Former FIL (NPD?) just died

[Poison Ivy]

Because of his negative effect on my ex-husband and me and our marriage and our children, I feel as though I'm experiencing the death of my marriage again.  I'd appreciate any thoughts about this phenomenon.  I'm trying to take the advice that I gave one of my daughters when she was deciding whether to go to the funeral:  just sit with your feelings for awhile.  (She decided to go to the funeral; I almost certainly won't.) If you have any other tips, I'd appreciate them.  Thank you. 

[Penny Lane]

 

My best tip is, feel your feelings and honor them. Not just around whether you should go to the funeral but about the whole thing. Death is complicated and death of someone we disliked is sometimes even more so. You're not back at square one or anything if you're having to relive some of the bad times. Know that your feelings are normal and okay, and really give yourself space to process. Be really gentle with yourself and avoid telling yourself what you "should" do.

I hope you get some peace out of all of this.

[Poison Ivy]

Thank you, Penny Lane!

[Poison Ivy]

Update:  I'm not going to the funeral, but my children both decided to attend and arrived in state a few days ago.  I have been trying to let them know I can help but otherwise not insert myself into the situation.  I see this gathering of my ex and his siblings as a time for them to possibly have some frank conversations and figure out ways to more equitably share the caregiving burden going forward.  My ex has been his parents' full-time, 24/7 caregiver for 4 or 5 years and was doing it part time before then for a few years.  The likely "NPD" in this group was my ex's dad, the one who died over the weekend.  Ex's mom has late-stage Alzheimer's disease and will continue to require full-time care until her death, whenever that might occur. My ex likely has an "A" (avoidant) or "D" (dependent) personality disorder.  I've received some communications from our children indicating that the dynamics among their dad and his siblings are difficult and painful to witness.  I feel comfortable with my level of involvement, and I think it's useful for this stuff to be out on the table without the crabby (I would have used another word, but I don't want to offend anyone) ex-wife (i.e., me) to be there as a potential distraction.