Dawning Realization

[moglow]

Here I am, near two months after my decision to NC with mommie dearest. She's made a couple of half-hearted/half-assed attempts at contact, truly random noncommittal stuff that made little sense. But I guess she "tried"?

But ... Three+ years of her raising hell over me blocking her cell phone, multiple meltdowns over the whys and wherefores, cussing and raising hell at me repeatedly, she's aware it's not blocked now. She melted down possibility of contact from me within six hours of me making it clear her phone was no longer blocked.

As for her insistence on that line of communication being left open? Nothing. Zip. Nada. She's sent a couple of texts, but those calls she was so insistent (very mildly put) be made to/from her cell phone? Seriously - nothing. Not one call from her. I mean, I knew on some level she didn't want to talk to me. She's been able to call from home phone from day one, just always called when she knew I was at work and would get voicemail. And it still didn't dawn in me.

My realization? It truly isn't personal with mother. I'M not "personal" with my own mother. I've backed off so far and stopped sharing for so long now, that there really is no connection, no common thread anywhere to be seen or felt. I was in her town with my brother a couple of weeks ago, and I had no obligation or guilt about visiting her or not. The subject didn't come up at all, for either him or me. I doubt she knows I was there, but still.

All that folderol over the cell phone was just another battle to be fought because it was there. She didn't want contact with ME, she wanted to wage war and was hellbent to have one! That was the sole purpose behind it all - not me, nothing to do with me other than her sad need to control something/anything. The hell of it is, he/brother *told me* to unblock her and she'd just move in to the next battle. She doesn't have one so we have silence.

Dammit, man. I won't lie - this one stings. The hell I've put myself through for so long, trying to do the right thing, be a decent person, give her the benefit of the doubt. And I don't exist for her other than as and when she has need of me (even as an opponent). And even that is mutual, y'all. I've lived my life taking care of myself because there's no one else to do it, no one to lean on, no mother to turn to. I've trained myself to rely on no one, had to. Now here's this empty space where wars used to be.

Guess the anger of grief is over. This kinda swept my feet out from under me. Pardon me while I dust my butt off and crawl back up ...

[MamaDryad]

Yes! This hits very close to home.

With my mother, the boundary was (and had been for over a decade) don't call me after 5pm, when you start drinking. But did she ever call before that? She did not. We spoke when I called her, but otherwise, nothing until it was boundary-stomp-o'clock. It was more important to her to be able to pretend I'd told her *never* to call me, giving her something to waif about and making me chase her, than it was to actually speak to me.

I described it to my partner as being like, she wants to check off the box on her List of Normal People Things that says "full 24/7 phone access to daughter" (as well as others like "recent photos of grandson," "semi-regular visits") rather than actually *enjoy* any of those things.

Stings, doesn't it?

[moglow]

Like you mentioned in that other thread, their concept of connections with others is skewed in a whole other direction because they have no idea what it is, really, to connect. There just isn't any, really. It's more about possession, control, possibly even jealousy, but not appreciation of and for others as themselves, shared bonds and laughter and warmth. It's just not there.

People wonder why I isolate myself, why I'm content in my own company and even somewhat irritated when in the company of others  whatever my inner person decides is too long. I get away, I shut down, I relish silence almost to the point of overkill. I definitely find a certain amount of peace alone - something I'm not sure mother has ever seen or recognized in herself. Maybe the incessant battles are what kept her feeling "alive," a part of things? I think back to the constant turmoil in her family [all gone now, she's the sole surviving member] and how that had to have been drilled as "normal" and "just how families are." She still perpetuates that drama or tries - how frustrating and even painful that must be to find no opponents.

And yes, I feel sorry for her, that that is what she seeks even after all the decades of pain and anger. Not sorry enough to engage, no, but simple pity for all that's been thrown away with both hands in favor of *this*.

[Hazy111]

Moglow , i presume your mother was a uBPD Queen or Witch type. Their constant need for drama is legendary . A form of "supply" that keeps them alive. I have experience of it . There was never ever any extended "peace". Their seemed an insatiable need to create dramas out of absolutely nothing. Melodramas constructed from nothing, that she was at the centre of like a hurricane drawing anyone close into the maelstrom.

[moglow]

Hazy, very much so - mother was a bully as far back as I know, from stories that were told it went back into childhood. She ran roughshod over everyone, including her own mother, and for some reason they all allowed and seemingly encouraged it. Her brothers eventually just laughed at her and brushed her off but honestly that just made it worse. Mother and her sisters were forever ganging up on someone, whether within the family or extending out to others. I get the feeling she deeply resents our refusal to engage in the nastiness, as if it's a lack of loyalty or something. There's an underlying viciousness even in her laughter, like she really does take a sick joy in seeing pain and misfortune in others.

Now with all of them gone, mother's truly alone in it so those behaviors don't work like they used to - she's reverted more to waif/hermit as new methods of engagement. If nothing else, it shows me how very calculated it all is, how she's perfectly aware of what she's doing and can change it. Just chooses not to.

[sarandro]

Like you mentioned in that other thread, their concept of connections with others is skewed in a whole other direction because they have no idea what it is, really, to connect. There just isn't any, really. It's more about possession, control, possibly even jealousy, but not appreciation of and for others as themselves, shared bonds and laughter and warmth. It's just not there.

People wonder why I isolate myself, why I'm content in my own company and even somewhat irritated when in the company of others  whatever my inner person decides is too long. I get away, I shut down, I relish silence almost to the point of overkill. I definitely find a certain amount of peace alone - something I'm not sure mother has ever seen or recognized in herself. Maybe the incessant battles are what kept her feeling "alive," a part of things? I think back to the constant turmoil in her family [all gone now, she's the sole surviving member] and how that had to have been drilled as "normal" and "just how families are." She still perpetuates that drama or tries - how frustrating and even painful that must be to find no opponents.

And yes, I feel sorry for her, that that is what she seeks even after all the decades of pain and anger. Not sorry enough to engage, no, but simple pity for all that's been thrown away with both hands in favor of *this*.

My goodness, this really describes my Mum too... and how much I now enjoy being in my own company and not feeling like I have to engage with people if I don't want to.

[Starboard Song]

Mo, this is such a hard time. Realio trulio NC brings a lot to the front: how little was there; how much we wanted more from them; how terrible it is to get to such a stage, and yet necessary; how very much they are wasting the opportunity to be humane and loving.

There is the role of mother: apple pie and all that. And there is the vessel cast as yours by fate. The two aren't the same. For many a year I believe my wife struggled with anger and frustration at the gap between the idealized role of mother and what hers was capable of. NC turned that to grief. She realized that idealized role was already lost to her: it seems to have died along the way.

It is going to be a roller coaster, Mo. But you can do all of it. And it is on your terms now. You can choose your course every day anew. Go do it.

[Free2Bme]

So very sorry Moglow.  You are brave to open the door and face this dreadful thing.  Still, that leaves the pain.

You said, "My realization? It truly isn't personal with mother".   This is HER dysfunction not yours.  Her shame, not yours.  M inability to love is no reflection upon you being loveable.  This does not define you. 

Strength and peace as you work through this 

[moglow]

I knew all of this, have known for quite a while now. Years of messages left on VM at times she knows I'm at work and can't answer her calls, not answering mine when I call her back or returning my calls. Sitting back to see how long before she attempts to call, only to ultimately be the one who reaches out. All those calls that ended with one of her melodrama, her hanging up on me rather than actually have or finish difficult conversations. Ongoing "threats" of her saying I dont want her to say what's really on her mind, no followup whatsoever - she blithely calls or makes contact weeks later with not a care in the world.

Once again I suppose I needed evidence to smack me in the face. Not sure why it hit me fresh today, it's not new news. Maybe I had to get through the anger at how she talked to me that last day. And yet I guarandamntee she tells herself and "others" I'm giving her silent treatment for some not-yet-revealed reason she's come up with. I'm holding a grudge or something. Pretty damn sad.

[Starboard Song]

Pretty damn sad.

Yes it is.

[moglow]

Well kids, confirmed! It's not personal AND it's not just me. I got a text earlier, seems my youngest brother and his wife have told her they're visiting for Thanksgiving. She's not seen them in since their last visit some 8-9 years ago - and is trying to talk them out of visiting. Told brother #2 it's not a good time.

Um ... Thanksgiving is a month away. She's not working anymore so her work schedule isn't an issue. And she's 81+. When *will* be a "good time" for her? Is she waiting for that funeral visit so she doesn't have to actually pretend to care anymore???

I'm actually kind of surprised on this one. This is the one brother I'd have thought she'd put on a front for. Guess she realizes that'll be kind of hard to do, considering she can't manage to hold a decent conversation with two of her four children, let alone a face to face visit. This has awkward written all over it.

[moglow]

Sigh. She's hellbent on reminding me why I blocked her cell phone all that time. Poor old thing is on some sort of tear this morning, out of the blue text regarding a comment i made to her ... Sometime. Maybe that last time I tried to talk to her? Not sure. Anyhoo, WAY out of context, as in none provided when she sent her opening shot.

Seems mother thinks I need to take a good look at my feelings/caring for her before commenting on her lack of care for me. And caring is a two way street. Um what?? What wall did that just ping off of and why is it pinging now?

No seriously, we've not spoken since that disastrous attempt two months ago and this is her opener - by text?? You want to take potshots at me but refuse to talk to me, make any effort at making amends or offering a simple apology? Yeah no.

I did respond, told her to stop it. Texts like that serve no purpose other than picking a fight. She needs to find someone else to fight with, I'm not doing it. That's just another of her endless circular arguments in her head. Nothing ends, nothing is resolved, she just wallows in her self righteous misery

And she wonders why i/we stay away ...

[Starboard Song]

I did respond, told her to stop it. Texts like that serve no purpose other than picking a fight. She needs to find someone else to fight with, I'm not doing it.

You are flatly on top of right minded behaviors. And that is step one.

[moglow]

She's oblivious. All she sees or hears is that war in her mind. There's no interest in talking anything out or finding resolution on any level. I told a good friend earlier, it's like she shuffles a deck of cards and picks out a few random items to throw at me, via text no less. But she says she loves her children, as if by rote, one of those things you're supposed to say. If this is love, then no, I'm not interested.

I keep forgetting what she said to me a while back - she prefers texts because I'm" impossible to talk to." Truth is she can shut those down easier than hanging up on me. She can pretend to misunderstand and thinks I don't pick up on her incessant sarcasm and insults.

I just don't see the purpose in continuingm. Dislike me, don't care, dont want to hear what I have to say? Then leave me alone. I'm not the same sad little girl she raised. Guess that one's a bit hard for her to swallow right about now.

Is disgust one of the stages of grief?

[Starboard Song]

I believe it is, in this setting.

[Groundhog Day]

I'm so sorry Moglow.  When reality sets in first comes anger, then disbelief, disapointment until we finally come to terms that the "relationship" can no longer exist if we want to remain in good mental health. My M has a war path with neighbourgs, sibblings, children, grand children, anyone who disagrees with her

I had a good friend who's M had alzheimer and she told me she could no longer visit her mother as it broke her heart that her M could not recognize her. I told my friend, at least your mother never told you she hated you, you were  a disapointment, wish she aborted you and so on. I've had texts, voice messages of verbal abuse, yelling, suicide threats, been sworn at. I had tried over and over again to help, find a solution, comfort her, reasure her, encourage her but the drama kept on adding to her life. You will definetly go through many stages of anger, disgust, sadness, heartbroken. I beleive it is important to get through these stages in order to move on.

[Unknown]

She's made a couple of half-hearted/half-assed attempts at contact, truly random noncommittal stuff that made little sense. But I guess she "tried"?

But ... Three+ years of her raising hell over me blocking her cell phone, multiple meltdowns over the whys and wherefores, cussing and raising hell at me repeatedly, she's aware it's not blocked now. She melted down possibility of contact from me within six hours of me making it clear her phone was no longer blocked.

As for her insistence on that line of communication being left open? Nothing. Zip. Nada. She's sent a couple of texts, but those calls she was so insistent (very mildly put) be made to/from her cell phone? Seriously - nothing. Not one call from her. I mean, I knew on some level she didn't want to talk to me. She's been able to call from home phone from day one, just always called when she knew I was at work and would get voicemail. And it still didn't dawn in me.

My realization? It truly isn't personal with mother. I'M not "personal" with my own mother.
All that folderol over the cell phone was just another battle to be fought because it was there. She didn't want contact with ME, she wanted to wage war and was hellbent to have one!

Dammit, man. I won't lie - this one stings. The hell I've put myself through for so long, trying to do the right thing, be a decent person, give her the benefit of the doubt. And I don't exist for her other than as and when she has need of me (even as an opponent). And even that is mutual, y'all. I've lived my life taking care of myself because there's no one else to do it, no one to lean on, no mother to turn to. I've trained myself to rely on no one, had to. Now here's this empty space where wars used to be.

Oh, you have my empathy! Especially with the parts above. My Nmom is so similar I feel like we have the same mother. She would do the same thing, call me at home when she knew I was at work, after explicitly asking her to verbalize her understanding that she is to call me on my cell. Passive aggressive shit like that for one reason or another, mostly because she is a coward and doesn't like confrontation. Because she likes to do things only HER way, stomping over everyone else's boundaries because she does not care. So, I changed my home phone number and refused to give it out to her. She stomped like a bull seeing red to that one. I never gave her an explanation either. I knew it would be futile, I'd be met with more denial,  raging etc, I told her one number is enough.  I was done with her games which busted her manipulative passive aggressive ploys. She was NOT happy with that restriction. Ha! (Now she is blocked on both (for safe measures) since going NC)
She also would make half- attempts at "connecting" when it was half attempts. it was always all about her. I'd call her, she'd waif and moan that "I never call her" even though I'd point out I just did. I would be the  one making connections yet it would never be enough. 1 hr, why not 2? Like the old saying if you offer a finger, they will take your whole hand. Never enough. One painful memory is I asked her out to dinner for mothers day. She was non commital and I asked her to let me know. Approaching the day, I bring it up again, and she says she made plans with GC sister. I said but I asked you first and you never told me that. She said she couldn't remember who asked her first. But clearly, she chose the GC.
That was such a slap in the face.
(Stay strong. I am so sorry. This realization is painful, yet necessary for growth and healing. It is really painful to realize they just don't know see you as anything but an extension of themselves. But I've found, after the realization, I allow myself to feel the deep pain, then I can move forward with acceptance which can bring peace. 

[moglow]

Groundhog Day, your name really strikes a chord with me every time I go through this crap with her. It is indeed Groundhog Day over and over again with her. It's like she's somehow starting fresh with some ancient grievance each time, digging up bones so to speak to see what new chaos she can create. She never buries any of it and leaves it alone, just gets bored/tired/self-satisfied and walks away until the next time. I never know which direction it'll come from or how far back she'll go to find a "new" mad. I just know I'm over it.

This time she opened with "how I've treated her" since my stepfather/her husb passed, some 25 years ago now [she always has a "new" something she needs to discuss with me as handy openers. Read "discuss" as lambast me with senseless drama I can't possibly explain or change.]. Total tunnel vision again - she forgets that by the time Step passed, there had been several close losses that year including my Daddy and grandmother just two months before his passing. I didn't "treat her well" because I was reeling, depressed, suicidal and rarely sober, plus I was the personal representative of my Daddy's estate since I was the only child living near enough to manhandle everything. Guarandamntee she forgot/overlooks that part or what the cumulative effect of it all might have been doing to me. I was barely holding my own head up, never mind her sudden expectation that I hold hers too. But no, none of that matters because I didn't jump through whatever imaginary invisible hoops she was holding up. 

And she's right, by the way, there were definite shifts within me at the time and some I didn't see myself until much later. I needed help and support and compassion and none was to be found from my only remaining parent. Not that she'd ever been reliable, but losing both Daddy and Dad so closely together snatched the rug out from under me. It took me a while to find even semi-firm footing again, and even then it was questionable. I'd never realized just how much of a buffer Dad was with her or how badly it was needed. Suddenly she's somehow all up in my grill every time I turned around and I wasn't coping well at all.

[moglow]

I changed my home phone number and refused to give it out to her. She stomped like a bull seeing red to that one. I never gave her an explanation either. I knew it would be futile, I'd be met with more denial,  raging etc, I told her one number is enough.  ...
She also would make half- attempts at "connecting" when it was half attempts. it was always all about her. I'd call her, she'd waif and moan that "I never call her" even though I'd point out I just did. ... One painful memory is I asked her out to dinner for mothers day. She was non commital and I asked her to let me know. Approaching the day, I bring it up again, and she says she made plans with GC sister. I said but I asked you first and you never told me that. She said she couldn't remember who asked her first. But clearly, she chose the GC.
That was such a slap in the face.

Wow. Yes, that's all too familiar. I've yet to understand my mother's obsession with the cell phone - I really think it's just another battle for her, I said no so she has to trample all over it. At this point all she's done is remind me why I blocked it in the first place. Call, don't call, whichever, just stop leaving messages and spending actual phone time to complain a) that I don't call [as if the phone doesn't somehow work both ways?], b) demanding to know YET AGAIN why your cell phone has been blocked, or c) she called and I haven't called her back [hint: leave a freakin message OR don't call me when you know I'm at work].

After the cell phone fracas that led to me blocking her, I told her to pick one - home or cell phone, I was blocking the other one. Period. What I *wasn't* going to do was allow a barrage of her manic texts followed by multiple phone calls/messages, then her refusing to answer when I responded - only for her to call me back within minutes from the other phone number!! Hell. No. Pick one. No? I'm picking for you.

Also played the mother's day lunch game (once!) with her - she cancelled on us last minute one year because she was mad at brother #2. He wasn't invited to this particular lunch since I understood he was out of town at the time anyway, and it never was clear what that mad had to do with us. We actually gave her a chance and rescheduled, only to have her change her mind. Okay, we've not done that again since.

God I hate that all of this is so familiar.  The stories we could tell ...

[Unknown]

Yeah, Moglow, it's startling how our stories seem like from the same person. How can that be? There must be some secret PD manual they read for their M.O.
For me, going NC was impulsive. I was VVLC for several years, but then she did something else that was the final pull of the rug from under me and that was it. I just couldn't tolerate One.More.Act.