Drama he's created then resolves to be the "good guy"

[TooLiteral]

I've noticed a pattern that is terribly toxic and, now that I've found it, ironically funny from my uNPDh. He creates these little dramas, usually about me somehow, then fixes them to his own satisfaction to come out "on top" as it were. For instance, this weekend, he started an argument about how little I do for our business because I missed a call. One call. And suddenly I don't pull my weight. I do the taxes, the invoicing, the purchasing, the insurance.... Everything but the labor. But I miss one call and I'm not doing enough. It turned into him saying "You've just checked out of our life and I walk around with a broken heart every day because of it."  Really?

Long, circular argument later (we were stuck in a car trip together,) he decides that we need to stop holding eachother accountable for the others' expectations. Which is something I've been telling him for months. But he thought of it this time, which makes him the "winner" I guess? This is such a surreal thing for me....

Anyone else seeing this?

[Whiteheron]

Oh yes. My stbx used to manufacture "problems" just so that he could rush in to solve them and be the good guy. He constantly needed to be the hero and save the day. Whenever he would start up I had that old jingle in my head..."here he comes to save the day!" I can't remember where that came from - I'm thinking a cartoon from my childhood (mighty mouse?). Anyways - it would help me get through his self created drama.

He used to try to 'fix' me all the time. I was nothing but a series of problems for him to solve. It was exhausting. I guess this was his way of making himself feel like he was better than me?

[Samuel S.]

I am sorry you have gone through all of that unnecessary trauma. Frankly, it's all about control, to be the good guy, the savior, to be better than you. And trying to convince the PD? You might as well try talking to the wall. You know in your heart what you have done for the sake of your business. Missing one phone call is not a big deal. Leaving a voicemail and getting back to whomever is easy to do, but the PD doesn't see it that way.

My PDw would rather accentuate the negative than the positive. This weekend, she is out of town, learning about a new career, and she has been really excited about it. She has to be in class to learn. Nevertheless, she is complaining about having to sit in class all that time and learn. Yeah, you read that correctly. She is excited about the new subject, she complains about the hardship of having to sit down to learn.

Bottom line, the PD world has to revolve around them and nobody else. If they make a mistake, it's no big deal. If we nonPDs make a mistake, it's a big deal. If they are enjoying themselves, they will complain. UGH!

[Doggo]

."here he comes to save the day!"

Yes, Mighty Mouse.

My uPDh doesn't create dramas to fix, but he has always had to have a 'project.' He always says it's because of his ADHD, and his hyperfocusing on things--seems to me it's more PD than ADHD.

Anyhow, he manufactures projects that MUST be done--sometimes based on anxiety, sometimes based on how 'clever' he is--but always with his being the good guy to 'rescue' the thing. and be clever (the trait he is most proud of). It's exhausting, fielding these constant ideasevery day--they are inevitably convoluted and ridiculously complicated.

Eg, his last idea was that we need to buy a de-icer gadget for the back steps. For $200. Because apparently it's too much effort to sweep the snow off the steps in the winter so that the dogs can go out to do their business. Or, "better" idea--he is going to run a wire thru the steps so that they have a heating element in them to melt the ice. (And I'm thinking he will electrocute a dog, but no, he flew into a mini rage when I expressed my reservations about it)

Sometimes i am the focus of his projects too--and he parrots my words back to me, also, as if it's a new revelation on his part.

[SparkStillLit]

This is pretty interesting.  Whenever H is all in his hyper "up" mode, he talktalk talks about all these ideas and projects he's going to to, and all the stuff he's going to fix around the house that in most cases has needed fixed for YEARS. Now if I try to pin him down with a timeframe about a thing to fix, he'll get pissed and say he'll get to it in his own time (never), then he'll say how controlling I am and how I always have to have everything done when I want it done with no consideration for anyone else. Nope, I just want it DONE because history shows it won't get done, and I hardly think timeframes are unreasonable.
Anyway, he rattles on about all this stuff, but he MIGHT do one repair item, or start one project - and then he will swing back "down" and leave everything, literally leave shit dropped, hell to breakfast across the yard or wherever.
I don't know, writing that out it doesn't sound quite the same thing as you guys' situations. More like mine gets big ideas and then just drops them.

[Doggo]

This is pretty interesting.  Whenever H is all in his hyper "up" mode, he talktalk talks about all these ideas and projects he's going to to, and all the stuff he's going to fix around the house that in most cases has needed fixed for YEARS. Now if I try to pin him down with a timeframe about a thing to fix, he'll get pissed and say he'll get to it in his own time (never), then he'll say how controlling I am and how I always have to have everything done when I want it done with no consideration for anyone else. Nope, I just want it DONE because history shows it won't get done, and I hardly think timeframes are unreasonable.
Anyway, he rattles on about all this stuff, but he MIGHT do one repair item, or start one project - and then he will swing back "down" and leave everything, literally leave shit dropped, hell to breakfast across the yard or wherever.
I don't know, writing that out it doesn't sound quite the same thing as you guys' situations. More like mine gets big ideas and then just drops them.

This is EXACTLY my situation. I could give you probably hundreds of examples of my uPDh doing this. He blames the ADHD. I think ADHD is a misdiagnosis. It's PD. Things only ever get finished if I give him an ultimatum (eg, I am selling the house--though I changed my mind at the moment). Even then, the moment he doesn't have a sword hanging over his head, it's back to his old ways. He cleaned out our spare bedroom when he thought we were selling the house--and now all the junk is back so that I can't even walk into the room. Literally--it's blocked by a spare desk and there is literally a bag of garbage on the bed.

Nothing ever gets done, despite grandiose project ideas daily.

[TooLiteral]

Wow. All of you have situations so similar to mine. The "projects" he decides need done are important, yes, but not dire. But he stomps around here like the world is coming to an end because the truck is 200 miles overdue for an oil change. Or his dresser drawers are unorganized. I stand in shock sometimes thinking to myself "Where are the cameras? Am I being punked?"

He also relishes in his cleverness, or the idea that no one truly appreciates his genious, his exceptional work ethic, or his stamina; least of all me. If I did, I would do more for him out of gratitude.... 🙄

[Doggo]

The "projects" he decides need done are important, yes, but not dire. But he stomps around here like the world is coming to an end

He also relishes in his cleverness, or the idea that no one truly appreciates his genious, his exceptional work ethic, or his stamina; least of all me. If I did, I would do more for him out of gratitude.... 🙄

I find it eerily creepy how many quirky traits he has that I thought were unique to him but that I find people posting here--the whole "projects" problem that this post is about. And your comment about relishing in cleverness--Wow--he absolutely PRIDES himself on how clever he is (not that his clever solutions work out, except once in a while and most are just crazily complicated). He doesn't work (heaven forbid)--but he goes on and on about how his "work" ethic in searching to find the perfect gift for other people (notably never for me) and how no one appreciates him for it.

Really, the only word I can find for it is creepy.

[chaosflower]

IDK, as someone who has struggled with ADHD symptoms and didn't get treated until later in life... I can confirm that sounding obnoxiously confident about your cleverness, while at the same time living in a pile of unfinished junk (I'm totally going to get to that thing later... and that one.. and also that one..) is pretty common. As is the seeming "highs" and "lows" of the merry go round of struggling to keep up with everything despite untreated symptoms getting in the way... and the defensiveness when confronted about trying to get organized about, literally, anything.
The key differences here are,
(a) ADHD'ers may get caught up in other issues, such as depression or perfectionism, but they are not inherently narcissistic. If cornered, the person will probably just feel really bad about themselves and cry.
(b) ADHD is treatable with medications. Take the right dose of medications, you have a changed person. No amount of med trials will stop a PD'er from doing PD things.

[Doggo]

IDK, as someone who has struggled with ADHD symptoms and didn't get treated until later in life... I can confirm that sounding obnoxiously confident about your cleverness, while at the same time living in a pile of unfinished junk (I'm totally going to get to that thing later... and that one.. and also that one..) is pretty common. As is the seeming "highs" and "lows" of the merry go round of struggling to keep up with everything despite untreated symptoms getting in the way... and the defensiveness when confronted about trying to get organized about, literally, anything.
The key differences here are,
(a) ADHD'ers may get caught up in other issues, such as depression or perfectionism, but they are not inherently narcissistic. If cornered, the person will probably just feel really bad about themselves and cry.
(b) ADHD is treatable with medications. Take the right dose of medications, you have a changed person. No amount of med trials will stop a PD'er from doing PD things.

Thank you for that--his ADHD is treated and he saw a new psych two weeks ago who lowered the dosage of his meds because she said that his dose was increasing his anxiety. So he actually has been completing some projects on his own--still sort of half-ass, with tools and things scattered all over the house, despite his being medicated. And the projects that he has done are things that didn't need to be done-not even low priority, just outright useless. So for me personally it's difficult in those respects, plus he has other symptoms that fit APD and DPD both. (Most of the APD symptoms on the list)

[SparkStillLit]

Would a man who's been taught that crying is weak (and tries to punish our son for crying) cry though? He just gets super defensive and resorts to temper and rage when confronted about ANYTHING. I thought this was more PD than ADHD. Of course we'll never know, because addressing any of this with a professional will never happen, HE'S FIIIINNNNE. All this behavior is TOTALLY NORMAL.

[xdamage]

Creating drama then solving the same is a norm for some PDs.   

I think NPD for sure, that is a common pattern. 

[TooLiteral]

Creating drama then solving the same is a norm for some PDs.   

I think NPD for sure, that is a common pattern.

That's what I've been reading. And looking back in my journals, he's been doing this our entire life together. Over and over again. And it's always centered around me. Because a) I'm the one he needs to co trol, and b) I'm the only one he KNOWS won't push back, KNOWS  he can manipulate, etc.