My mother passed away

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guitarman

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My mother passed away
« on: October 21, 2019, 10:56:55 PM »
Dear friends

Some sad news. My lovely mother passed away yesterday evening at home with only me by her side. She was 92 years young. It was all so peaceful and beautiful. She just calmly and quietly slipped away. She had been refusing food and drink for many days.

My family took advice and didn't want her to go to hospital and have any aggressive interventions. My uBPD/uNPD sister wanted her to go there and have saline drips. She wanted private doctors and nurses to treat her at home. The NHS doctors and hospice nurses kept gently repeating the phrase about "doing what was in my mother's best interests". She was living with Alzheimer's disease for many years. Since being diagnosed with pneumonia in January this year she was unable to walk and was doubly incontinent. She never ever complained or got upset. She lived with such dignity. She was always so funny and kind.

My sister only visited her about six times this year. She lives nearby. I could say more about my sister's behaviour but would rather be thinking about my mother at this time. I've been talking about my sister a lot over recent days. She's said so many deeply hurtful things that I've had to just let them all go and not react to them all. I'm so used to all the abuse and don't react but when I tell other people they are shocked by what she has said.

I could say so much more but am so tired.

Best wishes to you all.

Much love.

Guitarman XXX
"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

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moglow

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Re: My mother passed away
« Reply #1 on: October 21, 2019, 11:05:21 PM »
I'm so sorry for your loss, Guitarman. Hold your sweet memories of your mother and do whatever you need to say goodbye.

There are never adequate words but know that we're here with you.

 
ďNothing exposes our true self more than how we treat each other in the home.Ē  ~ Joseph B. Wirthlin

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!

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GettingOOTF

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Re: My mother passed away
« Reply #2 on: October 21, 2019, 11:28:18 PM »
I am sorry for your loss.

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notrightinthehead

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Re: My mother passed away
« Reply #3 on: October 22, 2019, 04:28:40 AM »
Guitarman, I am sorry for your loss. 

Our march to freedom is irreversible. We must not allow fear to stand in our way.  Nelson Mandela

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practical

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Re: My mother passed away
« Reply #4 on: October 22, 2019, 10:17:33 AM »
I'm so sorry for your loss. Your mother sounds like a wonderful, warm, loving person. Staying with thoughts of her rather than letting your sisters abuse enter your world at this time seems a very wise and healthy decision and a way to assure space for your own feelings.
ďIf Iím not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Iím only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when?Ē (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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Bloomie

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Re: My mother passed away
« Reply #5 on: October 22, 2019, 11:01:31 AM »
Guitarman what a beautiful tribute to your mother. How wonderful that you were able to be at her side. Strength and comfort to you in the coming days.
"You can understand and have compassion for someone and still not want a relationship with them."
Amanda E. White, LPC @therapyforwomen

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Adria

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Re: My mother passed away
« Reply #6 on: October 22, 2019, 11:35:18 AM »
Guitarman,

I am so sorry for your loss. She sounded like a beautiful woman. Hugs to you, Adria

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blacksheep7

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Re: My mother passed away
« Reply #7 on: October 22, 2019, 11:39:09 AM »
My condolences Guitarman.
I may be the black sheep of the family, but some of the white sheep are not as white as they try to appear.

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athene1399

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Re: My mother passed away
« Reply #8 on: October 22, 2019, 11:48:39 AM »
I am sorry for your loss.

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appaloosa

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Re: My mother passed away
« Reply #9 on: October 23, 2019, 10:31:40 AM »
I'm sorry for your loss. What a gift for your mom, to be able to pass peacefully at home. As a nurse, I can say that being in a hospital with all the 'interventions' is seldom in the best interests of an elderly, terminally ill person. Your mom sounds like a beautiful human being.

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guitarman

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Re: My mother passed away
« Reply #10 on: October 24, 2019, 07:18:39 PM »
Thank you for all your kind messages.

I had to call my uBPD/uNPD sister this evening. She's not called me. We need to make decisions about the funeral. Why did I think that she would ever change? I had this thought that she would just go along with what was decided. She said things that I didn't react to. I stayed calm. She was talking about how ill she is and that I don't care.

I'm so tired I've been calling people all day and evening and tracking down long lost relatives that I haven't seen for years. It's been lovely to catch up with them.

We've got to make a decision tomorrow about something so we'll have to go ahead whether she likes what has been chosen, or not. Otherwise it will be too late.

What should be a calm, reflective, supporting time could turn into a total stressful disaster. Why did I think it would be any different?!

I'm staying calm but she can provoke me to anger if I'm not careful. X
"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

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TriedTooHard

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Re: My mother passed away
« Reply #11 on: October 24, 2019, 08:48:01 PM »
My condolences.  Wishing you peace as you pay tribute to your mother.

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hhaw

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Re: My mother passed away
« Reply #12 on: October 24, 2019, 09:31:44 PM »
GM:

I'm so sorry to hear your lovely mother passed. 

Adjust your expectations regarding your sister, and honor your mother the way you need to.   It's sad that your sister can rob you of the joyful memories and celebration of your mother's life.  I hope you can find a way to limit her ability to get inside your head. 

Good luck planning the service.   If you still have things to say to your mother, I always find letter writing to be very cathartic.  I tuck the letter, and photos in with my loved one, and it brings much comfort. 






hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

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WomanInterrupted

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Re: My mother passed away
« Reply #13 on: October 25, 2019, 02:45:18 AM »
I'm so sorry about your mom, Guitarman.

Do whatever you need to do in regard to your mom's funeral - don't worry about your sister.  If she can't behave like a civilized human being, she gets no say, and nobody to communicate with.

Have the funeral you know your mom would like, and you can live with.  If your sister wants to make it about her, that's just too bad.

With luck, she won't show up, being so "ill" and all.  I think that would be for the best - those who attend can pay their respects, in peace, without having to deal with whatever show your sister wants to put on.

Don't hold off on decisions because your sister is acting like a flake -make them, and be *proud* of how far you've come!   :yes:

After the funeral, I suggest you block your sister's number - she'll probably still be "ill"  and the only thing that will cure her is going through your mom's stuff, looking for items to sell - and hoping to get her toe back in your door.

They know when we're at our most vulnerable, which is why you have to be on your guard - and toes - not only do you want to prevent her from creating chaos, but prevent her from getting into your head, too.

Again, I'm so sorry.

 :hug:

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SunnyMeadow

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Re: My mother passed away
« Reply #14 on: October 25, 2019, 07:44:14 PM »
Thinking of you Guitarman. I'm sorry for your loss.

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Hikercymru

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Re: My mother passed away
« Reply #15 on: October 26, 2019, 06:27:34 AM »
Hi Guitarman
I am sorry to hear your sad news.
Your mother sounds like a wonderful person, and she was blessed to have you by her side, fulfilling her last wishes. That is awesome.
The grief will last, and your love for her will not be diminished by your sister's actions.
Sending my love
H

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xredshoesx

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Re: My mother passed away
« Reply #16 on: October 26, 2019, 11:31:39 AM »
sending you my deepest condolences and hopes that you and your loved ones find peace in the wonderful memories of her. 

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bgirl12

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Re: My mother passed away
« Reply #17 on: October 27, 2019, 11:12:36 PM »
Guitarman,

I am so sorry that you went through this but I am sooooo glad you were by her side. Take some time for yourself. Good for you for just letting your sister alone. No reason to get into it. Your pain grief and what you are going through are more important than anything. Hugs.

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Spring Butterfly

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Re: My mother passed away
« Reply #18 on: October 28, 2019, 08:10:47 AM »
My heart hurts for you - I'm so very sorry for your loss and the added pain having to deal with your sibling on this level. Stay strong and focused, for your own self and in your mother's honor.
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guitarman

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Re: My mother passed away
« Reply #19 on: October 28, 2019, 03:37:09 PM »
Itís been a week since my mother passed away. It really hasnít hit me yet. Everything is a bit surreal. My feelings are all over the place mainly acceptance but regret, sadness, loss and love for my mother. I think she had just had enough and wasnít eating or drinking any more.

Weíve got the funeral to plan. We had a meeting with the celebrant today. My sister wasnít going to come but turned up. She was talking a lot about herself and I think even followed the celebrant outside to chat him up! She behaved herself for the most part but had a swearing outburst at our brother at one point when it was just the family.

Iíve been staying with a brother and his family which has been good but back home now.

Iíll miss all my motherís regular carers as I got to know them over a long time. That has all come to an end.

Some places have offered me bereavement counselling so I may take them up on that.

Thank you for all your touching messages. X
"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author