Help with resources

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Help with resources
« on: October 23, 2019, 08:08:00 AM »
I recently told my narcissistic husband itís over. I Am in need of anyoneís advice and help with what to do and cope. I am have no money , no car , no job. I have 3 young children. I was really left with nothing but that was his plain so I would never leave.  I know itís just the beginning, I knew it was going to be awful. It wasnít expecting this.  His whole family is narcissistic and all trying to contact me to try to get us back together? Itís me against all of them .


Penny Lane

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Re: Help with resources
« Reply #1 on: October 23, 2019, 12:46:35 PM »

You've done the first, hardest step. There is still a hard road ahead of you, but you have made a choice that will lead you to so much more light and joy in the future. I'm sorry it's so tough right now.

Are you looking for more like logistical resources or emotional resources? How can we help you?



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Re: Help with resources
« Reply #2 on: October 25, 2019, 04:52:08 PM »
You should contact women's shelters in your area, and find a safe place to live if you don't have other support systems.

They'll be able to guide you towards resources, and help you sidestep mistakes that other people made, IME.

If you have friends, or great neighbors who can help.... ask for help. 

Know this.... if you file for divorce,  you're boxing yourself into your situation.  Before you file you may take the children elsewhere, and get them into counseling, and yourself would be a good option so you can deal with the coming stress... likely to be over 18 months to divorce a truly disordered person.

Before you continue tipping your hand to your stbx.... please please please get some good advice...  maybe see an attorney or 2 or 3 if they have free consults.  Find support... your church?  A friend's church?  Domestic VIolence hot lines..... call attorney
's offices and ask the secretaries what they'd do in your situation, or if their sister was.

Sometimes we find angels, willing to advocate and fight for us when we least expect it.   The key is to NOT let the stbx know you're planning to leave, so cool yourself down, and breathe..... calmly find advocates and make a plan. 

Gather evidence before the PD knows you're doing it.  GET THE THINGS YOU CHERISH OUT OF THE HOUSE and hidden. Hide your evidence.  Talk to the school, and give them a heads up.

I don't know what your stbx has done to you.... but expect it to escalate. 

Expect him to go back and forth between being kind and cruel... to interrupt your sleep... you have little ones to care for, and he'll be sabotaging you while you do it.

If you have family.... call them.  Consider moving to where they are BEFORE you file for divorce.   Once you file, you're under a court order..... you can't move funds.... but the stbx will cheat, lie and steal all over the place. Think think think how to ask and who to ask for help and support. 

Don't ask, don't get.  Put shame away, and lean into the best of humanity.... .there are good people out there.  They want to help, and if you stay calm, and state facts without telling people what they must do, and think and feel.... you give them space to make up their own  minds and get upset on your behalf.... and act.

I think shame and codependence makes it difficult to ask for help.   Please, make a plan before launching into talking about divorce if you can.

There's power in refusing to let the stbx jerk you around emotioinally, and cause you to run around appearing emotionally unstable.  There's power in putting up boundaries and not letting him cross them.... what would YOU tell a friend to do in your position?  Really think about that.... journal about it.... scream it onto the paper, read it, then journal again and again until you have clarity about that ONE THING. 

You must appear consistent once you file the divorce or the court and police and your supporters will not take you seriously and you will harm your ability to access the system, your rights, and ability to get OUT OF COURT efficiently as can be managed.

Make a plan.  Don;t let the sbtx talk to you, or bully you, or keep you prisoner in a room,  or yell at you.... .if he touches you, call the police and report it.   Report report report.  Most women don't be we don't want things to get worse.  They're going to get worse so you might as well do what you can to protect yourself, and your ability to utilize the court system wihtout being punished, or dismissed. 

We often sabotage ourselves, and the stbx's are brilliant at pushing our buttons, where no one can see, then pointing at us while we spin in fear, and anger.   Don't do that.  Control yourself, and he'll be the one who shows his irrational side, bc he's used to controlling YOU.  He'll expect to escalate his conduct until he gains your compliance. 

BE READY TO DOCUMENT HIS BEHAVIOR... most abusers abuse behind closed doors.  How can you show the court what you and your children are dealing with? Research your State's laws on recording conversations, and nanny cams in the house.  You can record with your phone, likely.... what is legal?  Get it before the stbx knows you're recording him and remember you're being recorded too.

Be calm.  Let the message be you intend to help him be the best father he can be, and always have your children's best interests in the front of every conversation.... safety issues,  medicines, their mental health...... speak like you're speaking to a bird you want to keep calm.   Slow gives you time to think, and you will do well to learn to emply tactical breathing.... taught to law enforcement officers during crisis.... 4 seconds on the IN breath... hold for 4 seconds, then 4 seconds OUT.

Breathe like you're filling  vase from the bottom up.... start at your belly button, push stomach out, and fill all the way to the top of your vase/lungs.  Breath out slowly.   If you can notice your surroundings, your peripheral vision... sounds and smells, you can get yoursel OUT of fight or flight/fawn mode, and  the part of your brain responsible for logica, creativing and problem solving skills BACK ONLINE.   You need to be able to think through this. 

Look up Youtube videos on breathing to calm your nervous system.... you're going to need them, iME.

Good luck,

What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt



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Re: Help with resources
« Reply #3 on: October 25, 2019, 07:16:24 PM »

Shes right!

Re: Help with resources
« Reply #4 on: October 26, 2019, 01:28:51 PM »
Depending on where you live you may be able to find furniture and clothes for free on apps like LetGo, Nextdoor, Facebook MarketPlace. People in my area post free stuff/ curb alerts pretty frequently. Hang in there!