FOG and lawyers

[resrchbug]

I finally spoke with the lawyers office but still do not have an appointment set. They said they will let me know. After talking with the receptionist, I sat in the car and cried. All I could see was the lost little boy inside my spouse and the young man I married years ago. I don't feel triumphant or strong. I don't feel proud at doing this very hard step.
All I feel is grief and guilt. I can already see the hurt puppy look. I know, I know. This look can and probably will change in an instant to raging anger. But nonetheless, I feel shredded and terrible. I haven't even spoken with a lawyer yet and I am already questioning whether I can go through with it. The voice in the back of the head whispers about the good times and the betrayal.
Immediately following my crying jag I began to feel like perhaps I should just hang it all up and live with it all. I'd rather suffer myself than cause another to suffer. So, I followed the call to the lawyer with making an appointment with a therapist. That's not till December 18th.

Meanwhile, I have no idea when I might actually talk with a lawyer. So, my friends are telling me, I need to set up a separate checking account. Currently I we have a joint account and are mostly living off our retirement account. The retirement account is in his name only. I have no access to it. Of course, if I take money from the checking account and he notices, he will want to know why I am taking funds. In his eyes, all the money we have belongs to him since I am unemployed. I have already been told I spend too much on visiting our children and that I am going to make us destitute.

Also I am terrified to set up an account in secret because he is already paranoid and money is one of his biggest triggers. When money is involved he is at his meanest and scariest.

Any words of wisdom to a FOG bound person with a hurting soul?

[capybara]

You have done two huge things! You should be really proud of yourself. It's ok to go at your own pace and take breaks when you need to.

I understand picturing that hurt little boy inside him. Really, though, it's your husband who can help that little boy by facing his own pain and getting help. When i look back, i feel like i made things easier for BPDH in the moment. But he really needs to face things for himself.

It's very hard.

[bat123]

   I finally went to see a lawyer for a consultation a few weeks ago.  I ended up telling my spouse before I went, although I hadn't planned to tell him and really didn't want to.  But almost every morning before we leave for work he asks me what I have going on that day (work meetings, appointments, etc) and I didn't want to lie.  (I am constantly accused of lying, so I try to be as honest as possible to avoid conflicts).  Of course, he was very upset, and he feels that I've "crossed the line" by going to see a lawyer, and now HE's going to see a lawyer, etc.  It definitely made things worse, in a way, but as I told him, I needed to educate myself about my options, since we have been talking about the possibility of splitting up.  I had hemmed and hawed for months about going to see a lawyer, but I kept talking myself out of it.  Then one night, during an evening where he criticized me and put me down for hours, his anger escalated to a point where as I lay in bed trying to go to sleep and block out his ranting, he literally came up to my bedside and ripped the blankets clean off of me— off the whole bed.  Who does that?! I made up my mind the very next day to go see a lawyer.
    We are still together for now— it's not like one consultation with a lawyer really changed anything.  But it was empowering.  It gave me information, so that I don't need to sit and fret about all of the unknowns.  I now understand more about the process and about my options.  If you try to view it that way, you might feel better.  It's not disloyal.  It's not committing you to anything.  It's simply educating yourself.  My spouse is pissed off at me all the time anyway, so for me there was almost nothing to lose by doing it. 
   Good luck to you.  Therapy is so important.  That is really the key to getting yourself to a better place.

[Whiteheron]

Then one night, during an evening where he criticized me and put me down for hours, his anger escalated to a point where as I lay in bed trying to go to sleep and block out his ranting, he literally came up to my bedside and ripped the blankets clean off of me— off the whole bed.  Who does that?!

Who does that? My stbx!

I completely understand about the hurt little boy trapped inside the PD man's body. I feel so bad for that little boy, but I have to remind myself that stbx is a grown man, and as such, is in complete control of his words and actions - no matter how much compassion I feel for his younger self, who was abused by his alcoholic dad and ignored by his enabling mom. I can see how the seeds of dysfunction were sewn in his early years. I do not pity the man, though. He knows what he does is hurtful and controlling. He doesn't care.

Information is power. I consulted with two attorneys a year before I filed. It was a huge relief to know I wouldn't be destitute when I filed (stbx controlled all of our money).

[Kat54]

what Whiteheron said, information is power. The more you know the better you will feel. And a therapist is a great idea, it will help get you some better perspective and see that what you feel is valid and YOU MATTER.   Start putting yourself first. 

I'm still taking steps to put myself first. I'm at the end of my divorce and it took every ounce out of me. The guilt was huge, and yes had thoughts I can live like this and I'll be OK, better just one of us miserable. But you know what, in the end the only one miserable will only be you, or if you split, he'll maybe be miserable, someone will.

A quick story...This struck me right after my ex and I split. I was talking to a neighbor about our splitting up and she burst into tears. I thought because she was sad to hear this news. But she was hysterical crying because she said she was stuck in a miserable marriage and had always wanted to leave her husband but never had the courage. She thought it was better for her to stay and just live with it. Now her husband is physically breaking down and she is taking care of him, she said it was the biggest regret of her life.

Life is so fast and fleeting. Love yourself enough to break past the one who is holding you down. 

[Free2Bme]

resrchbug,
My heart goes out to you, I could have written your post word for word 4 years ago when I ended my 20 year marriage to uNPD/ASPD.  I wrestled with the idea for so long and the weight of the decision and all the implications was incredible. 

If I could please recommend something to you that has served me well.  Before I left, I wrote a couple paragraphs (keep secretly as I could have no privacy) listing the effects of my abusive H upon my mind/body/spirit and that of my children.  I was careful to be honest/accurate to the best of my ability and not embellish.  I included tangible reasons that I could not justify remaining in the marriage and that I didn't want to be in the same spot in 5 years, 10 years, old age, etc.

I sensed that one day I would need to revisit my situation mentally (in those paragraphs) to gain clarity and strength.  It was like writing a letter to my future self.  I made a commitment that I would remember the fear/dread of facing another day in our home while he tried to destroy the people he claimed to love.  This has helped me to keep my thinking straight and not second guess myself.  It has enabled me to keep proper boundaries while I go through a massive healing process. 

Now, when I'm tempted to go to that place of the "hurting boy inside my husband's body", and I want to fix all his/our boo-boo's.  I make myself remember that this hurting "little boy" knowingly inflicted pain (physical, emotional, mental) upon me and our children while smiling and congratulating himself. I couldn't fix him even if he wanted me to!
It was not a marriage.

Ridiculous. Your attorney should give you and appointment asap, I've never heard of having to wait like that.  I would line up someone else if possible.

Re:    H controlling money, and "your going to make us destitute", I heard this too.  I was a stay at home mom ; had no income resources of my own, joint accounts, he controlled $ down to the penny, I had to give receipts for every purchase, etc.  I had stuck away 2K, bit by bit over a few years, also pulled $ from checking, savings, credit cards to access all available cash, all at once.  I literally went to my attorney with various forms of tender, including counting out change, to make the 10K retainer.  I probably looked desperate. 

Re: Yanking bed covers off.  I've been there too, and thrown off bed onto floor. Sickening to think about. 

Rational though must rule over our emotions.  I am still working through stuff but I have so much more clarity and balance now that I'm finally out of the pressure cooker I was living in. 

Peace and comfort to you rsrchbug

[Whiteheron]

 

I also made a bullet point list with every horrible thing I could remember stbx saying to me. I did this over a period of weeks. When I'd go sit down to look it over, I would be astonished at the things that had come out of his mouth. All of it coming from a man who claimed to love me. His words were meant to keep me down and ruin my self esteem. It hit me hard when I realized that's not love. And yes, he knew those words hurt me. I would tell him his words hurt, I would cry. He didn't care, told me I was "too sensitive". Not love.

I also started buying $25 gift cards at the grocery store and hiding them in my car. He controlled everything.

[resrchbug]

Hi ya'll. I am trying my best to cope with an impending holiday, including a 10 hour drive with my husband to visit our son for Thanksgiving. I am reaching out for some input. I have been trying to write a letter to him and tell him how I feel and what my boundaries are. But I can't seem to get past the first line. How do tell him that his irrational behavior and anger terrify me when he is currently in nice mode. He is currently not threatening me in anyway, it is only the memory of past explosions that haunt me.

Also, I am completely in the dark about how to enforce boundaries with him safely on a 10 hour drive. I am feeling despair over the whole trip. I don't see any way to get out of the trip since we already have reservations and my son and his very pregnant wife are expecting some much needed help getting ready for their first time hosting Thanksgiving.

I anticipate having to go no contact with him after I have gone to the lawyer and certainly no contact if I must file a restraining order. Feeling lost and confused and most definitely anxious.

[Mitchy]

You are doing the right thing. I have to remind myself of that every day since I filed. STBx is still in the house and I am now sleeping in a separate room with the door locked as is our youngest. He refuses to leave and we don't go to court until December 11. I'm hearing him talking about death regularly. He even called me today to ask me to be the executor of his will. Ugh, the mind games and manipulation are awful. I keep reminding myself that he's feeling out of control and therefore its escalating. And yes, I have a safety plan in place. I'm ultra aware of the potential for things to go bad quickly. It's not fun, but I know that the end result will be a new and positive life where both the kids and I can heal and flourish.

Keep your head up and make sure you find a lawyer who will work hard for you. Not sure where you are, but there are some domestic violence victim centers that will help to get you with a good lawyer that will work within your budget.

[Whiteheron]

Hmm. If it were me, I would lay low and MC/greyrock as best as I could to get through the trip and Holiday. I wouldn't want to stir up the pot then be trapped in a car with him for ten hours. My stbxuPDh was always on edge when we traveled, that would have made it much worse.

It's been my experience that informing a PD of how their behaviors have hurt you and made you feel never goes well. I understand the need to get it out and let them know how you feel, but it usually backfires. Setting boundaries with my PD was seen as a direct challenge to his authority. It didn't go well.

[Liftedfog]

When my expdh used to rant and reduce me to tears he would get even more angry telling me it's not his effen problem if I'm too sensitive.  This is not love.  Everytime I thought about the broken little boy inside him and started feeling sorry for him I would remind myself that the choice I had was take care of him or take care of our children.    It gave me strength and focus.  I could only help one. The fork was in the road for me. It became clear. My kids were first.

[Free2Bme]

I agree with Whiteheron resrchbug,  (I don't want to cause you more hurt, I know you are going through so much)    but..... your H probably already knows all the things that hurt you, and has had opportunity to address these grievances.   If he has not and is skipping past your attempts to reconcile these things then that is your answer.  I had to come to the point where I realized that my H had all the necessary information (communicated by me), what he lacked  was motive to do good.  As Mark Twain said,  "Don't wrestle with pigs. You both get dirty and the pig likes it."

You are in a precarious place, impending separation, holidays. son/DIL/baby, previous travel plans, etc.  I am hoping that you can get through this next week without  drama.  Is there anyway  you could travel separately?  It might be  tough to pull off because of holiday plans, but your safety is important right now.  If you must go, then take precautions and have a back up plan if things go left.  Let others know itinerary, ETA, locations, etc. 

I would plan on MC /grey rock / audio books

Take care