Time to get out cptsd or bpd

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Whitesheep45

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Time to get out cptsd or bpd
« on: October 20, 2019, 12:14:45 PM »
Oh how did I end up trying to disentangle myself fr another highly emotionally unstable person...
Ha I know because I needed to have this friendship to help me realise further :my strong boundaries, my self containment, my rights, my- I am not responsible for anyone else and just what a healthy friendship looks like.
I've long been the person who walks into a room and chooses the v person that I really shouldn't. I'm starting to see more clearly why and I'm starting to feel I have a choice.
The above said 'friend' has become much more unstable this past year. Before that I was seeing signs that weren't right for me ie lack of empathy, gas lighting, all or nothing behaviours, being projected on etc. This last Yr however even with putting in strong boundaries its not enough and I can see I've exhausted all possibilities and its time to end this relationship.
Now comes the question is the how to do it...
I am going to keep it short and direct, assertive, yet with a hint of kind.
This relationship is too emotionally charged and difficult and I need to walk away and end the relationship  .. (or words to that effect.. Anyone with experience in this area I'd be happy to hear.
My fear is of her gaslighting,
Exploding, interigating or worse doing something to herself...
Any wisdom in this please I'd like to hear

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Penny Lane

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Re: Time to get out cptsd or bpd
« Reply #1 on: October 22, 2019, 04:33:25 PM »
 :bighug:

This is really hard. Good for you for recognizing the toxic patterns and removing yourself.

Remember that once a toxic person leaves your life, there's all of a sudden tons of room for healthier relationships.

My suggestion is to not do this in person. It sounds like it might not be safe for you and definitely won't be productive.

In fact, depending on the level of friendship, it might make the most sense to do a fade-out rather than a firm ending. Become more boring, less available, less interesting and interested. It takes longer but might prevent some harassment in the future. This really depends on the person; I bet your gut can tell you if it feels right.

Good luck.

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Whitesheep45

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Re: Time to get out cptsd or bpd
« Reply #2 on: November 18, 2019, 06:30:59 PM »
Thank you penny Lane
A good suggestion and one that others have made too..
Yes
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Become more boring, less available, less interesting and interested.

This is so good

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cookiecat

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Re: Time to get out cptsd or bpd
« Reply #3 on: November 18, 2019, 06:59:24 PM »
No advice to add but I totally feel your comment about walking into a room and choosing the one person who is bad for me!  I had a friend who became unstable, partially due to illness and partially, I believe, due to some old FOO issues that the illness brought up to the surface.  I tried the fade away and she was not having it lol.   But either way, my life is so much better not having such a toxic person in it as I’m sure yours will be also ❤️

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Whitesheep45

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Re: Time to get out cptsd or bpd
« Reply #4 on: November 21, 2019, 06:02:04 PM »
Thanks cookie.. I put a final no text boundary in this week and it felt v final.
Sad I've had some good times with this person abait always intense really when I look at it...
I so hope and pray I can form a healthy friendship one day

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cookiecat

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Re: Time to get out cptsd or bpd
« Reply #5 on: November 26, 2019, 10:50:58 PM »
Whitesheep45,   I have found I’ve really had to work on myself in regards to healthy friendships.  I had to learn it is NOT normal to text all day (and conversely, if someone doesn’t respond right away, it doesn’t mean I did something wrong).  I’ve had to sort of detox myself from thinking only friendships with these chaotic drama-filled toxic people are fun/exciting.  One of the last times my ex narc friend texted me with another ad nauseam “crisis”, I noticed the adrenaline surge at the thought of being needed/getting attention even though it wasn’t healthy attention.  I realized that it was sick on my part to get such an adrenaline rush because it was like I was trained to always be her sounding board/problem solver.   Anyway, it just took awhile to stop attracting friendships of people who were “projects”.   I literally had to retrain myself, lol.  Anyway, best of luck to you on this friendship journey  :)

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Whitesheep45

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Re: Time to get out cptsd or bpd
« Reply #6 on: November 27, 2019, 04:58:51 AM »
I hear you cookie cat yes indeed retraining is where it is at....