Abusive Tormenting Mother Hired Private Investigator To Find Me!

  • 17 Replies
  • 2792 Views
*

NewDawn

  • Guest
Long story short, I have been NC with malignant NPDm on and off for decades.  Last time I saw her was over 14 years ago yet she has persisted in mailing me abusive letters (to a PO BOX), sending childhood photos, and many attempts to call but I blocked her number.

Now she has gone WAY TOO FAR in her attempt to extract narcissistic supply and control, dragging me back into her continued pattern of abuse and hired a PI to track me down at my home address!

I am FURIOUS right now! This ongoing, unending saga with this now 91-year-old abuser does NOT stop in spite of my best efforts to remain NC and live a life without her vile influence.     

This is what happened:

Yesterday I received a phone message from a man who acted like an "old friend"  calling me by my first name and telling me to call him.  I had a very bad intuition about this but returned the call anyway and it went into his voicemail.  He did not call back yesterday. 

This afternoon there was an unexpected knock on the door.  I looked out the peek hole and I did not recognize the man.  I said (through the door) "who is it?"  He told me his first name.  It was the same guy who called me yesterday. To paraphrase the conversation he told me that my mother hired him to find me. 

I was SO FURIOUS!  I told him to get off my property, didn't answer any of his questions through the door, and told him if I ever see him around again I would call the police.  He promptly left.

Then I immediately called the police and asked the officer if he could call him and tell him never to bother me again.  The officer called me back and apparently the PI told him that he would not be back.

I feel SO VIOLATED RIGHT NOW!  Malignant NPDm has crossed my boundaries to such an extent that I feel that she committed a crime against me!  I have kept my home address private and if I wanted her to know where I lived I would have told her so.  Her controlling abuse has gone WAY TOO FAR this time. 

This PI had to have obtained my home address through special databases that are not available to the public and not found on a Google search.

So now this wretched malignant witch knows where I live - she has been begging for this information for a long time.  I feel stalked and violated as she has committed trespass through a third party without my permission in a final act of disrespect.  I don't know what to expect - will she herself be showing up at the doorstep at any time now?

I feel like I have to be guarded at my own home, looking over my shoulder everywhere I go and not free to go out the front door for fear that her encroachment on my privacy is now imminent. I also have to warn the neighbors not to give out any information about me if this PI comes back.

Any advice would be appreciated on how to handle this.  Thanks in advance.    :blowup: :blowup:

*

MLR

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 721
Re: Abusive Tormenting Mother Hired Private Investigator To Find Me!
« Reply #1 on: February 02, 2017, 11:03:54 PM »
Lawyer up big time.  She knows where you live. 

She is 91.  Is she mobile enough to travel?

*

NewDawn

  • Guest
Re: Abusive Tormenting Mother Hired Private Investigator To Find Me!
« Reply #2 on: February 02, 2017, 11:51:08 PM »
Hi MLR,

Thanks for responding.  Why do you think I need to get a lawyer?  Yes, she can travel but would have to have someone accompany her.  I assume the PI told her that I called the police on him and gave him no information (except to confirm inadvertently that I was who he is looking for.)  The officer could have passed on that I said I want nothing to do with her due to a lifetime of abuse.

If she shows up I'm not opening the door - she was probably hoping the PI told her I was dead since I never answered her letters, calls, etc.   She doesn't care about me - she's malevolent and it would have made her happy to find out I died and her lifelong abuse was successful.  She is as wicked as they get.

*

all4peace

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 8018
Re: Abusive Tormenting Mother Hired Private Investigator To Find Me!
« Reply #3 on: February 03, 2017, 12:54:08 AM »
I'm so sorry. Our homes are supposed to be the one place we are guaranteed to be and feel safe. I can only try to imagine how violated you must feel right now. For your sake, I'm glad for how old your mom is.

*

Ladybug530

  • New Member
  • *
  • 21
Re: Abusive Tormenting Mother Hired Private Investigator To Find Me!
« Reply #4 on: February 03, 2017, 01:03:01 AM »
What is the end result you want? That might help me know how to support you better. Do you want legal justice? Revenge/retaliation? An apology or for her to see how messed up that is? Emotional and/or physical safety now that she knows your address?  All of the above? I'm so so sorry for what has happened. It was a violating and horrible thing to do. Have you ever heard of emotional violence? This is it.  :sadno:  I'm so glad law enforcement was supportive. Hopefully the PI will have the wisdom stop poking around. I think a lawyer would come in handy if you wanted to press charges for stalking. First you would speak with a detective though. In some states what just happened would qualify as aggravated stalking and you can get a protection order so she can't talk to you or send the PI snooping around. You don't need a lawyer or detective for that. There isn't much more that happens if she violates than a slap on the wrist unless it gets extreme, but often that's enough to let her know you're serious about keeping her distance. And sometimes it helps having a legal document saying she's dangerous to you, just for your own sense of justice and retaliation.  So many hugs your way.

*

Ladybug530

  • New Member
  • *
  • 21
Re: Abusive Tormenting Mother Hired Private Investigator To Find Me!
« Reply #5 on: February 03, 2017, 01:05:54 AM »
To my last comment - At least, that's how it's done in the US. That might not apply to you  :blush:

*

NewDawn

  • Guest
Re: Abusive Tormenting Mother Hired Private Investigator To Find Me!
« Reply #6 on: February 03, 2017, 05:05:34 PM »
All4 peace and Ladybug,

Thank you for your replies. I contacted a law office and was told that in order for me to file a restraining order against her she would have to be served papers and then I would have to appear in court with her.  That is completely unacceptable because of NC and would give her what she wants - to see me and humiliate me by portraying herself as the martyr.   

I don't know if a judge would have sympathy for me as they would superficially see this 91-year-old playing the victim of a "disgraceful daughter" and of course "she only contacted me out of love and concern".

If they have not gone though NP abuse they have no grasp of the enormity of this and the residual effects like PTDS, anxiety, depression and re-injury that build up over a lifetime.

My fear is that even though she is 91, she could live to say 96 and that would be five more years (or more!) of playing this NC game. I can't imagine dealing with more years of her heinous psychological trauma.   

The law office suggested that I call the PI and tell him not to pass on my address to her - however I'm not sure that would be the right thing to do because: 1.) He might have already done that; 2.) I am opening myself up to him where he will try to get more information from me, most likely recording it, and pass that on to her.   Just like any flying monkey, the PI is in the category of NC and no information as well.

The fair-weather friends that don't understand this have already jumped on the bandwagon of, "Maybe she is changing her mind and wants to apologize" or "Maybe she wants to get your address to leave you an inheritance", etc.  Not So!  Six decades have proven to me that her intention is malice and control.  If she wanted to leave me an inheritance, she would have sent a Christmas gift.    She thinks she can abuse, abuse, abuse and make no attempt at an apology - yet I am in return supposed to stand with open arms welcoming back in this dark entity from the pit of hell upon her command? 

Wow, that thinking alone is TOTAL INSANITY.  It blows my mind and I can't wait for the day this abuse stops for good.

*

MLR

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 721
Re: Abusive Tormenting Mother Hired Private Investigator To Find Me!
« Reply #7 on: February 03, 2017, 05:28:46 PM »
Ask the lawyer to call the PI and tell him not to pass on your address.   


*

NewDawn

  • Guest
Re: Abusive Tormenting Mother Hired Private Investigator To Find Me!
« Reply #8 on: February 04, 2017, 08:00:06 PM »
Hi MLR,

Thanks for the advice.

Since the PI has been paid by NPDm, I figured that it wouldn't matter what I requested of him - just another flying monkey but in another form, "for hire." 

Yesterday there was a huge white van parked across the street from where I live, all the windows were blacked out.  I thought it  could be surveillance van and wrote down the plate in case I ever need it in the future.  It was their from early morning to about 10 p.m.  When I left my house I wore a knit cap in case they were taking photos.

This is all so despicable and since NP is malignant and on the extreme end of the spectrum of pathological narcissism, she has zero feelings or empathy and her goals are malicious.  This latest charade was to glean information about me - hoping to find out something terrible has befallen me -  as her lifelong desire was nothing short of utterly destruction.  I have witnessed her laugh when bad things happened to me like a hyena after it captured its prey and there was nothing left but the carcass.  It is chilling to the bone.

I'm awaiting either another poison pen letter or a knock on my door since I doubt this is the last I hear from her.  The extreme emotional and psychological harm over the years has really taken its toll and my autoimmune issues have exacerbated by her latest antic.  I have no regret in saying that her vanishing from the face of this planet can't come soon enough.   :sadno:
« Last Edit: February 04, 2017, 08:02:29 PM by NewDawn »

*

Adria

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1109
Re: Abusive Tormenting Mother Hired Private Investigator To Find Me!
« Reply #9 on: February 04, 2017, 09:02:54 PM »
Wow, NewDawn,  you figure by 91 yrs. old she would slow down a little.  :stars: I would most likely file a police report on all of this including the white van.  I hate to say it, but if she knocks on your door maybe call the police. I might also call the police on the van every time you see it.  It might deter her from further harassment on your property.  It might be good to log everything even if it just looks suspicious. That way if it goes full blown at least you have some record of events.  It amazes me how they hate our guts, but keep trying to find new ways to harass and hurt us. I'm so sorry for all the stress she is causing you. Wish you the best.

*

NewDawn

  • Guest
Re: Abusive Tormenting Mother Hired Private Investigator To Find Me!
« Reply #10 on: February 04, 2017, 10:04:19 PM »
Hi Adria,

Thanks for your advice.  It helps so much to know that others on this forum understand.  When you said, "It amazes me how they hate our guts, but keep trying to find new ways to harass and hurt us" is so true and not understood by the "normal" person who has not been though this.   

I was reading today about narcissistic rage and it said this:

In narcissistic rage, a person reacts to the perceived failure of the response of another person (a self-object) with uncontrolled and irrational anger, defensiveness, negativity, devaluation, and meanness. The reaction is more accurately termed rage than anger, because of its uncontrolled and irrational features. This rage tends also to be acted out because, in addition to righteousness and indignation, there is a sense of entitlement.  This schizoid quality is reflected in the actual energetic state of narcissistic rage. She feels, and is perceived by others as, hard and impenetrable, almost inhuman. There is a meanness in this reaction, a desire to inflict pain, to get back, to avenge oneself for being slighted and humiliated. Narcissistic rage is also characterized by a tendency to devalue the self-object, an intense need to demean and insult him or her. Upon investigation, we discover an underlying motive of dissolving her wound by causing a similar wound in the self-object who failed her. It is as if she is trying to displace her wound onto the self-object, through an aggressive, indignant and punishing attitude."

I'm sure NPDm is pacing the floors since she is unable to control me and this has increased her hatred toward me, desire to hurt me, and will stop at nothing to attempt to destroy me.  I'm just wondering what her next step will be.  Hopefully, this will be the end of it ... but sadly, with NP's, we can never let our guard down.  :( 

http://www.ahalmaas.com/glossary/narcissistic-rage?gclid=CjwKEAiAlNbEBRCv9uy4j4SWrgwSJAB5MqJFt2pFrmyg7VD_BbboXAtr6yB7x-AqBIgx2K0_MAJaMhoCeUnw_wcB

*

VividImagination

  • Fear is not real; it is a product of the thoughts you create. Danger is very real, but fear is a choice. - After Earth
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 7492
  • Vivid the Blunt
Re: Abusive Tormenting Mother Hired Private Investigator To Find Me!
« Reply #11 on: February 04, 2017, 11:59:10 PM »
I second calling the police about the van. That is extremely suspicious behavior.
There are three solutions to every problem: accept it, change it, or leave it. If you cannot accept it, change it. I f you cannot change it, leave it.

Sometimes you're damned if you don't and damned if you do, so damn well do what's best for you.

*

Amethyst Anne

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 32
Re: Abusive Tormenting Mother Hired Private Investigator To Find Me!
« Reply #12 on: February 05, 2017, 01:01:42 AM »
Keep a check on your credit report, and password protect your bank accounts and other business accounts.
"I will choose to be the author of my own life, not the editor of other people's lives."     (Thank you to Starboard_Star)

*

Adria

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1109
Re: Abusive Tormenting Mother Hired Private Investigator To Find Me!
« Reply #13 on: February 05, 2017, 12:12:08 PM »
NewDawn, great article on Narcissistic Rage.  Sums it up well.  I hope this is the end of it, but yes, it would be wise to not let your guard down. :sadno:

*

NewDawn

  • Guest
Re: Abusive Tormenting Mother Hired Private Investigator To Find Me!
« Reply #14 on: February 06, 2017, 06:36:04 PM »
Hi Vivid and Amethyst,

Thanks for the advice.  I requested a copy of the incident report today but have not received it yet. 

The thing that makes me angry is that I was forced to break NC and give the police dispatcher information on why I don't want NPm or any third party near me.  I'm sure the PI obtained for her a copy of the report which says that I noted she is abusive.  I didn't want to give her any reason at all for NC and now she was able to extract supply and I'm sure the smear campaign is in full swing.  I can almost hear her saying, "Abusive?  Abusive?  I have never been abusive toward her!" to the golden flying monkeys. 

So now she is thinking she is the winner as she managed to obtain my home address and heard from me inadvertently through my words in the police report.  GRRRRR!       :sadno:

I'm just wondering what the odds are of her showing up on the doorstep?  I fear she will come on my property and make up lies about me, for example, saying I pushed her down or whatever.  She will stop at nothing to punish me and I am already imagining scenarios.  She has robbed me of my peace once again.

At least she doesn't live close by,  but it is now the constant fear and dread of that happening that infuriates me. She interjected herself in my life for a fee of probably 3-4 thousand dollars that she paid to the PI. Unbelievable.  Now I have to start back at square one trying to get her reprehensible behavior out of my thoughts.  The thin thread that I was hanging on by feels as if it has broken!

*

RemovingTheNoose

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 49
  • No longer walks on eggshells, still removing fleas
Re: Abusive Tormenting Mother Hired Private Investigator To Find Me!
« Reply #15 on: February 06, 2017, 07:44:49 PM »
You might need to invest in some camera's... and a notebook, try to get on with your life but note down anything you think may be relevant. You can see a pattern and see if things escalate. Also once it is written down hopefully it will play on your mind less.

I think the 'unknown' is also messing with your head. She might know nothing at all, the PI might have realised that he is been played and is no longer working for her? MAYBE he will string her along for $$$ but not actually tell her anything? Maybe maybe maybe  :stars:

Even if your 'worse' fears are true this woman and her FM are not worth your health and well-being. You have come so far, you are so amazing, please do not let her get back into your head. You have survived so much for so long, this is just a little desperate hiccup as you continue to move forward with your life.

This woman has taken so much from you, for your own sanity minimize in your own mind the pain she causes you.
* I WILL NOT SET MYSELF ON FIRE JUST TO KEEP YOU WARM *

* On a list of 35 Narcissistic Traits my NMother has 31, she would be so proud to have scored so highly *

REMOVED THE NOOSE: 14 JAN 2017
BECOMING A BETTER WIFE AND MOTHER: 15 JAN 2017
TODAY: not always smiling but still winning   :-D

*

NewDawn

  • Guest
Re: Abusive Tormenting Mother Hired Private Investigator To Find Me!
« Reply #16 on: February 07, 2017, 12:39:20 AM »
Removing the NMnoose,

Thank you for your reply.  Yes, you are so right about the "desperate hiccup" and I will move forward from this.  It's that free floating anxiety that is getting to me now as my thoughts are inventing scenarios that may or may not ever manifest encircling my life with fear.

God willing, this is the last I hear of her.  I have benefited from journaling and you are right, it does cause everything to play less on your mind.

Best to you as you "remove the noose" as well.  :bighug: 

*

awarealivesurvivor

  • New Member
  • *
  • 10
Re: Abusive Tormenting Mother Hired Private Investigator To Find Me!
« Reply #17 on: October 20, 2019, 03:33:53 PM »
Hello NewDawn

I am a new member.  I have just read your post on your np finding you through a PI.  I can so relate to what you have been through.  I hope things are going well now. 

I tried the path of going to court to have a one year stalking order placed on my covert narcissistic mother and as you stated in your post that does not work.  I think, my nm only delighted that I dragged her to court.  Your instincts were right on that.  Taking them to court doesn't work.  I fled from the town where she rented an apt. and I owned a home.  I didn't feel it was fair but a crisis counselor who deals with victims of stalkers and my own counselor were recommending that I move.  So I did.

Long story short, after 7 months of a break, I have decided to move back into my home.  I miss it and renting it out only got it tore up.  I didn't have the courage to tell my counselors that I was moving back to my home town.  They don't fully understand and I thought I would never move back but my house wasn't selling and I couldn't afford to keep up my home and an apt.  So I'm back but more rested and I feel stronger.
 
My nm is going on 82.  I also look forward to the day that she is gone.  I don't feel guilty saying that.  I want a life.  I've never had a free life from her and I won't feel completely free until she is gone.  But mentally, I feel the chains vanished when I sent that nc letter two years ago.  It's taken that two years to fully understand and see all the times that she sabotaged me when I was growing up.  I think it takes that much time to start getting strong and heal. 

As I was reading about how your pd had sent a PI looking for you, I understood that fear.  Even though I had fled from my nm, I still had that fear she would find me.  Now that I'm back in my home, I look back at some of the things that the apartment manager would say to me, and I think that my nm was in communication with him.  Being back in my own home now, I don't have to worry about her getting to any of the other apartment dwellers or a manager.  So I actually feel in more control back in the town where she lives.  I know that doesn't make sense but it's how I feel right now.

I hope you are doing well at this time.  I didn't mean to tell so much.  I just wanted let you know I definitely identify with your post and I am curious if your pd left you alone or if you had more trouble and how you dealt with it.  That information may really benefit me if I have more trouble with her.
 Thanks if you get this.  I hope you are still here.