Telling Our Stories

[GettingOOTF]

Do you tell people your stories? Are you open about what happened? I'm thinking specifically about those of us who were in abusive marriages but I guess it could include our upbringing too. I find that easier to talk about my upbringing, like it's more acceptable to grow up poor, with parents with addiction issues and the abuse that goes along with it. In many ways I feel like people admire that I came so far.

I feel nothing but shame around my abusive marriage. I don't want to talk about it. I'm so ashamed of what I let him do. I worry that if anyone knew they couldn't look at me any more or they'd think that it was ok to do those things to me too.

This inability to talk about it is causing  serious issues in my dating life. I have these boundaries or things I need a bit more understanding and support to feel safe doing, but I'm too scared and ashamed to explain why so I end up looking crazy, closed off, stand-offish and unavailable . It stops me from getting my relationships to the next level. My therapist says the right people will understand but I don't find that helpful. I don't want anyone knowing those things about me.

I really admire people who are open. I recently read a book where the author is a public speaker. She said she starts each speech saying she was a battered women, regardless of the subject she's speaking on. She said she does that because you never know who's listening and who needs to see that you can get out and thrive. I have been helped by so many stories. I have nothing but admiration for people who are open in this way and I think none of them will ever know the impact they have on so many, but when it comes to my story all there is is shame. 

[GentleSoul]

I have often shared my story at Al-anon meetings as well as online 12 step groups.  My husband is an alcoholic as well as having a PD.  The two issues often go together.   

I have also shared my story with people in a similar situation as me.  It helps a lot.  Is always very similar.  The emotional abuse seems to follow the same pattern in most relationships.  I came to realise this and it was a great comfort.  It was as if the abusers have all read the same handbook.

[Spygirl]

Imo,

I have decided not to share the disaster of my marriage with many people at all. I would only share the experience to assist another person going through a similar situation so they could feel validated and what they're experiencing.

I believe I created a trap for myself by being so open about everything I wanted, my hopes and dreams,  that I allowed narcs in to my life. I gave men the instructions on how to lure me in.

I did this out of a desperate desire to be loved, needed, wanted. Because of that, i recreated my terrible upbringing all over again.

Your post struck me in that you believe holding back, going slow, is detrimental.
I dont think so.

I wonder if these people are as forthcoming as you? Are they laying themselves out to you, or just ABSORBING INFORMATION.

Something to consider

[GettingOOTF]

Thank you for all your feedback.

I guess it’s more like when I’m in an intimate situation or I’m invited to do something that I find triggering based on stuff my ex did. I just decline or say something sarcastic or rejecting. I want to be able to explain to people that I need these extra considerations but I don’t want to have to tell them why.

These conversations have not gone so well for me. It’s like I want them to do what I say but I don’t want to give them any information on why.

I think I’m not explaining it properly. I’m not talking about unloading my messy story on a first date, more like letting people know bits about me so they understand why I ask for what I do vs me just having a long list of “rules” they have to follow with no context. And even I think some of my rules are a little crazy without context.

Typing this I realize that this is only with men. I recently joined some women-only networking groups. I have zero issues saying “I was in an abusive marriage” if it’s relevant to the discussion. 

[Peace Lily]

Hi GettingoutoftgeFOG, based on you last post here, have you considered that this could be also to do with fear of showing your vulnerability in a dating relationship? It would not be at all surprising if this is the case as likely your ex preyed on your vulnerability. Is showing vulnerability a trigger for you? I  am sorry I have no offer of help or advice of how to overcome your fear if that is what it is. Maybe you are not far enough in your healing journey for a new relationship? Be kind to yourself and don't push yourself to be vulnerable if you are not ready.

I found Brene Brown's book "I thought it was just me (but it isn't). What will people think? To I am enough." to be an invaluable resource for dealing with toxic shame.

Sending you hugs 

[GettingOOTF]

Peace Lily I have given your post a lot of thought. I think you are right. I’m scared to be vulnerable with men because of what happened in past relationships. I think what I’m expecting is for the other person to be vulnerable until I feel safe to open up a bit, but keeping totally closed off until I do.

I really have no models for a healthy relationship but I do realize that both parties need to show some vulnerability to get to the next level. And realistically I have no idea what the other person may be struggling with themself. 

I will think about it some more.

I have that Brene Brown book. I’ve read a few pages and then put it down. I will give it another go. I will also practice or write down what it is I want to say and what I’m afraid of so it hopefully feels safer to tell someone.

I really appreciate everyone’s insights. They are so helpful.

[notrightinthehead]

GettingOOTF I think you are very brave that you are dating. It only seems right that you are extra cautious after your experience. It will be impossible to unlearn what you have learned and your experience has changed you.

I wonder if you have sat down with yourself and rationally thought about how a relationship has to be in order for you to be happy. The musts, needs, wants, hoped fors, definitely nots.  A few years ago I read a book on how to find Mr Right. I was in not state to even consider it but I found it very interesting in that it suggested a rational approach with a lot of soul searching about  oneself and I realized I had gone about it a completely different, almost blind and naive way.

At the moment something seems to bug you in the sense how this relationship is going. You say, you have no models for a healthy relationship yet. Would you consider forming one for yourself?

[waverider]

I am four years post-divorce from my uCNPDh of 12 years. I have a 7yr old and 10yr old... but I am 50 (he left me for a MNP half our age). Soooo many insecurities with regards to dating haunt me. I am not bitter toward men, and do not want to be. I have tried to educate myself about what it is about me that would attract NPD persons. My ex was covert and evolved over our marriage. I thought I was eyes open when we got married. One key thing I came upon in my research is that we moved WAY too fast. I am a shy introvert, however, when I started dating with the purpose of marriage (after several years hiatus and recovery from a bad early relationship)... I decided I was going to open up and be myself and find someone who was OK with ME as-is. My first relationship was co-dependent... so I knew what that looked like and I wasn't going to do that again. The man I married showed no signs I could identify as negative during our short courtship. I did not exactly have excellent role models for a man, so the little things slipped by (usually a moment of irrational irritation at something insignificant). He swept me off my feet... had the right answers (he owned Dr. Phil and Mars/Venus books, for heavens sake! He was the one who wanted to save his marriage, and he had people to back up that statement!)... he was divorced with two kids, but I met everyone in his life and all supported his story of his ex leaving him to pursue a Ph.D. He didn't talk bad about her. I met her and the kids and went to the church they went to together and where he'd attended as a child. He wanted me to be friends with his ex... which I didn't object to, but felt weird about. Even HER parents embraced me when I married her EX. He was GOOD people.

In the end, I wrote her a letter of apology and sympathy for what she went through with him. He wasn't outed by infidelity or bad behavior when she wisely left him... she just got the bad wrap. It was discovered over time that she had Aspergers... very high functioning, brilliant and talented, but with enough quirks to allow for his gaslighting to be successful and her to just do her own thing and not belabor anything. Lots of years of drama built between me and the ex by his expert gaslighting. I can only say I am blessed that I have an ex-husband but no other exes... my sisnlaw, mil, and niece drove for 8 hours to spend a few days during my dd birthday recently. I just got done 'chatting' with my step-daughter who is an ambitious and successful college grad doing research on another continent. She has gone out of her way to spend time with her younger siblings and me over the years. It's been a tough road, making sure I let everyone know that I did not expect sides to be taken or for them to cut off my ex. People have a right to their choices and decisions, as I do. I was gifted with his 'exposure', so that even though I'm sure he still attempts gaslighting those that are not closer to me, those who matter, my family and inlaws, know better. He's lashed out on some of them this time around, as he fully blossomed into his NPD.

Dating. Freaking scares me to death... well, the thought is getting better, just recently. I find myself looking at it this way. I will attract the 'vibe' I give. I have no business dating until I decide I am 'ready'... not perfect, but ready to accept myself, flaws and all. I am 'beautifully broken'. There are scars, but they make me more beautiful, with the experience and understanding and growth I have experienced in my journey. I must also be content with how I am caring for myself and living my life, whatever that means. Do I have goals that I am working towards? What makes me proud of myself each day? Do I feel confident in my journey? This is not about perfection... its simply about being in a place that allows you to feel good about your life as-is... which is simply living and loving. 

The other thing is where I am going to meet someone of value that mirrors my values? What would that person be doing?  I figured that people would be doing good things in their community and life. They would not be 'trolling' for a hook-up online or other such places in person.  We all have different goals, and I am not judging. Online is good... but I met my ex there and I don't have the energy or confidence that I will my match that way, this time.  My solution will be (when I'm ready, which I'm not, but getting closer), is to get involved in volunteer work locally. I love to be useful and serve in my community. Basically, putting myself out there to meet people and make connections in places where good, positive people are, increases the opportunity to meet someone of similar mind.  I will take the rest from there. I want to be open and vulnerable, yet wise.

Set your boundaries and respect them. Be authentic. Be what you want to attract. Ditch anyone who does not accept YOU. Set a time frame for 'milestones'. A PD cannot hide for long and you KNOW what to look for. Do not allow one to grow on you. Its terribly easy to fall in love or attraction and it happens fast with the NPD. Don't make excuses for the obvious signs. If they do not treat you well in the beginning... what will it look like when the shiny wears off? There is zero reasons for anyone to be unkind to another person. You can have different viewpoints and agree to disagree on topics, but this can all be done respectfully. YouTUBE is full of great videos about the various signs NPD people give off. They aren't overt, but easily seen by the educated. Get educated.

Look up 'emotional IQ'. Don't waste your time with people that do not have one or wish to develop one. It will do you well to bone up on the topic. It will help you greatly in having real conversations and understanding that you need not be ashamed of asking and answering honestly about relationships and expectations. You get to decide what you need but have to be OK with someone else declaring their needs and willingness or not, to give back.

If someone is really interested in you, and there is a future, they will care. You do not have to go into details, but simply stating that you had a 'disturbing and damaging relationship that makes you a bit gun-shy' is something they will respect and understand. Those few adjectives will trigger a caring response from anyone of value. If not, move on. They don't care enough.

Like many of my posts, I find that what I am writing is as much for me as hopefully helpful to you all.

Finding this forum and being able to share, emote, and process my experience in a safe place is very empowering. Thanks for listening.

PS. It's OK to say you are not ready. Do not let loneliness dictate your dating decisions. Be OK with being alone and then you will be ready to find someone to 'enhance' your life, and you to 'enhance' theirs. We must decide we are happy, in the now, not the 'when'... because the 'when' may never happen. Acceptance. 

[1footouttadefog]

This is a personal issue and each will approach it differently. 

I can understand not wanting to share.  However in building trust with others and of you want them to understand why things are a trigger or ifnyounwajt them to know you are uncomfortable or not ready for certain actions, activities, places, people, etc, give enough but only enough to build trust and keep the other person from being confused or put off.

You might say, I had some bad or a bad experience with that and am not loving it again quite yet.

I lost a bit of confidence along those lines and am not ready to try again yet. 

I have some history with that place, person or event, and want to wait a bit longer, hope you are not too disappointed. 

I would prefer not to go there, do that or meet with them, it's complicated, but I hope we can find another place or thing to try and have a great time.

Basically let the other person know it's complicated and yet keep your details to your self.  This way they don't get mixed signals.

[StayWithMe]

I'm invited to do something that I find triggering based on stuff my ex did.

Definitely agree with the above.

I find opening up can be a good litmus test.  One guy I was dating was engaging in a habit that my mother and sister do, that is, the alternative naming stuff.  this guy actually had nerve not only to defend himself.  that is, if I correct his pronunciation 10 times and he still gets it wrong, well it's not his fault.  He one time got mad at me because someone we started talking with at the bar corrected him on something.  when that guy left, the guy I was dating accused me of making him look like a fool.  I said, I have corrected you on that.  Well, I had not corrected him enough.

so as I was having this open honest dialogue about how that habit was annoying, he started accusing me of purposely making spelling mistakes in my e-mails to him.  That relationship should have been a lot shorter.