Do your elderly NPD parents keep talking about your inheritance?

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p123

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Re: Do your elderly NPD parents keep talking about your inheritance?
« Reply #20 on: October 24, 2019, 06:27:26 AM »
Just an update on UK wills. Iíve been reading up and yes,  I think you CAN have one executor. So what I wrote before, that you have to have two, was misleading.
Itís what my parents told me, Iím sure it was.
I was made executor when I was in favour with them. They donít trust older Nsis and younger sis shuns anything like this.
 I fell out of favour with them a few years later ( I upset the golden child- long story but I was used as a flying monkey then thrown under the bus by my mum) so I may have been removed as executor.
I hope I have been. Itís going to be a nightmare.
Iíve been thinking, and I might just ask him to remove me.
Soon after I got the news about being executor I had NSIS tell me that I would have to fight Nbrother (who is selfish), and that the pressure will be on ME to make sure my two sisters get their money!
 I actually donít want that responsibility!
I think I may be getting set up to be the scapegoat of any mistakes made.
Any advice gratefully received!

Hmm. But you can have 2? Im betting Dad has listed both of us. I know what hes like - everything has got to be equal.

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FlowerPot

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Re: Do your elderly NPD parents keep talking about your inheritance?
« Reply #21 on: October 24, 2019, 07:58:03 AM »
Just an update on UK wills. Iíve been reading up and yes,  I think you CAN have one executor. So what I wrote before, that you have to have two, was misleading.
Itís what my parents told me, Iím sure it was.


You can certainly only have one in the UK - I was the sole executrix of mother's will. Made it soooooo much simpler, no-one to disagree with me and I could ask who I wanted for advice. If there are more executors to a will then one or more can "reserve rights" ie let the others carry on but can take over if needed - often used if people live a long way away or are unwell etc etc.
If the situation is complex then can help to have more than one, just so there is some "oversight" - when uncle died with no will and no spouse or kids, a cousin and I handled the estate for 9 beneficiaries - it really helped for us to discuss matters like "is it OK to pay £700 for house clearance" and "what shall I do with the stamp collection - auction / ebay ? " - we just wanted to make sensible decisions that we could defend if any of the distant rellies didn't agree. Really helped that we got on with each other though and had the same ethos - lets sort this properly and speedily as we can (reduced our costs from time off work and travelling etc etc )

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p123

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Re: Do your elderly NPD parents keep talking about your inheritance?
« Reply #22 on: October 24, 2019, 09:28:44 AM »
Just an update on UK wills. Iíve been reading up and yes,  I think you CAN have one executor. So what I wrote before, that you have to have two, was misleading.
Itís what my parents told me, Iím sure it was.


You can certainly only have one in the UK - I was the sole executrix of mother's will. Made it soooooo much simpler, no-one to disagree with me and I could ask who I wanted for advice. If there are more executors to a will then one or more can "reserve rights" ie let the others carry on but can take over if needed - often used if people live a long way away or are unwell etc etc.
If the situation is complex then can help to have more than one, just so there is some "oversight" - when uncle died with no will and no spouse or kids, a cousin and I handled the estate for 9 beneficiaries - it really helped for us to discuss matters like "is it OK to pay £700 for house clearance" and "what shall I do with the stamp collection - auction / ebay ? " - we just wanted to make sensible decisions that we could defend if any of the distant rellies didn't agree. Really helped that we got on with each other though and had the same ethos - lets sort this properly and speedily as we can (reduced our costs from time off work and travelling etc etc )

So if theres two and they disagree? I can see that happening. My brother is far from "the sharpest tool in the shed".

Like I said, he WANTS Dad flat and will think he can have it all. Won't care or bother to understand how the law works....

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nanotech

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Re: Do your elderly NPD parents keep talking about your inheritance?
« Reply #23 on: October 24, 2019, 01:41:12 PM »
Thanks flowerpot for posting your own experiences.
Thatís been a good help!
P123 weíve added  all three of our kids down as executors of our own will.

From what Iíve read executors have to agree on every decision. I think that you can ask a solicitor to act for you in your capacity as executor, or assist you in the process.  You could find out about that.
(I might do this).
 It could be a way of putting a bit of legal space between you and your bro? Once another party is involved, the power behind dysfunctional patterns of behaviour gets weakened.

I think you may need to know whether you are one or not -but itís tricky asking these things! Wouldnít know how to advise on that.
 
If your brother has told you that he plans to move into dadís  flat after heís passed, and you havenít said anything to the contrary on  that, then thereís a possibility heís taking your reticence as tacit agreement.

Itís just something my Nsiblings would do.  :roll: :roll:

ď But I TOLD you and you never said anything!Ē 🥵
« Last Edit: October 24, 2019, 01:50:02 PM by nanotech »

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p123

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Re: Do your elderly NPD parents keep talking about your inheritance?
« Reply #24 on: October 25, 2019, 06:46:14 AM »
Thanks flowerpot for posting your own experiences.
Thatís been a good help!
P123 weíve added  all three of our kids down as executors of our own will.

From what Iíve read executors have to agree on every decision. I think that you can ask a solicitor to act for you in your capacity as executor, or assist you in the process.  You could find out about that.
(I might do this).
 It could be a way of putting a bit of legal space between you and your bro? Once another party is involved, the power behind dysfunctional patterns of behaviour gets weakened.

I think you may need to know whether you are one or not -but itís tricky asking these things! Wouldnít know how to advise on that.
 
If your brother has told you that he plans to move into dadís  flat after heís passed, and you havenít said anything to the contrary on  that, then thereís a possibility heís taking your reticence as tacit agreement.

Itís just something my Nsiblings would do.  :roll: :roll:

ď But I TOLD you and you never said anything!Ē 🥵

Well hes mentioned it to Dad a few times....  I did say to Dad its not that simple but he ignored me.

I've seen it 100 times with brother. He'll take something thats not his, then moan all over facebook when someone asks for it back.

He did it to me years ago. His car was being repossessed. I helped him out with sorting things out - made a payment of £200 for him. I was not flush at the time. He promised to pay me back. A year later when I  saw on facebook he was down the pub every day and still hadnt paid me back even though I asked him. Then I got nasty.

Then he posted all over facebook how mean I was to him, all he wanted was a little help because families do that, and I was not acting properly. Great, eh?

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nanotech

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Re: Do your elderly NPD parents keep talking about your inheritance?
« Reply #25 on: October 25, 2019, 10:30:50 PM »
OMG. Just like my Nsis.

 The trouble is, they only want the family help to go one way- toward them of course.

Their cause is the only cause.

Their sense of entitlement makes them act all indignant and hurt when you dare (eventually) to try to hold them to their promises.
Doing it publicly too, is an attempt to Ďshameí us for even asking.
Shaming is a biggie in narcissistic thinking. Itís one of their aces.
Iíve helped my Nsis out financially many times. There was then a time when I needed  some help (I lost a job through no fault of my own, that I fought tooth and nail to keep and at that time was the main breadwinner) and she was financially very flush, but she wasnít there for me.
In fact, she sent an email to her daughter positively revelling in my misfortune, talking about Ďkarmaí , about how sheíll ďbe clapping her hands when Nano gets whatís coming to herĒ.
 
Itís soooo lovely when your sister ill wishes you.    :'(
( she sent the email to me by mistake. BIG mistake! )

At the time I was so used to all the help and support being so one -sided,that  it didnít even occur to me to ask her for anything.

Later still, she was financially down after spendaholicking a lot, and  asked me for a lot of financial help.
I was back in work by then, hubby too, and after a few shaky years we were okay once more.
She did this part publicly on a group chat, meaning to shame me into it.
That didnít work and Iím not on fb with her any more. Since then Iíve been mentally and physically healthier.
I said no. She tried to taunt me, then I blocked her.
They donít change.
All you can change are your responses and your reactions to them.
I stopped giving money.
This is something you have control of. Your money, your time, your decision to accommodate his territorial boasting so ( the ĎIím having the flat come what mayí statement). 
State your truth to him. If I were you I would not let that statement sit unchallenged.
Telling him that Ď the flat will belong to both of usí is a start.
The fact that youíve already  got a house isnít relevant. You will own half of the flat! He can make the decision to move in. You can make the decision to fight that and force the sale of it.
You canít just hand him thousands of pounds that belong to you.
Heís assuming entitlement to your property just like that!
You might really need it one day. Life is unpredictable at the best of times. At the worst of times, itís downright nasty.

« Last Edit: October 25, 2019, 10:32:25 PM by nanotech »

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MyLifeToo

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Re: Do your elderly NPD parents keep talking about your inheritance?
« Reply #26 on: October 27, 2019, 09:07:31 AM »
A few years back, when I was deep in the FOG and didn't have a clue about NPD, I told my updM that I would look after her when she was old. My circumstances have changed. I've seen the light and told her that I can't have her in my home when she needs care. I realised she would take over my life if I let her.

Anyway, there have been many occasions since when she told me she was going to write me out if her will. I say that's fine, it's her money, she can do what she likes with it. I even called her out on using that as a threat to manipulate me, and she actually agreed  :aaauuugh:

Since then, during a calmer interlude, she told me she changed her will so that I will get half and my children share the other half. That was ok by me. I'm not motivated by money, great for my children.

Light bulb moment ... It's another tool in her guilt box! Such a shame if she has to go into care, all the money will go. She knows I don't care, but now I'm going to be depriving my kids of their inheritance! And I'm left wondering if she knew exactly what she was doing when she changed her will.   :wacko:

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D.Dan

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Re: Do your elderly NPD parents keep talking about your inheritance?
« Reply #27 on: October 27, 2019, 12:27:44 PM »
Mine is a little funny. My uPDmom likes to talk about setting up an inheritance for me, my 3 siblings and all 8 grandchildren. Except she has nothing.

What she will most likely leave behind is about $100 000 in debt to the government. :aaauuugh: Maybe more by the time she passes, she's only 56 and very healthy considering her lifestyle. Luckily me and my siblings won't be forced to take it on!

But that's it, that's our inheritance. And she expects us to be grateful for it right now!

She also talks about a tax free savings account that she had to put $5 into to open it, and that's where our inheritance will be! We get a portion of nothing from $5! Woohoo!  :yes: :doh: :rofl:

Also, she seems to be trying to convince us that, this imaginary inheritance will cover the care she'll need(demands) from any/all of us currently and as she gets older! .....rrriiiggghhhtttt......  :roll:
« Last Edit: October 27, 2019, 12:35:35 PM by D.Dan »

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DreamingofQuiet

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Re: Do your elderly NPD parents keep talking about your inheritance?
« Reply #28 on: October 27, 2019, 08:00:40 PM »
They used to all the time but haven't lately. Maybe they've cut me out, lol.

It has been used for coercive purposes. The craziest was a couple years ago when my mother threatened to disinherit my brother if he didn't get the flu shot. It was particularly virulent that year, and my hermitish unBPD mother had us all contracting it and dying in her mind.

She's made comments to the effect that my brother and I will be wealthy when they die. But then, when my mother was threatening to leave my father, they were all of a sudden near destitution, and there was no way they could afford to live separately. 😒 Erm, ok. Maybe they'd have had to cut back on some niceties, yes, but they'd hardly have been homeless.

But it's not rational. My mother's condition causes her to bend the truth to fit her mental narrative. I can't trust her, and she'll never understand why.

DoQ

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nanotech

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Re: Do your elderly NPD parents keep talking about your inheritance?
« Reply #29 on: October 28, 2019, 10:33:39 PM »
Bending the truth to suit their own narrative - yes, itís such a favourite weapon of choice for them!!

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p123

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Re: Do your elderly NPD parents keep talking about your inheritance?
« Reply #30 on: October 29, 2019, 06:38:03 AM »
They used to all the time but haven't lately. Maybe they've cut me out, lol.

It has been used for coercive purposes. The craziest was a couple years ago when my mother threatened to disinherit my brother if he didn't get the flu shot. It was particularly virulent that year, and my hermitish unBPD mother had us all contracting it and dying in her mind.

She's made comments to the effect that my brother and I will be wealthy when they die. But then, when my mother was threatening to leave my father, they were all of a sudden near destitution, and there was no way they could afford to live separately. 😒 Erm, ok. Maybe they'd have had to cut back on some niceties, yes, but they'd hardly have been homeless.

But it's not rational. My mother's condition causes her to bend the truth to fit her mental narrative. I can't trust her, and she'll never understand why.

DoQ

OMG thats awful. My Dad does the same - thinks he  can decide what I should and shouldn't do with regards to health.

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DreamingofQuiet

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Re: Do your elderly NPD parents keep talking about your inheritance?
« Reply #31 on: October 29, 2019, 04:01:55 PM »
Nanotech, yep, it's the truth unfortunately. I think with my mom, and many PDs, it boils down to survival. The ends justify the means because they always feel like their backs are against the wall. Everything is high stakes. In the words of my former students, my unBPDm has "zero chill."

P123,

I appreciate your feedback. Sometimes I don't know what to think. When crazy enmeshment is all you've ever known, it's not always apparent that your family is going off the rails. I tell other people things, and they're like, "What the...?"

What's sadly funny and points up the irrationality of her threat is that if he got the flu and died from it, he wouldn't get an inheritance anyway.  :stars:

I'm sorry your father also feels entitled to dictate what you do/don't do regarding your health. It's all part of the enmeshment and lack of boundaries. In my mother's case, she feels that that means she cares about us. The fact that I'm not lying awake at night worrying about HER health choices means, to her, that I don't care. Ay yi yi. The PD idea of relating is exhausting! I think that's a big part of why I tend to isolate. I expect human interaction to be engulfing and exhausting, despite years and years of evidence to the contrary. The defensive wiring is very strong.

-DoQ-

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p123

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Re: Do your elderly NPD parents keep talking about your inheritance?
« Reply #32 on: October 30, 2019, 09:58:05 AM »
Nanotech, yep, it's the truth unfortunately. I think with my mom, and many PDs, it boils down to survival. The ends justify the means because they always feel like their backs are against the wall. Everything is high stakes. In the words of my former students, my unBPDm has "zero chill."

P123,

I appreciate your feedback. Sometimes I don't know what to think. When crazy enmeshment is all you've ever known, it's not always apparent that your family is going off the rails. I tell other people things, and they're like, "What the...?"

What's sadly funny and points up the irrationality of her threat is that if he got the flu and died from it, he wouldn't get an inheritance anyway.  :stars:

I'm sorry your father also feels entitled to dictate what you do/don't do regarding your health. It's all part of the enmeshment and lack of boundaries. In my mother's case, she feels that that means she cares about us. The fact that I'm not lying awake at night worrying about HER health choices means, to her, that I don't care. Ay yi yi. The PD idea of relating is exhausting! I think that's a big part of why I tend to isolate. I expect human interaction to be engulfing and exhausting, despite years and years of evidence to the contrary. The defensive wiring is very strong.

-DoQ-

With Dad its all super stressed with him. This is is what causes him to think of no-one but himself.

If hes ill, hes convinced its serious. If I don't visit, hes no going to be able to cope.
If I go on holidays, I'm going to get kidnapped or mugged. If I've got a cold, I'm going to end up in hospital.
Even really "silly" things are 100% stress stress stress. His TV doesn't work - its the end of the world. His gas service picks up a slight leak, engineer coming back to fix no big deal, his house is going to explode.

Of course, when I tell him the issues I've got, his attitude is thats well and good but nothing is as bad as what hes facing..... Weird.

Not helped by his very strange attitudes to things. He gets ideas about the way things work or should work and everyone needs to listen to him. And again not helped by the fact that his head is stuck in the 1950s, hes completely clueless about modern life. And he can't understand why not everyone thinks like he does.

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nanotech

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Re: Do your elderly NPD parents keep talking about your inheritance?
« Reply #33 on: October 30, 2019, 07:58:09 PM »
Nanotech, yep, it's the truth unfortunately. I think with my mom, and many PDs, it boils down to survival. The ends justify the means because they always feel like their backs are against the wall. Everything is high stakes. In the words of my former students, my unBPDm has "zero chill."

P123,

I appreciate your feedback. Sometimes I don't know what to think. When crazy enmeshment is all you've ever known, it's not always apparent that your family is going off the rails. I tell other people things, and they're like, "What the...?"

What's sadly funny and points up the irrationality of her threat is that if he got the flu and died from it, he wouldn't get an inheritance anyway.  :stars:

I'm sorry your father also feels entitled to dictate what you do/don't do regarding your health. It's all part of the enmeshment and lack of boundaries. In my mother's case, she feels that that means she cares about us. The fact that I'm not lying awake at night worrying about HER health choices means, to her, that I don't care. Ay yi yi. The PD idea of relating is exhausting! I think that's a big part of why I tend to isolate. I expect human interaction to be engulfing and exhausting, despite years and years of evidence to the contrary. The defensive wiring is very strong.

-DoQ-

With Dad its all super stressed with him. This is is what causes him to think of no-one but himself.

If hes ill, hes convinced its serious. If I don't visit, hes no going to be able to cope.
If I go on holidays, I'm going to get kidnapped or mugged. If I've got a cold, I'm going to end up in hospital.
Even really "silly" things are 100% stress stress stress. His TV doesn't work - its the end of the world. His gas service picks up a slight leak, engineer coming back to fix no big deal, his house is going to explode.

Of course, when I tell him the issues I've got, his attitude is thats well and good but nothing is as bad as what hes facing..... Weird.

Not helped by his very strange attitudes to things. He gets ideas about the way things work or should work and everyone needs to listen to him. And again not helped by the fact that his head is stuck in the 1950s, hes completely clueless about modern life. And he can't understand why not everyone thinks like he does.
This is my childhood! Everything is dangerous! Every tiny setback is probably going to end in complete drama and terrible tragedy!
Iíve been left with hyper- vigilance,  anxiety,  and OCD  (relating to keeping others safe) that Iíve had treatment for, but is still work in progress.
One of my ways to reduce /manage it, is VLC or VVLC  with my FOO.
« Last Edit: October 30, 2019, 08:00:01 PM by nanotech »

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ingenting

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Re: Do your elderly NPD parents keep talking about your inheritance?
« Reply #34 on: November 13, 2019, 08:05:13 PM »
Yes PDgran does this a lot. If I don't answer her calls or do whatever she wants, she threatens to leave me nothing.

Fine with me!  :roll:

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gladtobehere

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Re: Do your elderly NPD parents keep talking about your inheritance?
« Reply #35 on: December 11, 2019, 02:53:22 PM »
I've been going throught this for years. I have a GC dBPD and narcissitic sister whose entire life revolves around the inheritence from our NM (who has also suffered several strokes and has dementia).

The current version of the will has sister getting half the money outright. My half goes into a trust and when I die, the trust goes to her sister. My situation will be "Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" while sister will be free to use the money as she wishes. This is b/c I do not have children. I have a career and a solid life - have made mistakes here and there in life but I'm a good person and always tried to do the right thing for my mom. But sister is vindictive and sick and basically would love nothing more than for me to suffer a painful death.

It's a 7-figure estate and so not something you easily walk away from. But working on it.

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Peace Lily

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Re: Do your elderly NPD parents keep talking about your inheritance?
« Reply #36 on: December 26, 2019, 12:55:59 PM »
I have experience of this with my grandfather's will. My advice based on my experience is that you cannot trust a word of what is said to you about the subject and it would never be a good idea to rely on what you are promised by a PD person. My grandfather with whom I got on well and who is now over 30 years deceased originally told his only child, my mother that she would be executor of his will. Later he told my sister that she would be his sole executor. She is my mother's scapegoat but my grandfather's favourite. My sister told me to prepare for the proverbial to hit the fan when he died. It did, but not in the way she thought. Without warning, my grandfather had made me his executor and had not told a anyone, not even me. My mother and sister both were hurt at being cast aside. I was thrust into the middle of warring BPD mother and scapegoat sister!! It may be of reassurance to those of you looking ahead to this moment that as executor, you cannot change, modify it bend the will to suit anyone - this is not legal. your own will is best written by a solicitor under your instruction, as if it is not watertight, then possibly it could be miss interpreted (intentionally or not).My mother did not accept I could not change the will in her favour - she wanted my sister's inheritance as well as her own ( generous one). I was frozen out of the family as I did not  (could not ) comply!). Over 30 Christmasses ago now, I was not allowed to spend Christmas with my parents - I have only spent 2 with them since in all that time ( since 1992). My sister was not close at t be time either and so I was with friends who felt sorry for me.

I did not come much Out of the FOG then, but I did wake up to the fact that  my Mum views money as power. She used it to bribe (carrot) and threaten ( as a stick). I have vowed since then to financially independent! My mother has only mentioned her will once a few months after my grandfather died - she tore it up right in front of me!  Over this alone, my mother gave me SEVEN years of silent treatment ... and strangely I have been feeling really bad that they are old and alone this Christmas....

In spite of everything, I still cannot be sure I have not been left anything? And what about my Dad, the "yes man" did he go along and cut me out of here will too?. Who knows - I just know I can only really rely on myself!
"It is not the the bruises on the body that hurt. It is the wounds of the heart and the scars on the mind". Aisha Mirza

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Sunflower_Rising

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Re: Do your elderly NPD parents keep talking about your inheritance?
« Reply #37 on: December 26, 2019, 01:44:21 PM »
Yeah, my dad kept saying how I'd get extra money for being the trustee. Like that's why I was doing it - it was insulting. My mom groomed me to do that job because she knew my brothers and sister would fight over whatever was left and I'd be the only fair, sane one.

She was right, I am the only sane one ... which is why they can stuff it. I'm not gonna do it, and I'd be okay with getting disowned because then I won't have to be involved at all. I was willing for years, but the abuse just got to be too much. I've gone NC and have an appointment with the lawyer in a couple weeks to revoke everything and change my trust, too.

The scapegoat just bit back.  8-)

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Adrianna

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Re: Do your elderly NPD parents keep talking about your inheritance?
« Reply #38 on: December 28, 2019, 09:19:52 AM »
Inheritances by pd family members are built on sand. They love to use money as control. They could pull the rug out from under you for any perceived slight, boundary set or if you request to be treated like an actual human being by them.

Looking back I put up with waaaaay too much emotional abuse because I didnít want to lose her house, which was in a life estate for me. Itís the only inheritance I will likely get since my father will probably end up in nursing home and is good with them getting his money (which is totally fine, his choice.) I didnít know all those years though she couldnít take me off the deed without my signature. I know that now. I am now in therapy to process the trauma I went through with her. I had power all those years and didnít even know it.

Found out within the last two years she called my father and told him she wanted to take me off the house and put him back on. Not surprising. He told her it was too late since she was old. He hadnít seen her in person in probably 5 years and barely spoke to her while I was running down every weekend taking her out to lunch and catering to her. Yet I still wasnít performing as expected so to punish me she wanted to take away my inheritance, although Iíd been her primary source of support for close to 20 years.

Itís truly sick if you think about it. So sorry for anyone else who has had to deal with such issues. We are better off expecting nothing from them and gaining our freedom. Freedom from abuse and control, our self respect,  is priceless!

Practice an attitude of gratitude.

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NIKond800e

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Re: Do your elderly NPD parents keep talking about your inheritance?
« Reply #39 on: December 29, 2019, 06:38:30 AM »
My Mother has said in her will that I will only get any inheritance if I have divorced my wife and am homeless on the streets.
I believe this is called a conditional inheritance. She has left everything else to my two daughters.
Needless to say I have been no contact now for about a year with them all. My daughters are falling over themselves to help her, she is 85 soon.
« Last Edit: December 29, 2019, 06:46:30 AM by NIKond800e »