Want to write a letter to beloved Aunt after NC

JustKat · October 23, 2019, 01:18:07 PM

I'm really torn here, so any input would be appreciated.

After I went NC I lost my entire FOO (as most of us do). I'm okay with losing my siblings since we were never close anyway, but am heartbroken over losing contact with a beloved Aunt. Growing up, this Aunt definitely knew something was wrong. She tried to watch out for me, somewhat covertly, probably to avoid Nmother's wrath. She was a medical professional and would "discover" samples of prescription medication in her purse when Nmother refused to take me to the doctor. When my mother held a "family boycott" of my high school graduation, my Aunt showed up in the parking lot and brought me a gift. When I was homeless she gave me money. I never her told about my mother's abuse because I sensed she didn't want to get involved in the drama. A few times she did say things like, "Your mother has her moments," but would back away from any gossip.

I don't believe my aunt has fallen for the smear campaign because she grew up with my Nmother and knew she wasn't right in the head. After I went NC, my Aunt did continue to send me holiday cards, but I finally ghosted eight years ago and left no forwarding address. My parents located my address through Internet stalking and started sending unwanted cards and gifts, but I haven't heard from my aunt since. I'm pretty sure she's decided to be respectful by not sending anything to an address that I haven't given to her.

This aunt is now elderly and I'd like to write to her and tell her what happened to me (not in graphic detail, but just that things were very very bad for me). I want her to know how much her kindness meant to me when I was a kid going through this hell. I was suicidal in high school and if not for my aunt, may have acted on it.

I want to write to her but not sure if I might make things worse as she's remained in contact with my enFather after Nmother died. Any thoughts would be appreciated. Not sure if I should write the letter or just accept being an "orphan" and move on.

lostsister · October 23, 2019, 01:21:22 PM

Call her. Just look her up and call her. She obviously sensed something was wrong. It would probably mean the world to her to hear from you.

JustKat · October 23, 2019, 01:44:35 PM

You know, this is going to sound terrible (or maybe relatable to some), but I'm afraid to call family members. I've always been afraid to call them. My mother's triangulation has remained so strong in me that I don't even know how to pick up the phone. I was only ever allowed to correspond with family via mail, and that's the only thing I'm comfortable with.

Fuzzydog · October 23, 2019, 02:19:59 PM

Just a couple of months ago I wrote to my favorite aunt after 4 years NC with my NM. My aunt is my mother's SIL, my father's late brother's widow. She wrote me back right away and was very sweet (she had understood a lot of my issues with NM) but something odd struck me. She said she had known about the NC since it happened and was sad. But she didn't reach out to me at the time, and in retrospect, that surprises me. Apparently it's quite normal (I have asked about this on other fora) but I don't know why.

Anyway, my advice is to go ahead and write her, it sounds like she will be glad to hear from you and it will make you feel better. Good luck!

Fiasco · October 23, 2019, 02:21:02 PM

I would think about why you want to contact her before you take that step. You said in your post you want to tell her how your childhood really was, but you didn't mention anything about wanting to know about her? If you're looking for validation from her it sounds like she's already given you that through your life with her loving kindness and looking out for you.

I think the sentiment of wanting to tell her how much she meant to you is wonderful! But if it's not accompanied by interest in her life then it's not really about her, it's still about you.

I know I only noticed that part of your question because it's something that took me so long to see. I was never modeled appropriate interest in others by my BPDm so it took me a long time to realize that's what was missing in my relationship with my extended family and my friends. It helped me a lot when I finally figured it out.

JustKat · October 23, 2019, 03:50:16 PM

QuoteI think the sentiment of wanting to tell her how much she meant to you is wonderful! But if it's not accompanied by interest in her life then it's not really about her, it's still about you.

I guess I should have written more but I wanted to keep my post short so people would read it (I'm often overwhelmed by long, complicated posts so tried to keep it simple). There other things I want to say. One is that her husband (my uncle) passed away from a brain tumor and my parents kept his illness a secret because my Nmother had cancer and didn't want any attention taken away from HER illness. I want to send my condolences and let her know why she hadn't heard from me or why I didn't write when he was ill.

I guess really, I just want to thank her while I still can. She's in her late 80s. I want to tell her that I love her.

I didn't mean for my post to sound like it was all about me. Gosh, "all about ME" sounds like my mother. I'm so sorry if I sound that way.

JustKat · October 23, 2019, 03:53:05 PM

Quote from: Fuzzydog on October 23, 2019, 02:19:59 PM
Just a couple of months ago I wrote to my favorite aunt after 4 years NC with my NM. My aunt is my mother's SIL, my father's late brother's widow. She wrote me back right away and was very sweet (she had understood a lot of my issues with NM) but something odd struck me. She said she had known about the NC since it happened and was sad. But she didn't reach out to me at the time, and in retrospect, that surprises me. Apparently it's quite normal (I have asked about this on other fora) but I don't know why.

Anyway, my advice is to go ahead and write her, it sounds like she will be glad to hear from you and it will make you feel better. Good luck!

Thank you, Fuzzydog.

Maybe I'll just write the letter and decide later if I should send it.

appaloosa · October 23, 2019, 08:22:54 PM

I would definitely send her a letter--ASAP! If she happened to pass away before you sent that letter, it sounds very much like you would regret not reaching out and telling her what she meant to you, that you love her, and that you were not aware of her husband's illness. I am guessing that it would mean a lot to her.

Fiasco · October 23, 2019, 09:08:35 PM

No Just Kathy I didn't mean to say you were coming off as "all about you" at all. I guess I was just trying to give some guidance regarding your letter or email, to help focus what you want to convey and what you're hoping to get out of it. You come off as caring and appreciative. 🤗

lostsister · October 24, 2019, 06:59:57 AM

I agree now that you posted more information. Write her ASAP. Don't have the regret of never telling her how you felt. She may not be tech savvy like my mother...and not had a way to 'find you' to write to you. I have found in my situation that a lot of family members or friends have not reached out simply because they did not know what to say. They know something is not quite right.....but don't know how to handle the situation. To see a family torn apart and No Contact to some is hard to believe......and hard to understand. They simply don't know what to say / do.

moglow · October 24, 2019, 09:38:25 AM

Hey Kathy! I was thinking of Fiasco's response as clarified, trying to give you some guidance on why and how to reach out to your aunt. I don't think anyone took it as "all about you". Do what you feel is best, but honestly, I wouldn't just let it go unsaid. She and you both deserve better.

QuoteThere other things I want to say. One is that her husband (my uncle) passed away from a brain tumor and my parents kept his illness a secret ... I want to send my condolences and let her know why she hadn't heard from me or why I didn't write when he was ill.

I guess really, I just want to thank her while I still can. She's in her late 80s. I want to tell her that I love her.

That. Do that. Say that. Let her know how much she means to you and how much you appreciate all she's done for you, even apologize for your silence/distance if you want. Whether you were intimidated into silence or led to believe that the family wanted nothing to do with you, that's probably the extent of what I'd go into with her about your mother. She knows and has apparently tried to respect your own silence on the subject. But no, I wouldn't put it off.

JustKat · October 24, 2019, 11:10:35 AM

Thank you all SO much for your kind responses. I know I'll have deep regrets for the rest of my life if she passes away before I have the chance to tell her how much she has meant to me, so I'm going to write to her.

I also appreciate all the sound advice on what to say (and more importantly, what not to say). I have a better handle on this now and will start to write the letter.

Hugs of gratitude to you all.

Fiasco · October 24, 2019, 11:17:03 AM

Sorry my first response came off so weird and judgmental. Good luck, I'm so glad you're taking the initiative to reach out!

JustKat · October 24, 2019, 11:17:31 AM

Quote from: Fiasco on October 23, 2019, 09:08:35 PM
No Just Kathy I didn't mean to say you were coming off as "all about you" at all. I guess I was just trying to give some guidance regarding your letter or email, to help focus what you want to convey and what you're hoping to get out of it. You come off as caring and appreciative. 🤗

It's okay, Fiasco. I understand what you were trying to say. I'm afraid I'm overly sensitive and emotional, which is probably not uncommon given our upbringing. Another gift that keeps on giving. Thanks Mom.

Fiasco · November 09, 2019, 04:13:23 PM

You were on my mind this morning. Any updates you feel like sharing?

sillyfish2003 · November 10, 2019, 11:02:42 AM

I recently spoke to my BPD mother's father about her - not in-depth, but enough to feel like he really did understand. I always thought that he wanted to avoid the subject so he wasn't stuck in between me and my mum, but maybe he also didn't want to feel like he was forcing me to talk about it. Your aunt may have simply not wanted to make you uncomfortable and wanted you to approach her.
In any case, one of my favourites from this Varja's Healing Affirmation for daughters of toxic mothers which I recommend (https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=13753.0) is this:
29. That which is most personal is most universal. I know people will understand if I simply say, "My mother is not a nice person, but I am."
Consider that you aren't alone in feeling the way you feel about your family, and that people might understand more than you expect! Though time doesn't fix everything, it does help people's emotions settle to a point where talking about things is easier.

I remain hopeful for you and wish all the best!

JustKat · November 11, 2019, 12:15:50 PM

Sillyfish, thank you so much for those insightful words. I'll definitely check out that thread.

Fiasco, it really warmed my heart to know someone was thinking of me. Nothing new to report but I've been dealing with some depression and anxiety issues. I'm also in Southern California where we had a bad brush fire scare so my mind has been elsewhere. I'm just getting back online today so have been slow to reply to your comments. I'm feeling extra mushy having been faced with a possible evacuation and trying to decide what to take, realizing the only personal effect that really mattered to me was a toy my grandmother gave me as a child. A beloved gift from one of only two family members who truly loved me.

I have been handwriting some thoughts down and will probably write the letter to my Aunt. It's a bit hard to explain, but it can be difficult for me to make a decision and get serious about following through because my mind is always swirling with thoughts about what's going on with my FOO, what's been happening since the NC, and childhood memories that won't leave. I want to make things right knowing that things in my world can never be right. I'm actually a writer yet have such difficulty finding the words to describe how I feel inside. I'm probably not alone in that.

I'm so grateful this forum is here. Many hugs to you all.

MiniWheat · November 15, 2019, 12:25:28 AM

Hi JustKathy,

I can relate somewhat, when I went NC with my uPDm, my FOO cut me off. Over the last few years of NC, I have connected with 1 uncle and 2 aunts. This is how it went.

The uncle was weird, because he went NC himself years ago for much the same reasons I did, but the conversation was strange because he basically didn't want to talk about the FOO or really about anything at all. He was cold and distant, like I was part of a past he wanted to forget about, even though he 'got it.'

My 2 aunts were different stories. They both wanted to reconnect, and one (my uPDm's sister) came to visit after asking me if it was ok. She came and we had a warm connection (as we'd had before), and I told her in many ways the relationship I have with her is the one I've wished for with my uPDm. The other aunt is an in-law, and she politely asked me how my uPDm was doing (not aware of NC). When I told her we were estranged, she opened right up and told me a lot of stories from my childhood that lets just say filled in a lot of blanks. It turns out she'd been fairly closed off because of my uPDm, once I was NC she was transparent about some of the childhood traumas in my FOO.

Don't know if that helps, but I hope for the best with your reaching out to your loving aunt.

JustKat · November 16, 2019, 12:06:06 PM

Thank you MiniWheat. That helps a LOT. And I'm so glad to hear you were able to reconnect with your two aunts, and were even able to fill in some of the blanks from your childhood. That's wonderful!

MiniWheat · November 19, 2019, 01:18:52 AM

Quote from: JustKathy on November 16, 2019, 12:06:06 PM
Thank you MiniWheat. That helps a LOT. And I'm so glad to hear you were able to reconnect with your two aunts, and were even able to fill in some of the blanks from your childhood. That's wonderful!

You are welcome. Please post an update on how it goes with your aunt.

With mine, the sister to my uPDm, she is diagnosed PD. It takes energy to be around her, as she can be really up and down, but she is so much more "real" than my uPDm. I was worried about flying monkeys or hoovers but neither happened during a multi-day visit, and actually her 'love' for us and my family ended up shining through - a real unexpected blessing for us. That was over a year ago and things are still good between us. She understands at least partially why I am NC, and most importantly she puts her love for us as #1 priority, and respects our decisions.