How To Connect With My Kids

Kat54 · October 16, 2019, 09:41:18 PM

First of all, my kids are 22 and 24; both at home with their father. Son works for his dads trade business. Daughter just graduated college this past spring. I live literally right behind them in my sisters summer cottage. Barely see them. It's been so heart breaking some days I don't even want to be here. I moved to my sisters house to be closer to them so they would stop in or Would just see them. I come by the house where my ex is, our house. But he's made me so unwelcome. He doesn't speak to me right now...again. So that's difficult.

When the divorce is final and he buys me out of the house I'm movingly up closer to my job, about a hour away. I decided that mostly for economic reasons. My commute with gas and bridges is $480 a month. They are adults and truthfully I don't think they even care. They told me no matter where I live they won't be living with me.

Part of it is my fault. The disrespect my ex showed to me and to my kids was terrible. They learned from him and I never put up a fight or called him out. Verbal abuse and treating me like crap is what he did and that's what they have learned and I allowed it.

We have been trying to have a Wednesday night dinner. I'll have it ready and they know and I told them yesterday I was making a nice dinner for Wednesday night. Crickets again and they both are no shows.

What do I do without sounding needy like their father. He doesn't make a move without the two of them at his side. He's been so manipulating and the lies he's told through our divorce.

athene1399 · October 17, 2019, 08:15:24 AM

I think just sending out invites to them is a good start. Don't plan anything extravagant in case they don't show. Maybe invite them to check out your new place once you get it. I wouldn't stop in to the old house where your ex is IMO. It's probably hard because that used to be your home too, but now it's their space. I don't know what that's like, but I would imagine it must be confusing and upsetting.

You can also try texting them once in a while to see how things are going. I wouldn't do that daily, but maybe once a week. See if they respond to that.

If your ex told them lies, they may need a bit of space to sort that out. it probably feels unfair with them living with him, but if you try too much to fast they may back away. That's why I suggested no pressure open ended invites. Like "I'm doing a movie night if you want me join me..." Then just check in the morning of to see if they are coming. If they don't, just try again later.

I'm also an emotionally distant person myself, so maybe it's just me.

Stepping lightly · October 17, 2019, 10:43:38 AM

Hi,

I definitely wouldn't stop by the ex's home, boundaries between both of you should be created.

I think you need to start from the ground up, start small...very, very, small. I wouldn't even include invites at this point, just really simple text messages so they know you are thinking of them. Find things that are specific to them, with no required response or action on their end. It could be something you saw/read/heard that was funny or you think they may find interesting. Make them feel unique, "I heard this and thought you would find this interesting" - but don't expect a response, or act like it matters if they respond. You are just putting these thoughts out there for them to read, no action needed. Keep it light, happy and simple- no invites! Get them talking first....be patient. When they do respond, play it cool....don't go overboard- respond slowly and simply, a short, "That's great" or whatever appropriate response would be best....do not say, "That's great, come over for dinner to talk about it" because that will push them back to step 1.

I would say when you finally get to the "come over phase", you start small- see if they'll stop over for something small, i.e. "I read a really great book that I think you'd enjoy, I'll leave it in the front hall if you want to pick it up at some point".

This is the long game though, and you the slower and more patient you are, I think the better and more long lasting results you'll have.

I think the ideas to keep in mind are; never make them feel obligated to respond/engage, don't message consistently or frequently, use your knowledge of their personalities to show you appreciate them and pay attention, never reprimand them for not responding. They have to work past anything their dad may have painted about you, and that will take time.

hhaw · October 17, 2019, 12:08:32 PM

You extend the relationship you wish to have, while holding zero expectations, IME.

You get your head straight, cultivate serenity around your reality, and let the kids know you love them, unconditionally, but you aren't a punching bag of any kind.

You research boundaries, put them in place, and learn how to feel worthy of them. You keep them in place, and gently show your adult children what boundaries are, and how to enforce them without big emotions, bc you do it before you're upset, and feeling tramped on, IME.

You build a life with activities and people you enjoy, outside your relationship with your children, and you look for the positive, while limiting the negative proactively.

It won't be easy to find comfort in your newly divorced skin, but you can do it. You're worth the investment. Breathe, stretch, get out into nature, and consider hiring a good trauma T. Dance, even if it's in your house... turn the music up, and dance. It's your house, PD free area..... there is much to rejoice, IME.

You're going to be just fine.

Lighter

GettingOOTF · October 17, 2019, 02:12:53 PM

I have read some of your posts. I'm really sorry for your pain. It sounds like you are trying your best and did what you were capable of and thought was for the best when they were young.

Growing up in a PD household is extraordinarily painful. Children develop all kinds of coping mechanisms. As much as you may not have meant for this to happen and were doing what you thought best, your children's experience of what happened was seen through the eyes of children. Children don't have the ability to see situations as adults do. Their experience of what they saw would have been confusing and forced them to develop coping skills to exist within a PD family structure. Often these skills are to appease the PD family member.

I wish I had a parent who was a self-aware as you are, who wanted to make up for what happened and build a healthy connection with me. I'm sure many of us here wish the same. Your children are very lucky in that regard. That said, as someone who grew up in a PD household, all you can do is give your children time and space to process their upbringing and their current situation. It will take time and a lot of work for them to see everyone's role in a different way.

Focus on building your life, on what you love about yourself. You are further down the path of healing than your children. They need time and space to catch up to where you are.

I think being a good example of what life can be and letting them know you are there for them on their terms is all you can really do. They need to find their way back to you on their own and in their own time.

Kat54 · October 19, 2019, 08:54:38 PM

Thank you for all the kind words. Some bring me to tears. There are days I feel so lost and other days I can take on the world. But for me in the end my children are what keep me going. As distant as they are right now, my vision is being closer to them and having a good healthy relationship.
They don't see it and as young adults they are wrapped up in their things and world. I'm still an optimist and believe I'll be closer to them. Thank you all for listening. Don't know what I would do without sounding off on this board.
I write in a journal, I talk to my sisters and my closest friends. But, it's a lot. A lot for anyone.

pushit · October 21, 2019, 12:33:37 AM

Kat54 - Sorry to hear this, it sounds like a really hard thing to go through.

Sorry, I'm a blunt person and I'm going to ask a harsh question here - Are you doing too much in order to try and create the relationship you want? And by doing too much, are they lacking interest in that relationship? Are you making yourself too available? I've fallen into this trap myself, many times.

I think you need to invest in you and make yourself happy first. And, I believe hhaw was hinting at this as well. You're creating a new life for yourself, now go invest in friendships and activities/hobbies that make you happy. Your kids are adults and starting to create their own life. If you don't have anything outside of your relationship with them, then it can feel like a burden to them. I tell you this from experience, my parents are nearing 80 and want to chat with me a lot. The trouble is, they don't have much to say. But I still love them. But, they don't understand that I have a lot of things going on.

Think of it from their perspective: If Kat54 always had Wednesday dinners made with no new news that can be boring. But then all of a sudden Kat54 climbed Mt Everest and wasn't available on Wednesday, what would they think? Dang, she's pretty cool. I want to catch up with her and hear about that. So, we have one Wednesday dinner with her to hear about Everest and then she's gone again because she's working toward her next adventure. Then, that piques their interest. My kids (still young) asked me what I do when they're gone and I told them I go do all the things I want to do but they're not old enough to join me on yet. They like hearing about about my adventures and look forward to going with me.

Remember this - Mom is always Mom. Nothing will ever change that, and your kids want to have a relationship with you. But, you have to be you before a true relationship will ever be available.

Kat54 · October 28, 2019, 01:04:17 PM

Thank you Pushit, so true you're very right. I'm worried about them and losing the two that matter the most I forget about myself. I am trying to do that, be better to me. It was my life putting my ex and kids always first. A lot of my wants and needs were left out, and I allowed it to be that way. But my ex was extremely controlling so it was easier to appease him and not rock the boat.

Tonight after work I'm meeting with a realtor to look at a couple places to live. I kept thinking proximity to them, but have now rethought that and I am going to find a place closer to my job and make my commute easier. They are adults and getting in a car, coming to see me sometimes and also coming to a home that is full and happy will be OK for them. It will be a much different home than where they are with their father.