Seriously losing my mind

[Peacedog]

So I am divorced but rent from my un-diagnosed borderline ex.  Where we live it is cost prohibitive and would put me outside my daughter's current school district to live on my own...we live in an affluent area and I am only a teacher so I could not afford a home/apartment and child support. So to some degree I am trapped.  My daughter is 13 and in 5 years she will be off to college and then I will at least be 50% free until she marries.  I have made some inroads with regards to her mother in terms of daily interaction and I feel that my forcing the divorce let her know that I was drawing a line on some level, but she has slowly slipped back into her borderline behavior and now I find myself facing the same kind of aggressive manipulation as before, only now I have seceded my rights to the house in the divorce, have only 1/3 of the money I received for it in the agreement and honestly no family or friends near by and am starting to feel like a hostage in open sight.  I am tougher than nails and have managed through 20 years of this but don't know if I can make the final 5 without cracking or having a break down or something.  I just don't know how to deal with someone who absolutely will not give an inch.  I have honestly never met anyone like this before and I chose to have a child with her long before I realized what was really going on....i feel so stupid for myself and responsible for my daughter as this is what she has to live with by no choice.  She lets me know she understands mom sees thing in a different way but I cannot do much other than try to lead by example in hopes eventually she will find her own way to light.  I just feel lost....my nails are rusting...not so tough anymore.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome Peacedog! I am sorry you had to find us and I am glad you did.

Being in a relationship with a PD sometimes lets us feel like we have been trough the wringer and leaves us depressed, feeling worthless, and hopeless. This can be a turning point when we start working on us, begin to strengthen our defenses, search for support and change our behaviour towards the PD person in our life.

Have you checked out the TOOLBOX tab? What helped me most was to inform myself on PDs and to apply some of the strategies from the toolbox.

[Penny Lane]

Hi Peacedog,
It sounds like you are going through a lot right now. Welcome. I want to point you to our emergency links - I hope you look at them and maybe call a hotline that fits your situation.

I just want to say. You are incredibly strong to have survived what you did. But your current situation allows your ex to do her best to try to destroy your mental health once again.

I don't think it's sustainable for you to stay in this situation. I understand you have logistical obstacles to moving out, and I don't want to downplay that. Those are real. But what if you really, really made it a priority to move? Try to tap into your network of friends to see if there's another place you can rent. Or give more thought to moving out of the district. It would involve commuting, which sucks, but not as much as your current situation does.

It probably feels impossible to make this change. But I really think you can figure something out. I think you will be amazed at how much happier you are, how much more energy you have for your daughter and yourself, if you physically remove yourself from such a toxic living arrangement.

In the meantime, like notrightinthehead said, there are some strategies in the toolbox that might help you. If you haven't already implemented medium chill and stopped JADEing, I think that would help.

And I really hope you are either in therapy or can get yourself into it, even if it's through an EAP at work. Having someone IRL to talk to and strategize with is, no exaggeration, life-changing.

I hope you come back and let us know how you're doing. Those on the coparenting board might be able to help with any concerns you have about your daughter. And the people on the separating and divorcing board might have some tips on the logistics of moving out when money is a huge obstacle.