The time has finally come

[Wandering soul]

Hello comrades,

The time has finally come, where my uBPDh has started to dislike me enough to be able to end the relationship. Its been 7 years of bad. Of course there were glimmers of hope, and a belief in something special, but now that I have grown enough to honestly look objectively, I didn't like him from our first date. There were so many red flags. Of course my childhood disallowed any sense of self, so those red flags were ignored as I heard for the FIRST time in my life, "I am special"     Alas my internal voice could never stop telling me to get away. My dysfunctional method of doing so, was try to reason with him.. which OF COURSE always turned into a fight. (( How a person can speak so deeply about his inner world, and have compassion for the innocent but ABSOLUTELY refuse to acknowledge how AWFUL he is to his WIFE, is so mind boggling to me, I think it is partially what kept me in it ))
Well, now years and years of fighting later, he seems to view this as a reason to get away from me.

I am wondering if anyone else here has been pushed so hard emotionally and spiritually they too have acted in ways they know are wrong.
So frequently I would be blindsided by his inability to handle ANY request from me. Just writing about it makes it fills me with confusion, how can asking someone to not leave windows open turn into a tirade about how controlling, demanding, mean I am...
Any way, I am simply going to admit that there were times that after weeks and weeks of walking away, ignoring, self care etc, he would go off about something and I would engage back. When this just escalated things, I began to push back. Physically. Our fights have gotten physical every few months or so. In the later years, there were times where he initiated the contact first. I generally did though.

I'm not looking for justification for bringing it to a physical level. I know it is wrong. THIS is what shamed me into staying. But I am reaching out to know if there is anyone else out there that has been pushed so hard they lashed out like that too.

Ironically, it is this truth that he uses as the reason why he needs to get away from me. ((Mind you every time, he has stayed / come back after a few hours))

But now... I keep insisting I leave. I say I know I cannot handle him and that the fights will never end. I know this in my soul. The periods of time where I have chosen not to engage, have been the darkest. I have felt suicide has been the only answer at these times. I am shutting off my soul.

To add, I have been in therapy for over a year now. A lack of health insurance prevented me from getting the help I WANTED for so long. Sure enough, as soon as I began the process last year, his control started to unravel. This year I have made the changes I needed in order to began the legal process.

He claims he is looking for another place "for his own sake" and will be gone soon. Of course the place has to meet all of his requirements (which is a LONG list). When he brings up having to live with a physically abusive wife, I bring up his choice not to leave.

I know I've rambled on now, as it seems so many of us do. How can thoughts be cohesive in a world of chaos????

Any resources (books, articles, authors) would be appreciated. Knowing I am not alone would be appreciated.

If you have read this post, I wish you peace, self love, and happiness. It is through this darkness that the light will shine.

[Doggo]

Sending virtual hugs your way, as your post on my thread was so meaningful to me. I will say this about your situation: I have been overwhelmed by anger and not until I found my current therapist and a few good books was I able to recently start figuring out how to address my anger. It has--sadly, in the past--made me be mean to one of my dogs. Not hit her, but I've yelled at her (she is actually a difficult dog and it has taken me 6 years to learn how to 'read' her).
And even with now learning about my anger, there are days (today, eg) when I constantly have to stop myself from acting out in anger. Journaling has helped me tremendously--and you know what? If he finds my journals now, too damn bad

from your post: [[So frequently I would be blindsided by his inability to handle ANY request from me. Just writing about it makes it fills me with confusion, how can asking someone to not leave windows open turn into a tirade about how controlling, demanding, mean I am...]]
Oh wow--I had this exact thing happen!! I was going to bed and I asked him to close the windows in the living room, since he was staying up late (to chat with his girlfriends and watch porn). He flew into a RAGE!! Right when I was trying to go to sleep, which absolutely disrupted my sleep.
Then two days later, he left all the windows open overnight and it rained.
It's downright insane--Sure, even normal people fly off the handle at times, but that's usually followed by an apology and it's not a consistent pattern. No one deserves a relationship based on eggshells.

[frustratedanddiscouraged]

Google "reactive abuse." That sounds like what you're experiencing and reading up on it might clarify some things for you.

[1footouttadefog]

I hope you heal from this soon.  Find your best possible life from here on.  Stay strong.

[blunk]

Wandering  Soul, I am so sorry that you are going through this.

You are definitely not alone. While married to my BPDxh I found that as time went on I started to react in increasingly unhealthy ways. Fortunately it never became physical...unless you count the time he accused me of assault when I threw a pair of socks (not even balled up) at him. Physical violence was always my line in the sand, and he knew that. I always made it clear that if he ever hit me it was over...no questions asked. After a while that became his go to...I should just punch you in the face and get this over with.

I read countless books, and even advice on this forum, that told me how I should (or should not) react to him. I tried validating his feelings, keeping my voice neutral, medium chill, etc. But after being pushed, needled, accused, and raged at it can become overwhelming. I found myself yelling right back at him, and more than once when he threatened to hit me I got right up in his face and yelled do it already.

There was one day that we were in the kitchen having a discussion (read lecture). I can't even remember exactly what he said, but I found myself jumping up and down in a circle screaming I can't f---ing do this anymore (admittedly not my proudest moment). But it did lead me to realize that the longer I stayed the more I was starting to act like him and I didn't like it. I tried to explain to him that when I acted that way I felt like I had lost a little piece of myself. His answer was...being a little dramatic, aren't we?

I knew then that he would never understand, because to him acting that way was perfectly normal. it wasn't necessarily the last straw, but it was definitely a factor in my eventual decision to leave.

[Spygirl]

So sorry you had to suffer that. It sounds awful.

[paulabun]

Hey Wandering soul,

You've just been writing about my life!

Things got physical with us and I would participate. Been gone 5 months but not quite managed no contact.

Betrayal Bonds by Patrick Carnes helped me a good deal.

BTW, you've still got your soul xx