Tricky situation

[Stuckk]

Long story, but i'll try to cut it down.

I am from England and living in the USA with my wife who is American. Her mother is uNPD.
The relationships between me and my MIL has got worse over the last few years, it's hard to explain exactly how and when things got so bad. It's like the crab in a pot of hot water type thing, gradually got worse until eventually went over the line.

I fell into the trap when I first moved here of following what everyone else does to get by, just turning the other cheek to her bad behavior and not rocking the boat. Which I strongly regret now. I just always thought, "If this is how they handle it then why should I do any different?".

My FIL is completely controlled by MIL. He does as he is told, and in his own words he follows "Shut up and tough up".

My wife and I are planning to move back to my home country, England, next year. For various reasons. As many may expect, us included, my MIL did not take this news very well. Which, what parent would be happy about their child moving to another country, regardless of age? But still. She started the guilt and shame campaign against my wife. What made it worse is that my FIL joined in. My wife convinced all 3 to go to a therapy session together, as things were getting so difficult. At this session she told me her parents just attacked me. Basically described my MIL but said it's all me. I'm manipulative, I don't let my wife see her family, i'm depressed, I hate her family etc etc. She tried defending me to them but they continued on.

I haven't seen my FIL since last Christmas, as this all happened around January this year. I only recently saw my MIL at a therapy session that both my wife and my MIL wanted me to come to, in hopes of things being ironed out. It became pretty clear that my MIL isn't open to anything besides me saying i'm the problem though, she accepts nothing. She's the victim. She refused to even look at me after the therapist asked. Based on things my FIL has said to my wife it seems my MIL is putting all kinds of words in my mouth to the rest of the family as well. Who knows what's been said when i'm not there to defend myself.

All the time, my wife has still been spending the occasional day with her mom, going shopping etc. Like all is fine. Meanwhile i'm stuck in this position of wanting nothing to do with her parents, who clearly want nothing to do with me. And on top of that we are planning to move away in a year. Lots of stuff going on which is tough to figure out.

So the tough part coming up soon is thanksgiving, and Christmas. I know my wife wants to spend these days with her family, which I understand. But with everything they've said and the fact my MIL won't even look at me, I don't see how I can bring myself to be in the same room as them all and have any kind of 'normal' dinner. It gives me so much anxiety thinking about having to see them and act civil, knowing the stuff they've been saying about me.

Any tips?

[SerenityCat]

Welcome!

Along with discussions here, you might find some ideas and inspiration from the toolbox https://outofthefog.website/toolbox-intro

How is the relationship between you and your wife? Does she understand that you are experiencing anxiety about the upcoming holidays, and why?

[NotFooledAnymore]

Hi Stuckk,

I am so sorry you are going through this. Does your wife see how your MIL is acting? If so, what does she think is the right course of action with her family?

I have to admit that as hard as it is, the best thing I've learned (the hard way) is to not engage. It's soooo hard and it sounds like maybe some boundary setting might be good (like, maybe you agree to go for Thanksgiving for just a few hours instead of the whole day, etc....). I've had to do that with my NMIL. We have an upcoming visit with her here soon. After 2 1/2 years of almost zero interactions, she suddenly wants to see us. I've been having serious anxiety about it but suddenly realized that it's okay to set boundaries and know my limits.

I told DH that we need to set a limit on the length of her stay and that, while she's here and he's at work, I plan to be out of the house and not spend time with her. I've learned that nothing good can come from too much down time together.

It's so hard to not react and let all the false accusations get to you but if you and your wife can come up with some healthy relationship boundaries for interacting with her parents maybe that will help? Oh yeah, when a situation was getting too heated when with my NMIL, I told my DH that my "safe phrase" was to say I needed to use the restroom. If that's all I really needed to do, then he'd know because I'd come right back but if I didn't return for a little while then he'd know I needed a breather and had to step away.

I figure that no one ever really questions why you suddenly leave a room if it's to use the restroom. It was an easy way to escape without having to do a lot of explaining.

Not sure if any of this helps but I hope you guys can sort some of this out.

[all4peace]

Stuckk, welcome! I'm sorry that painful family dynamics have brought you here, but this forum is a wonderfully supportive and educational place to be.

One thing you say strikes me: How can you be in the same room and have a "normal" family dinner. I think what you're describing is cognitive dissonance. Trying to hold onto 2 opposing things at the same time. I don't think there will be "normal" family dinners, but it's up to you whether you're willing and able to be there for "abnormal" family dinners.

Starboard Song frequents this board, and I hope he'll chime in, as he's great at giving the male perspective, on maintaining perspective when those outside of our intimate circles appear to threaten the relationships of those we're intimately bonded with (our spouse and our children).

What I can tell you, after living 20+ years next to very likely BPD mil and the entire family system that developed to appease her, is that you will not change your ILs, and you will likely not be able to talk reason into the people who enable them, but what you CAN do is decide what you're willing for, what your boundaries are, and work on your relationship with your wife and yourself.

In my marriage, I tried hard to bond with the ILs, and DH tried hard to not see how much chaos that created in our family, and it wasn't until I was nearing an anxious breakdown that it finally got bad enough for us to step way, way back. Your advantage is that you're in a position right now to make good choices to care for yourself, your wife and your marriage.

I'm wandering around here, but here's the summary:
1. Decide your priorities, your values (ie: authenticity, connection, forgiveness, protection), #1, #2 and #3 relationships. Make your decisions based on those priorities, always, not fear, obligation or guilt.
2. Prepare yourself for a lot of "not normal" and discomfort. It is likely to get worse rather than better, meaning that people don't like boundaries and those with PDs can REALLY struggle with boundaries. Getting a lot of resistance doesn't mean you've made the wrong decision. It just means you're changing the system, and your part in it, and people aren't going to like it.
3. Build up the good parts of your life. You're going to need them for support, for reality checks, for a sense of normalcy. Being in a PD family system can feel like you fell down the rabbit hole. It can be confusing and disorienting. Keep in contact with good, real, trustworthy, loving, normal.
4. Take care of yourself. Always, always. Get good food, enough sleep, water, body movement, things that bring you joy and energy.


In my situation, once we started setting boundaries with uNBPDmil (our family was a unit, DD could no longer be the only one she spent time with, visits needed to be mutually agreed upon beforehand rather than constant drop-ins, etc.), it got ugly. She got to the point where she also wouldn't look DH and I in the eye, and at meals at our kitchen table she refused to speak to anyone but DD, literally ignoring me when I asked her polite questions. That's when we finally told her that enough was enough. It got way worse, but now it's better for us. Our family has peace. We don't have close connections with the ILs, but I'm fairly sure that wasn't possible as I don't believe they have the tools for loving intimate relationship.

In my situation, there was a lot of grieving and acceptance that needed to happen before we got to peace. I couldn't fix it, but I could finally accept it and the very minimal level of contact that works for us with my ILs. Hope that helps.

[Hazy111]

Youll get good advice here.

Just as an aside, have you considered visiting the therapist on your own or with your wife and getting their take on your Ilaws?

[Alexmom]

I've been there, done this with IL's that can really strain a marital relationship and the anxiety of having to deal with them around the holidays, so I really feel for you.  I've also been down this path of no longer agreeing to get along to go along with a ground zero control freak that everyone kowtows to then being caught up in a  slime campaign to disparage your character because you are no longer going along with the (broken and damaged) family program headed by the controller in chief, your MIL.
   
I view your MIL as an interloper in your marriage because she is harming your marriage by her words and actions and she probably wished for your marriage to fail so she can have her D back in her fold.   I see no reason why an interloper like your MIL would be given a place in your marriage to sound off and sling mud in your face as I fear she is being given when she is asked to attend therapy sessions with you and your wife.  I think your MIL should have no place in your marriage and decisions that flow from it, and that if there is a therapy session, it should only include you and your wife, as you two vowed to put each other first above all others - including parents - in a sacred union.   Your MIL is not part of this equation and never will be. 

Also, I see no reason why you would spend Thanksgiving or Christmas with your IL's.  It is clear these relationships are very damaged - you aren't speaking to your FIL - your MIL is actively blaming you and disparaging you and creating stress in your marriage.  To ignore this and gather together instead for these holidays is just a major rug sweep and sends an unspoken message that bad behavior and attacks on you and your marriage can occur, and consequences will not be enforced.  I would have a very honest and direct conversation with your wife that Thanksgiving and Christmas gatherings with the IL's are off the table given the state of these relationships.  Perhaps you can plan to get away with your wife for Thanksgiving and Christmas instead or gather with friends who often times become our family of choice when you are dealt a bad hand with extended family. 

Given all the stress on your marriage from extended family, I would think a quiet and peaceful holiday season with just your wife would be just what the therapist ordered. 

[p123]

I did this for years. My Dad has treated my family badly for years and we still had him to xmas day lunch. Fair play my put up with it for one day a year....

Then one year he was really bad. Rude to everyone. Treated me like a slave as well. Pretty much manipulated things and kept me from my kids on xmas day as well. That was it,

So last year we told him we were busy xmas day with wife working (shes a nurse). Went down not too well - he did go to my brothers (he'd been ours for last 15-20 years). I invited him boxing day (when wife really was working so she didnt have to put up with him).

This year hes been MUCH worse so far. Hes not invited this xmas day either - not told him yet. Will probably lie again and he won't like it.

Its tough though being in the middle. In a way it get easier for me when he was really bad, and what hes done this year - I now don't feel guilty because its all his fault now. Its not going to be a nice conversation though because he won't like it AT ALL.

[Stuckk]

Thanks for all the replies. Many of the points seem to be what I was leaning towards, so it's good to see that i'm not wrong in my thinking.

My wife is gradually coming to terms with the fact that her mom isn't well and is causing a lot of damage for us. She's working on her side of it, with how she reacts to the guilt and shaming from her parents. She does sometimes get annoyed at me for holding my ground on not seeing them, as i'm just causing unnecessary trouble , which is tough because I don't want to give in and let my MIL win by not holding her accountable. The therapy that I went to with my wife and MIL was a session with a therapist that they've seen several times before. (The second one, because according to MIL the first one was unprofessional and mean). We have spoken to our own therapist outside of this so we are on the same page most of the time.

The tough part is that we are hoping to move away next year, so there is extra pressure on this 'last' Thanksgiving and 'last' Christmas living here. But like I've said, it's all so fake when we are there and I just can't do it. I will try suggesting we do our own with friends, I think that could be a good idea. Even though I know trouble will be caused because it'll be me "stopping" my wife from seeing her family. MIL also likes to point out that the grandparents are old and for the last several years of events it's been "This could be their last one", Just to add some quilt on us spending anything with my family in the UK. Even though we always made sure to still see them before or after our trips away, that doesn't matter to MIL.

What I can see happening is MIL will be on best behavior towards my wife and she has a way of getting in her head and making her think she's changed, then after she has what she wants she'll go back to her old tricks. I have a hard time trusting anything she does anymore so now i'm the bad guy for holding on to everything when everyone else wants to "bury the hatchet".

[p123]

Thanks for all the replies. Many of the points seem to be what I was leaning towards, so it's good to see that i'm not wrong in my thinking.

My wife is gradually coming to terms with the fact that her mom isn't well and is causing a lot of damage for us. She's working on her side of it, with how she reacts to the guilt and shaming from her parents. She does sometimes get annoyed at me for holding my ground on not seeing them, as i'm just causing unnecessary trouble , which is tough because I don't want to give in and let my MIL win by not holding her accountable. The therapy that I went to with my wife and MIL was a session with a therapist that they've seen several times before. (The second one, because according to MIL the first one was unprofessional and mean). We have spoken to our own therapist outside of this so we are on the same page most of the time.

The tough part is that we are hoping to move away next year, so there is extra pressure on this 'last' Thanksgiving and 'last' Christmas living here. But like I've said, it's all so fake when we are there and I just can't do it. I will try suggesting we do our own with friends, I think that could be a good idea. Even though I know trouble will be caused because it'll be me "stopping" my wife from seeing her family. MIL also likes to point out that the grandparents are old and for the last several years of events it's been "This could be their last one", Just to add some quilt on us spending anything with my family in the UK. Even though we always made sure to still see them before or after our trips away, that doesn't matter to MIL.

What I can see happening is MIL will be on best behavior towards my wife and she has a way of getting in her head and making her think she's changed, then after she has what she wants she'll go back to her old tricks. I have a hard time trusting anything she does anymore so now i'm the bad guy for holding on to everything when everyone else wants to "bury the hatchet".

I get you here - my wife "put up" with my old man for years on xmas day and he got worse and worse.

One thing - you have an escape you're moving back - wales is nicer than england though ;-) You are escaping....

Thanksgiving and xmas? Exactly what. You visit them or they visit you? Like you said its going to be LAST time for your mrs for these events. If it was me I dunno I might "suck it up" this last time for my mrs sake. Or compromise a bit? i.e.  she goes on her own or something like that. Otherwise, you'll look the bad one mate. Been there as well.

BUT then on the other hand, I pretty much guilted my mrs into putting up with my old man EVERY xmas day. He got worse and worse and pretty much ruined xmas one year because of his bad attitude. In the end, I put a stop to it - not fair on my Mrs or the kids. Point being - you're mrs has a duty too to make sure her parents behave too. Any bad behaviour from them and she needs to stick up for you.

Works both ways. If you compromise, put up with them, then they have to behave properly. Unfortunately, for me, Dad couldnt do that. If he'd been told he had 6 months to live I still wouldnt have his xmas day now.

One thing - hope they're not up for too many visits to the uk. You might have them in your house for weeks at a time ;-)

[Stuckk]

The escape is all that's keeping us sane when dealing with her family at the moment it seems.. at this point we'd even be happy with Wales..

Christmas here with her family is split over 2 days usually. Her parent's house for Christmas Eve and then we all meet at the Grandparent's house for Christmas Day. Thanksgiving is usually at the Grandparents with all of us there, then the MIL expects us to go to her house after because she doesn't count the visit as a proper visit with my wife if it isn't at her house.. she's always guilted into going there after.

Seeing as they're still 2 and 3 months away I've told her that at least for now, I won't be going, but i'm open to if things have 'improved' somehow then I'll reconsider. But honestly I have little hope for any change. Perhaps i'm just being pessimistic, but I can't help it now in regards to her family.

As for the potential visits to the UK, MIL has already started saying they'll never afford it etc. Even though my FIL has been bragging to me for a few years about how much money he will be getting in retirement.. which he starts in a few months. Seems obvious to us both that it's just another guilt tactic. On top of that they hate travelling anywhere, even the 20-30 minute drive to us is a chore for MIL. But that's her problem, not ours. We shouldn't plan our life based on what she is willing to do. So i'm fine with the small risk of them having to visit for extended periods of time.

Do you think my wife going without me is a good idea? Will that not just be the in-laws winning by me being out of the picture and still getting their family get together?

Though if I'm honest, I'd rather let them 'win' than put myself through that. 

[SerenityCat]

Do you think my wife going without me is a good idea? Will that not just be the in-laws winning by me being out of the picture and still getting their family get together?

Though if I'm honest, I'd rather let them 'win' than put myself through that.

Personally, I don't think we can control whether the problematic people win or not. Trying to figure that one out may be a trap.

Your sanity and well being comes first. In your shoes, I would not attend.

[Stuckk]

Personally, I don't think we can control whether the problematic people win or not. Trying to figure that one out may be a trap.

I think you may be right. Perhaps I'm too caught up in what they think.

I just have a bad feeling about it, my wife is sometimes on the fence on supporting my No/Very low contact. Especially since we are planning to move away. No matter how many times I explain how hard it would be for me, she still has this worry about "How will I explain to my family why you're not there and not have it ruin the day". Sadly I'm getting close to a point of not caring what damage it causes, because sometimes I feel like the person I was is being chipped away by the mess of the In-laws and their hold on my wife. I give too much ground and don't think about myself as much as I probably should. Better to stand up now than let it continue.

[candy]

Stuckk, I think I get it. After 1,5 years NC for me and VVLC for DH, we did ,,one last" this year. Nope, two lasts.

I went to my DH's and ILs' church anniversary, and we attended the golden child BIL's wedding. DH and I had master plans for their every anticipated move. And you know what? My NMIL, EnFil, GC-uPDBIL were still able to surprise us with their abusive and disrespectful behavior. At the end I am really no passionate supporter of one (or two) lasts 

I attended for a limited amount of time on both occasions. Maybe that could be a solution for your part at the grandparents' house?

If I had to re-do those two events, frankly I would not go. I would listen to my gut telling me not to go in the first place. It is not a feeling of remorse, I did learn something from attending. But: me being there was interpreted by my Il's as things being back to normal (by that I mean their unhealthy mean normal consisting of ignoring and badmouthing me).

The same goes for my DH being there. His parents were giving him the silent treatment for 1.5 years and switched back to resuming contact, trying to hoover DH back in since we attended those events. It seems that MIL and FIL cannot differentiate the reason of the particular event from our relationship with them. We did not go because of them but despite of them. IMO this misinterpretation is because the NPDs world is centered around her / him.

Every situation, every dysfunctional family is different, of course. With my ILs every interaction, every reaction or non-reaction fuels their fire. There is no win for me or DH. We are the scapegoat couple. My NMIL is all about control, and even if we do nothing she'll phantasize about what we said or did and just tell lies about us. Unfortunately there is no way to change that.

If they couldn't play nice in the past, why would you believe they could now? Why would your wife expect you to believe in improvement? It may sound like rhetorical questions, but that was exactly what I asked my own DH. Why do you think it will be different this time? Is there common ground for hope or is this our spouses inner child longing for NPparent's love?

Back to our spouses being alone with our Il's talking bad about us:
I left early at BIL's wedding, and DH, feeling obligated to stay for a bunch of reasons, stayed for some hours more. He did not have a great rest of the evening without me. He actually hated it. His wife left and his parents were trying to manipulate him, so he fled as soon as possible. He felt disgusted as MIL attempted very obviously to smear me and be the center of attention. When DH got home, he said he felt exhausted as if he had just run a marathon.

I suppose your wife loves you, otherwise you would probably not be planning the move to good old Europe... wait, England. Sometimes it helps me to remember that my sparring partner DH does love me 
It banishes my doubts.

If your wife is like my DH, a caretaker who wants everyone to get along and be happy (?), she will not like her parents talk bad about the spouse she chose. If she goes without you, she won't have you as a human shield or as her family's scapegoat. It may be eye-opening for her.

On the other hand you could also ask your wife for her loyalty towards you. I think it is perfectly understandable if you do not want to be with people who do not even pretend to like you, people who refuse to treat you with the politeness a decent person would offer any stranger on the street.

At the end of the day you are the English guy celebrating Thanksgiving and Christmas without your English FOO in the USA, you deserve to be well treated and you deserve the effort to help you feel included. I hope this makes sense. I am trying to say that your feelings matter and your anxiety does. Please take them seriously.

From my own experience the most wonderful time of the year highlights the dysfunction in unhealthy families. More sentiments, more drama, more entitlement. I agree with Alexmom, maybe the two of you can have a quiet and peaceful little Christmas for yourself? Or you start a new tradition of inviting friends?

Whatever you choose to do, people here understand how difficult it is. Wishing you strength and patience!

[p123]

The escape is all that's keeping us sane when dealing with her family at the moment it seems.. at this point we'd even be happy with Wales..

Christmas here with her family is split over 2 days usually. Her parent's house for Christmas Eve and then we all meet at the Grandparent's house for Christmas Day. Thanksgiving is usually at the Grandparents with all of us there, then the MIL expects us to go to her house after because she doesn't count the visit as a proper visit with my wife if it isn't at her house.. she's always guilted into going there after.

Seeing as they're still 2 and 3 months away I've told her that at least for now, I won't be going, but i'm open to if things have 'improved' somehow then I'll reconsider. But honestly I have little hope for any change. Perhaps i'm just being pessimistic, but I can't help it now in regards to her family.

As for the potential visits to the UK, MIL has already started saying they'll never afford it etc. Even though my FIL has been bragging to me for a few years about how much money he will be getting in retirement.. which he starts in a few months. Seems obvious to us both that it's just another guilt tactic. On top of that they hate travelling anywhere, even the 20-30 minute drive to us is a chore for MIL. But that's her problem, not ours. We shouldn't plan our life based on what she is willing to do. So i'm fine with the small risk of them having to visit for extended periods of time.

Do you think my wife going without me is a good idea? Will that not just be the in-laws winning by me being out of the picture and still getting their family get together?

Though if I'm honest, I'd rather let them 'win' than put myself through that.

Ask your mrs if she'll compromise. i.e. spend half the time with her parents and half with you maybe?

[p123]

Personally, I don't think we can control whether the problematic people win or not. Trying to figure that one out may be a trap.

I think you may be right. Perhaps I'm too caught up in what they think.

I just have a bad feeling about it, my wife is sometimes on the fence on supporting my No/Very low contact. Especially since we are planning to move away. No matter how many times I explain how hard it would be for me, she still has this worry about "How will I explain to my family why you're not there and not have it ruin the day". Sadly I'm getting close to a point of not caring what damage it causes, because sometimes I feel like the person I was is being chipped away by the mess of the In-laws and their hold on my wife. I give too much ground and don't think about myself as much as I probably should. Better to stand up now than let it continue.

Can't your mrs lie? Tell them you've got somewhere else to be? Got to work maybe......

I've got an out as I said, my mrs is a district nurse so I just tell him "oh shes working".

[p123]

Bugger that - Thanksgivng and Xmas - TWO events where you've got put up with family you don;t even like!

At least, here in the UK we've just got Xmas. (No-one even knows when Thanksgiving is - Im not sure to be honest).

[Leonor]

Hi Stuckk,

I'm sorry your in-laws are so horrible. I live this situation in reverse: I'm American, my DH is European, and we're moving to Europe next year after decades in the US. My own family is abusive and we have been NC for years. Inlaws are also BPD and extremely problematic. H is also a caregiver rescuer type, do I do get it.

I totally support you in not going. I stopped going and hosting and visiting a while back. I was so hurt and upset with h for not choosing me over his nutjob parents. I was afraid if I didn't argue with him and try to force him to cut them off they would win ... and I would lose ... Him.

But one year I didn't go. Christmas Eve is my favorite day of the year, and I decided not to go. H we t out with his parents. Our kids wanted to go too, so they sent with h. And I spent the day alone.

I loved it!!! Now, I don't know if you have children, but we have three and to have a quiet day when I could watch the 1938  hriztmas Carol and eat goodies in my PJs was delicious! No guilt, no anxiety. When they came back I was happy to see them.

However you decide to navigate these holidays are up to you and the right decision for you is the right one. I just wanted to share that not going may be a pleasant surprise.

[Stuckk]

Thanks for all the replies everyone, helps knowing i'm not crazy for not wanting to go to the family events with these people.

My wife keeps going in circles, and she's taking it out on me more often now. She says "they will never change, they're never going to take responsibility, so you're basically telling me that you will never talk to them again".. She had therapy with her mom this last weekend and apparently a fair amount of the session was spent with my MIL making me the bad guy and explaining how she's the victim and even my FIL and BIL agree with her.. all the usual.

My wife usually ends up getting angry at me for these things when she has a session coming up or she's going to see her mom, or shortly after. The problem now is that the sessions and visits with her mom are slowly becoming more often. The conversations with my wife will go from her backing me up with my NC to being completely against me and angry with me about it in the next breath. She will say things that make me think she really understands what is happening now, but then her actions next will be the complete opposite of what she says. Then if I have a problem with anything she immediately thinks i'm angry with her and shuts down and leaves the room.

I'm so close to my breaking point. I want to say "If you really want your happy family back then go ahead, but I won't be in it." The thought of a future of dealing with this all the time is just depressing. Luckily we have no kids yet, right now I don't want any, this mess needs some cleaning up before we add them to the mix. I can only imagine the extra trouble that would cause.

I know that this is some big stuff that I need to address with my wife, and I will, but I don't know how to do that without it being an 'ultimatum' of choosing between me and her family. I don't want to force that. Her reactions to any negative emotions from me are so strong that i'm worried about when and how to do this. I also know that her reactions are not my fault, but it's still tough.

[homersiliad]

[I'm new to the delights of the FOG and this is my first proper reply post so please bear that in mind]

I feel your pain mate. I have similar issues. I currently live in my DW's country of birth near in-laws. My uPDMIL is highly covert in her manipulation of DW and it took years to finally convince DW that something was seriously amiss. Last Christmas I was at one of the lowest points in my life due to chaos created by uPDMIL and initially refused to attend Christmas family gathering. My wife had similar objections to yours as in, "how am I going to explain etc." It turned out that not attending wasn't really a viable option for numerous reasons. I was lucky because uPDMIL couldn't keep herself together for a whole week without 'leaking' her toxicity and by this time I'd told my wife what to look for, so she saw the full horror. It was still a very unpleasant experience frankly.

Are you currently having therapy with just your wife? Of course, your relationship with your wife is most important (as all this is irrelevant if you split) so you might consider having counseling together to address this specific issue as it sounds like it's getting worse.

This is very much my own opinion and based on my situation but from a tactical viewpoint I wouldn't be happy with my wife spending increasing amounts of time with her uPD mother in addition to therapy sessions if we, as a couple, weren't also in therapy ourselves, learning how to deal with uPDMIL. My uPDMIL would love this set up as she could hoover, smear and triangulate at will. My uPDMIL's objective would 100% be to break up our relationship before we were due to leave the country. I'm not saying this is necessarily the case in your situation. The main focus should be on yourselves and keeping your relationship protected and secure.

My DW also reacts adversely when I discuss uPDMIL issues and it's extremely frustrating because uBDMIL is screwing our relationship up even when she's not present. I also experience the issue where one day DW seems to completely understand and then the next makes me out to the bad guy. If it were me, and for the medium/long term perspective, I'd try to keep my relationship secure and suck it up until you leave. This is mainly because it's easy to be painted as the problem in this situation. Take your laptop and binge watch 😉

[Stuckk]

Thanks, from what you said homersiliad your situation is very similar to mine.

We do have a therapist of our own as well, which we have been going to both alone and together. These seem to go really well, and the T has backed me up with no contact etc. The problem occurs when my DW almost seems to forget everything that has been discussed; there will be a lot of progress for a while but then it all goes backwards. The trouble is, MIL acts good as gold to my DW outside of the sessions, so my DW starts to go back to thinking "Maybe she's not so bad and we are overreacting". Then when I stand my ground I am the one who is not able to forgive and move forward. We have a session with our own T later today, I will try to iron things out, in terms of my no contact, as best I can.

I 100% think that my MIL wants our marriage to crumble before we plan to leave. My DW has even said this to her in one of their sessions and she obviously denied it.

As for the laptop and binge watching at their place.. It was brought up in a session I attended with my MIL that she thinks I hate her because I 'always' use my phone when I'm at their place. The T recommended that I try to stay off my phone.. This was annoying for so many reasons which I didn't get chance to go into. It's just all so petty and childish. So if I tried doing that it'd start more trouble than just not showing up.

One last thing, my DW has a therapy session coming up where she will be going with both uNPDMIL and enFIL. It's gonna be tough.