Family in a bubble

[sc204]

I haven't posted on here in quite a while. I had a period of going NC with my parents for four years (inspired by this forum, which I'm incredibly grateful for), which gave me a chance to really work on myself and forge a life. Things were going really well and I started to think that I would be strong enough to deal with my mother. I was engaged to be married and made contact with my mother and father again. My mother has strong narcissistic, borderline and histrionic tendencies and my father is an alcoholic, partly I feel as a way of dealing with my mums moods and tempers (I also realise that it is not this black and white).

There was an OK kind of honeymoon phase following NC. Things however became really unmanageable last weekend around our wedding. I couldn't have asked for such an amazing, kind, understanding man to marry and I love him so much; we were surrounded by wonderful community of friends and family, which didn't exist for me prior to being NC. We had dancing and food and it was AMAZING, meaningful and moving.

My mother cried throughout the day about how difficult her life was and spent much of the day, sitting crying with various relatives whilst we were dancing etc. She didn't sign the wedding certificate (we had a Quaker ceremony) because she didn't have time. At the end when we were clearing up she started becoming hysterical about how difficult her life was with my father, and I had to ask a close friend to take my father home as he was so intoxicated he couldn't stand up and was becoming quite abusive about friends who were at the reception. Just to add, this wasn't a 'boozy reception'  and it was very odd compared to how others were behaving. It was all pretty difficult to manage.

My aunt left suddenly and I called her the following day to check she was OK. She said that my mother had become extremely upset whilst we were all dancing, and she had tried to calm her down to no avail. Mum then said some very hurtful things about me that I can't be trusted, that I'm a liar and manipulator and that my sister (who has recently emigrated to Australia, because of the difficulties in her relationship with Mum) is her rock. I have ruined her life, she gave everything up for me and I am ungrateful. Obviously the idea of her saying these things, at such a joyful time as a wedding is very difficult and I feel incredibly upset, that she would think them never mind say them out loud at my wedding where friends and family could hear.

I spoke about this with my sister the following day prior to her going back to Australia and she was quite dismissive ' well emotions do get heightened at weddings', 'everyone was a bit emotional'. My sister has always been my link to reality that we have a bit of a moan about how crazy things are with Mum and Dad etc and both feel better. I felt so invalidated by this and began to obsess that what if Mum said was true and I am the 'evil one' in the family, and its actually my family who are all kind and thoughtful. It feels so difficult to get a barometer of whats normal and whats not, especially in relationship to my family; I absolutely recognise that I can be part of what Mum said I can be some of the time (i'm human!), but this makes it even worse as I just have no sense of what is OK/permissible in a family and whats OK to say 'enough'.

[Adrianna]

You built a life, a happy life, when you went nc. You found a wonderful man, friends and Peace.

Then you get entangled with the parents again and you are reminded of why you went nc.

For a mother to say such things about her daughter in front of family members on her wedding day is reprehensible and speaks to her disorder. She had to have attention on herself, whining at your wedding to family, and couldn't be bothered to sign the wedding certificate because she was too busy crying for herself. With her narc, Borderline and histrionic tendencies this is not unexpected. However, it is not acceptable and I'm sorry this happened at your wedding.  You can't think this has anything to do with you because it really doesn't.

You don't need your sisters validation to know what happened was hurtful. Yes it would be nice if she had your back on that but then again she sounds like the favored one so why would she?

I would limit or eliminate contact with your parents because you know nothing good will come of it. You've built a great life and your husband deserves a life without the chaos and drama they bring and so do you.

[GettingOOTF]

One of my siblings was also my "rock". I felt she understood what we went through with our parents. That she really understood the impact it had and how messed up it was.

As I spent longer in therapy and doing the work I started to heal and notice things about our upbringing and how truly abusive and deprivational it was. I started to voice these things to my sister. She also became very dismissive and said things like "well no family is perfect". I was so hurt and confused at the time. Now I see that she was not ready to see the things I was. She was much deeper in FOG than I was and she wasn't taking steps to clear it.

I wonder if that isn't what may be going on with your sister. She's not ready to see what you do, or she sees you building this great new life and standing up to your parents and it threatens her on some level.   

I'm so sorry about the awful things your mother said about you on your special day. You didn't deserve that.

[kaizen]

Hugs and congratulations to you, sc204! 

All I can say is, you don't have to let your parents be a dark cloud forever hanging over your marriage.  Work together to figure out what boundaries will work for you as a couple, and defend them.

My husband and I have been married over 35 years, and for most of that time we had no idea about PDs and what was going on with my mother. It's great that you're at least starting out with a good understanding of the PD issues at the very beginning. There are so many tools and resources here that you can lean on, being that you already know what the problem is.

It's perfectly acceptable to put your marriage first, and do what you have to, to keep your home a peaceful haven and maintain your privacy. We currently have all incoming phone calls going direct to voicemail, and I call my mom on a schedule that's convenient to me. That alone has helped a lot. Although, your sister's solution of moving to Australia doesn't sound like such a bad idea, either. 

[Spring Butterfly]

First many congratulations on your wedding and wishing you a very happy future!

Please do go have yourself a very happy life and know and understand you don't need to worry about your parents and their life. They had you, they raised you, and then it was your job to go off and live your life and it was their job to continue living there's as they see fit. Children are supposed to individuate, grow to adulthood and then go off and live their life, that's just how it works. The fact that they did not recognize or prepare themselves for this reality is not your problem, not your stuff. Check the toolbox topic on that your stuff for more info. It helped me.

It sounds like your sister has checked out of the family drama and is content to go live her life separately. As the others have said you don't need her validation even though you're used to having it. Perhaps the possiblity that she has checked out and did what she needed to go back to her safe place in a separate country is validation enough?

It's time for you and your new hubby to go off and build a happy life as you see fit. We only get one life, this is not your practice life. Make it a good one!

[Amadahy]

Hi, sc204! Congratulations on your wedding! 

If someone other than your parents acted like your parents did at your wedding, you'd be appalled! And you'd be right! We give our parents SO many chances....and it is because you are loving and caring, not those vile things your mom spewed.

Enjoy your family of choice, friends and the beautiful life you've created. You deserve it!

[Sunny_day]

'My sister has always been my link to reality that we have a bit of a moan about how crazy things are with Mum and Dad etc and both feel better'

I can completely empathise with this as it happened to me too. Having a rant with a sibling about our parents, almost a little joke - our family is sooo dysfunctional- feeling a bit better after but nothing really changing long term. Then when I got therapy and started to get better I needed visible change to relationship dynamic, boundaries, not empty words. Sibling became defensive and looking back I wonder if ranting was ok as it was familiar and it required no change on their part, but setting boundaries and taking on responsibility for their own actions and choices in relationships was too much and they were not ready to do so. Having a rant - looking back - was not really helpful and it only kept me stuck, reinforcing the sense of my own helplessness and powerlessness; taking action and responsibility has been much harder.

[sc204]

Thank you these replies have been incredibly helpful. Sometimes It feels like I have left a cult, and need reminding what the real world feels like; a few hours with my family and I am transported to a crazy world, which is all too familiar but dangerous and mad. Following on from my post, my new husband and I sat down and discussed what exact boundaries we would put in around my parents; I had really underestimated the effect that they had had on him too, so it was an incredibly important conversation to have. Thank You.

I also found the idea of ranting,  and how it can keep you stuck very helpful- thanks sunny_day. What I needed to do was put some firm boundaries in place and I'm already feeling much calmer as result. Thank you again to this wonderful community.