Update

[chaosflower]

Hi all,

I posted a couple weeks ago about what I felt was a "last straw"- the PDH depositing funds irresponsibly. Well, a few things have happened since then.

-We did manage to scrape together the funds on his mid-month check, and my paltry (at the moment) self employment income, to pay all of the currently due bills. But end of the month/1st of November is looking dicey, especially for reasons I'm about to get into.

-Big news- we discovered our house has mold, and it has been making all of us (pets included) sick. Related to this, the DH discovered mold in his workplace, which is a grow operation in a very poorly ventilated shed. (weed is legal where we are, and it's big money making business. Which means a lot of people are also getting into shady business practices to make that money, including cutting corners on safety practices.)

-This was adding to the stress a whole lot, since certain things were happening that I thought/hoped we wouldn't ever go through again. When the DH is sick from mold, he gets hyper, aggressive and crazy. Since most of the places we could afford to live during the past 6y had at least some evidence of mold in them, it's hard to say whether or how much this has been affecting his health/personality/behaviors. Things had somewhat calmed down after we moved here 2y ago, but the re-appearance of him hacking and coughing up a lung (while being only 38 and otherwise super healthy), and suddenly doing things that made less and less sense, was telling.  So was all of our symptoms easing up once I started using a dehydrator in the house and cleaning things up.

-unfortunately, the re-appearance of mold sickness and general stress response leads to me getting hella triggered with complex PTSD symptoms. Maybe triggering for him too, who knows. So at this point it's hard to say how much his PD type behaviors are due to environment or anxiety. EXCEPT...

-He gained this friend, C., on his last job, whom he suddenly buddied up with. He started not coming home and spending all his free time with this one guy. (is this normal 38 year old guy behavior these days, or is this weird? I have a tough time knowing.) Mostly sitting around smoking weed and maybe some beers, nothing excessive, but definitely not being around hardly at all, and being unpleasant or passed out when he WAS around. Nothing around the house or with our various projects were getting done. I should know better than to try and rely on him for helping with things, but we did build a creative co-career over a number of years, so now he's signed up for some tasks he needs to follow up on.

-Not, at first, being clear on why things were happening, I chalked it up to him trying to pull something over on me- because I could FEEL something was wrong, and he's an easy suspect. Especially when maybe 75% of the friends he makes seem to have SERIOUS problems. I mean like severe mental illness, addictions, DV, criminal histories, etc. He's compassionate and non judgemental and wants to help others, he says. He used to identify with people worse off than him until he realized HOW worse off they were, he says. But he keeps doing the same things and being attracted to the same people. The current buddy, "C", also has a criminal background for example. Plus a wife he seems to have a lot of conflict with, even though she just had their new baby. The DH seems to think a LOT about things that are... well... antisocial. He's attracted to other antisocial characters, for sure, even though he wouldn't perhaps see it that way. I've gotten to know his family and it's clear that mental illness run in the lineage- possibly PD's in particular, but definitely historical trauma too.

-So, smelling a rat, I tried to set some hard boundaries with the DH. Focusing on honesty/transparency, responsible co-money handling, asking instead of acting intimidatingly to get what he wants, etc. I made them as super clear as I could. I also made it clear I wasn't just going to go back to the status quo.

-A lot of arguing on top of arguing and justifying that had already been going on. He expressed feeling guilty and bad over mis-handling of funds and situations (although still feeling jealous/resentful about house guest.) He regrets things that happened that've hurt me... but could only come up with bare minimum AFA solutions, mostly just getting huffy and defensive.

-Things came to a climax this week, when he got called out by the boss for taking photos of safety problems at work and talking with a co-worker about not feeling safe. They put him on leave "until it's safe for him to come back".

-Then, on the same day, he says he happened to get a call from his buddy C, who is working at a new weed job about an hour or 2 away. DH had been making inquires about maybe also getting hired on there, b/c it's much better employment. But hadn't heard back. Suddenly on the same day he ran out of work at the old job, he was invited to come down to the warehouse for the new job. He is supposed to be joining in on a harvest that is going to last up to a couple weeks and is supposed to make a lot of $$.

-We took a little time to talk things out and realize that maybe we were fine when things aren't intolerably stressful. Then he said he had to leave right away, also same day, to go to this new job. He took my car, some bedding, left me $150, and took off.

-He said he'd have some Wi-Fi service where he was going, so he'd be able to at least try and text or call once a day. It's now been over 24hrs and I haven't heard one little peep out of him.

Part of me is trying hard to reconcile all of this news... sort through meanings and significances... giving him the benefit of the doubt, as one is supposed to in a "normal, healthy" marriage... I mean he did say at one point he felt he needed to nope out and just take some time to himself to think things over, which would be fair.

But... part of me is seriously wondering if I'm ever gonna see him- or my car- or any of this supposed awesome new income for the start of next month- ever again.... and compulsively trying to work out contingency plans

At least, no matter how ill and out of it I was, I managed to get us a low-income home repair loan to start some work...

[bloomie]

Hi chaosflower - a lot of confusing messages here with your H's words and behaviors. I am thankful you are finding ways to manage your immediate financial and health needs and keep yourself afloat. You are wise to work on those contingency plans!

[1footouttadefog]

Glad you are strong and can see the reality of what is done over what is said.

Stay strong.  Get yourself healthy and practice self care. 

Time will tell where he is at and in the mean time plan for the worse case scenario with contingencies.