Trouble pulling the trigger

Doggo · October 21, 2019, 10:54:50 AM

I have everything in place--lawyer working on prepping to file, apt at my brother's to move to--and yesterday my realtor called me out of the blue to say that the buyer who had made us an offer when the house was briefly up for sale in August, is STILL interested and would even do a delayed closing for me. I feel like if I sell the house then I am pulling the trigger on divorcing--and despite everything that I have realized about my marriage to the uPDh and all the things I am not getting/putting up with in this marriage--I feel like I can't move forward and pull the trigger. It feels like it will be such a massive change to how I've lived for the past 19 years--he is with me almost ALL the time--that I can't envision what my life will be like.

Meantime, he is Hoovering like mad--or maybe it's a real change, but too soon to tell. He apologizes for talking over me or insisting that HIS opinions are right; he is doing chores around the house, and trying not to be so dependent on me and motivating himself to get up off the computer/porn and do things...

I feel so stuck and overwhelmed by the sadness of things ending--even if he was only ever the husband that I needed and wanted in my head, not reality.

capybara · October 21, 2019, 11:45:54 AM

I feel for you! BPDH has moved out and is waiting for me to tell him whether I am interested in reconciling. I am dreading making that decision.

Living separately does make it easier to feel my own emotions, though, not just his...

Spygirl · October 21, 2019, 02:23:38 PM

Something to consider, having been here myself almost 2 years ago and VERY AFRAID of my expdh, and the unknown.

Sometimes the universe has other plans for us, and it pushes us to the brink of madness to make it happen. To save ourselves.
I used to fight it. Most of my life. Over concerned about the feelings and motivations of others. Enslaving myself voluntarily. I have since realized that i had important lessons to learn, and boy i learned them!
I have been rolling with the tide for a year now, and its remarkable how well its going. Its actually wierd. Literally like its supposed to happen. Your situation is moving a similar way.

Fortune favors the bold. Will you pass this up and regret it later? How will you handle things going right back to staus quo if you stay? What do YOU want out of the rest of YOUR life? How do you want to see your old age?

The unknown, its kind of like taking a rollercoaster into a tunnel. It is so scary rolling down into it. Once on the other side, all there is is light and fresh air.

notrightinthehead · October 21, 2019, 02:53:34 PM

Doggo, did this not start with an ultimatum? Do I remember it wrong? I seem to remember that you gave a deadline by what time he was supposed to have found a job and be gainfully employed or you are out. Has this happened? Is he gainfully employed by now?

Doggo · October 21, 2019, 04:40:32 PM

Spygirl: [[I used to fight it. Most of my life. Over concerned about the feelings and motivations of others. Enslaving myself voluntarily. I have since realized that i had important lessons to learn, and boy i learned them!
I have been rolling with the tide for a year now, and its remarkable how well its going. Its actually wierd. Literally like its supposed to happen. Your situation is moving a similar way.]]
It's so hard, being on this side of things--especially with his having calmed down in the past 3 months--I can't imagine light on the other side. Or trusting the universe.

Notrightinthehead:
Yes, it started with an ultimatum. Several in fact. Here's the problem:

He has final appeal on a disability case pending. We are SUPPOSED to get a court date this month, his lawyer has told us (hah). So he can't take a job until he gets a final ruling.

it's kind of a big deal--if he gets disability, his defaulted student loans will be covered. And he will have health ins coverage, so I no longer have to pay a fortune to cover him.

SO...how much time do I give him, given that--or is that just an excuse I am telling myself since there are other problems (see, eg, porn addiction, online chatting with 20 yr old chickie babies all day, living his entire life thru me). It's hard for me to figure out--he has made consistent changes in how he is relating to me, including giving me space and attempting not to live my life for me; respecting boundaries I am setting, recognizing and apologizing when he oversteps boundaries.

I'm not sure how I want to spend the rest of my life--it really does come down to that. If you asked me last week, I would tell you that I absolutely was leaving. Then I went away on a business trip and he actually functioned on his own without my being home or texting him to tell him to, eg, feed the dogs and walk the dogs. So I came home with less anger, and am wavering again

Wandering soul · October 22, 2019, 01:05:07 PM

Doggo....

Please know you are not alone.
Please know, this IS how they operate. As soon as you show strength, they "fix their act" so you won't end it. I cannot tell you how many times I have been through this cycle. I would end up thinking, SEE this IS the man I married and want to be with. And AS SOON AS I would move back towards closeness, he would snap back to reality. They are on their best behavior when they think they are going to lose you.

When is YOUR happiness going to take precedence? If you have taken as many steps as you have, why stop? Why would anyone be driven to take these steps, if some part of them didn't feel they were the steps that should be taken?

In no way am I pressuring or persuading. Only you know what is best for you. But in my experience, no one asked me these things. I received endless amounts of pressure to try to make it work, from every direction possible (including my own self of course) but could NEVER shake the feeling that I DIDNT WANT IT TO WORK.

No relationship should require drastic change in order for one or both people to be happy. If someone can't make you happy today, they never will. Acknowledging this is so important to be able to learn to differentiate between healthy and healthy people.

YOU deserve happiness.

capybara · October 22, 2019, 01:49:52 PM

Wandering Soul, I just did a long post about having feelings similar to Doggo's. Thank you for your reply here, it was just what I needed to read.

Doggo · October 22, 2019, 02:41:08 PM

Quote from: Wandering soul on October 22, 2019, 01:05:07 PM
Doggo....

Please know you are not alone.
Please know, this IS how they operate. As soon as you show strength, they "fix their act" so you won't end it. I cannot tell you how many times I have been through this cycle. I would end up thinking, SEE this IS the man I married and want to be with. And AS SOON AS I would move back towards closeness, he would snap back to reality. They are on their best behavior when they think they are going to lose you.

When is YOUR happiness going to take precedence? If you have taken as many steps as you have, why stop? Why would anyone be driven to take these steps, if some part of them didn't feel they were the steps that should be taken?

In no way am I pressuring or persuading. Only you know what is best for you. But in my experience, no one asked me these things. I received endless amounts of pressure to try to make it work, from every direction possible (including my own self of course) but could NEVER shake the feeling that I DIDNT WANT IT TO WORK.

No relationship should require drastic change in order for one or both people to be happy. If someone can't make you happy today, they never will. Acknowledging this is so important to be able to learn to differentiate between healthy and healthy people.

YOU deserve happiness.

Thank you. He has backed WAY off on pressuring me about things, including pressure to say 'love you.' It's kind of a not-comfortable feeling because I didn't say that I needed him to do that specifically, but he just watches me like a hawk

Interestingly, if anything, friends and family are pressuring me the other way--to leave. They tell me I have already lost myself, in that I am accepting things from him that I never previously would have accepted in a relationship--the endless porn, the online girlfriends every day, the open marriage, the not working for 13 years (and working for 6 years with a woman who was his girlfriend)

I just read a book called Dance of Anger, which said this: Guilt and self doubt are the surest ways to avoid feeling anger at your unmet needs.
That really hit home for me--just wish I could find a way past my guilt and self-doubt

As for what you said--thank you, that's exactly what I feel I am going thru, including the "THIS is the man I thought I married." I keep falling for it. Less than before, bu it is still happening.

Wandering soul · October 22, 2019, 05:03:20 PM

Quote from: capybara on October 22, 2019, 01:49:52 PM
Wandering Soul, I just did a long post about having feelings similar to Doggo's. Thank you for your reply here, it was just what I needed to read.

It gives me strength to know I am not alone. You are not either. Please come back for as much encouragement as needed. I know I will <3

Wandering soul · October 22, 2019, 05:17:42 PM

Quote from: Doggo on October 22, 2019, 02:41:08 PM
Quote from: Wandering soul on October 22, 2019, 01:05:07 PM
Doggo....

Please know you are not alone.
Please know, this IS how they operate. As soon as you show strength, they "fix their act" so you won't end it. I cannot tell you how many times I have been through this cycle. I would end up thinking, SEE this IS the man I married and want to be with. And AS SOON AS I would move back towards closeness, he would snap back to reality. They are on their best behavior when they think they are going to lose you.

When is YOUR happiness going to take precedence? If you have taken as many steps as you have, why stop? Why would anyone be driven to take these steps, if some part of them didn't feel they were the steps that should be taken?

In no way am I pressuring or persuading. Only you know what is best for you. But in my experience, no one asked me these things. I received endless amounts of pressure to try to make it work, from every direction possible (including my own self of course) but could NEVER shake the feeling that I DIDNT WANT IT TO WORK.

No relationship should require drastic change in order for one or both people to be happy. If someone can't make you happy today, they never will. Acknowledging this is so important to be able to learn to differentiate between healthy and healthy people.

YOU deserve happiness.

Thank you. He has backed WAY off on pressuring me about things, including pressure to say 'love you.' It's kind of a not-comfortable feeling because I didn't say that I needed him to do that specifically, but he just watches me like a hawk

Interestingly, if anything, friends and family are pressuring me the other way--to leave. They tell me I have already lost myself, in that I am accepting things from him that I never previously would have accepted in a relationship--the endless porn, the online girlfriends every day, the open marriage, the not working for 13 years (and working for 6 years with a woman who was his girlfriend)

I just read a book called Dance of Anger, which said this: Guilt and self doubt are the surest ways to avoid feeling anger at your unmet needs.
That really hit home for me--just wish I could find a way past my guilt and self-doubt

As for what you said--thank you, that's exactly what I feel I am going thru, including the "THIS is the man I thought I married." I keep falling for it. Less than before, bu it is still happening.

It can be so hard to know if friends and family are coming from the right place. If you feel they are and they love and support you, please know this is a blessing.

Thank you for the great quote from such a great book (and author, Harriet Lerner really is a gifted writer)
My two cents, focus on your unmet needs, not your guilt/doubt.
It wasn't until I felt the RAGE of NOT having a sexual relationship with my HUSBAND, while he too spent HOURS looking at porn (causing him to fail at classes in school, get next to no sleep, etc) that I had the energy to make change. Anger is a gift. It is an indication that something isn't right, and if one can remain calm enough, the energy of this anger can be turned into action to create change.
-- I say this with knowledge, but my own application has been difficult. Very difficult. So please know, I know, it is easier said than done.

Sometimes, I have also considered what WOULD cause me to finally file for divorce. Everything I could think of, was already happening.

It sounds like you have the upper hand Doggo. You can sell the house, move out, let him fall flat on his face. You don't exist to support him. If it is safe, freedom may be closer than you think. This doesn't make it any easier, but as someone who has had to gracefully get him to understand divorce is better (I made a MAJOR mistake when I started a business and gave him an ownership %) I can promise it sounds like you are creating YOUR light at the end of the tunnel. GOOD FOR YOU!!!

Sending hugs and tissues to everyone. <3

Doggo · October 22, 2019, 07:09:23 PM

[[I felt the RAGE of NOT having a sexual relationship with my HUSBAND, while he too spent HOURS looking at porn (causing him to fail at classes in school, get next to no sleep, etc) ]]

He did this for years--I didnt realize it. Then i went thru menopause; had physical problems impacting our sex life--and lost interest in him as well, due to underlying anger at him I didn't recognize. So he blames his porn addiction on me. Though he has had it since we met.

[[You can sell the house, move out, let him fall flat on his face. ]] See...I can't face that. But yeah, upper hand--it's creating his big hoovering now.

Wandering soul · October 23, 2019, 01:48:24 PM

Doggo,

"[[You can sell the house, move out, let him fall flat on his face. ]] See...I can't face that. But yeah, upper hand--it's creating his big hoovering now."

I am not literally asking you to respond here, but putting the idea out there to question -- why you cant face that?

I PROMISE so much of your story sounds so similar to mine. The house we live in is mine, not ours. The idea of making him leave killed me for so long. I wondered who could be so mean that they would put their own spouse/soon to be ex spouse on the street....and things of that nature.
Some serious counseling and EMDR ((PLEASE consider this option, EVERYONE)) later, it hit me like a ton of bricks. NO ONE would want to put their spouse on the street. Realizing I DID want to..... made me realize it is HIS BEHAVIOR that causes me to want him to leave.
It ISNT me, I am not some cold, cruel bad guy. I wouldn't want him to leave if he treated me well.
---- I KNOW this all sounds so simple but I cannot stress how much work and time it took me to get here.

Take your time. Forcing yourself in any direction isnt best for YOU.

Mitchy · October 23, 2019, 03:31:30 PM

Thank you so much for sharing what you are going through. It was really needed today. I filed on the 11th of this month and I've seen my PDh cycle through every version of himself. From the angry, hateful, controlling to the pathetic, no one loves me and then to the acting as if nothing is wrong person. He refuses to leave the house so we are "co-existing" in one place until I can get a court order saying he has to leave. He's made threats about financially ruining me. He's even threatened suicide. But I know deep down in my soul that the minute he gets what he wants, which is nothing at all changing, that the kids and I will be back in a daily hell. It's "easier" to stay with the devil you know. But the lightness I have felt since I filed is so sweet that no matter what happens, rest assured it will be worth a little pain to feel that lightness on a regular basis.

You are not alone. So many of us are or have been there. Stay strong and listen to what the universe is telling you. The signs are always pointing us in the right direction, if we choose to follow them.

Stay strong!!

Doggo · October 24, 2019, 01:44:37 PM

Thank you Mitchy and Wandering Soul. I am still wallowing in obligation and guilt, obviously. I CHOSE this relationship, knowing full well he would see other women and had a 'high sex drive." And I put up with it for 19 years. THerefore it is wrong/mean/bad/deceitful of me to change my mind and decide, gee, I didn't agree to 19 years of not working a real job, not bringing in money, and spending all night on porn/chat sites. Or to his NEVER having friends or doing things on his own and his ALWAYS being with me at his insistence.

So I am ping-ponging back and forth between those sets of thoughts--my therapist tells me it is ok and normal to have ad feelings and regrets and to question yourself--but that I am still moving forward despite all of the above. And to keep looking back 5 yrs and ahead 5 yrs--where have I been and where do I want to be when I am 65 and wanting to retire but still supporting his--let's get real here--his lazy ass. (Anger much? Yay--I need my anger right now and too often I sink back into, oh the poor pitiful man)