Handling people who have believed the rumours but seem to think they are helping

[me01t]

I have decided to shortly return to the place i went through 9 months of emotional abuse. At the very minimum it was people spreading rumours but possibly there were people with pd traits in there. By the end I was considered crazy, Cuckoo, Weird, Odd etc and it was implied I was obsessed with someone. Some people who I once considered very close friends were jumping on this bandwagon and giving me advice on how i "obviously" felt.

I want to protect myself now but it is a small town. I am only planning initially to return for 6 weeks, If nothing more than to prove to myself I am not as weak as even i was believing i was by the end. However, I am struggling to prepare mentally with how to deal with some of these people, Especially the ones who i think actually have believed that they were helping. I am not sure at this point (I have been away 6 months) that any deep explanations will achieve anything other than reignite issues. It concerns me though on how is best to react if some of these people approach me about meeting up? My understanding thus far is that it will be without them doubting the impact and devastation this caused me but they were using the crazy labels and anyone who has been in touch so far has asked if i am feeling better now so whilst at this point i would like peace i am worry that full on ignoring these people, In a small town will exacerbate the problem but equally I don't want to be roped back in to their stories, Nor am i sure any explanation will help anything.

Any suggestions would be really appreciated.

[Fortuna]

Sounds like you may need to determine what your boundaries are with these 'well meaning' people. Any attempts at prying or mansplaining your feeling could be tackled with something like: "I appreciate your thoughts but I don't wish to talk about that."  or "I understand you are only trying to help, but some of your information is wrong. " (If you feel like explaining yourself) or "I'm handling it." (I'd you don't want to explain) If they ask are you feeling better maybe say "I'm good as always." Then just let it hang. If they keep yammering go medium chill or leave if you can. 

Meet with only those you want to. It's your life. You have no obligation to meet. If you choose to, you may want to make it a short meeting with one or only a few people so you can have some control over the conversation. If a group is trying to gang up on you it's harder to stay medium chill than if you person is acting concerned and has all these ideas on what you should do. Plaster on a smile and have some inane chit chat ideas stashed away. Ask how peoples kids are, or their parents if they are elderly. About new jobs or the local sports team. The weather is always good. If there was/is a local event ask about that. Keep te conversations light and hopefully they won't delve into trying to 'help' you.

I'd also recommend getting very firm boundaries on gossiping. If anyone starts in on some misfortune of someone else state "I don't like to gossip. I know how it feels to have rumors spread about me and I'm not willing to do the same to someone else."  Many people won't get it, but some might start thinking about what the rumors were about you and realize they were rumors, not facts.

Fortunately my uPDmom is out of flying monkeys that have any sliver of a wedge in my life so I've never had to deal with something like this, but I remember small town drama where everybody 'knew' everything about everyone else and it got you labeled pretty quick. Good luck.

[moglow]

Me01t, is it possible to give a slight confused frown if/when that situation is brought off, shake it off as inconsequential and talk about other things? Maybe even say specifically, "I wish everyone would just stop with that. Surely there are other things we can talk about?" then change the subject or even end the conversation if they keep pushing it. Some may try just to gauge your boundaries or get your take on things - there's not one reason for you to participate. People who keep it up are just digging for drama - refuse to give it to them!

People are always going to believe whatever they believe, that doesn't mean you have to justify or explain yourself to anyone. You've seen what trying to explain did, only seemed to make it worse and definitely was a source of frustration and pain for you. So from that, seems it would be best to do whatever you can to leave it in the past. They can [and will] think whatever they want - that's not your stuff.

I'd also recommend getting very firm boundaries on gossiping. If anyone starts in on some misfortune of someone else state "I don't like to gossip. I know how it feels to have rumors spread about me and I'm not willing to do the same to someone else."  Many people won't get it, but some might start thinking about what the rumors were about you and realize they were rumors, not facts.

Yes! When I started shutting that down with my mother at first she persisted and she "needed to tell me about xyz..." No, you don't. You WANT to tell me about other people's personal business and your speculations - not quite the same thing. What it really did was tell me that she was also telling MY personal business behind my back. That was a hard but necessary pill to swallow, realizing what I'd been telling her all along wasn't just between us at all - she wasn't asking out of concern, she was asking for information to share elsewhere. Ammunition, if you will.

When you refuse to participate, it turns that bright light back on them, what they're doing and saying about others AND that you know they're doing it about you as well. They can either check themselves or not, but it removes you from the equation.
Good luck!

[me01t]

Thanks this is all really helpful. Sometimes the naive part of me kicks in and thinks some people genuinely do believe things and think they are helping but i think sticking with hard boundaries and not thinking that way is probably most sensible.

[helpmeplease]

Hello me01t,
I read your post yesterday and have been thinking about you today. I think the best advice I can give you is to have nothing to say about any of it to any of them. Just play it down, say oh I am fine. Keep your boundaries in place with them all be pleasant but don't get involved in any conversations about anything  very deep. At the same time develop a life for yourself which does not include them or has anything to do with them. Fill your life with routines and activities which will help you shift the focus of your worries away from what happened. Some suggestions, go for walks, read, join a book club go to the theatre and cinema, volunteer with children or animals, begin craft hobbies, sculpting beginners painting, volunteer in schools, volunteer with charities that support survivors of abuse or bullying, listening.  Join choirs do meditation, go swimming, volunteer at museums and historical places as a guide, join history societies they have talks and social events, do an education class,a support group look out for craft fayres and concerts things that are happening in your local area, the list is endless. Sign up to mailing lists from these places and they will send you details of what is going on. You will find there is so much you could attend you won't have time to fit them all in. When your life is this full and you are busy these other people will not matter one bit.  x