I feel like I gave up a piece of me

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marilyn13

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I feel like I gave up a piece of me
« on: October 29, 2019, 01:38:40 PM »
I feel like I gave up a piece of me this morning.
I moved to WA for her, after a year of long distance. I found us an apartment, gave up my  job, all of my friends, to be  with her. She's in the army, so I had to choose somewhere near the base. This made it so that I had very few options.
She moved everything into the apartment with me.
Three months after we were living together, she ended a fight by putting a knife up to her wrist and telling me that 'she would do it if I wanted her to'. She started making fun of me when I didn't want to be intimate with her. Telling me 'I could never keep up' and  I'm 'a prude'. I asked her to stop. She decided that I wasn't having sex with her because I was cheating on her (even though I spent every moment with her when I wasn't at work). Our relationship became very co-dependent. We tried going to  couples therapy, I asked her to move  out. She did.

I broke up with her in August.
I told her I still  loved her at the beginning of  October.
I texted her this morning, after talking to her every  single day  since she left for training, that I can't do  it again.
I love her but I can't  do it again.

As much as I want to be with her,
as much as I'm holding onto the idea of 'us'
i can't  go through the emotional roller coaster again. I don't want to pull a knife out of any ones hands ever again.
I don't want to worry about anyone's safety.

I've been crying all morning. I so desperately wanted her to be my one. I gave up everything for her.
But I can't  give up myself again.
I know I made the right decision
But  it still feels so wrong

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Penny Lane

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Re: I feel like I gave up a piece of me
« Reply #1 on: November 01, 2019, 05:03:24 PM »
I'm sorry you're going through this. You are not alone.

 :bighug:

It's so hard. I know. But I truly believe that her absence from your life will leave room for others who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.