DH Not Protecting my DD from Bad Guy

[1footouttadefog]

Dina-Shore,

I missed the negative attack posts.  However I am sorry to read that you were attacked directly and moderators had to step in. 

I get that you went beyond your fears and what consequences you faced and did what was best.  I am sorry others may have implies otherwise.

There was a time years back when things were bad here. No had to walk a narrow fence with eggs balanced on it.  My spouses brain chemistry was deteriorating badly.  Anger management was nonexistent and he was prone to violent outbursts.  And all this from a man who was gentle and cheerful all the time previously.  I respected who I knew him to be enough to want medical intervention for him before leaving him. 
In the interum, then, there were those who disrespected that I stayed and walked the balance beam for so long.  But I assured them I was keeping the kids safety a priority.  Things are stable but not a good marriage by any means, but I am somewhat content to finish parenting then see what is next. 
I have friends who think I need to leave and have fun dating etc.  It's possible to feel alone both inside and outside the church.  Lol


I get that it's not easy.  I also get that others who have had to leave can be triggered reading another's story of staying or staying for now.  I must confess I read in the parenting sections here because I get disturbed by what I read their.  Perhaps because I realize things were close to me needing to leave and I don't like being reminded of that feeling.

I hope you can find as much peace and self care as possible at this time so you can proceed with clarity and strength. 

You are being there for your kids and they will know the difference.  They will recognize your efforts.  Mine totally get what happened and why.  I think that my being honest and up front with them and empowering them has made them stronger and less likely to put up with such in their own relationships. 

My college student mentions in phone calls home, interactions between her schoolmates and their roommates with seeming wisdom about how this or that person is being narcissistic or selfish, and recognizes red flags in others' behaviours.  She is greatful for a likeminded roommate with similar core values.

Stay strong this is not easy.

[Rose1]

Its sad you are not being validated in real life. The issues are serious and the rug sweeping by your h and others is not only bad for your dd and the perpetrator but totally unscriptural.
I wont add much more but have a good look at the life of Abigail and see what God really thinks about men who do not care for their families. Also what the bible says about a man's responsibility toward his wife and children, so important that their prayers are hindered if they ignore it.

Its easy to pick only half the story and run with it, totally forgetting the responsibility that comes with it, especially if it is the culture. I would be concerned that the perpetrator has done this before or since and knows he wont be touched. Its not going to end well for him and the responsibility partly lies with the men who know but condone instead of acting like good role models.

Remember,, Sarah respected Abraham but God also told Abraham to listen to his wife.
The bible teaches respect and consideration for women and children. Its people who choose to ignore it and they do not have God's approval. A situation I would not like to be in as a man who is rug sweeping sexual assault.

You are totally correct in seeing the issues here and their seriousness.

[Dinah-sore]

Thank you all so much. <3 This is all so confusing to me. Please don't apologize, you guys didn't upset me (it was just one comment that I felt crossed a line). You helped me. You helped me see the seriousness of the situation. I needed that and I still need it, as the cycle of abuse has shifted in the last two days back to the "honeymoon period." Except not in my heart, just in his actions. He is now asking if I need things from the store or trying to touch me kindly. It should make me feel good, but it makes my skin crawl. I wrote an update in a new post, but yeah, I am still quite a mess.

Bloomie, thank you for all of that information. <3

Thank you so much Rose1 for the mention of Abigail. I think it was from God. I spent hours reading it and looking it up in commentaries. One commentator that my church loves said that Abigail was a bad wife to Nabal because she did not submit to him, she went behind his back, she acted without his permission, she insulted her husband to David, and then she made herself available for sex to David (taking this phrase to mean she wanted to have sex with David-- "And when the Lord your God has brought my lord success, remember your servant.") I was so upset to read such a horrible exegesis from a Bible teacher who gets invited to speak at my church!!!! But I didn't give up with that commentary, I went to good old Matthew Henry and read the PRAISES of Abigails wisdom, discretion, discernment, bold action, heroic choice to save her family, etc. And I read of how horrible Nabal was, how he was a fool, endangering his family, putting their lives in danger, how he was abusive. It was great. Thank God for Matthew Henry!!!! But seriously, that time spend studying was very helpful for me. It was an example of a woman not submitting to her husband and THAT being the RIGHT thing to do. Thank you so much.

As far as the domestic abuse hotline, is it okay to call them for situations like this? I thought they were only for physical battery and stuff like that. Does this qualify?

I might still want to talk to someone because I am not okay yet, and I still don't trust my DH. I feel like this pattern is just something that keeps repeating in our marriage. It will soon be another scenario, but the same issues and same problems and same dysfunction.

[Poison Ivy]

Yes, it is okay to call a domestic abuse hotline for situations like yours.  I have a few friends who have received valuable assistance from such resources for emotional and financial abuse.

[Penny Lane]

 

You are absolutely in an appropriate situation to call a domestic abuse hotline.

I actually read somewhere that domestic abuse hotlines work hard to combat that kind of attitude - that many of the exact people who could call (like yourself) don't think they would qualify. They WANT you to call. Even if you aren't sure if it's abuse or not, you can call, if anything they can help you figure it out.