Cognitive Dissonance

[me01t]

What are some good coping mechanisms etc for dealing with the cognitive dissonance of everything. For me I was (i thought) very close friends with some people i lost during a mobbing situation and still painfully miss these friendships. I have tried to accept everything but the pain is still there and the way everything did a 180 overnight has made it really hard to process. Aside from this i have done well with healing and it is months down the line for me now, However, I am shortly to return to the place of the abuse and I think this is why it has arisen for me. Its hard watching people who bullied covertly have your friends on their side whilst you have been shunned and labelled as crazy and a liar. I accept that but i think i find it hard because of how fast things changed and I still have very little idea as to why or who it came from because every attempt at reasoning i tried was denied and blamed as me overthinking/being a girl and being crazy or cuckoo or paranoid.

[Penny Lane]

Sometimes it's all about the story you're telling yourself.

So like, your story right now is that you were very close friends with these people who were great and then they did a 180 and treated you terribly and you don't know why.

What if the story becomes, you were friends with these people and they were good for you for a time, but ultimately they weren't strong enough to stand up to PD manipulations? It is sad for them but they have shown you that they are not true friends and left space in your life for better people.

Hope that helps.

[me01t]

Thanks that is incredibly helpful

[1footouttadefog]

Yes that.

What also came to my mind is that sometimes friendships are imbalanced and  or one sided. 

Some people make superficial friendships while others make more multi layered and deeper relationships. 

If the superficial bond is broken there is nothing left.  Or not much.  If a close and deep friendship is two way street the other person would be just as likely to reach out and try to get your side of things etc.

Sometimes nons assume others are on the same page when they are not.

[StayWithMe]

A reason, a season and life time.  That's how long friendships.

[waverider]

Not sure of your age and ability to apply what I would suggest, but I am positive there is a way. Whether you are in HS, College, or the workplace. This applies.

You are here, learning about what a healthy relationship(s) look like. That is miles ahead of the rest of the world. I am 50 and remember back to HS. I never understood the concept of someone being my friend one minute, but not the next (for whatever reason). I wore a coat I got for Christmas one day because I was cold... some random person called out 'poser' as I walked by. LOL. Huh? Sadly, this doesn't exactly end after HS. I got through it, was friendly with the head cheerleader (who was one of the good ones actually, kind and accepting) and shopped for fatigues with the scary on the outside 6ft punk rocker with a white mohawk. I was shy and introverted, but never saw a reason to be mean to anyone, or not to respond to kindness received, also, from anyone. It was confusing. I didn't understand it until I was an adult.

Reality. Find like-minded people who value good and positive things. Clue: these are people with goals that they are working towards. These are the people who volunteer their time in the community and elsewhere. You will find that service and fun go well together and you have a better chance of putting yourself in a position where you may have a real opportunity to find 'true' friends. True friends do not judge and are kind. They value you for your soul... and as you heal your soul and focus on becoming the best 'you' (the person you decide to be), you will attract the same.

Often, those of us who find ourselves affected by the PD's in our life, get stuck in the cycle that attracts such. We break free as we learn to value our boundaries in order to be safe and healthy by avoiding negative people. We can be kind and be friendly, but we must decide to not let the various PD's we attract by our empathetic nature to suck us dry.

You got this!