Marital therapist invalidates my experience of emotional abuse

Started by gettingstronger1, October 13, 2019, 11:30:50 PM

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gettingstronger1

My husband and I had our first visit with a marital therapist today.  My husband and I each got a chance to talk about our families and what we think our problems are.  One of the reasons we are in therapy is because my husband minimizes his NPD mother's emotional abuse, and he initially refused to stand up to his mom and protect me. He also doesn't see the problem with her treating him like a child. He says it's no big deal. Since January he has made some progress in coming Out of the FOG and setting boundaries with his mother.  He is still struggling with his anger with me.  He does have good days, but he also has lots of days where he falls into old patterns of not handling his anger well.   I went first and talked some about my mother's abusive behavior towards me.  Then I discussed some of my mil's and my husband's abusive behaviors.  My husband then talked.  He downplayed his mother's and his emotional abuse of me and his refusal to protect me initially.  He spoke a small amount about his family's problems and left out important information about the emotional and physical abuse that was going on.  My husband then emphasized his mother's good qualities and said that his family always worked their problems out.  This wasn't a completely truthful statement.  He and his mom worked out their problems but the abuse of his brother was never resolved, and his mother continues to abuse his brother to this day about what a terrible teen he was and how he (brother) was completely responsible for the problems.  She then denies she ever did anything wrong.  This scenario gets repeated every summer for the whole family to hear.  I have no idea why his brother bothers to come home.   This is one of many unresolved problems, not to mention that my mil has now managed to run off two of her children's spouses and no one bats an eye over this. 

When it became my turn to speak, I pointed out my husband's minimization and denial of his and his mother's treatment of me.  I talked about a several more situations of abuse, and gave more detail to the situations that he minimized.  While I discussed this, I did express some anger, but I in no way raised my voice, used foul language, or exhibited any inappropriate anger.  I just made it very clear that this behavior would no longer be tolerated and I pointed out several instances when my husband was minimizing or not telling relevant information about abusive situations. 

The therapist then responded by saying "your anger is disproportionate to the situation."  I then explained to the therapist that my anger was not disproportionate to the situation.  I explained again that abuse in my husband's family has been going on for years.  It is okay to be angry about years of abuse and express that anger appropriately.  It is not ok for people to yell, rage, cuss or demean others when they express their anger, but it is ok to let others know this behavior is not okay and I do have the right to express some appropriate anger that does not cross over into the abuse of others.  She basically invalidated my anger because she has no real understanding of personality disorders and the seriousness of emotional abuse.  The therapist reluctantly admitted that she was wrong, and it is ok to display some anger so long as it did not cross over into abuse of others.  She then went on to tell us she couldn't see us for therapy but was unable to explain why.  I think the why is that she has no understanding of personality disorders or the seriousness of emotional abuse.  She was also probably embarrassed for being called out on the false belief that victims aren't allowed to express some anger, and that after years of abuse some anger is warranted.

So basically the above situation stinks because it is going to be very difficult to find a therapist who understands the dynamics of dealing with PDs and the underlying dynamics of emotional abuse.  My  individual therapist is very empathic and understanding.  She is also open to learning new things such as what gas-lighting and flying monkeys are. Once you explain it she gets it.  It took me a long time to find her, so what I am saying is don't give up hope there are some good therapists out there.   Therapists have specialties that they are good at.  They can't be expected to have expertise in all situations.  Just as medical doctors have their specialties, so also therapists should have their specialties and treat only what they specialize in.

If I hadn't been in the mental health field myself, I would have been upset by her denial of the seriousness of emotional abuse and the right to express appropriate anger that is not abusive. She could have done serious harm to me, but luckily I was armed with knowledge from years of study about the dynamics of abuse.  Like many people, she became very frustrated when I set consistent limits, and pointed out gaslighting, and denial.  As a result, more of my healing has come from reading and educating myself, and being in a support group like Out of the FOG.  As far as dealing with my feelings of anger goes, I am in the process of dealing with the feelings of anger and gradually letting go as I move towards greater healing.  The feelings of anger I have are a relatively new emotion that began in the last two months. But the good news is that I am moving through the stages of grief and working on healing so I can let go of the depression and anger and completely move on. 

So the bottom line is, don't give up on therapy. Look till you find someone who understands PDs.  In the mean time educate yourself by reading books and articles by professionals and survivors  who have experienced it and understand it.

notrightinthehead

Well done for having stood up for yourself and well done for realizing so quickly that the marriage therapist was not a good fit for you! It sounds like you are on a good path of healing.
I can't hate my way into loving myself.

treesgrowslowly

There are people in counselling jobs who side with the other person / perpetrator. If you call them out on it, they will deny they are doing so.

I've thought a lot about this after having some crummy counselling. I think there are two possible factors I've seen in people I've talked to, who didnt understand my frustrations and worst, shamed me for being frustrated.

Because ostensibly these are people who have had training that the general population has not- so why this disconnect? Why are they shaming someone for being angry?

The first possibility is lack of knowledge about PDs and the codependency or alcoholic or abusive or controlling family system. I don't know how but there are counsellors who don't understand the dynamics of relational control and relationships.

The second thing I was left wondering after my own crummy experiences, is that they themselves are in the fog. They carry beliefs about what the perpetrators, targets, bystanders and enablers should do. Can they dislodge their beliefs (about anger needing to be "in proportion" for example) unless they come clean and get therapeutic help for themselves. They can't walk the walk yet.

Fnding out if someone I've paid to help me, is in the fog themselves, that feels exhausting right? For me it was exhausting and frustrating and disappointing, expensive and draining. I am glad you noted their judgement of your anger at the first session.

I am so glad you saw through this attempt to have you believe there is something wrong with your anger at the situation you are in. Your anger is valid and important.

No one has the ability to tell you what your experiences with your MIL have left you feeling.

I hear you. Its exhausting to seek help and be met by someone's lack of knowledge or skill. If you had a counsellor say that your anger is disporportionate to the situation, my guess is that this person is not trauma informed.

I hope this forum is a help during this time. Hang in there.

StayWithMe

"In proportion" ..... this is the problem when unwittingly  follow legal principles when dealing with personal issues.

You can get as mad as you want at someone, that does not mean that they have to go to jail.  Or if you want to talk about legal principles, then in your world, that is a serious mis step.

I think people use these priniciples way too much in their personal or at least against other.  If I say for example, I believe that when I was dating that guy who was stalking back in the 80s, it was my sister who playing informant."

........oh that can't be, do you have solid proof?  No I don't but now I am more discerning, One with any intelligence and critical thinking skills would have to accept that if you tell your sister where you're going on the weekend and this guy consistently shows up where you are, what else can you assume?  This is not a court of law.  Playing informant is not against the law, but I could have chosen if I had figured it out back to avoid talking about my weekend plans until after the fact to my sister.


Saywhat

Quote from: gettingstronger1 on October 13, 2019, 11:30:50 PM
The therapist then responded by saying "your anger is disproportionate to the situation."

I am so sorry to read this. I too went to a couples counsellor once who pathologized me for feeling angry about a situation that was completely outrageous. I feel so sorry for myself that I believed her for a moment.

StayWithMe

Quote from: Saywhat on October 14, 2019, 02:36:17 PM
Quote from: gettingstronger1 on October 13, 2019, 11:30:50 PM
The therapist then responded by saying "your anger is disproportionate to the situation."

I am so sorry to read this. I too went to a couples counsellor once who pathologized me for feeling angry about a situation that was completely outrageous. I feel so sorry for myself that I believed her for a moment.

Was the therapist a man?

gettingstronger1

Quote from: treesgrowslowlyThere are people in counselling jobs who side with the other person / perpetrator. If you call them out on it, they will deny they are doing so.

I've thought a lot about this after having some crummy counselling. I think there are two possible factors I've seen in people I've talked to, who didnt understand my frustrations and worst, shamed me for being frustrated.

Because ostensibly these are people who have had training that the general population has not- so why this disconnect? Why are they shaming someone for being angry?

The first possibility is lack of knowledge about PDs and the codependency or alcoholic or abusive or controlling family system. I don't know how but there are counsellors who don't understand the dynamics of relational control and relationships.

The second thing I was left wondering after my own crummy experiences, is that they themselves are in the fog. They carry beliefs about what the perpetrators, targets, bystanders and enablers should do. Can they dislodge their beliefs (about anger needing to be "in proportion" for example) unless they come clean and get therapeutic help for themselves. They can't walk the walk yet.


Treesgrowslowly, you ask some very valid questions that need to be asked and you and everyone else deserves an answer.  The administrators of Out of the FOG have requested that we not reveal what we do for a living so I will try to honor that request by stating only that I have a masters degree in one of the fields of mental health.  I have experience dating back to the 1990's working in the field of mental health.  This question deserves an answer so here it goes.  When therapists are getting their training in the field of mental health they usually only take counseling classes that cover counseling theories.  There is very little taught about the practical application of therapy.  The practical application of therapy is supposed to be learned in the practicum setting, but there is not much time spent in the direct provision of services.  More time is spent learning theories of therapy.  When the student studies Freud, they learn the abstract theories of the id, ego, and superego.  When the student studies cognitive therapy they learn that most problems are the result of distorted thinking such as catastrophizing or black and white thinking.  When a student studies family systems therapy, they learn about the family system being in balance.  They probably learn about family roles such as the scapegoat, golden child and the mascot.  There is very little practical application of these counseling theories.  Abnormal psychology is probably the most helpful in that the student learns about the diagnostic criteria for depression, anxiety, and personality disorders.  There is little instruction on what to do with these disorders. Abnormal psychology mostly focuses on learning the diagnostic criteria for many disorders.  One of the problems is that a therapist can read the diagnostic criteria for NPD but have absolutely NO understanding of what it's like to deal with a NPD person on a long term basis.  There is NO education on gaslighting, denial, smear campaign, trauma bonding, or Darvo.  None, Zip, Nada, Nothing. This is obviously a big problem.  I can't speak for the  other three counseling programs, but my program provided mostly theory.  The real work of learning occurs once the therapist has graduated and they are in supervision.  Even then these terms go unaddressed and untaught.  I didn't understand what these terms were until much later when I started to come Out of the FOG myself.  I started doing my own research and began educating myself on emotional abuse.  Fifteen years ago there weren't that many books on emotional abuse much less the covert nature of emotional abuse.  In 2019, there are many more resources for survivors of abuse that just didn't exist when I was in graduate school.  Unfortunately they still mostly teach theory. There are therapists out there that are hidden gems who have experienced abuse and they have done their own recovery work and they are educating others. The truth is that most of my recovery from abuse was not through therapy as sorry as I am to admit this.  My true recovery was from reading and educating myself and also this website Out of the FOG. I owe a great deal of my recovery to learning and support from survivors on Out of the FOG.  From there, I began to read articles written by professionals who were also abuse survivors.  Counseling helped a little, but true recovery comes from learning the dynamics of abusers and the manipulative tactics of abusers.  Until you learn about gaslighting, smear campaigns and how to set healthy boundaries then it is very hard to recover. Until you come Out of the FOG it is very hard to recover.  Over the years I have read hundreds of articles.  Those are easy enough to google  on the internet.  Here are some books that are crucial for any emotional abuse abuse survivor to read.   

Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse by Shannon Thomas, LCSW.  I found this book in the book review section of Out of the FOG.  It brought tears to my eyes when I read this book.  It was the first book I had ever read that so accurately describes the emotional abuse I went through.  Most abuse is hidden and covert.  The abuser works very hard to keep their public persona intact.  Shannon Thomas does a great job describing the manipulative games that abusers play.  She describes how abusers play the victim and reverses the roles.  She doesn't use the term DARVO though. I wish I had found this book earlier in my healing journey.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01JR4ST9S/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_d_asin_title_o00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Obviously the glossery and toolbox here on Out of the FOG is very important to read.
https://outofthefog.website/glossary/
https://outofthefog.website/toolbox-intro

Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse by Dr. Gregory Jantz
https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Scars-Emotional-Abuse-Gregory/dp/0800733231

Will I Ever Be Good Enough? by Dr Karyl McBride.  She is a therapist and she gets it too.
https://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436

Toxic Parents by Dr Susan Forward.  She is helpful if you want to confront your parents. I am not sure this is the best thing to do, but you do take some of your power back.  Don't confront if you are only looking for change.  Most PD's don't change.
https://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407

Power of Apology by Beverly Engel
https://www.amazon.com/Power-Apology-Healing-Transform-Relationships/dp/0471218928

Sorry this post is so long, but it is the condensed version of what I have learned in the last 30 years.  I hope this helps.  You deserve an explanation of why sometimes therapists do damage.  If a therapist hurt you because of their ignorance, I am truly sorry. You deserve better than this.  Your experiences are real and true.  Don't let anyone tell you what your reality is.  There is a place for therapy.  It should only should be with a really empathetic therapist who is willing to learn about gaslighting.  My individual therapist is very empathetic, she has good experience, and is willing to learn.  She is not a survivor, but she does truly care.

I do also need to give credit where credit is due.  I am sorry this is at the bottom of a long post, but this is important to.  The marital therapist from yesterday called me today to sincerely apologize for invalidating me yesterday. She was sincerely sorry and she gave a good explanation about what happened yesterday.  I can't say what the explanation was because of her privacy.  She is going to work on this issue and correct it.  I thanked her and said I really appreciated her courage in telling me the truth and apologizing.  She wasn't a bad person. She just has her own issues which became clear after her session with us.  I respect people who truly apologize and correct their mistakes.  We are all humans and have human error including me.

homersiliad

Thanks gettingstronger1 for the link to "Healing from Hidden Abuse". Wow! Finaaaaaaaallllyyyyyy, this is exactly what I needed to read!!
This is my MIL to a tee. I couldn't believe the behavior I've been witnessing but here it all is!
Thank you!

gettingstronger1

Homersiliad,

I am glad Shannon Thomas' book was so helpful for you.  It is great when you finally find someone who understands hidden abuse, and all the mind games that go along with it.  For years I had been told by my family that I was "crazy."  I wasn't crazy, they just played a lot of mind games with me and the abuse was hidden.  If abusers go to such lengths to hide their abuse, then they have to know on some level that it is wrong.  They don't want anyone to see it, and they go to great lengths to cultivate their public persona.  That tells me they have a lack of conscience if they abuse and don't care who they hurt.  This summer, I definitely started to realize that knowledge is power.   If I am aware of the games they play such as (gaslighting, smear campaigns, and DARVO) then I can deal with PDs so much more effectively.  I can call them out on the manipulation and not let them get away with it. 

Gaslighting- https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/gaslighting

Smear Campaigns-  https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/false-accusations-and-distortion-campaigns

DARVO- http://shrink4men.com/2011/01/19/presto-change-o-darvo-deny-attack-and-reverse-victim-and-offender/

Trauma Bonding- https://pro.psychcentral.com/recovery-expert/2015/10/what-is-trauma-bonding/

Hoovering-  https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/hoovering

treesgrowslowly

Hi gettingstronger1,

I read the long lost- it was so validating it didn't feel long ! ☺ I hear you- most of my insights for my recovery came from me. Not the many therapists I've met with. The lack of understanding is getting harder for someone in mental health to really defend I mean there are so many sources of information about gaslighting alone, one could read up on that and gain a lot of insight about what a survivor of that is coping with /trying to do battle with / recovering from.

Today there is such a range. Probably some teachers are trauma informed too and can intervene in ways I couldn't dream of ever seeing them help someone like me when I was in school and lived with my abuser. Soon I hope, more people will be able to help to protect children from the abuse in the first place.

I'm so happy to hear that the couples T phoned and talked about her response in your session. That bodes well!

Fortuna

Quote from: gettingstronger1 on October 14, 2019, 05:26:35 PM
  There is very little taught about the practical application of therapy.  The practical application of therapy is supposed to be learned in the practicum setting, but there is not much time spent in the direct provision of services.  ...One of the problems is that a therapist can read the diagnostic criteria for NPD but have absolutely NO understanding of what it's like to deal with a NPD person on a long term basis.  There is NO education on gaslighting, denial, smear campaign, trauma bonding, or Darvo.  None, Zip, Nada, Nothing.

This is a little disconcerting. These seem like things that are common enough in the population to deal with PD's behaviors and even the fleas that many nonPD's have and are trying to get rid of. I guess that means it's one more set of questions to ask a therapist before you hire them.

homersiliad

Quote from: gettingstronger1 on October 16, 2019, 09:25:07 PM
  If I am aware of the games they play such as (gaslighting, smear campaigns, and DARVO) then I can deal with PDs so much more effectively.  I can call them out on the manipulation and not let them get away with it.
My difficulty is that abuser is so good at hiding it that to call them out is exactly what they want. I imagine that most of the extended family have been prepped so that if I make one false move I fall straight into the trap that has been set (I.e., a huge display of convulsive tears in response to any accusation of wrong doing, and a, "see, what did I tell you all!"). What baffles me is the sheer amount of time and effort that all the manipulation  must/does take . They seem to keep tabs on everyone and the low/no  boundaries mean everyone's pretty much an open book.

gettingstronger1

#12
Quote from: homersiliadMy difficulty is that abuser is so good at hiding it that to call them out is exactly what they want. I imagine that most of the extended family have been prepped so that if I make one false move I fall straight into the trap that has been set (I.e., a huge display of convulsive tears in response to any accusation of wrong doing, and a, "see, what did I tell you all!").

Homersiliad, you are right the PD abuser is good at hiding their abusive behavior.  This is called covert abuse.  What is happening is that covert abusers purposely hide their abusive behavior behind closed doors inside the home where no one can see.  In public they put great effort into cultivating a good public persona so no one would ever believe they are abusive behind closed doors to their family.  When the abused scapegoat speaks out about the abuse they are made to look "crazy" or "abusive" by the abuser and their flying monkeys. This is called the smear campaign and the purpose is to discredit the survivor and deflect attention away from the abusers abusive behavior.  If you haven't already feel free to read about the smear campaign run by the abuser.  Remember maintaining a good image is very important to the abuser. It helps them retain their power.  https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/false-accusations-and-distortion-campaigns

Quote from: homersiliadif I make one false move I fall straight into the trap that has been set (I.e., a huge display of convulsive tears in response to any accusation of wrong doing, and a, "see, what did I tell you all!").

Ok, what is going on here is called Darvo.   http://shrink4men.com/2011/01/19/presto-change-o-darvo-deny-attack-and-reverse-victim-and-offender/  (P&K helped educate me recently on Darvo)  When you try to talk to the abuser about their inappropriate or abusive behavior they play the victim.  They purposely reverse the roles.  They make you look like the abuser and they are the victim who has been abused by you.  This also draws any attention from their abuse and makes you look like the abuser.  They are basically retaining their power by bullying you into silence so you will be afraid of them and back off.  I can't speak to your experience that you felt that your abuser wanted you to expose them so they could play the victim.  If that was your perception then no one should tell you otherwise.  My experience has been a little bit different with the two different narcissists in my life.  My experience with my PD mom and NPD mother-in-law was more that they were very angry when I tried to confront them or talk about their problem behavior.  Narcissists literally believe they are above everyone else and their adult children have no right to stand up to them.  They are enraged because they lose power when you don't let them control you anymore.  They are also enraged because you are now onto their schemes and manipulations.  If you are onto the manipulations, then they can't control you because you can now set firm boundaries.  The confrontation and boundaries enrages the abuser.  The trick is now you aren't afraid of them because you know the manipulation.  If you want to, you can call it out when you see it.  Some people don't recommend confrontation because it enrages the narcissist and they will never change.  You can also set boundaries and just quietly walk away.  I personally feel like it is important to try to talk to them once or twice about problems to confirm if they are truly toxic.  A healthy person will work out problems.  A toxic person will get angry, rage, smear campaign, and darvo.  If they do this, you have your answer. It is better to, grey rock, drastically reduce contact, or go NC.  You do what works for you.  It is a very big and personal choice.  Just don't waste years trying to change a PD person.  They do not think they are the problem and they won't change. Remember Maya Angelou's important and insightful quote.  "When someone tells you who they are believe them the first time." Those are wise words.

So the point I am making about understanding the manipulations like smear campaigns and darvo is not that you can stop it from happening, but you understand better the dynamics and manipulations that are going on.  You then realize the abuser is lying. You haven't done anything wrong. You are less likely to feel bad about yourself and think you are an awful person.  If you are knowledgeable, then your self worth increases and you can become happy again. You know that they are lying about you, and you know you are a good person.  Their decision to abuse isn't about you, it's about their dysfunction that is not your fault.  Also remember you aren't "abusive" or "attacking" if you confront, set limits, or go LC or NC.   You start to realize you do have rights and you are emotionally healthy for setting boundaries.   This knowledge becomes power and you can be healthy and happy again even if others believe the abuser. This doesn't have to destroy you even though it is very painful at first.  You learn to be happy within yourself, your faith, your chosen family, and your friends etc.  In other words you,  make a choice to create a new life for yourself and don't let them destroy you emotionally.  There is a life outside of the abuser even if it is someone who is as significant as a parent or an abusive spouse.  You don't need them to be happy.  It is painful to move on at first, but it can be done. Just ask the many survivors and thrivers on this board.  They are taking their knowledge and helping others.  They make a difference in the lives of other people who are struggling every day.  They have helped me tremendously.  So there can be some good that comes out of all this emotional struggle.  There are many people out there who get it and understand.  You just have to do a lot of reading and learning.   :)

Sidney37

Quote from: Fortuna on October 25, 2019, 09:57:42 AM
Quote from: gettingstronger1 on October 14, 2019, 05:26:35 PM
  There is very little taught about the practical application of therapy.  The practical application of therapy is supposed to be learned in the practicum setting, but there is not much time spent in the direct provision of services.  ...One of the problems is that a therapist can read the diagnostic criteria for NPD but have absolutely NO understanding of what it's like to deal with a NPD person on a long term basis.  There is NO education on gaslighting, denial, smear campaign, trauma bonding, or Darvo.  None, Zip, Nada, Nothing.

This is a little disconcerting. These seem like things that are common enough in the population to deal with PD's behaviors and even the fleas that many nonPD's have and are trying to get rid of. I guess that means it's one more set of questions to ask a therapist before you hire them.

I had no idea that therapists would be so unfamiliar with the DSM and actual diagnoses.  I saw a therapist who was treating my daughter for anxiety.  We were telling her about an upcoming visit with MIL who likely has OCPD which was making DD anxious.  She argued with me that OCPD wasn't an actual diagnosis and that it wasn't in the DSM.  She argued about several of the other less frequently diagnosed personality disorders as well.  In the end, she ended up being a terrible therapist even for my daughter's anxiety. 

gettingstronger1

Quote from: FortunaQuote from: gettingstronger1 on October 14, 2019, 06:26:35 PM
  There is very little taught about the practical application of therapy.  The practical application of therapy is supposed to be learned in the practicum setting, but there is not much time spent in the direct provision of services.  ...One of the problems is that a therapist can read the diagnostic criteria for NPD but have absolutely NO understanding of what it's like to deal with a NPD person on a long term basis.  There is NO education on gaslighting, denial, smear campaign, trauma bonding, or Darvo.  None, Zip, Nada, Nothing.

This is a little disconcerting. These seem like things that are common enough in the population to deal with PD's behaviors and even the fleas that many nonPD's have and are trying to get rid of. I guess that means it's one more set of questions to ask a therapist before you hire them.

Fortuna, you are right that it is a little disconcerting that many therapists don't really understand the dynamics of dealing with someone who has NPD.  In their defense, you can't really truly understand the grief, anger, and frustration unless you have experienced it long term yourself.  Just as I would probably not be effective in helping an alcoholic over come an addiction, if I had never personally experienced addiction or lived long term with an addict.  I personally don't like the taste of beer and wine so I couldn't truly empathize with how hard it is to not drink that beer.  Nor could I really know the best ideas of how to cope with the cravings.  A mental health professional could work in the setting  and intellectually learn how to treat alcoholism, but they would never really "get it" about how hard it is to walk away from a drink.  If there is someone out there who works in substance abuse and sees this differently please feel free to let me know if I am wrong in my thinking.  Now not every therapist can specialist can specialize in every problem or disorder, but most therapist will have a particular group or two of people who they really understand and can help.  It is different than specialization of a medical doctor, because a mental health therapist is dealing with someones heart, emotions, and very souls.  If you can find a therapist who truly cares and a strong sense of empathy you should be fine, because no therapist can have experienced everything.  A therapist can probably help a depressed person, but unless they have a lot of empathy they may have trouble understanding why a severly depressed person literally can't get out of bed.  Some of you on here have had depression to the point of being debilitated by it.  But unless you have been there that is a hard concept to get, so find a therapist with a kind heart and true empathy and you should be fine.  Therapists who work part time and aren't burned out our traumatized by doing this work for years are also good choices.  LIke I said earlier, there are some true gems out there you just have to find them.

The other thing to think about is that 25 years ago when I was in graduate school there was not as much awareness of emotional abuse or covert emotional abuse.  Most people bought into the myth that emotional abuse was no big deal because no one was hit.  "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me."  We understand better now in 2019 that words do hurt and destroy soul and lead to some suicides.  I don't know if terms such as gaslighting, smear campaigns or darvo even existed.  15 years ago when I was looking for books on emotional abuse there just weren't many at all.  In 2019 because of the internet there are tons of resources and support out there and I think it is saving lives.  Also, I am not currently in graduate school in 2019 so I can't really say with any certainty what they are teaching now.  My guess is that they are more enlightened now.  I got to run for now because my husband is waiting to go out with me so I am going to post this with out proof reading like I usually do.  So I hope this post is readable. Take care guys and hang in there. It will get better! It may just take a little while and the building up of self confidence and believing in yourself. :angel: