The Will to Believe

[theonetoblame]

So, William James coined the term "The will to believe" as a characterization of the human tendency to believe without supporting evidence.

I also had a beautiful and naive will as a child to believe what my parents told me...

As an adult, I still struggle on a fundamental level to believe that some of the things they said to me were untrue. It's not that I don't believe and know the things were untrue it is more that I don't feel that it was untrue early enough. It's like my childhood mind was so utterly convinced that the will to believe these untruths has somehow taken root in the depths of my subconscious. Intellectually, I know so many things are total BS, but emotionally/implicitly I still feel/believe many of these things are true before my intellectual self sets the record straight.

[MyLifeToo]

Yes, absolutely, I know what you mean. I've only realized in the last few years that my M is likely uNpd. I'm in my 60s. How could I have been so naive?

All my life I believed what she told me. She says she only ever wanted to help people, but what she really does is try to control people. She said people don't like her because they are jealous of her because she is kind and generous and beautiful. I used to believe her. I still automatically believe her, even when there is not only no supporting evidence, but evidence to the contrary.

Everything I read on here supports the probability that she had apd. My best and oldest friend came to stay at the same time as my M was here. She used to be a counsellor. She pointed out the manipulating and lies and I still automatically want to defend M and think she's a poor sweet old lady even though, intellectually,I know that she isn't. I guess that's why I'm still in the FOG.

[Adrianna]

Research cognitive dissonance. It explains this. There are YouTube videos on it.

It's the struggle and frustration you feel when you have a belief and reality doesn't match up to it. It's very common among abuse survivors. We don't want to believe it's as bad as it is and cling to the belief that the person isn't as bad as they seem, even when there is a ton of evidence that yes, they are that bad.

In my case it's why I was continually frustrated, confused, flabbergasted and disappointed in their actions. I just couldn't wrap my head around it. I assumed in my heart that my father had the desire and ability to care about me or others but his actions prove otherwise. It took a very long time to let it sink in that no, he doesn't care. He isn't able to care. The fight between my mind and heart is over. I get it.

You can struggle with this for years. Believe actions, not words. Observe the persons behavior and draw conclusions from that, not from what you want to believe about the person.

[theonetoblame]

I have some understanding of cognitive dissonance. I'm also aware that we process memories in 2 primary ways, through explicit memories and implicit memories. Our implicit memories for the fast majority of the memories that make us who we are. Explicit memories are like a temporary spotlight that searches the vast archives of our implicit memories and pulls them into consciousness as needed.

It's my implicit, childhood memories that I'm referring to. When I think about my childhood it is with the memories I formed at that time. Those memories have particular emotional associations and were formed with a naive and healthy will to believe.

A different example is the belief in god (not to trigger or upset anyone here, we all have our own believes and thoughts about how we got there). I was raised catholic and also taught to believe in santa and the easter bunny. Eventually, when I was still young enough to override the childhood memory, I was told that santa and the easter bunny aren't real. But, nobody thought to tell me the same thing about god. Now as an adult, I know intellectually that god isn't real but implicitly I still have a pang of fear that I might be wrong. This fear was imprinted on me as a child through the many, many sermons I attended, sunday school etc. etc. The small bit of fear still often emerges as an emotional response before my intellectual self takes over, it's like a reflex.