I amost did it. I almost left.

Started by TooLiteral, October 16, 2019, 09:48:11 PM

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TooLiteral

Tonight has been the closest I've been to leaving. In the decade we've been married, all the holes in the walls, all the stonewalling, all the blaming, shaming, anger, fear, guilt, and sadness..... tonight's little fit almost ended it for good for me. I didn't because our son had such a good day. No autistic outbursts. No meltdowns. I looked past my uNPDh, sitting there in a self-imposed snit, to my glowing, happy little munchkin, eating his dinner, gently bouncing in his chair and I just.... couldn't.

And then I sat on the bathroom floor and cried. One day, my son will either know who his father is or become him. Both are terrifying. And it's up to me. I don't want to make that choice! I'm sad and angry and hurt that the person that helped me make this perfect child is also the person that is forcing me into this decision.

About once a year, he mentions wanting to "destroy" something or "punch" something. He usually doesn't do anything of the sort. He's hit walls before, the holes are now neatly covered with pictures in frames. Tonight was the second time in three months he's said it. My head knows what's happening. The literature and statistics are there. But I'm having a hard time facing it.

11JB68

Too literal, I'd take the punching walls very seriously, especially if it's escalating. I've read that it's almost like proxy violence...can escalate to violence against you (or good forbid your LO). Also I've read that it's a form of abuse/threat when someone does that in your presence.

Samuel S.

TooLiteral, I am so very sorry that you are going through all of that! I can understand why you would want to leave due to your PDh. I can understand why you would not want to leave due to your son. That situation of being in limbo, if you will, is hard to deal with! I am glad you have us to relate what is going on for you!

Since your PDh has punched holes in the walls, he has a lot of anger. Has he gotten counseling, or is he too full of himself or in denial? Have you gotten counseling?

SparkStillLit

11JB is right, I have heard that same thing. That it's a threat to you. I actually find that scary for you, that he says that stuff and then makes holes in your presence. Brrrr!
I wish you safety, please do take these things under consideration.

TooLiteral

I've read so much that agrees with you all. Especially when the threats are escalating. It's terrifying! He hasn't actually hit anything in years, but he'll ball his fists and storm out of the house in a rage, eyes bulging threateningly. This evening when he did it, he got on his motorcycle and tore out of the driveway. I wasn't worried for him or me and our son, but my first thought was for some innocent passerby. Someone who cuts him off in traffic. Someone who may be dealing with their own issues in life and is just the slightest bit too snarky.... I would feel responsible if that person got hurt. I know that's ridiculous and just a result of the narc abuse, but it's still there...

Yes, I am getting two forms of therapy; CBT and regular talk therapy. It's helping a great deal. Any time I bring it up for him, he gets defensive because he "doesn't believe in that stuff." I've even offered to go with him, but when I make an appointment for us, he finds a way out of it.

I know we need to leave. There's just too much "if" to stay. But my head is so messed up in all of his manipulation. I've been a stay at home mom for so long. Our son is home-schooled. What on Earth could I possibly do for us to survive? Can I even live on my own? Who am I that I am this dependent?! I used to be so strong. So vibrant. I feel like such a shell.

Samuel S.

TooLiteral, I also fear for your safety and the safety of your son! I would suggest that you check your local women's shelter to discuss what's going on and what your options are. He might be under control around you now, but there's no way to predict how unpredictable he can be in the future.

Like everyone is saying, please keep yourself and your son safe! Also, please keep us posted!

TooLiteral

Today, he's acting like nothing happened. Like usual. I contacted the local women's shelter. They've put me in contact with a lawyer and the local advocacy group. I'm terrified but somehow....empowered. Thank you all for being here for me.

SparkStillLit

EXCELLENT. 
Keep up the good work. We've got your virtual back, anyway. 😉

Samuel S.

AWESOME! Indeed, it is scary; yet, you've got to do whatever it takes to protect yourself and your child.

A dear friend of mine was basically married to a PDh for 23 years with 2 kids. He would act erratically and was very abusive emotionally. When he did the "last straw" if you will, she called her local women's shelter. She and her 2 kids were moved into an apartment. Then, she divorced him. I don't know what the women's shelter is going to do for you, although it will be for your protection!

Please keep us posted! We care!

TooLiteral

It's just getting worse. What is that saying? "No one can tbrow a tantrum like a Narcissist  that is losing control of someone's mind"? I didn't know how true this was until now.

He has made me cry every day for a week. Constant belittling and devaluing, then a half-apology with a condition. "I didn't mean for the conversation to turn out the way it did yesterday, but I don't feel appreciated at all anymore" (long story short, the whole family is sick, I have a migraine on top of it, but I was supposed to get over it and 'poor baby' him after work anyway, even though he's been mean to me for days....)

This morning he yelled at our son for being on his phone then yelled at me for always "Making him be the bad guy." Our son is autistic and watches videos on his phone first thing in the morning to wake up while dad goes off to work, as things get settled, so we can start school. He needs this time to keep calm. Now, he's tic-ing out, scattered. Then he tells me before he leaves, "I've had enough." I asked what that means. He said "I don't know. I have no words." 

I think I know exactly what he means.