My mother passed away

[goodgirl]

Guitarman, I have been off the forum for a good while, but just checked in today and saw your news. I am so sorry. I lost my father almost a year ago to Alzheimer's, and it is a monstrous disease. I am still trying to wrap my head around his loss: I miss him terribly, but I am grateful that he is no longer suffering, too. And then I feel guilty for feeling grateful. It's a process.

I hope your service goes well. I would enlist your siblings or a close friend to be my lookup and provide a buffer just in case Sister decides to confront you in any way.

You were such a loving son to your mother, and that is something that should sustain you in the coming days.

[nanotech]

Dear guitarman I'm so sorry I missed this when you first posted.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Those words you wrote about your mum show what a lovely woman and mum she was.
I do hope your sister doesn't cause you any  pain during this very sad time. 
Thoughts with you.🙏🏻

[hhaw]

I didn't know your mother, Guitarman,  but the choice to stop participating in life, after years of living in decline, can be a very brave one, IME. 

I have children, and I understand the desire to end one's own suffering, and suffering reflected in the eyes of beloved children.

Your mother isn't suffering any longer. 
She's at peace.
I hope you feel her near you, restored, and smiling, because death is a natural part of living... it's not the end, IME.   
   

This too shall pass, ((GM and family.))

[guitarman]

Thank you all for your kind words. My mother's funeral is tomorrow morning. It's gone midnight and I'm still awake. I don't want tomorrow to come. I expect I'll be awake all night.

I left a message on my sister's answerphone telling her at what time to arrive at the home from where the hearse and cars will be leaving. There is a place for her in the limousine. She's said before that she might not come. She said that when our father passed away but turned up at his funeral.

This is all so painful. I'm a complete mess. I felt I was going to collapse earlier but feel better now. I've got most things ready just got to iron my white shirt. I've been putting photos I had printed out from my phone into an album. So many happy memories of my mother.

Best wishes

Guitarman X

[Spring Butterfly]

Sending you thoughts for strength and peace.

[moglow]

Thinking of you today, Guitarman. I remember those sleepless restless nights, snag a nap or some quiet time when you can. Every little bit helps.

Know that you're not alone - we're here with you, if only in spirit.

[guitarman]

My sister behaved herself at our mother's funeral today. There were no outbursts. She gave a glowing tribute to our mother.

It was a beautiful sunny day and a beautiful service with lots of moving music.

I can't believe what has happened to our lovely mother. Although she was very frail and elderly it was all a shock. I thought that she had turned a corner and would overcome a recent illness but she wasn't strong enough.

I'm too tired to write any more. Thank you for all your support and understanding.

Best wishes

Guitarman X

[nanotech]

Bless you guitarman. I hope you are okay. Thinking of you xx🙏🏻🌼

[Healing Finally]

Hi Guitarman  ;

So sorry to hear about your Mother's passing.  I imagine this is a huge life change for you.  I've been gone from this forum for awhile, but do remember that we had a similar situation with a NP sister and enmeshed Mother.  I wonder for you how your regular every day thinking is now that you no longer have that dynamic?  As you were her caretaker, it would make sense if you got some counseling, so hope you do take them up on that offer.

to you

[NotLost]

 I'm very sorry your Mom has passed, Guitarman.  So glad that your final moments with her were peaceful and gentle. I hope you are able to get some rest while grieving and are good to yourself while adjusting to the loss and change.  I can imagine how proud and grateful your Mother must have been to have a kind and loving son.

[guitarman]

My uBPD/uNPD sister called me today just to tell me all her problems. I've not heard from her for maybe a week.

She told me that she is coughing up blood, her heating isn't working, she hasn't got money and is going to a food bank. She said that she won't survive until Christmas.

I didn't say much I just listened. I'm not feeling at all well myself grieving about our mother. She never mentioned her.

I stayed calm but I really felt like shouting at her. Now I'm upset with myself for feeling like that. Now all the adrenaline has kicked in, being on alert again. She rang back but I didn't answer. I'm in no mood to listen to all her anger and misery.

It's the same old waif story. She has to blame someone for all her problems. Usually it's me. She needs professional help. She's never going to change and I can't change her. X

[Spring Butterfly]

You "stayed calm but I really felt like shouting at her. Now I'm upset with myself for feeling like that." Please don't do this to yourself. You have every right to listen to your gut anger at such unhealthy boundaryless behavior. That wanting to shout is just good anger that's signaling you to her boundary stomping behavior. Listen to your gut and continue to protect yourself by laying low and not answering calls. You're not obligated to subscribe to her drama. You need space to grieve.

[guitarman]

Thanks Spring Butterfly. You are right. I'm feeling very fragile and vulnerable at the moment. I'm not in any state yet to even listen to my sister. I have to be fully alert whenever I talk to her. I have to be so careful about what I say and how I say it. She was determined to push all my buttons with her all problems. I didn't let her and stayed calm.

In total contrast I had a lovely call from a cousin in Australia who was so loving and kind. There are really nice, genuine people in this world who don't think about themselves first and who don't want to hurt and abuse people. It's easy to begin to think that everyone is like my sister when, of course, they are not.

X

[nanotech]

Please don't be angry with yourself!
You did really well by not getting sucked into the pattern of conflict.
She rang you back for a second try at it! Well done not picking up!
They make us feel angry 😡. That's normal.
But it will pass.
Adrenaline quietens, and you've done the right thing. Let it quieten, and please don't turn it inward on yourself. Go for a walk instead. That's what I do.
But it all reminds us how dysfunctional they are. We feel upset because we haven't a  normal sibling relationship. When we act as if they ARE normal and are loving and supportive to them, they exploit and wound.
us. Then we blame ourselves!
Well I don't, any more. Don't you do it either.

Can you screen her calls? I think her calls are   seriously damaging to your self -esteem.
Bin them, and just take and enjoy  the healthy relationships, as with your lovely cousin .We're only here once ( unless you're a Buddhist!) Enjoy your life, be conflict free.
You've stopped giving her money. That's great. Please now stop giving her your ears, because by doing that she's able to poke at your soul with a big stick!
  I'm sending hugs 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗

[guitarman]

Thanks. My sister just called me again today. I didn't take her call. She didn't leave a message. I'm just in no mood to listen to her. If she really needs to contact me she can email me.

I won't be going to visit her, but will find it difficult to say no to her if she asks. I haven't visited her for years. I've got to hide from her if she knocks at the door and pretend I'm not in. She might stay for hours if I let her in. She might start ranting and raging or lecturing me. I can never tell how she's going to behave. She's rarely stable and calm. Usually she starts crying then becomes abusive blaming everyone else for her problems.

I've got to look after my own mental and physical health first. I feel I'm near breaking point, like never before. It must be all the grief and stress I've been coping with. She is grieving as well but I just can't support her. I just don't have anything to give. I could become very angry with her but would probably hold it all together as usual and stay calm.

X

[Spring Butterfly]

Remember this that you said was always the only thing that was ever your responsibility and especially more so now.

I've got to look after my own mental and physical health first.

[guitarman]

Thanks. X

[bgirl12]

I am so sorry to hear the news. I am so happy you were able to care for and be there for your lovely mom.  I am very sorry you are in pain and are experiencing much grief.
You have the right idea. Be encouraged and care for yourself. You matter. Take all the time you need. Your sister doesn't need anything from you that can't wait until you are available? You could be available in a few days, weeks, your decision. Hugs to you.

[WomanInterrupted]

Of course you got angry and wanted to shout at her - please don't beat yourself up!

It's *frustrating* when you hear the same old crap, time and time again, over and over like a broken record.  Yes, she's a victim, yes, she's got lung issues, yes, she's broke... 

To keep me sane, I used to play PD Bingo with unBPD Didi.  Whenever she'd hit  upon yet another of her Golden Oldies, I'd put a mental check on that box.   

When I knew she was out of earshot (I'd left or she hung up on me), I'd yell, "BINGO!" because that woman *never* missed a trick. 

It takes your head out of the game so you're really not feeling emotions - you're listening to the words that come out of her mouth while thinking, "Give it a rest, will you!?" 

Emotional distance is *good.*  Your sister won't like it, but that's too bad.

You're absolutely right - you've been through enough and need to focus on YOU. 

You're the star of your own life - not a bit-player in your sister's never-ending drama du jour.

She can solve her own problems.  She's proven she can and will move on to others as long as you're not responsive.

We all react differently to death and we all process it differently.  There's no cookie-cutter way to grieve, and no set timetable - it takes as long as it takes and not a second less.

If I were you, I'd avoid your sister while you grieve, just so she gets the idea you're in no way, shape or form a reliable source of supply, or a way to have her needs met.

Focus on *you* and please treat yourself gently and kindly.  You deserve it. 

[qcdlvl]

I'm sorry for your loss, guitarman.