be me.... then I must have caused it. Always feeling off balance, the confusion you felt around Mom/Dad and later the heartbreak at learning the NPD truth. You were scapegoated, smeared, used and betrayed by the person/or people you thought you could trust out of ANYONE in this world....

Coming Out of the FOG was one of the worst and best things that ever happened to me. I don't trust my own mother- THANK GOD!! Or I'd probably be dead by now. Too many stories of her intentional recklessness and putting me, sibs and others in danger to mention here.

Trust your gut. I think you should tell both your children to save them pain later. What if Grandma ramps up the special treatment of your daughter and your son begins resenting his sister, hating his grandma and sadly even questioning his own self worth. These NPD's can really do a job on you. They are insidious.

It doesn't take much for a narcissist to wear you down and wear you out. They do it with lies causing discord within an otherwise harmonious family. Always stirring up trouble for their own amusement. They're emotional vampires and they can knock down your self esteem in a New York minute.... BUT.... If you know the Narcissists pathetic game plan - it makes all the difference in the world. You know what to expect. You can grey rock, you can lower contact you can handle whatever they throw at you because it's always the same - with EVERY narcissist. They all seem to do the same thing. Same exact behaviors.

Like Grandma using your daughter for Thanksgiving dinner info - WATCH OUT. Narcisissts LOVE to ruin someone elses good time/fun holiday. or birthday or bridal shower, or any even event they're invited to.
Grandma may be ramping up to ruin your holiday if she's invited or not (woe is me + smear campaign)

My NPDm ruins every holiday:

- Passive aggressive remarks
- Flat out insults
- Trying to make any holiday (Even Christ's birthday) about HER
- Constant antics
- Being a Pain in the @$$ - but more so than usual - added pouting and whining when not admired, center of attention and being constantly catered to.
- Turning family members into her servants/entertainment committee and targets for her nastiness.

Oh, yeah, the fun never stops when you invite my NPDmom to a party. If she succeeds in making you and everyone else miserable then she'll stay till the cows come home because she enjoys other peoples misery. Sorry to turn this response into a novel, I just thought you might let daughter know that she should take everything NPDm says with a grain of salt or run everything by you/communicate everything NPD greandma tells her to you as a safe sounding board to keep her and the family out of any chaos grandma may be brewing up. But, again, I don't have children so maybe other posters would have a better feel for this situation (my NPDmom holiday disaster stories are real BTW).

I can tell you've done a lot of work learning about npd. I have too. I am now digging into borderline personality disorder, which isn't uncommon in women with npd, and it's making the picture even more clear.