Holiday boundaries

[resrchbug]

Hi ya'll.
I am posted this on the end of a different thread - FOG and lawyers - but realized too late that I should probably have started a new topic. So I reposted . Sorry - I guess I'm not thinking too clearly.

I am trying my best to cope with an impending holiday, including a 10 hour drive with my husband to visit our son for Thanksgiving. I am reaching out for some input. I have been trying to write a letter to him and tell him how I feel and what my boundaries are. But I can't seem to get past the first line. How do tell him that his irrational behavior and anger terrify me when he is currently in nice mode. He is currently not threatening me in anyway, it is only the memory of past explosions that haunt me.

Also, I am completely in the dark about how to enforce boundaries with him safely on a 10 hour drive. I am feeling despair over the whole trip. I don't see any way to get out of the trip since we already have reservations and my son and his very pregnant wife are expecting some much needed help getting ready for their first time hosting Thanksgiving.

I anticipate having to go no contact with him after I have gone to the lawyer and certainly no contact if I must file a restraining order. Feeling lost and confused and most definitely anxious.

[NumbLotus]

I'm new here but I know a letter like that would go nowhere with my H and ultimately be weaponized against me.

You wouldn't have a problem if he could hear you, was interested in your point of view, needs, boundaries. The problem isn't that you haven't put it in writing properly.

As for the drive, what kinds of crap might you be expecting? Let's plan scenarios.

[resrchbug]

First off, in the past, he can become irrationally angry over simple things like not being able to control the GPS to his satisfaction. It is also a time which he spends grilling me and demanding answers for any number of things. Like I am supposed to know what his health problems are and what to do about it. I am supposed to know at the drop of a hat anything and everything about finance's, our adult children's lives, what the future holds for us and what we should do about it, etc.

The main thing he will do is tell me in many sarcastic and nasty ways that all of our problems are caused by my refusal to stay at home. The same home that he has turned into a squalid, filthy hoarders hell. Then if I respond by telling him I am only responsible for my 50% or if I don't have answers he will ratchet up the anger factor a little more and continue to do so until I back down into mouse mode and accept my place. He will also be sure to let me know I need to get a job and stop having friends because - 'those people' - are disrupting our lives.

I won't dare let him drive because he also drives abusively when he is angry by slamming on brakes, pounding on the steering wheel, punching the visor above my head, speeding and swerving. So - no - he will not drive.

When all else fails he will begin telling me all about his vasovagal and heart symptoms.

[NumbLotus]

First off, in the past, he can become irrationally angry over simple things like not being able to control the GPS to his satisfaction.

Ugh, the GPS issues my H has had. Why are all our Hs so similar? (Shoutout to everybody partnered with the same woman, as well).

And he's not even driving?

It is also a time which he spends grilling me and demanding answers for any number of things. Like I am supposed to know what his health problems are and what to do about it.

Are you normally Medium Chill with him, or what's typical? I live Gray Rock but for a long car trip I'd dial it up to Medium Chill, just to get through it.

I am supposed to know at the drop of a hat anything and everything about finance's, our adult children's lives, what the future holds for us and what we should do about it, etc.

Yeah, my H will push me to know everything and solve his problems. Over time I have gotten less and less competent. It's not an act, I am sincerely fuzzier in my mind. I have adopted a sort of "oh wow, I just don't know" attitude, like NASA has asked me to calculate a rocket trajectory. Not defensive, no "how do you expect me to know," not sarcastic, just "oh, that's a tough one." On pushing I'd go to, "I'm going to have to think about it, I just don't have any ideas right now." Repeat. Repeat.

The main thing he will do is tell me in many sarcastic and nasty ways that all of our problems are caused by my refusal to stay at home.

Oh, this one is tough, because it's not a minefield to dance around, but all guns firing at you. How does he respond if you just don't respond at all? (My H goes ballastic at that but I've heard some PDs will just talk and talk until they tire out and not require you to respond). Can you just go blank and detach?

Also, gosh, you know? Notice my suggestions don't include anything RATIONAL like, "could we discuss this another time? We have a long drive and I'd like to arrive feeling good."

Are there any distractions you could dangle? I can't drive but I could imagine cutting off a diatribe with a (convincingly faked) friendly offer to run in and grab a Coke and a snack for him at the convenience store coming up. And use the Ladies. For 8 minutes. He'd still be a bear when I came out but maybe move on to another subject, like why I had to soend so long in the bathroom. Lol. Is this ridiculous? (Um, YES.)

The same home that he has turned into a squalid, filthy hoarders hell. Then if I respond by telling him I am only responsible for my 50% or if I don't have answers he will ratchet up the anger factor a little more and continue to do so until I back down into mouse mode and accept my place.

Aha! Try not to JADE - that sounds like defend/explain. Catnip to a PD. Indon't know what to say about the mouse thing. I am now a mouse. Was once a normal woman. All I can say is, it's sincerely up to you where the line is for you. If you are tired of being pushed around, then let him have it. If you want to minimize the conflict during this one last ride, detach. Don't agree but don't argue. Don't care very much.

He will also be sure to let me know I need to get a job and stop having friends because - 'those people' - are disrupting our lives.

Blah blah blah let it roll.

I won't dare let him drive because he also drives abusively when he is angry by slamming on brakes, pounding on the steering wheel, punching the visor above my head, speeding and swerving. So - no - he will not drive.

Good on ya! I can't drive so we're stuck with him driving and he hates it.

When all else fails he will begin telling me all about his vasovagal and heart symptoms.

"Oh, that sucks." Same tone as to the cashier at the checkout when she complains she has to stay an extra hour tonight. Not sarcastic, just not too invested. Mine complains about his job and all the awful customers. He remembers them. He'll retell the same story of this one lady a year ago who gave him a face when blah blah blah. "Oh, yeah, how awful."  Yup.

[notrightinthehead]

Ah Yes! I remember those long drives when I was a hostage. How I feared and disliked them! Like you, I did not let him drive. And when he raged so much that it affected my driving, I  pulled off the road and got out of the car for a while, taking the key with me. I used to tell him, that his yelling affected my driving and I needed to calm down to be a safe driver again.
I also took audio books along and put them in, saying that it relaxed me. And I used the drives to practise medium chill, grey rock, and non JADE. Took all my willpower but I was so proud of myself when I managed and gave myself a big pat for every minute I did not allow myself to get roped into his world.
Good luck to you!

[resrchbug]

 
All good suggestions. I am normally medium chill to grey rock. But, like you notright, if I don't respond immediately, loudly, and clearly, he will become even more enraged.

He can spend hours going on and on about all the stupid people he works with and the stupid customers and how terrible his job is. Blah, blah, blah. I guess I can endure that rather than rages.

I have several audio books but he thinks all of them are boring and doesn't want to hear them. Sometimes music will work but 10 hours of bagpipes is a bit much.

I am a bit calmer today and feel steadier. If I just keep breathing, remain neutral and solicitous of his health, I should make through alright. I am contemplating giving him ground rules for the times we are at our son's house. I am not sure how he will take it but he needs to not upset our very pregnant daughter-in-law. Our son will not put up with a lot of his behavior and is very outspoken about it. He will defend me or his wife. Those scenes could be ugly if they escalate.

I am determined to concentrate only on the good, positive things and how wonderful it will be to spend time with our kids.

Thank you all for your suggestions and co-misery. I can't believe how much it helps to hear I am not the only one. Happy Holidays to you all.