Increasing awareness

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GentleSoul

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Increasing awareness
« on: October 18, 2019, 07:12:31 AM »
Hello all

Thank you for being here in this safe space.

As I move forward working on myself, my co-dependency and my distorted perspective from being raised in a PD/alcoholic house I am noticing that my awareness is gradually increasing.

Behaviours from my PD/alcoholic husband that I hadn't thought were too bad, are actually far worse than I realised. In terms of how he speaks to me, what he expects from me, how his mood dominates the house, his unreasonable demands. 

I am seeing my base level of what I think is ok, is way way way way lower than is healthy.

As I come Out of the FOG.  This is being revealed in a gentle way to me.

My version of when I thought he was being "nice" is way off the mark. 

I can now see that a lot of what I considered "nice" conversations were actually peppered with nasty, passive aggressiveness.   Half hidden, sly digs at me and at the world in general.  It feels like being sprayed with bullets when he speaks.  Right in my face. 

Bullets of his inner rage.

I had wondered why I feel so uneasy when I am with him, I see now this is why.  The sniper fire, as my recovery pal describes it. 

As I have shared before, he is currently dying of self created illness.  One of his medical team visited yesterday.  I thought she was extremely helpful and listened so politely to him.  He puts on an act in front of people.   The poor suffering old man victim act.    Anyway as soon as she left, he started ranting about her having a couple of tattoos on her arm.  For goodness sake.

Anyways just writing and sharing really.  Moving forward in my recovery and growth.

I would appreciate if anyone else would like to share about their awareness increasing over time.

Thanks for reading.
« Last Edit: October 18, 2019, 07:16:17 AM by GentleSoul »

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Poison Ivy

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Re: Increasing awareness
« Reply #1 on: October 18, 2019, 09:29:53 PM »
I don't have clear memories of when exactly my awareness surrounding my former FIL's behavior increased.  But I can tell you why my awareness increased: It was when I noticed or was told that other people seemed to have similar problems getting along with him and that he often behaved with other people in the negative way he behaved with or toward me. Former FIL and his wife are 93 years old and are in very ill health, but the only one of their four children who spends any time with them is my ex-husband, who is their caregiver.  This would not happen in a family in which the father treated his children well and in which the family members loved each other. (My former MIL got along better with her children and grandchildren, but she is in the end stages of Alzheimer's disease and doesn't recognize anyone. I assume she and her husband get few visitors because visitors figure it's not worth putting up with former FIL's negative behavior.)

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GentleSoul

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Re: Increasing awareness
« Reply #2 on: October 19, 2019, 05:54:39 AM »
I don't have clear memories of when exactly my awareness surrounding my former FIL's behavior increased.  But I can tell you why my awareness increased: It was when I noticed or was told that other people seemed to have similar problems getting along with him and that he often behaved with other people in the negative way he behaved with or toward me. Former FIL and his wife are 93 years old and are in very ill health, but the only one of their four children who spends any time with them is my ex-husband, who is their caregiver.  This would not happen in a family in which the father treated his children well and in which the family members loved each other. (My former MIL got along better with her children and grandchildren, but she is in the end stages of Alzheimer's disease and doesn't recognize anyone. I assume she and her husband get few visitors because visitors figure it's not worth putting up with former FIL's negative behavior.)

Thank you for this, Poison Ivy.

What you say makes sense. It also reflects how my uPD husband is.  He has three grown up children and hoards of grandkids and great grandkids.  One of the grown up children visit him - about twice a year.  None of the others.  As you say, the behaviours drive people away.