My mother passed away

[guitarman]

Thank you. On top of everything else I've got a bad cold and cough. I hope I'm not getting flu. I haven't had a flu innoculation yet.

I'm feeling down about everything then happy. It's a weird mixture of emotions relief, happiness, sadness, grief, regret, guilt, anger, love, emptiness, loss, being grateful, unable to do much and so many more.

I don't have much of an appetite but I eat. Usually only something that's easy to prepare with the minimum of effort. I just can't be bothered.

I'm trying to process what has happened to my mother. I still can't quite believe it. It's all so surreal. She was very elderly and frail. I thought she was getting over her last infection but unfortunately didn't. No one else in the family really understands the daily stress I have been coping with for years. I knew this would of course happen one day but it's all been a shock.

It's Christmas soon. Always a stressful time in the family because we never know how my sister will behave. I'm in no Christmas mood at the moment to buy presents or put decorations up. I don't have the energy or interest. We used to do it all for the younger members of the family.

Sorry to be so negative. Maybe I'm just having a few down days. X

[Spring Butterfly]

Go with it, ride the waves, let the emotions flow, rest as needed, focus on taking care of yourself. If you don't want to celebrate in the traditional way it's ok to take time out. Normal, natural grieving, not negative, it just is and it will flow through you if you let it. You will come out the other side when you're ready and in your own time.

[guitarman]

Thank you. X

[Yael924]

Hi Guitarman,
My deepest condolences on the loss of your mother.

She was indeed blessed to have a son as generous, kind, and thoughtful as you. She was so proud of you; I could sense so much love in your posts.

I know this is a tough day for you. I'll be sending prayers for you and your mom.

[guitarman]

Thank you.

It has been the first Christmas without my mother which has been so strange.

I'm staying with one of my siblings and their family over Christmas. Our uBPD/NPD sister was invited for Christmas Day but earlier she said she had heart failure and didn't turn up. She didn't contact me and I've not contacted her even to wish her happy Christmas. She might have had a wonderful day with another family or her friends.

I had an upset stomach but managed to get through the festivities without eating too much. It's so easy to over indulge.

So it's all been surreal without my mother or sister. I've not been coping very well but take every day one day at a time. I only managed to buy Christmas presents for the youngest members of our family. I have found it all too stressful to make decisions about what to buy everyone so for once I didn't. I feel so mean but I did as much as I could. I've not been sleeping well either.

So we had a lovely Christmas Day, as well as we could. At least their weren't any life threatening dramas although we were all wondering if my sister would turn up at any moment. I'm just in no psychological state to help support her and listen to all her problems over and over again.

Hopefully my sister's adult children have been in touch with her, although they don't want much contact with her.

Best wishes

Guitarman X

[nanotech]

I'm sending my thoughts and sympathies to you at this time.
Things are tough for you at the moment.
Does heart failure come and go like that? 
After my auntie died, my dad almost disrupted her funeral,  because he decided  on the morning of it, that he was ill.
We spent all afternoon at the hospital. I went later though- I wasn't going to miss my aunties service and wake when I knew dad was basically fine.
Sigh.
I'm glad your sis didn't show up. Long may it continue.

[guitarman]

Thanks. Still not heard from my sister but expecting an outburst at any time.

X

[Outsiderchild]

Is there a pattern to how long her silent treats last?  Sometimes if I can figure out the pattern of behavior it helps me detach my emotions and keep me from reacting to PD's shenanigans.  It helps me realize just how calculated their behaviors are and that they really do have some control over their chaos when it suits them. 

[guitarman]

There doesn't seem to be any pattern. In the past she seemed to stay away when she had money. Now she knows that I can't give her any so maybe that's why she's not contacted me. Also our mother passed away a few months ago, so that's changed as well. I'm in no mood to console her. I don't know how she will behave if she visits or calls me. I'm trying to look after myself, putting my needs first. I don't want her in my life at this time. I need calm supportive people.

[guitarman]

Still no news from my sister. I've not been in contact with her and she's not contacted me.

I am getting easily triggered by it seems almost anything. Past incidents replay themselves over and over in my head. Now the whole world is concerned about the pandemic. I don't know if I am more worried about contracting the virus or my sister contacting me! Everyone now seems to know what anticipatory dread and hyper vigilance is all about.

I have been participating in daily live Mindfulness meditation sessions online which have helped me stay calm.

All the mental health carers support group meetings that I used to attend have all closed down. However some may start to offer support online instead. Even though my sister is not contacting me I realise that I still need on going support.

Best wishes to all at this difficult time for everyone.

[Adria]

You have my deepest sympathy Guitarman. I glad you have so many fond memories of your mother. So sorry for your loss.

[WomanInterrupted]

UnBPD Didi has been dead over 6 years and unNPD Ray has been in a nursing home for over 4 years.  I've been NC since the beginning - and I still find I need support, even after all that time.   

Just because your sister hasn't been in contact for a few months doesn't make it all go away.  All the damage doesn't get erased.  It doesn't just get noodle-de-poofed away, like magic.

Right after Ray went into the nursing home, I'd gotten POA, and everything was rolling right along in regard to winding down his affairs, I started having panic attacks, which is NOT good when you're driving! 

Yeah!  Behind the wheel!  My car would make one wheeze, shudder, clunk, shimmy, hum or other sound I couldn't identify and I'd just FREAK, thinking I'd be walking home from where Jesus lost his shoes and having to explain to DH that I didn't do anything to the car! 

I'm not exactly sure why I started having panic attacks, but as soon as I started thinking they might be delayed reactions to too much stress, they stopped.

It might be the same thing for you, too - think of it  as you being a nail and all the things with your sister and mom are like being hit with a hammer.

While you're being hit with the hammer, you're okay - or somewhat okay.  You're used to this stuff from your sister and can just ignore her, and you love your mom, so caring for her isn't a big deal - it's stressful, but a labor of love.

Then everything just STOPS.   

Your mother - rest  her soul - has passed and your sister is out there, lurking or doing whatever the hell it is that she does. 

And you have nothing but time to think, reflect and ruminate - wondering when your sister is going to pop  back up, while possibly wishing your sister and mom had traded places and it was your sister who passed away, while your mom recovered - and then you feel guilty/shitty for thinking that way.

If you have had the thought and felt guilty - please  don't.  I think it's normal and natural.  I wondered why my aunt was dying of cancer - she was the nice one - while Didi lived to be horrible yet another day.  It just didn't seem FAIR. 

It really didn't and never will.  My aunt was taken far before her time and Didi squandered what time she had by making life miserable for everybody - including herself.

No doubt your sister is doing the same thing with people who can be of use to her - feed her, support her, give her money or things. 

If she calls and starts moaning her usual shtick - can't breathe, blood coming from her orifices, sick, SO sick, so very, very sick - once you get her off the phone, you might discover something REALLY surprising.

You might start to relax.    The worst happened.  The USUAL happened.  The same-old, same-old happened - she's sick and can't breathe and has no money, can't pay her rent, can't pay to have her computer fixed, can't pay to have her car repaired, and she's eating jam packets and going to a slimming club and nobody cares  - and nothing ever changes.   

In a pandemic world where nobody is really sure what's going on or what comes next, isn't it nice to know that some things just never change? 

Isn't that he most perverse thing of all?   

I used to have a sort of internal chronometer for Didi and Ray - many of us here do.  It's like a Spidey Sense that tingles when it's time for them to call/visit/shatter our quiet and peaceful lives with their chaos and discord.

When that Spidey Sense goes off and nothing happens, it's *weird* - because the Spidey Sense is usually right.

Sometimes it needs to be re-calibrated - and that can mess you up, too, while things shake out and your Spidey Sense figures out what the New Normal is going to be - and if there will be one.

If your usual groups aren't meeting for obvious reasons, you can always post here, and you can always start a journal, which I think is the *best* place to say whatever is on your mind, in any manner you choose. 

I started my journal in 1998, long before I knew about this site and it starts off  with the words, "I didn't ask for this shit."

Not the most elegant of openers, but it cut to the heart of the matter - how I FELT.   

How you feel is important and it *matters.*

Addressing it might help - statements like, "I feel."  "I want."  "I like."  "I hate."

Your journal is yours, and for your eyes only.  Nobody is going to judge or critique it.  Nobody is going to swoop in like The Grammar Police and demand you fix that split infinitive or dangling participle.  Nobody will demand you be linear or stop bouncing from subject to subject as the mood strikes you.

Your journal is your Safe Place and *nobody* can violate that.  It is YOURS and you can say whatever you want, without fear of reprisal.

Be well.  Stay healthy - both physically and mentally! 

[moglow]

Guitarman, you're truly not alone. Grief has a different timetable for everyone, and we all work through as best we can. Don't let yours be about your sister - I understand there's a grieving taking place there too, but try to refocus when you can. You're raw and grieving and everything is likely to hit you wrong right now, and it may be that way for a while. Add in the pandemic and yes, it explodes into more. Makes perfect sense to me.

Write things out when you can, get it out so you can let pieces of it go as you're able. Sometimes for me it's as good as talking it out - writing out the pain and anger then destroying my writing, watching it burn. There's something cleansing and cathartic about it for me, and sometimes nothing less will do. Whatever and however you can, find ways to get it out so it doesn't poison you.

Sending you peace.

[Starboard Song]

 

[guitarman]

Thank you everyone for your replies and kind thoughts.

It's 3am and I just woke from a nightmare. I thought I was doing OK. We are living through scary times as much as I try and be optimistic and positive. I live on my own. Thankfully I have family and friends who call me regularly. I try not to go out and stay in as much as I can where it is safe. We are all in this together. I shouldn't have listened to the news and radio phone in shows. I know that they are trying to give the right information and advice but it all can become overwhelming sometimes.

I heard someone call this virus the Narcissistic Virus. I can relate to that. It's pernicious, relentless, destructive and uncaring about who it damages.

I take part in livestream Mindfulness meditation sessions every day which helps. I posted a link on the "Other Media Resources" section.

May you be well.
May you be happy.
May you be free from suffering.

X

[Starboard Song]

And may you be so well.

I suggest scheduling the times you alot to news, limit yourself to print media, and to only actual news stories that provide important information. The rest is not something you can act upon.

Make sure you get out for walks if you can, or somehow get some sun.

You will be strong. You will be good.

[guitarman]

Thank you.

X

[nanotech]

Sending hugs guitarman. Thinking about you.
Take care. Perhaps sister is staying in due to the current situation, or it maybe the dynamics of your family have now changed forever. Sometimes that happens when a parent passes on.
Keep it in the now.
For now, there is no problem.
Focus on daily routines and add a bit of creativity in for fun.
Painting?
Baking?
I've started baking and doing more gardening and planting flowers and vegetables too.
I'm looking to see if I can make my own incense! Not sure how that will turn out! It's all about using the resources I have, saving money and of course, going out as little as possible.
Jump online for your mindfulness, whether it's your classes or the array of free stuff on there. There's loads.
You introduced me to KrisGodinez,  and that lady has changed the way I think about my family of origin. She showed me how to put boundaries down and keep them beautifully there! Her coaching is amazing! I love her, she's brilliant! If she comes to the UK I will go and see her. Thank you 🙏!  Take care! Stay safe!  🐣😘😎🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗

[guitarman]

I had a Zoom chat this evening with my sister's adult children and my siblings. I've not heard much from the children for a few months. One thinks that they may have had the Coronavirus and has thankfully fully recovered. I already hear from my siblings regularly. Everyone is well and still working.

My sister's children frequently hear from their mother. She's OK. They told me that she believes in some sort of nonsense theory going around about the virus. I thought she would. So nothing has changed. I'm just so glad that I don't hear about all her troubles and worries. It's been such a relief.

We are all going to chat again soon, without my sister being invited.

[nanotech]

That's great that you are in touch with family on zoom- I'm so happy for you about that! .
I'm sorry that someone has felt ill and possibly had the virus, but I'm glad they are feeling better now.
Good that you are getting peace at home
We are simply not responsible for other people's happiness, once they become adults.
It took me a long time to learn this!
Better late than never, otherwise I would still be running myself ragged trying to solve my UNPDsister's problems! 
She's more or less gone no contact with me since I stopped being her ' fixer' and her scapegoat. It wasn't straight away. Truth be told, it's taken her a couple of years to realise that my change of response was going to be permanent. Once I'd  begun to come Out of the FOG I started to see the patterns which would culminate in shunning, (preceded by rudeness and disdain over some perceived slight).
I began to see that she thought she could do anything, and I would just fall back into the old expected patterns of behaviour.  It used to be that I would try to break free, and not contact her, or she would scapegoat me, and give me the silent 'treat'. However it went, it was ALWAYS me who relented, and renewed the contact.
I thought I was ' being the bigger person'. Nope, just codependent!
Anyway it goes to show that she finds it impossible to contact me first! Because now, two years on, since I haven't relented, she hasn't tried for a reconciliation.
Not a peep from her. Her non-action reflects her need to feel superior and I think she longs for how I was before- that I'd make the first move.
She just doesn't want a normal sister to sister bond where of course a straightforward conflict may often arise, but is then resolved in a healthy way.
She's the queen of the passive aggressive attack and she misses attacking me.
However, I've resigned as the victim. 
The validation that she really must be disordered, that has helped me out.
In the end, through her own refusal to accept anything other than a dysfunctional relationship, gave me the proof that I hadn't even looked for. Harsh, but true.

Maybe your sister is getting to that point too? It could be that your medium chill and grey rocking and boundary setting is having the desired effect.